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~the sea does not like to be restrained (Kavi's journal)~
message 151:
by
kavi ~he-him~
(new)
Dec 14, 2016 08:28PM
I feel....school isn't even about learning anymore.....it's only about the grades.....
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I refuse to finish this review -_- I just want to get this exam over with....
I have my science and government exam today.....:( I'm definitely not ready.........
I'm done with exams....unfortunately I have one more exam tomorrow in study skills, which is kind of stupid.....
Dear Music, I am so lucky to have you in my life. I love you music. What would this world be like if you never existed? I don't even want to think about that.
Just one more day and one more semester of school left.....
I wish the buses would hurry....they take forever and I'm freezing......
When you feel random pains in your body and you don't know where they came from. I get that a lot -_-
I miss Robyn :(
Kavy (Bob) Jackson Fullbuster~daughter of Poseidon/Gryffindor~You fell so hard~ wrote: "http://www.thepottergames.com/quiz/"I took the 20-questions quiz and I got:
why is it always the most nicest, kindest, awesomeness, and amazing, ppl that go through so much pain?....I often wonder about this question a lot
Why is it so hard, to open up to my friends at school, about all my problems?....I can tell them about my insomnia, I can tell them about all my minor problems, but I can't even open up about all my major problems. I know they are my true friends now, I realized that a couple of months ago. I know this because they hadn't left me yet, even tho I'd been expecting them to......because most ppl would've left me by now....
not now ,not in a minute ,not ever ! will I leave you !!!
I know they are my true friends now.....but I'm still unable to trust them, because of my trust issues. I want to trust them but it's so hard to.....it's hard because I'm afraid of getting too close to ppl, because of my past. I'm afraid that if I trust my friends at school, then they might leave me or hurt me or stab me in the back.
I hate that feeling of being useless.....
I hate getting flashbacks from things I don't even want to remember.....
What if I make things worse? I love helping out with other ppl and things. And school stuff. but I'm always afraid of making things worse. I'm one of the nicest ppl....at least that's what most ppl say....but on the inside.....I don't really know who I am anymore.....
@Masi it's easier said than done.....
when I was younger, I used to be selfish with my toys a lot. I had friends when I was younger but they weren't "real friends" and they weren't really that nice either, they kept getting angry at me for some reason Idrk why, outside of school when we hung out on a playdate or something like, they were nice and we sorta got along okay, but at school they weren't nice, and stuff. Bro, I told you my story, but I didn't tell you everything And I also felt like a tag along, or more of a follower, and some of my "friends" who I used to hang out in 2nd grade, used to tell me not to "follow" them even tho I wasn't trying to "follow" them I was only trying to hang out with them and be their friends....but I wanted friends, so in 4th grade, I became nicer and kinder and started sharing my things and stuff.
*sighs* I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay, trying to convince myself that I am okay, even tho I keep almost crying, and then I catch myself and then I try to distract myself with something to keep me from crying and I have to keep putting on a fake smile to cover everything up.
Kavy (Bob) Jackson Fullbuster~daughter of Poseidon/Gryffindor~You fell so hard~ wrote: "when I was younger, I used to be selfish with my toys a lot. I had friends when I was younger but they weren't "real friends" and they weren't really that nice either, they kept getting angry at me..."Awww, you became a better person!
Kavy (Bob) Jackson Fullbuster~daughter of Poseidon/Gryffindor~You fell so hard~ wrote: "*sighs* I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay, trying to convince myself that I am okay, even tho I keep almost crying, and then I catch myself and then I try to distract myself with something to keep me from..."Stop with the fake smiles. They don't make anything better, but I suppose you probably already know that and maybe you can't help but give a fake smile. I know because I've done- no, I still do. Convincing yourself your okay won't work. You have to believe that you'll be okay and it may take awhile. Months, years, whatever, but don't stop believing that you can really be okay and maybe one day you will be.
Thanks Erin, I'm trying to stop with the fake smiles, because I'm really tired of faking and pretending I'm okay even tho I'm not okay, but I do it anyway cause it's hard. And the fake smiles are the only ones I really have because I don't want ppl at school, especially my friends to see me sad, and my real smile is gone....I was doing okay last week like better, than I'd been before, and I thought I was doing better but then this week I just fell....
No problem, your always here for me I just wanna show I'm here for you. I used to feel the same way and I'd give fake smiles to everyone but as of late its felt like even those have slipped away. Anyway, your real smile isn't gone. It's just hiding because its afraid to show itself and its hiding spot is so well hidden that it won't be seen for awhile. I'd love to tell you have to make it come out, but I don't even know. Yet... Okay, so people rise, people fall, and people sink. It's unavoidable. It'll happen no matter what. The important thing to remember is happiness can come in forms of a choice and when a choice of happiness comes knocking at your door DON'T push it away because their rare and pushing it away will just make you fall again, filled with more regret.
*hugs Erin* thank you <3 I'll try to let happiness in when it comes knocking, but the thing is, I want happiness, but at the same time I'm afraid of it cause it seems so foreign to me cause I'd gotten so used to being depressed, it sucks and I hate it because I hate this darkness, because I fear the darkness. *sighs* I don't really understand myself anymore....I want happiness but I don't want to experience happiness only to have everything crash again.
*hugs Kavy back* I've been trying not to say this because I know a lot of people hate it, but I feel ya. In the past two weeks I've had two opportunities to become happy and I through both of them away in fear of being happy instead of just allowing myself to be. Happiness is like the sun. Everyday it's there. You know its there, your so used to it being there that you forget about it. And it's always out of reach. You can't just reach out and touch it as tempting as it may be. Its sorta mocking you. I don't know how good my comparison is because I'm half dead- I mean asleep. I like how I'm using the sun as an example when talking about darkness. The thing about darkness is once you have it, it tries to consume you, throwing you into a pit making it so hard to get out. Your fears in the end as bad as they seem now will make you stronger. Nobody ever truely understands themself. That's part of what makes life beautiful and terrifying learning just who you really are.
*hugs Kavy back* I've been trying not to say this because I know a lot of people hate it, but I feel ya. In the past two weeks I've had two opportunities to become happy and I through both of them away in fear of being happy instead of just allowing myself to be. Happiness is like the sun. Everyday it's there. You know its there, your so used to it being there that you forget about it. And it's always out of reach. You can't just reach out and touch it as tempting as it may be. Its sorta mocking you. I don't know how good my comparison is because I'm half dead- I mean asleep. I like how I'm using the sun as an example when talking about darkness. The thing about darkness is once you have it, it tries to consume you, throwing you into a pit making it so hard to get out. Your fears in the end as bad as they seem now will make you stronger. Nobody ever truely understands themself. That's part of what makes life beautiful and terrifying learning just who you really are.
That was really deep Erin....*hugs again* I love you
Yeah... I'm sorry for going all deep on ya. *hugs back again* I LOVE YOU TOO! I have to go though because I actually have to wake up tomorrow since I've got plans, but if I have time I'll try to talk to you more tomorrow
it's okay, it was beautiful. I like hearing really deep words/music/quotes and things like that
SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I WANT SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I'M DYING FOR SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW XD WE HAVEN'T HAD SNOW AT ALL LAST YEAR >:(
geez I keep getting emotional at times for some reason.....
I wonder what it'd be like if I can meet any of my fav bands/artists, someday.....I met some of them in my dreams....
Kavy (Bob) Jackson Fullbuster~daughter of Poseidon/Gryffindor~You fell so hard~ wrote: "I wonder what it'd be like if I can meet any of my fav bands/artists, someday.....I met some of them in my dreams...."That happened to me too....
I wish it could happen irl :( unfortunately I can only dream.....*sighs dreamily*
I wonder what it's like to be in a band.....I want to be in one.....but Idk how to find more ppl....
Kavy (Bob) Jackson Fullbuster~daughter of Poseidon/Gryffindor~You fell so hard~ wrote: "I wonder what it's like to be in a band.....I want to be in one.....but Idk how to find more ppl...."Me too! I'd love to be a solo singer, but I want to experience being in a band as well. So if I move to Texas, you can put me on your band even though I'm somewhat tone deaf xD
XD Yay!!!! I don't know what I want to do tho. Idk if I want to sing or play the piano
Me neither. If I could join a band, I'd either want to be the vocalist, or learn to play the guitar.
Same I want to be the vocalist, but I hate singing in front of other ppl, and another thing about being in band....I have stage fright, I'm gonna need to work on my stage fright XD
oh gods, I replied to my own broadcast message in my own group again XD and in my broadcast message I said that I loved everyone and they mean a lot to me, and then I replied to that message, saying I love you too XD
Hmm....I wonder if it's possible to be a writer and a graphics designer and have a musical career at the same time. Honestly I never really thought I'd want to take a career in music, I love music, but I always thought that I'd just have music as a hobby. Mainly because I already have dreams to become both a graphics designer and a writer
lol I was singing along to my songs and my brother is sitting in the same room as me and he turned around and looked at me as I was singing XD I think he's getting annoyed with me singing XD DEAL WITH IT BROTHER!!!
*sighs* My Insomnia has returned.....I couldn't sleep until 4 something am last night....
I'm so tired....and sleepy.....the latest that I stayed awake was 7 and those two nights were on school nights....unfortunately....and on school days I usually get up at 7 am, and so I didn't get to sleep at all those two nights, and I never really stayed up a whole night before until those two nights......my eyes are really heavy.....but I can't sleep.....
hmm....what should I talk about now?....idk what to talk about.....
Personal surveytaken from Kim
Name something that made you frown today?
my mind
What were you doing at 12:00 this afternoon?
hanging out on the internet
What were you doing 1 hour ago?
listening to music
How many different things did you drink today?
nothing
What is the weather going to be like tomorrow?
cold
What are you excited about?
something
What would you do if you got pregnant?
idk
Are you typically a jealous person?
depends
What’s the biggest disappointment to you lately?
Life
Has there ever been a time when someone didn’t accept your apology?
no
How did you feel about that?
nothing
How do you deal with people that snore loudly in their sleep?
idk
Do you eat ranch with your pizza?
no
Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t?
maybe...
Would you ever consider having a relationship?
yeah....depends on the person....
Can you make mashed potatoes from scratch?
no
Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself?
no
Have you ever had your car break down on you?
no but my bus broke down once
Isn’t it weird how, if only one small thing had happened differently, your entire life would be nothing like it is now?
ikr
Has someone ever told you something that made you think, “why would you EVER tell me that?”
i don't know
If you aren’t from Texas (or possibly Louisiana), do you know what Schlitterbahn is?
I am from texas
Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family?
yes
Name someone who craves for attention:
idk
Have you ever screamed in your sleep?
no
Do you need to say anything to someone?
yes
Ever been to California? Did you like it?
yes and yes
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, how long have you been dating?
no but I'm in love with someone....it's complicated....
Have you ever dated someone, but made them not tell anyone about it?
no
Last time you ate grilled cheese?
long time ago
Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
yes
Are you someone who worries too often?
yes, I have anxiety and I'm a worrier, it's hard for me not to worry
Who was the last person you talked about?
Gameslayer
Would you marry someone you didn’t love if they paid you 10 thousand dollars?
nope
How would you feel if the last guy/girl you talked to wanted to date you?
It would be awkward.....
Trying to think of something to talk about.....
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Every Day (other topics)If I Was Your Girl (other topics)
If I Was Your Girl (other topics)
City of Lost Souls (other topics)
Leah on the Offbeat (other topics)
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