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Humor/Satire - A tale about a jerk with a heart of odd. Games and prizes inside! Winners announced!
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Pie Eating contest
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to some. They come in many scrumptious flavors like chocolate liver mousse, limburger cheese cake, and spinach key lime pie.
To participate, type “Pie me!” and I will use a random number generator to tell me how many pies you have managed to eat. The person who eats the most pies will win a personalized music video produced by my creator Rebekah Webb. You can choose from my voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfF4hDt3SyY , which sounds like a dying skunk, or my fiancé Candy’s voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_IGKgQF3HU , which sounds fairly decent.
In case of a tie, there will be a pie off.
This will start on the eighth at 12 noon PST and continue until the tenth at 11:59 PM PST
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to some. They come in many scrumptious flavors like chocolate liver mousse, limburger cheese cake, and spinach key lime pie.
To participate, type “Pie me!” and I will use a random number generator to tell me how many pies you have managed to eat. The person who eats the most pies will win a personalized music video produced by my creator Rebekah Webb. You can choose from my voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfF4hDt3SyY , which sounds like a dying skunk, or my fiancé Candy’s voice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_IGKgQF3HU , which sounds fairly decent.
In case of a tie, there will be a pie off.
This will start on the eighth at 12 noon PST and continue until the tenth at 11:59 PM PST
Obstacle course
This isn’t just any obstacle course, it’s a website obstacle course. On the front page of my website, www.CarJohnson.com , you will find a little trivia question that will lead you down a rabbit hole into my website, where you will go through each part of the course, ultimately reaching the finish line. The answer to each question is the url for the next page, so if the answer is fish, the url would be CarJohnson.com/fish. (Note: Since fish is not one of the answers, this url will not work.)
The first person to email my creator at rebekalora@gmail.com the code on the final page of the course will win a free ebook copy of the Life and Times of Car Johnson. Everyone else who reaches the end and emails the code will be entered in a drawing for a chance to win a copy.
The first question will be posted here and on the home page of my website on April 9 at 2 pm PST. The course will run until April 16 at 11:59 pm pst.
The obstacle course is opening early! The first answer is a freebie. The answer is www.carjohnson.com/cowfetus
This isn’t just any obstacle course, it’s a website obstacle course. On the front page of my website, www.CarJohnson.com , you will find a little trivia question that will lead you down a rabbit hole into my website, where you will go through each part of the course, ultimately reaching the finish line. The answer to each question is the url for the next page, so if the answer is fish, the url would be CarJohnson.com/fish. (Note: Since fish is not one of the answers, this url will not work.)
The first person to email my creator at rebekalora@gmail.com the code on the final page of the course will win a free ebook copy of the Life and Times of Car Johnson. Everyone else who reaches the end and emails the code will be entered in a drawing for a chance to win a copy.
The first question will be posted here and on the home page of my website on April 9 at 2 pm PST. The course will run until April 16 at 11:59 pm pst.
The obstacle course is opening early! The first answer is a freebie. The answer is www.carjohnson.com/cowfetus
Guess the cow fetuses in the jar
Some of you may not know, but I am an avid collector of cow fetuses. They are my bovine buddies and feature strongly in my attempts to become a country music superstar (despite me being from Northern California and having the voice of a dying otter).
Well, I’ve gotten a large jar and put as many cow fetuses as I could in it! And you have to guess how many are in there! Whoever gets closest will win a personalized Car Johnsoneque greeting card to be sent to the person and address of your choice.
This event will run on April 10 from 12 noon PST to 11:59 pm PST.
Some of you may not know, but I am an avid collector of cow fetuses. They are my bovine buddies and feature strongly in my attempts to become a country music superstar (despite me being from Northern California and having the voice of a dying otter).
Well, I’ve gotten a large jar and put as many cow fetuses as I could in it! And you have to guess how many are in there! Whoever gets closest will win a personalized Car Johnsoneque greeting card to be sent to the person and address of your choice.
This event will run on April 10 from 12 noon PST to 11:59 pm PST.
My creator Rebekah decided to answer the interview questions from last year and this year.
1. Describe your favorite scene in your your book and tell us why it’s your favorite.
The scene where Car has a cow fetus tea party in the middle of town. It’s just so wonderfully silly and Car doesn’t realize how he actually looks to anyone else while he’s happily having tea with his little bovine buddies.
2. Which of your characters, do you relate to the most (or) who is your favorite character and why?
Well, for The Life and Times of Car Johnson, I can tell you who I relate to the least. Car may be the main character, but I’d be a little scared if I agreed with most of what Car thinks.
3. “Story” has always been the center of all human cultures. We need it. We seek it out. When we lack it, we invent it. What does “story” mean to you?
To me, story means the ability to craft and share ideas with other people. Those ideas can be profound, they can be silly, but they are always shared.
4. What story has recently inspired/moved you?
I was moved by a few true stories I have read recently.
5. Characters begin with their strengths and weaknesses. Many authors reflect their own strengths and weaknesses in their characters. What are some strengths and weaknesses that you relate to, and how have these traits influenced your characters?
As for me, I have many weaknesses, though this would be a very long list if I posted them all. :) Some of my main weaknesses is being incredibly hard on struggling to find self-worth. Not all my characters share my weaknesses, since I find writing as a way to explore people that aren’t the same as myself. Of course, some characters do as writing is also a way to explore the crevices of my mind.
The fact that those crevices carry a lot of satire and horror probably says something about me, but I have no idea what. There’s also sci-fi and fantasy in there too, plus some romance hidden away.
6. What did story mean to you as a child?
As a child, story meant a doorway into fun adventures with characters I could play with any time I pleased, even when I should have been paying attention to something else. Come to think of it, story still seems that way a bit now too.
1. Describe your favorite scene in your your book and tell us why it’s your favorite.
The scene where Car has a cow fetus tea party in the middle of town. It’s just so wonderfully silly and Car doesn’t realize how he actually looks to anyone else while he’s happily having tea with his little bovine buddies.
2. Which of your characters, do you relate to the most (or) who is your favorite character and why?
Well, for The Life and Times of Car Johnson, I can tell you who I relate to the least. Car may be the main character, but I’d be a little scared if I agreed with most of what Car thinks.
3. “Story” has always been the center of all human cultures. We need it. We seek it out. When we lack it, we invent it. What does “story” mean to you?
To me, story means the ability to craft and share ideas with other people. Those ideas can be profound, they can be silly, but they are always shared.
4. What story has recently inspired/moved you?
I was moved by a few true stories I have read recently.
5. Characters begin with their strengths and weaknesses. Many authors reflect their own strengths and weaknesses in their characters. What are some strengths and weaknesses that you relate to, and how have these traits influenced your characters?
As for me, I have many weaknesses, though this would be a very long list if I posted them all. :) Some of my main weaknesses is being incredibly hard on struggling to find self-worth. Not all my characters share my weaknesses, since I find writing as a way to explore people that aren’t the same as myself. Of course, some characters do as writing is also a way to explore the crevices of my mind.
The fact that those crevices carry a lot of satire and horror probably says something about me, but I have no idea what. There’s also sci-fi and fantasy in there too, plus some romance hidden away.
6. What did story mean to you as a child?
As a child, story meant a doorway into fun adventures with characters I could play with any time I pleased, even when I should have been paying attention to something else. Come to think of it, story still seems that way a bit now too.
Map Categories: #ComedyAuthors, learn how to set your own categories for your booth in the backstage area!
While we wait for the pies to bake, here's an excerpt from The Life and Times of Car Johnson:
I started being stalked a few weeks ago. Someone kept following me around, leaving notes on my car’s windshield, telling me how much they loved my singing and how my hair reminded them of a burning trash fire and they wanted to shave it off and weave it into a shirt. After reading these notes, I danced for joy. Someone actually liked my work enough to stalk me!
So, I saved every note in a scrapbook and shaved my head and left a box of hair on my car for my stalker to find, even adding some toenails into the mix. A few days later, I found an envelope attached to my windshield, with a photo of a rockin’ Car hair shirt inside, plus a thank you note written with my toenails glued to a piece of yellow construction paper. I showed them off to my family and my girlfriend Candy, then had them laminated and glued to my bedroom ceiling, so that I could look at them while I was going to sleep at night.
My stalker, who I decided to name Stalky, started to leave little Car dolls scattered around my front yard, each one made out of a different type of candy wrapper and with a small origami cow fetus in their tiny hands. Candy helped me gather them all up and put them around my house, creating a mini-army of myself to cheer me on while I went about my day. They smiled at me with their foil mouths and gave the house a happy vibe.
To thank Stalky, I made a six foot tall statue of what I thought she looked like out of old yogurt containers and stuck it on my front lawn, along with a special note:
Stalky (may I call you that?),
I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re awesome and I’m glad you chose to stalk me. If you ever want to get together, I’m all for it, but I know that might be impossible… since you’re my stalker and all.
PS.
I made you this statue. You are a six foot tall female mime, right?
Forever stalked,
Car
Stalky replied to my letter by tying a giant stuffed Car dummy to the tree next to my house, dressed in some clothing that had gone missing from my drawers and wearing a necklace made out of photographs taken of me in various places around the city. She also left a small note embroidered on the dummy’s chest. Meet me at the abandoned amusement park on State Street – tonight at 8 pm. Tell no one.
Yippee! I was going to meet my stalker! So, I spent the next twelve hours picking out clothes I thought would impress Stalky, finally settling on a pair of pants made out of AstroTurf and a white tee-shirt with “Officially Stalked” written on it with black magic marker. Then I cooked up a big batch of microwave popcorn and put it all into a giant garbage bag to sling over my shoulder and present it to my stalker like Santa.
After putting another layer of raspberry infused olive oil into my hair, I drove over to Joe’s Happy Palace, a once thriving amusement park shut down for graphic images of gruesome diseases and the fact that most of the rides were made out of painted over Popsicle sticks. All the way over, my heart beat faster than a mechanical monkey powered by espresso. What did Stalky look like? What would we talk about? Would they like my new greasy hairstyle?
Well, now was the time to find out. I parked in front of an old diorama of a family suffering from flesh eating bacteria and looked around for my stalker. There, in the shadows, was a figure holding up a glow in the dark sign that said “Car’s Stalker.” I stepped closer and a shaft of moonlight cast down on their head like one of those cheap flashlights that don’t have much power, but work okay, so you never throw them out.
My heart stopped at the sight of her. The woman before me, my own special Stalky, was my girlfriend Candy! Her more obsessive personality had been so quiet lately that I’d forgotten all about it. This, though, was way more involved than anything she’d ever done before. There was no denying it. This was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me.
I started being stalked a few weeks ago. Someone kept following me around, leaving notes on my car’s windshield, telling me how much they loved my singing and how my hair reminded them of a burning trash fire and they wanted to shave it off and weave it into a shirt. After reading these notes, I danced for joy. Someone actually liked my work enough to stalk me!
So, I saved every note in a scrapbook and shaved my head and left a box of hair on my car for my stalker to find, even adding some toenails into the mix. A few days later, I found an envelope attached to my windshield, with a photo of a rockin’ Car hair shirt inside, plus a thank you note written with my toenails glued to a piece of yellow construction paper. I showed them off to my family and my girlfriend Candy, then had them laminated and glued to my bedroom ceiling, so that I could look at them while I was going to sleep at night.
My stalker, who I decided to name Stalky, started to leave little Car dolls scattered around my front yard, each one made out of a different type of candy wrapper and with a small origami cow fetus in their tiny hands. Candy helped me gather them all up and put them around my house, creating a mini-army of myself to cheer me on while I went about my day. They smiled at me with their foil mouths and gave the house a happy vibe.
To thank Stalky, I made a six foot tall statue of what I thought she looked like out of old yogurt containers and stuck it on my front lawn, along with a special note:
Stalky (may I call you that?),
I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re awesome and I’m glad you chose to stalk me. If you ever want to get together, I’m all for it, but I know that might be impossible… since you’re my stalker and all.
PS.
I made you this statue. You are a six foot tall female mime, right?
Forever stalked,
Car
Stalky replied to my letter by tying a giant stuffed Car dummy to the tree next to my house, dressed in some clothing that had gone missing from my drawers and wearing a necklace made out of photographs taken of me in various places around the city. She also left a small note embroidered on the dummy’s chest. Meet me at the abandoned amusement park on State Street – tonight at 8 pm. Tell no one.
Yippee! I was going to meet my stalker! So, I spent the next twelve hours picking out clothes I thought would impress Stalky, finally settling on a pair of pants made out of AstroTurf and a white tee-shirt with “Officially Stalked” written on it with black magic marker. Then I cooked up a big batch of microwave popcorn and put it all into a giant garbage bag to sling over my shoulder and present it to my stalker like Santa.
After putting another layer of raspberry infused olive oil into my hair, I drove over to Joe’s Happy Palace, a once thriving amusement park shut down for graphic images of gruesome diseases and the fact that most of the rides were made out of painted over Popsicle sticks. All the way over, my heart beat faster than a mechanical monkey powered by espresso. What did Stalky look like? What would we talk about? Would they like my new greasy hairstyle?
Well, now was the time to find out. I parked in front of an old diorama of a family suffering from flesh eating bacteria and looked around for my stalker. There, in the shadows, was a figure holding up a glow in the dark sign that said “Car’s Stalker.” I stepped closer and a shaft of moonlight cast down on their head like one of those cheap flashlights that don’t have much power, but work okay, so you never throw them out.
My heart stopped at the sight of her. The woman before me, my own special Stalky, was my girlfriend Candy! Her more obsessive personality had been so quiet lately that I’d forgotten all about it. This, though, was way more involved than anything she’d ever done before. There was no denying it. This was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me.
The pie eating contest is open!
R. wrote: "Pie Eating contestPie ME!!!!!
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to some. They come in many scrumptious f..."
Here is the first of my inanimate object author interview. Here Ed Ireland has been turned into a silver and blue amulet to talk about his fantasy novel, Fire at Dawn.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Molly wrote: "R. wrote: "Pie Eating contest
Pie ME!!!!!
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to some. They come..."
You have eaten 49 chedder cheese and chocolate cream pies. Wow, you must be extra full now!
Pie ME!!!!!
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to some. They come..."
You have eaten 49 chedder cheese and chocolate cream pies. Wow, you must be extra full now!
R. wrote: "Molly wrote: "R. wrote: "Pie Eating contestPie ME!!!!!
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to s..."
R. wrote: "Molly wrote: "R. wrote: "Pie Eating contest
Pie ME!!!!!
Step right up! Car Johnson here! In this even you will eat a delicious pie my mother made. Her pies are famous, or infamous, according to s..."
So delicious :-)
Since my creator Rebekah Webb is visiting her brother and his family, she has informed me she is currently under a stuffed animal animal attack by her two year old nephew. Doggies and teddy bears have cute on their side, so she doubts she will win this fight.
Kate M. Colby's interview is up. She has been turned into a mechanical frog to talk about her book, The Cogsmith's Daughter.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Heidi Angell's interview is up. She is now a bandolier speaking about her book, The Hunters.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Here is another expert from The Life and Times of Car Johnson:
My friend Dave is a health nut. He boils his bottled water and follows what he calls a “cow diet”. A cow diet solely consists of eating large quantities of prepackaged regurgitated food products. Dave buys it direct from New York. To think, some guy actually makes a living throwing up meals for diet junkies.
It’s like those people who sell their pee to athletes. Most athletes have more steroids in their system than a super-sized cow, so they need ringers to give a steady stream of pure urine for testing. That seemed a lot less painful than sticking my finger down my throat and blowing chunks, and a quick way to make a buck, so I mailed a sample to the Denver Broncos. Maybe I shouldn’t have stored it in a thermos. They took it the wrong way and issued a restraining order against me.
My bedroom is papered with all the restraining orders I’ve managed to get over the years. Only one of them is valid. I really do want to kill the jerkoffs who canceled Ally McBeal. The rest are all misunderstandings. How the hell could someone take a bouquet of roses as a threat? The noose around the stems was to symbolize that I’d kill myself if they ever stopped working at the coffee shop, not that I wanted to hang them from the front of their apartment!
My friend Dave is a health nut. He boils his bottled water and follows what he calls a “cow diet”. A cow diet solely consists of eating large quantities of prepackaged regurgitated food products. Dave buys it direct from New York. To think, some guy actually makes a living throwing up meals for diet junkies.
It’s like those people who sell their pee to athletes. Most athletes have more steroids in their system than a super-sized cow, so they need ringers to give a steady stream of pure urine for testing. That seemed a lot less painful than sticking my finger down my throat and blowing chunks, and a quick way to make a buck, so I mailed a sample to the Denver Broncos. Maybe I shouldn’t have stored it in a thermos. They took it the wrong way and issued a restraining order against me.
My bedroom is papered with all the restraining orders I’ve managed to get over the years. Only one of them is valid. I really do want to kill the jerkoffs who canceled Ally McBeal. The rest are all misunderstandings. How the hell could someone take a bouquet of roses as a threat? The noose around the stems was to symbolize that I’d kill myself if they ever stopped working at the coffee shop, not that I wanted to hang them from the front of their apartment!
I even made a YouTube video with that excerpt. It's Car-tastic!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVYdp...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVYdp...
Hi Rebekah and Car,Just popping in for some pie, I'll be heading off to the obstacle course later.
Pie me!
Rainne wrote: "Hi Rebekah and Car,
Just popping in for some pie, I'll be heading off to the obstacle course later.
Pie me!"
You have eaten 25 mustard and lemon meringue pies! You mst have really liked mother's cooking!
Just popping in for some pie, I'll be heading off to the obstacle course later.
Pie me!"
You have eaten 25 mustard and lemon meringue pies! You mst have really liked mother's cooking!
Mustard and lemon meringue... Wow! I'll have heartburn later! lol
The obstacle course is opening early! The first answer is a freebie. The answer is www.carjohnson.com/cowfetus
Rainne wrote: "Mustard and lemon meringue... Wow! I'll have heartburn later! lol"
I have some liver and orange soda. That always calms my heartburn.
I have some liver and orange soda. That always calms my heartburn.
Lenita Sheridan's interview is up. She has been turned into a gauntlet to speak about her fantasy novel, Guardian of the Gauntlet.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
You guys can discuss any hints for the obstacle course and try and work out the answers on this thread. I might post if you're hot or cold, though I won't post the answers.
Zachary P. Chopchinski's interview is up. He was turned into a broom to talk about his book, The Curious Tale of Gabrielle.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Sophia Madison's interview is up. She was turned into a killer necklace called Death's Noose to talk about her fantasy novel, Blue Ruin.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
The obstacle course will be open until April 16th at 11:59 pm pst.
Good Morning,Stopped by for some spinach key lime pie. Yum, green. Hope the convention is going well for you. If you get a chance, check out my booth. God bless rodeo clowns and best wishes from Texas!
Tim wrote: "Good Morning,
Stopped by for some spinach key lime pie. Yum, green. Hope the convention is going well for you. If you get a chance, check out my booth. God bless rodeo clowns and best wishes from ..."
Thank you for stopping by! I hope you enjoy your pie and I'll be sure to head over to your booth. I'll drag my author along as well.
Stopped by for some spinach key lime pie. Yum, green. Hope the convention is going well for you. If you get a chance, check out my booth. God bless rodeo clowns and best wishes from ..."
Thank you for stopping by! I hope you enjoy your pie and I'll be sure to head over to your booth. I'll drag my author along as well.
Maddy wrote: "And I'm guessing 7 cow fetuses"
Good guess! And you have eaten 5 lemon shrimp apple pies. Mother put some whipped cheese on top of the last one.
Good guess! And you have eaten 5 lemon shrimp apple pies. Mother put some whipped cheese on top of the last one.
Rebecca P. McCray's interview is up. She has been turned into a sword to talk about her science fiction/fantasy book, The Journey of the Marked.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Here are some children's books that I created a while back. For some reason, they weren't as beloved as I'd hoped they'd be. Everyone said, "Car, what the hell were you thinking?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpQLH...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpQLH...
Nan Sampson's Interview is up. She has been turned into a cow clock to talk about her paranormal cozy mystery, Restless Natives.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Jade Royal's interview is up. She was turned into a black Lexus to talk about the erotic fantasy she posts in installments on her blog.
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
https://carjohnsonrocks.wordpress.com...
Thank you all for coming and having fun in my booth. As the convention is now winding down, I will announce the winners. As no one won the obstacle course, I will keep that open past the convention and award a surprise ebook copy of my book to one of my commenters.
Molly Neely won the pie eating contest, so she will be getting a free music video sung either by Car Johnson or his fiance Candy.
Maddy won the Guess the Cow Fetuses in the Jar, so she has won a real greeting card in the style of Car Johnson.
Tim is the recipient of the free Ebook copy.
And as a thank you for stopping by, Rainne will receive a short 200 word custom horror story.
Congratulations all!
Molly Neely won the pie eating contest, so she will be getting a free music video sung either by Car Johnson or his fiance Candy.
Maddy won the Guess the Cow Fetuses in the Jar, so she has won a real greeting card in the style of Car Johnson.
Tim is the recipient of the free Ebook copy.
And as a thank you for stopping by, Rainne will receive a short 200 word custom horror story.
Congratulations all!
Oh Wow! That's awesome!Thank you, Rebekah :)
Welcome to the CAR-nival!
What is a CAR-nival, you ask. Well, it's like a carnival, but with more me! There will be games, prizes and interviews with other authors that were turned into inanimate objects for this event!
A little about Car Johnson:
www.amazon.com/Life-Times-Car-Johnson... The Life and Times of Car Johnson is the literary equivalent of a bottle of vodka mixed with garden gnomes. It is what would happen if you mixed satire with the rambling rants of that uncle you could never stand.
I am a part of Angela B. Chrysler's Story Time Event. Come sit back and enjoy a humorous tale. http://www.angelabchrysler.com/b2bcyc...