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La Constante del Caos
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The grammar looks largely fine. I would add a comma after "pasty". In the last paragraph, I would delete the dash and "Patience" should begin with a lower case "p". But apart from that, it seems okay.I hope you don't mind me saying this, but stylistically I find the language a little purple. There are too many adjectives for my taste. In some parts of the text every noun has an adjective: FAINT memory, FAMILIAR voice, LONELY dwelling, BITTER roots, SWEET fruit, RAGGED pants.
Sometimes we are tempted to put in lots of adjectives and adverbs to try to make our writing feel more intense and expressive. Unfortunately it can have the opposite effect. The reader can be overwhelmed with too much information. It does not leave much room for their imagination.
This is particularly noticeable if we use the same stylistic device over and over again, such as adjective-noun. It can help to break the pattern every now and again, for example by describing some of the nouns in a different way - say by using a simile or metaphor, or by describing emotion.
Multiple adjectives can also be a problem, such as "soft, pasty decaying human flesh". I'd question why we need three adjectives here.
Do maggots pulsate frantically? I don't think they do. It feels like a vivid image for the sake of a vivid image.
I was a bit confused by the description of the way the flesh tasted. First we are told that the food would have had a sweeter taste a few days earlier. Then we are told that the marinating made it so much nicer now. That seems to be a contradiction - either it was better days ago or it is better now. It's hard to see how it can be both.
I didn't understand "patience transformed the sweet fruit of life into bitterness". I can't see where he is being patient and what is sweet or bitter in this scene.
I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, but you did ask for feedback...
agree with will for the most part. but nothing wrong with purple prose. I tend to use it as a stylistic choice when I write my pulp novels. it's up to you
Hi Luis, good for you for giving this a go. Getting a book translated into another language is no easy feat, and can be scary (you are trusting the translator with the fate of your baby, after all!). I'm a translator, but alas, not from Spanish. 'Just wanted to wish you good luck though :-)
Thank you very much Will and K.P. I really appreciate your constructive critic. I agree with you. I know that I abuse of adjectives in these paragraphs, but I wanted to create a really vivid image that cause impact (this text is the prologue). Onward in the book, I use others resources and much less adjectives.Anyway, I'll check it in order to don't cause an impression of poor prose and I'll try to make it clearer.
Hahaha, that's right, Gaines. It's a leap into the void (I don't know if this expression is used in english).
Thank you all!
"Leap into the void" makes perfect sense and is very descriptive :-) Some would also say it's a leap of faith.
Hi Luis,I think the verbiage is fine as is. I really liked it! It gives the text an 1800s Gothic feel.
I think there is one grammar error:
Only then did he kneel over the body of his prey and swept... It should be sweep. (did kneel, did sweep).
I needed to read this sentence more than once to understand it. Perhaps it is the overuse of the word 'had':
Maybe his withered mind had twisted those words that he had heard in each of the countless lives he had lived.
Perhaps change it to: each of his countless lives (obviously he lived them, and if more than one then obviously in the past. Adding that seems redundant).
It seems to me that the last line contradicts your first line...that you should write the bitterness of life gets transformed into sweet fruit.
Good luck!
Luis,I thought about this a bit more. To deal with strictly translation and grammar, I thought your translator did a good job. But I see 2 errors:
1) swept should be sweep (probably many folks would get this wrong)
2) The second line: "Patience...fruit". Should be...fruit." (The period should be inside the quotes.)
Probably also more correct would be: ...dwelling, "Patience... instead of using the : and a line break, but if you want this called out separately then I think it's okay as is.
I think the rest of the comments are around your personal style of writing as opposed to the translation.
Hi Bob!Thank you very much for your help.
We have corrected "the sweep", "the had" reiteration and some other things that you, Will and the others had noticed.
And again, thank you all! It's wonderful to know that people like you exist around the world.
You're welcome, Luis, and let us know when the translation is finished.
Luis wrote: "It's as good as done :)"Nice!
My name is Luis Ortega and I'm an author from Spain.
I'm looking for an English translator and I've received a proof from a text of my book (La Constante del Caos) translated into English.
I would really appreciate if you tell me if the next text is grammatically correct and looks like a professional narrative text.
Thank you so much!
A faint memory brought a familiar voice into his lonely dwelling:
"Patience is a tree with bitter roots but sweet fruit".
Before starting his feast, he checked one last time that the tablet he kept under his ragged pants was still there. Despite having killed for it and having transcended time and space to find it, he could not even remember what it was for, or why he felt the need to protect it. Even so, stroking his fingers across the engravings on its surface brought him immense satisfaction.
Only then did he kneel over the body of his prey and swept away the frantically pulsating maggots with his hand. Then he took an anxious bite, tearing the flesh and gripping a piece tightly. He chewed slowly, tilted his head back and closed his eyes as the thick, cold liquid dribbled slowly down his chin. He felt dizzy with pleasure as the intense flavour of congealed fat and soft, pasty decaying human flesh flooded his palate. As far as he was concerned, he’d never had anything better in all his life.
The food would have had a sweeter taste a few days earlier, just hours after the boy had died and his muscles were still stiff with rigor mortis. But after all this time, the flesh had softened and the taste it had acquired after marinating was so much nicer.
Maybe his withered mind had twisted those words that he had heard in each of the countless lives he had lived – and would live in the future: Patience transformed the sweet fruit of life into bitterness, and he loved it.