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Blurb Help, Please
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Sounds good to me. I would want to read more.
Bernie wrote: "Sounds good to me. I would want to read more."Thanks.
Maybe you want to mention something about it being a horror. Other than "a tale of paranormal horror" nothing in the blurb indicates horror or scariness. What even is "strange magic"? To me, all magic would be strange. Is the magic the source of the scares?Just trying to help.
Devin wrote: "Maybe you want to mention something about it being a horror. Other than "a tale of paranormal horror" nothing in the blurb indicates horror or scariness. What even is "strange magic"? To me, all ma..."I almost used "dark magic" but that didn't quite sound right. Will keep thinking.
Amber wrote: "Devin wrote: "Maybe you want to mention something about it being a horror. Other than "a tale of paranormal horror" nothing in the blurb indicates horror or scariness. What even is "strange magic"?..."You could always consider "terrible magic" or "grotesque magic" if either of those fit. Or something along those lines.
Mm. It's subtle and sneaky, not grotesque. Terrible once she realizes what's happened to her, though.
I like "dark", it has an eerie/mysterious connotation if that's what you're going for. I was thinking there is a lot of info in your 2 sentences. Wondered about starting the second one with "As her fascination consumes her, Mikayla changes..." to make it a little shorter after having already established who she's focused on in the first sentence. Sounds interesting!
I agree with Sandy and thought the sentences could be shortened. Just possibly make them into more sentences.
I feel your pain from writing blurbs. I think it's the hardest part. I always struggle with writing the blurb for my books (I've changed my latest, like 3 times already). I write poetry and prose on a variety of subjects, so it's hard to summarize. Your blurb sounds good, though, I would just add a little more.
Thanks, all of you! I like "as her fascination consumes her."With an 8,000 word short story it's challenging to say much without spoilers. With a 100,000 word novel I feel I can drop more hints. :)
You could tighten it a bit to make the opening even more appealing to readers. Consider: if the Cree man's girlfriend is not extremely important, delete mentioning her as you reach out to grab your reader's attention. You can always bring her into the story later. A question I often ask myself when trying to sharpen my work is: Does my reader need to know this NOW?Other than this, it sounds very good.
Josh
Thanks. Good question. The absent girlfriend is a big factor in the plot.I think I've got my final version. The story will come out in a few days. I'll share the final blurb with all you helpful people!!!
Here's the final version. I used some of your word-choice suggestions. Thank you, all the helpful people.
Bearing
A tale of paranormal horror based on Native American myths.
Mikayla, young Apache woman attending a powwow with her family, becomes entranced by an outsider, a Cree man who shows up without his Apache girlfriend. As her fascination consumes her, Mikayla changes in ways both pleasurable and frightening, powerless to overcome his dark magic until it may be too late.
Amber wrote: "I have gotten the best blurb help from total strangers on Goodreads. I need some more. I'm getting ready to release a long-ish short story soon, which I'll describe as subtle horror. It's a scare t..."if it were me, I would break it down- your opening sentence is way too long and "wanders."
maikayla, a young apache woman attends a powwow with her family. PERIOD. during the ceremonies she becomes entranced by an outsider (give a name). - do we care that his gf isn't there? we don't even know who he is... or why this would be relevant
is her fascination and all of this taking place at the pow-wow.. or ongoing after the pow-wow...? is the pow-wow relevant to the story or incidental?
and why do we care whether she overcomes this dark magic? what is its affect our potential danger?
-- anyway- I've been raked over the hell coals of pitch-building.... passing along some of what I've learned;)
Here's my draft blurb. Please feel free to tinker with it in any way--offer full revisions or minor tweaks. I won't be offended. I want it to work. Thanks.
Bearing
A tale of paranormal horror based on Native American myths.
Mikayla, young Apache woman attending a powwow with her family, becomes entranced by an outsider, a Cree man who shows up without his Apache girlfriend. As her life is swallowed up by her fascination with him, Mikayla changes in ways both pleasurable and frightening, powerless to overcome his strange magic until it may be too late.