~the sea does not like to be restrained (Kavi's journal)~ Showing 12,151-12,200 of 20,355

[kavi ~he-him~]

I tried going for other ppl but it was hard, I chose Jon twice, because my love for him is too strong

[kavi ~he-him~]

and I knew it wouldn't work out with the other people

[kavi ~he-him~]

But Jon is special

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm in love

[kavi ~he-him~]

this isn't the kind of love that "loses spark" or just dies

[kavi ~he-him~]

this is the kind of love that lasts forever

[kavi ~he-him~]

my love for Jon is too strong, and it's unbreakable

[kavi ~he-him~]

I can't be away from him for long with it hurting

[kavi ~he-him~]

this love is like my life line

[kavi ~he-him~]

I shouldn't need Jon I shouldn't need any guy/girl/anyone. but I need Jon

[kavi ~he-him~]

so....

[kavi ~he-him~]

just gonna get somethings off my chest

[kavi ~he-him~]

what happened? why am I feeling like this? I feel like breaking down. I don't wanna

[kavi ~he-him~]

I hate overthinking and yet I do it anyways sometimes

[kavi ~he-him~]

I hate my mind

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm scared of it

[kavi ~he-him~]

so I've probably told you guys this....

[kavi ~he-him~]

(view spoiler)[ I used to scratch myself.....I started doing it 2 days after the break up but I wasn't doing it because of Jon, I was doing it cause the pain was too much and so was my depression after a while I stopped doing it but then I started again but I didn't do it everyday but I stopped again, and then for months I didn't do it, I turned to music, and I was in a bad place at that time, but now....those thoughts and demons are back and they feel worse then before. and then 2 days ago, I had that urge again I didn't want to do it, I wanted to fight it I wanted to be strong, but that urge felt strong, so after I got out of the shower, I usually change in my room so I found some push pins and then I poked my leg with it, trying to make some small cuts on it. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't fight it. I just relapsed. it's like one part of my mind was trying to bring me down but then there was the other part was trying to fight the other part (hide spoiler)]

[kavi ~he-him~]

guys, Idk what to do

[kavi ~he-him~]

I want to be strong, I should be stronger than this

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'd been on the edge before and I kept going

[kavi ~he-him~]

why am I even feeling this way?

[kavi ~he-him~]

and I also was thinking about my past a little. I hate thinking about it but I get flashbacks sometimes

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm scared.....

[kavi ~he-him~]

outside, I'm trying to act like I'm okay but inside I'm just a broken and shattered girl

[kavi ~he-him~]

my parents don't know I'm broken.

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm broken beyond repairable and I don't think I can be fixed

[kavi ~he-him~]

the thing is....

[kavi ~he-him~]

I don't want the help. I don't wanna go talk to someone, that only "cares" because for their job

[kavi ~he-him~]

I just want someone to be there and understand me and not leave. But I don't want the pity, I don't want anyone to be my friend just because they feel bad for me. Do you guys understand what I mean?

[kavi ~he-him~]

I can't control my thoughts

[kavi ~he-him~]

I want Jon, I need him. He keeps me safe against the dark place in my mind. he doesn't know it tho.

[kavi ~he-him~]

I say that I don't care about my haters or if anyone leaves me but the truth is it hurts inside, and I grew up with haters so I can't tell if ppl really love me or not

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm a soldier of the bvbarmy I should be stronger then this....

[kavi ~he-him~]

but I'm so fragile inside

[kavi ~he-him~]

and I break if I'm under too much stress.

[kavi ~he-him~]

sometimes I get a little jealous of Juliet cause she is so pretty.

[kavi ~he-him~]

prettier than me

[kavi ~he-him~]

there are ppl that hate me, and there are ppl that love me

[kavi ~he-him~]

and I can't see myself in other ppl's perspectives I can only see myself in mine

[kavi ~he-him~]

and the way I see myself isn't that good.

[kavi ~he-him~]

yes I accepted myself, but that doesn't mean I love myself

[kavi ~he-him~]

but I'm trying to learn, I want to, but it's difficult.

[kavi ~he-him~]

I want to move on from the negative parts but it's like I keep getting flashbacks.

[kavi ~he-him~]

maybe that's another reason I want to move to LA

[kavi ~he-him~]

there are some bad memories here.

[kavi ~he-him~]

I want a fresh start, like somewhere new.

[kavi ~he-him~]

I'm gonna go to bed now, bye guys

[kavi ~he-him~]

Happy National coming out day guys


I am very proud of all of you. And I will always support you no matter what

[kavi ~he-him~]

ugh....why is love so complicated?.....