Our Shared Shelf discussion
Jan—My Life on the Road (2016)
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"Always ask the turtle."
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I'm a survivor of domestic abuse, and although support is always appreciated, every so often (particularly in romantic relationships), it can get a little... over-the-top. Listening is the biggest help. If I feel a need to share something, a listening ear is just what I need. What I don't need is for people to decide things for me -- you know? It's been eight years. I get better little by little. There are definitely setbacks, and sometimes I struggle, but when someone tries to speak up on my behalf or step in and accomplish something for me, it often feels like that opportunity has been taken away. Yet again, my control is gone.These are little things. I am fortunate enough to have a great support system. But being seen as "vulnerable," that people have to tiptoe around me? That's the worst.
This was a very powerful quote for me too, it actually made me think of this speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpPAS... Since I hope to become an activist too, I think that asking the turtle is one of the most important pieces of wisdom anyone can get. Especially because I think we have all been the turtle at least once, but we keep forgetting to ask others. An example of my life?
I'm Mexican, which means my darker skin gives me away whenever I go on vacations to the US, and something that gets to me every time is the condescending looks people give me. People constantly talk to me slowly, as if I was stupid, when they don't know that I've studied English ever since I was two years old. And when I reply with good English they look surprised, it's insulting. As Latins we are constantly misrepresented as illiterate, lazy or even stupid. And even when I know I am privileged, it bothers me that people think they can put an entire nation down just because of the stereotypes they are bombarded with.
As a young woman who grew up in a ...ahem "strict" household I learned early on to speak only when spoken to and even then only as a response without offering up anything more, and that made a lasting impression on me, as I kept my mouth shut for many years after leaving that environment... It is through books like this and others, by learning about the lifetimes of women such as Gloria Steinem, through deep and engaging discussion with like minded thinkers that I am feeling compelled to action. I am encouraged to no longer be the turtle, and to find my voice, and am beyond thankful for the women like Gloria and of course Emma Watson who have a profound impact on our society and our lives!
Honestly considering getting this quote tattooed.
As a domestic violence survivor a friend of a friend used to try to help me by being mean to my abuser after we broke up. Nothing could have bothered me more than that because I felt that I had sacrificed years of my life to make him happy and someone making him miserable now was not a comfort to me, but even when I told her that she kept doing it. I loved this story because it reminded me of that and it gave me a way to remember that I have to make sure I'm doing the right thing for others.
Melanie Francis - welcome to healthcare work. Your ears will be your most valuable tool. I have been a nurse for many years and can assure you that listening is so important.
This resonates with me as well. As a person with a disability, people make assumptions about me. They just assume I can't do things. Yes, there are times when I need help doing something, or need certain accommodations. These same people would deny me that, because they say "Well you didn't need help with x, so why this now?" It's either all or nothing to them, which is inappropriate. One should always ask first.
Holly wrote: "This resonates with me as well. As a person with a disability, people make assumptions about me. They just assume I can't do things. Yes, there are times when I need help doing something, or need c..."I have chronic obsessive-compulsive disorder, and I can relate to your frustrations with the way people assume that I am unable to function, or else the way they assume that I should be able to things the same way others can. There are times I want help, and there are times I just want people to understand my experience without trying to fix it for me.
This is a big ah ha! Moment for me. I am a mother hen. I always want to take care of people. But asking what would be helpful is a thoughtful and sensible step I can't believe I haven't thought this way! Never assume you know why people need.
I loved this story, as a Buddhist who enjoys parables. It's so easy to insert our own feelings into a situation - asking first, listening then acting is difficult for me. Loved this.
Amanda wrote: What about you is misrepresented by other people? What are questions you were never asked but wish you had been? Sorry! Verbocityitus. ;)
People in my life, tend to assume that whatever ails me, can be done away with by merely: 1. taking a pill (food alleriges) 2. getting therapy for Munchausen (something I do NOT have) 3. Setting lower expectation in men - aka allow them to eat whatever they want with no regard to my allergies, and further, my interests do not belong in the relationship. "After all, opposites attract". Seriously? Just because they married the first person who asked out of abandonment issues.
What do we really need? Will smiling at everything as if we are a vegetable with Alzheimer's who only knows how to smile cure everything? No. Smiling will not pay the bills, will not get true, unconditional love, and will never meet the needs of women everywhere. Women did not win the rights to vote by merely smiling at sexist men who denied us that right to vote so long ago.
Misrepresentation: Society tends to assume that 100% of all people with Developmental Delay Disorder or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome are either
1. lying about their condition Or
2. Is incapable of any work whatsoever (including finding pictures that violate the TOS for decency, Janitorial work, and so on.
3. Would be a detriment to the business if hired for any job whatsoever.
4. Deserve to have less than living wage wages that do not even cover rent, let alone decent healthy food - especially the overpriced foods needed by those with the wrong food allergies, and that their training wage that is often less then $3 per hour (See news story on this subject if its still online, but it used to be less than $3 for certain participants in a specific program I can not name due to Tort Laws).
5. Believing that ONLY those who have a BS or BA degree or better, deserve a living wage. I have a BS and couldn't get a living wage job withOUT someone helping me with my writing of my books. Yes, I am THAT disabled. I have the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, except in my case, I have random recall. This is why I am still on Dissedability. I tend to ramble, and recall half of a good thought and substitute "crap" for the 2nd half - aural communication. In writing, I catch the crap, and then don't post for a few days until my brain functions again - even on my area of Savantness, which is Sociology, Social Science - especially along the lines of discrimination and inequality. (Why I am only sporadically here.)
Questions I wish they would ask me:
1. What are your needs? I need to be loved like everyone else. I need My interests to actually be Allowed in the relationship. And yes, lastly, I need to be allowed to make a living wage In England such that I can get off of Disability and ditch USA. My interest tend to line up with British sports.
People take for granted that I can eat at 100% of all restaurants out there. I can't. They take for granted that I can do whatever I put my mind too. I can't. They take for granted that they can call up "friend" and do whatever they want. My friends are low mobility, in wheelchairs. Camping is problematic. Cycling is out of the question. Golfing is out. They take their significant others for granted too. I don't have one. I was banned from that too. They take for granted their parent's love, and that they weren't abused as infants. Their are exception too all of this of course. J K Rowling is one huge exception. She would understand what I went through I know. But, even she found love. And, has a child. I was banned from that too. My goals have never been reached except for getting a BS through over-achieving. When can I reach MY life goals? When do I count in this world of discrimination and hate? Why am I sentenced to only needing to "smile" and do not need healing of that which makes my life "hell on earth"? (FAS, Food Allergies).
Thanks!
^^I have a BA and a Masters, and people STILL think I don't deserve a living wage because I have a disability.
That was a stand out story in the book for me. In my experience people do come to a situation with their own intent and assume that it is the same for everyone involved. I have a similar story where a neighbor found a turtle wandering the neighborhood and put it in the community pond only to discover after the fact that it was a neighbor's tortoise (tortoises do not swim they sink) that promptly dropped to the bottom of the pond and drowned.
Not only do people assume their intent to be universal they also think they know what's best for others with taking the time to listen or giving others a chance to express themsleves.
People assume I'm a right winger and uneducated mostly because of outer appearances. I'm a webmaster with two degrees but because I live in a conservative state, drive a truck, have a "traditional" marriage and family, and keep to myself, I am usually lumped into the right wing extremist group. Because I am physically disabled, the right wingers assume I live on welfare and shun me too. Each view comes with "ideas" for how I can "change" to be more like them. The thing is, I'm good with who and what I am and don't need anyone's help. I just wish someone would take the time to ask me about me instead of making a judgment based on their own personal bias.
I feel like the turtle every time someone gives me unsolicited weightloss advice. And this happens surprisingly often coming from total stranger, friends or family members. Now I just smile and ask them to ponder what it is about my weight that bothers them so much...
But I confess I also felt called on by this quote. I returned my share of turtles to the water and will definately be more attentive in the future. Thanks again Gloria :-)
But I confess I also felt called on by this quote. I returned my share of turtles to the water and will definately be more attentive in the future. Thanks again Gloria :-)
Star wrote: "As a young woman who grew up in a ...ahem "strict" household I learned early on to speak only when spoken to and even then only as a response without offering up anything more, and that made a last..."The way I see it you are the turtle. We all are, and we are doing what we must whether we know our purpose or not. Though others may not ask us where we are headed unlke the turtle we have a voice to speak our truth.
Well, being the turtle really sucks.I would love to be asked:
Do you conform as a woman?
Because it is so annoying that everyone assumes I conform as a woman just because I look like one.
And I would like people to be more respectful, I hate it when they assume so much. Like: Look until you have children. (Ahm, why does everybody assume that I will have babies.) Or what is normal.
For any who were also struck by this quote: What about you is misrepresented by other people? What are questions you were never asked but wish you had been?