~the sea does not like to be restrained (Kavi's journal)~ Showing 12,351-12,400 of 20,355

[kavi ~he-him~]

but now I have stage fright....

[kavi ~he-him~]

ugh.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

my depression is kicking in......

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm tired of these feelings.....I don't want to have these negative feelings anyone......

[kavi ~he-him~]

my friend on twitter she was dating this guy tho I think they broke up. And he texted me a few days ago on twitter. He said hey then I said hey, we didn't really talk much but he just blocked me. and idek why....tbh Idc, because I did nothing to him, and that's his loss. And I blocked him back because he blocked me

[kavi ~he-him~]

but it doesn't really help because my depression rn....

[kavi ~he-him~]

why do I even try to be ppl's friend? I only want to be ppls' friend.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

I miss Jonathan, I miss my friends from high school.

[kavi ~he-him~]

also that guy said that my I have the cutest smile and seeing me is the highlight of his week....

[kavi ~he-him~]

but I'm not interested in him that way

[kavi ~he-him~]

Idk how to tell him that I'm not interested in him in THAT way and that I'm in love with someone else without hurting his feelings.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

I love Jonathan. I will always love Jonathan

[kavi ~he-him~]

He's my soulmate, my true love

[kavi ~he-him~]

my best friend on twitter said that she feels like we belong together

[kavi ~he-him~]

I told them the story about me and Jon

[kavi ~he-him~]

I need Jonathan because he is the reason that's keeping me here. he is the light in my life. He's my light in this depression, in my darkness

[kavi ~he-him~]

he doesn't know it yet but he saved my life

[kavi ~he-him~]

I don't want anyone else other than Jon because I can never feel the same way that I feel about Jon with anyone else. Yes there are other ppl too, but none of them can compare to Jon

[kavi ~he-him~]

yes I'd tried going for other ppl tho I ended up having feelings for two ppl for once, but I always went back to Jon

[kavi ~he-him~]

no, I'm not desperate, but my love for him is very strong and deep. like it's so strong that it's unbreakable. No one/nothing can come in between us.

[kavi ~he-him~]

if I can love him despite the break up and him breaking my heart, If I can love him this whole time, even when I wanted to hate him, if I can love him despite seeing his dark side, then this love can last forever

[kavi ~he-him~]

Jonathan is special. I sensed it after we became friends even before I started developing feelings for him

[kavi ~he-him~]

the kiss that we shared last year is the proof

[kavi ~he-him~]

when I first kissed him last year. He was the one that kissed me, it didn't last long because he had to catch his bus, It wasn't long, and it wasn't deep, but it was enough to make me melt

[kavi ~he-him~]

when I'm around him, my knees feel wobbly

[kavi ~he-him~]

I can tell him anything without him judging me, and I like that.

[kavi ~he-him~]

ugh.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

I just.....idk what to do at this point....

[kavi ~he-him~]

sometimes I really hate my life......

[kavi ~he-him~]

my depression is like kicking in, and my suicidal thoughts are back.....and my demons won't leave me alone....

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm one of the nicest person in the world, but I'm only nice to others, not to myself.

[kavi ~he-him~]

Because I hate myself

[kavi ~he-him~]

I can't see anything worth liking about me.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm annoying.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

(view spoiler)[ the urges are back. I feel like I'm going to relapse soon.... (hide spoiler)]

[kavi ~he-him~]

how can ppl love me, when I can't see anything likable about me?

[kavi ~he-him~]

Ben has noticed me more than once, don't get me wrong it makes me happy but I'm nothing special....

[jericho]

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE KAVY YOU WILL NOT DIE ON ME

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm not going to die, I can't die, because I have things to live for. I don't want to die. not right now....I have ppl I care and love and I have dreams, and one of my goals is to meet at least one of my favorite bands before I die

[kavi ~he-him~]

I made a group chat with all the Asking Alexandria guys and named it AA family

[jericho]

what do you mean not right now?

[kavi ~he-him~]

I have another group chat with all the bvb guys and their s/o

[jericho]

i know we'll all die eventually but you're saying like you go soon... i personally don't want that.

[kavi ~he-him~]

thelmaaaAHHHHHH wrote: "what do you mean not right now?"

I mean not yet, because I have things to do. I have my dreams, but I can't control my demons. And I'm only 18 rn.

[jericho]

❄️Ƙανу тнє Ƒαℓℓєη Aηgєℓ❄️ (Ɓνвαяму) wrote: "thelmaaaAHHHHHH wrote: "what do you mean not right now?"

I mean not yet, because I have things to do. I have my dreams, but I can't control my demons. And I'm only 18 rn."

you right

[kavi ~he-him~]

I just want this pain and suffering to end....

[kavi ~he-him~]

Idk what to do at this point....tbh I'm only alive fighting because of my loved ones, and my dreams, and my goals. but the demons seem worse them before

[kavi ~he-him~]

I don't want to go to therapy because I don't really like the idea of paying money just to talk to someone or someone that only "cares" because it's their job. And I don't want to talk to someone that I just met. Because I have trust issues.

[jericho]

don't we all

[kavi ~he-him~]

my parents say I had a lot of friends back in elementary school. But they weren't even my real friends.