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Merlin Sandhill WSC tells all, and then some that you didn't really want to know about in the first place
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message 51:
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Merlin
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Jul 21, 2014 11:28PM
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August 3, 2014 The day has come!!
I am finally back from my cruise through southeast Alaska!!
I got back yesterday, to be exact.
As Nadia explained in her journal, sometimes bonds can be formed in a matter of minutes. You only realize you've made them when they're ripped from you.
I feel like that happened over the cruise. For the sake of remembrance, I'm going to post they're names. In case years from now I forget
Amanda
Tasha
Blaine
Dan
Hope
Vivianna
Phil
Julius
Chris
Olivia
Miranda
Taylor
Bradley
Kyle
Elena
Spencer
May you all be remembered, and held close to my heart as bonds that may never be again. As bonds of friendship and hate, and relation.
Moooooving on!
I'm getting new clothes for school. Changin my wardrobe, cuz it needs to be changed. WOOO
I need some ties...
I want some ties yo.
-Missing Maggie, and her love of ties
I didn't meet Conner I don't remember that name
SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 It's been a long, long time. School's started.
XCoutnry running starts two weeks before school, so I already made...acquaintances...but so far, not many friends...
I think I seem gothic, or just kind of scary. But that is not of import, people will get to know me...
I hope...
Anyhow, I have several people who I suspect to have interests in me, one of them being a senior who's name is...
Lo-
lets call him
Leonard.
Anyhow, he's a senior, and wouldn't stop talking to me one day. Asking me what movies I liked, how old I was...
He asked me for my number...
IT WAS SO AWKWARD THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED
so I gave a lame excuse cuz I didn't know how to respond. Either way, we're meeting in this classroom during lunch on Monday, which scares me so so so so very much
News on my crushes: My sister seems interested in my main crush, lets call him Aaron, because she's the same age, two years older than me. Its harsh...
no other words for that
-Maggie, worried, socially awkward, and completely out of control
(PS i re-dyed my hair to dark brown.))
aww, thank you for commenting on here. I usually find myself to be alonederful.
September 14th, 2014 Yesterday was homecoming. I was so excited to go, and I got all dressed up pretty-like. My "date" was my best friend, and we themed our outfits super-well.
She suspected there might be a punch-bowl, so she brought some sort of alcohol mixture in a water-bottle to hopefully spike it. But with the absence of the foreseen punch-bowl, she had me try some, and chugged some herself.
She was pretty drunk seeming, and I was kind of worried. She was just dancing it away, and swaying all over the place when suddenly she just sort of...
Fell.
Passed-out.
The teachers all came and they called in the police and an ambulance. Some said she was on drugs, some said she was really really drunk, and some said it was a little bit of both. They carried her out on a stretcher, and by then I was crying so much, I left early with my parents.
My older sister, being the great person she is, had me and my sister sit around a table and gorge on Chocolate ice-cream, then watch "My neighbor Totoro" until midnight. Some neighbors came over, brought some Gatorade, let me pour out my troubles on them.
In the short version, my friend's in the hospital, and I never want to go to a high school dance again anytime soon.
-Maggie, distraught and emotionally unstable
ah Rhett and Link, never failing to cheer me up
September 28th, 2014 Today, I went to a comic-con thing in my town, the biggest one in Alaska! It was so fun, I dressed as Sam Winchester, and got to play just dance, and one worst-supernatural-pick-up-line!
If you're interested, it was this
Are you research? Cuz I would do you on the table, with Dean watching...
It was sad though, cuz I wasn't very well recognized compared to my sisters' costumes (Castiel and Maka...both very impressive.) But I had a lot of fun. Met new people...yeah. Also, I got to see my old friend from elementary school for about 4 hours :P
NOT to mention, at some point, I gave up being Sam and put my Sam-ish hair into a poney-tail. Then I went for "Worst cosplay costume" as "Manservant Sam" and got 3rd place.
On the topic of my friend who got drunk: I've been talking to her a bit, but I just...don't trust her. She's not that close anymore, and I'm just kind of pushing her away. It hurts a lot though. She's been my best friend for years.
But I just...
Can't.
-Manservant Sam in denial
December 9th, 2014 It's been a very long time, but I don't really know how relevant that is.
Significant things that have happened:
1: I learned that I indeed have feelings of affection (I thought I lost them)
2: Sister's best friend asked me out, and we went on one date. It was very awkward, and it ended up with me coming out to my parents about being bi. They were angry, and were really mean for a while, but not so much anymore.
3: I gained two of the best friends I have ever had- I call them "B" and Estelle. Both consider themselves not straight, so now I'm linked into the school's community of unstraightness
4: I joined skiing.
Dear god, the hot people.
Like...dannnng
5: Season ten of supernatural. Nuf said.
6: I started homestuck.
7: Two of my older friends have crushes on me since I came out to my friend group. Awkward tension there
8: 4 people have caught my eye.
Okay, that's about it for updates. My older sister is yelling at me, and I need to go to school. Bye?!
-Maggie, not so feelingless as she thought
Still December 9th, later in the day, 2014 Urg. Today sucked.
My guy friend has a crush on me. For a while now. But he wont fricken leave me alone. It really bothers me after a while-but he's really nice, so I can't bring myself to tell him to gtfo.
And on another note, one of my crushes is one of those people that has....a whole ton of options. And I'm angry about being just assumed as some sort of option among many. It makes me frustrated.
-URGH
December 17th, 2014 As you may notice, I changed my name to Merlin Crane W. There you go guys.
Mostly, I did that cuz Sandhill doesn't encompass my imaginary ninja name. It's Sandhill Crane, shortened to either Sandhill or Crane. But no one was getting Sandhill, so Crane it is.
W stands for Winchester. I shortened that to seem like less of a creep.
Okay, on another topic.
DAVEJOHN
AUGHHH
IT'S TOO BEAUTIFUL
I CAN'T
AUGH.
Im glad im in homestuck now.
Gonna cosplay Dave in the future someday. Just saying. Maybe I'll put a picture of that here. Idk. Maybe.
Also, my friend who got me into homestuck...the "B"
She kind of asked me out. And she lives down my street. And we might be goin to like...a movie or idk.
BUT DAMNIT SHES ADORABLE I WISH THIS WAS A DATE.
-Maggie, misunderstood dork
December 23, 2014 Finals happened, and the kind of anniversary for my year or two on goodreads. It's officially already been the anniversary for me being not in a legitimate relationship since my first (and only) boyfriend. The good thing is that I'm finally feeling people for other people-particularly, "B"
Her name isn't actually that, I'm just using it to refer to her casually, so I don't use her real name.
Maybe I'll call her Bae instead...that fits a bit better.
Anyhow, I went to Bae's house on the 21.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Like....level 2 achieved.
First, we drank hot chocolate, and I brought movies and was awkward. Then Bae and Her sister began to compare Bae and my relationship to some different pairs of people. I was confused cuz I didn't know any of them.
Then, we watched The Cat Returns. We started on opposite sides of the ouch, and ended right up next to each other. Not much more than sides touching, but it was so freaking awesome.
Then, we put in Castle In The Sky. Watching that was... too psychedelic. Not going into details, but we were flopped into each others arms, all snuggling and crap by the end of it, and it was the greatest thing ever.
Even better, in the end, her sister was still comparing us to pairs of people I didn't know, and then Bae brought up that we were definitely Dave/John. That I was Dave, and she was a dorky little John.
And it suddenly occurred to me that they were comparing our relationships to different adorable ships.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I planned to go over again today, to make brownies, and drink coffee, and WATCH MORE MOVIES, but my grandma decided we should pay an all afternoon visit today.
I love you grandma, but I really, really wanted to go make completely "plutonic", profound-bond brownies with my "best friend". I don't know what else to take from that interaction on the 21st.
BUT I KEEP DOUBTING MYSELF DURGH
-worried friend...who may or not be a friend
January 2nd, 2014 Happy 2015, ya'll!!
Big news!!!
It's a long a complicated story-I think I'll type it out right here
Okay. I was walking home from My friend's house because I went to see Mockingjay part 1 with her and her friend, as well as me and my twin sister
my crush was supposed to come, so I saved some candy from the movie, and planned to stop by her house to drop it off there, make sure she wasn't dead, etc.
I ended up spending the night, which resulted in me forcing her to eat soup, and then binge watching Forrest Gump. When we finished it, we watched Zombieland.
And then, after some dramatic arm clinging and stuff, she just went forward and kissed me. Scared the crap outta me, but it was damn awesome. Explosions and the sounds of zombies in the background.
Sweet.
A few days later, I asked what our relationship was-and turns out, she doesn't really want us to be in a relationship because she's afraid I might get hurt, or that we won't still be friends if we have some sort of falling out. I was freaked out at first, because it felt like she was asking me to be her whore. A bit.
But things cleared up, and I think things are gonna be okay. If not, really, really great.
"plutonic" profound-bond indeed, past Mags.
Anyways, peace ya'll. Thank for standing that though with me-(if you even did, whatever)
-Maggie, friend with some benefits
message 71:
by
-adonis ❰Stitched you up, put you together With cotton and feather Gave you love, put my heart inside you Oh what could I do When you started talking
(new)
The eggplants are rising
Mod
The eggplants are rising.
...im sort of confused, but okay, I guess
It was sometime in the beginning of second quarter that I met a girl.Some sort of dumb link through Supernatural forced us together. But she kept with me through the class-drawing dumb pictures through lectures, laughing at my awkward attempts at joking, and generally making me feel better about myself
I began to grow a better appreciation for drawing, and began to legitimately put effort into making my pictures into legitimate art. I experimented with drawing people, shadows and the like. Mostly messy pictures of the Supernatural characters hugging, or, at most, a dumb comic I named “How it became canon”
But on one particularly boring day, when she sat further away from me, I found myself drawing her. A rough, scratchy drawing from observation. Observation I didn’t even know I made
It scared me, and kind of irritated me that I drew it. I felt as though I had unearthed something inside me that I was hesitant to feel.
We grew to know each other better, and I learned that she had a girlfriend. This freaked me out more, making me suddenly feel deep betrayal to her for ever considering drawing her. I had violated some sort of unspoken barrier that was held between friends. So I bound the drawing into a notebook, and attempted to forget whatever feeling I had entertained before.
She started to tell me about breaking up with her girlfriend, that she wanted to stop the relationship at some point. And being the massive tool that I am, I encouraged her to follow what she wanted to do. So she went through with it.
So she was open, and I no longer felt restrained to continue drawing. I would draw after any sort of specific instance we interacted. Any interaction that gave me hope that we might ever be together, I drew.
Drawing as a recourse for my emotions began to become normal. And things began to grow rough-her speaking of us being never-ending friends began to depress me and push me down. I began to lose hope, even with her now constantly leading me on, what hope was there to keep?
I never once questioned whether this coping could be a bad redirection of my emotions. I never once thought I could be misconstruing my emotions by not showing them except through deeply private drawings. I was isolating my emotions from anyone’s speculation without thinking about it, and harboring false feelings from fantasy I had created.
I began to draw pictures that portrayed unnecessary anger at her, and I began to take the drawings as more serious than I intended. I felt angry and confused with her more often, blowing situations out of proportion through my drawings
These all went into the notebook as well, which was now becoming a documentation of my descent into supposed “madness”
At some point, I met a no good friend of mine. Thankfully, she listened to my story through this situation. And every time I was distressed she would try to help me out of it. So I ended up being on and off aggressive, soothed after I would speak to this newer friend, but deeply and pointedly angry at the girl I would draw from something like...gut emotion.
Somewhere around this time I spent the night at this girls house-she surprisingly lived down the street from me, making visits simple. And during this visit, she kissed me. I was elated, in a high I hadn’t felt since years before. And because of this positive emotion, I felt no reason to draw in the notebook. The notebook wasn’t really relevant in my mind, because all was well in the world. It was my first kiss, and I felt no reason to record it because of this beautiful imprint on my soul. I didn’t need to release this into a drawing-I didn’t want to. I wanted to cherish the feeling.
The day after, I asked her what our relationship was, curious and excited by this experience. She responded with something around
“Friends that kiss each other?”
Of course I was angry. I knew for a fact she had commitment issues, but this had flipped something inside me, had crushed what emotion I had kept. and through an entire night I was in grief I couldn’t explain or control. At some point I started to feel just straight up fear, and started hyperventilating, hearing noises that translated into voices in my mind. I was weeping uncontrollably for the first time in about 2 years- since my first break-up, I’d only been able to shake-uncontrollably to release grief out of personal belief that crying was a form of self-pity. Once more, I was soothed by my newer friend, and was able to keep this situation and break-down from my family.
I drew two drawings, trying to memorialize that night and my grief.
I also began to question my sanity. This instinctive and indirect anger at her couldn’t be natural, or necessary. I was making things up, wasn’t I? I was coming up with things in my head on why she would be so...uncaring towards to me.
She hadn’t really tried to associate to me anymore. Just as when I had ever been angry at her, I was forced to continue the relationship out of pure desperation. This experience I had gone through couldn’t possibly mean anything, I mean, It was fine. I wasn’t important. I was being self centered, I wanted this all for myself. Through about two months, I would be honest with her sometimes, and sometimes just flat out angry. I would crawl away, knowing from all romance stories and abusive relationships I had witnessed that I needed to get out. But every time, I would somehow drag myself back to her. I was, in a sense, her bitch.
I resigned at some point to not even want her in a relationship. I just didn’t want an enemy. I didn’t want her to be sad. My goal, I decided, was to make her happy, and keep her happy.
She had always been good friends with her ex even after they broke up. They would visit each other after school, hold each other’s hands.
To me, it felt like they never really broke up, and it made me feel like shit every time I would see her. They were almost glued to each others sides, but I tried to deal with it. It was my fault for feeling jealous of something that couldn’t be anything more than an innocent relationship. It was my fault for thinking these things, because, well, how outrageous!
And every time I would confront either of them on the subject, they would confirm my own affirmation-that they were only friends, that I was the crazy one, that I was being greedy and selfish, and immoral.
Through this entire section of my life, my newer friend urged me, as my gut did, to get away. To get her out of my life, and to find someone new. But I hadn’t felt this hopeful towards a relationship in all of my life. No one had initiated a relationship with me. No one had had an intimate emotional relationship with me. And somehow, I felt hope that she could be the perfect candidate for this unfulfilled aspect of my life.
Besides these hopes, I was set over the edge one day, when she was trying to sit next to us both in some sort of assembly. Playing us both, the clingy ex and I. Holding one person’s hand, hugging the other, talking to one...it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel okay
My newer friend passed me a note during this, urging me to use this as an example. This is why my hopes were futile, she said. She urged me to see this situation as a turning point. You can’t please two people romantically, because one will be unhappy while the other is pleased. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
And through this assembly, I noticed something. This girl I had drew was only concerned for me out of some form of guilt. She felt guilty for me. She had no other intention that to maybe appease her own shame with the excuse that she was still being “nice to me”
So during lunch that day, I flipped her off, and proceeded to force them both out of my life.
You might see this as being the end of the story. In fact, in a fit of rage I burned the notebook. It was a forced action to get rid of the attachment. Burning for me is an emotionally cleansing process that just provides closure. As crazy and pyro as it might seem to some.
I drew one last picture to describe my last impression of her. It was messy, my shaking hand sketching out her familiar hair and highlights. But after that, I felt I was done. Done with her, done with romance, done with her in my life. It felt like a beautiful end, a beautiful and pleasing closure.
Tragically, I only lasted a week before I crawled back to her. I didn’t want her hurt. I only wanted her happy, even if it was detrimental to me. It was fine, I was friends with her. It was fine. Things were okay. Being friends with her was my excuse, but in truth it was probably her drug-like effect on me.
I got banned from her house because her parents thought she was being cruel by leading both her ex and I on. I felt relieved because of the forced separation. Maybe I could get over it. But to when would I ever get this opportunity to be loved again? Once more, I felt unnecessary, futile, dumb hope push me on.
But I was revealed something quite recently from a forced source. She had information, and I was desperate to know
Apparently, this ex had been kissing the girl I drew. They had, on one of their supposedly innocent visits, nearly had sex. They had been caught by someone's parent, and the ex had weaseled out of punishment for either.
I was so. angry. So infuriated.
I punched a wall until my knuckles started bleeding, I burned a massive amount of newspaper.
I had been right. The entire. Fucking. TIME.
How innocently they had called me crazy. How innocently they had defended themselves, as if they were somehow the superior and more pitiable ones in this situation. How foolishly I had acted like a tool.
...
I’ve decided to become asexual. As you asexual folks might think “You can’t just become ace, it’s something you were born with...”
I can assure you, I kind of have. I fell into fear that night I found out, and had nightmares about being touched. Hugged. Kissed.
Every relationship I’ve been in, I realize, has been about touching me. And I can’t take it anymore. I just want something where I can be assured through words. I want a relationship that is mature enough that it doesn’t involve physicality. Because physicality is what has ruined me. Physicality is what I now cringe at, what I start crying about.
I hope you all understand.
June fourteenth, twenty fourteen I'm back on goodreads after what...4 months?
Its been a very very long time. It feels strange to see these things I was once proud of, and am now ashamed of. Strange to see things I feel as though I should be ashamed of, and not feel ashamed.
Altogether, bear with me here, as I try to clear things up
Numero uno: You cant "become" asexual. Way to go past me, you really f@cked up.
Numero dos: I'm sorry that this was a vent place for me sometimes-I go over a lot of this and realize that sometimes I wasn't right. Sorry for being a ass of the past-or maybe of the now, or whatever. Im immune to my own asstastic-ness
-PSA from yo friends Merls yo
June 16, 2014 Man, time to get ya'll catched up now. I have maybe thirty minutes, so I'll try to keep it short.
School's out! And I look back on the events of the year sometimes with a fierce anger-for obvious reasons of having met the most evil spawn of satan to exist on this everloving planet.
Okay that was a bit dramatic-I told myself to stop doing that as much.
Okay, well, she's a maneater, make em work hard make em sweat hard make em want more of her love. Generally. Bitch.
But as I've slowly descended myself into the fandom-hell they call homestuck, I've been introduced to the ideal of light polygamy-matesprite meaning full out love-love relationship, moirail meaning friend-love relationship, auspictice meaning balancing to keep two at peace relationship and kismesis meaning hate-love relationship. It's confusing and wrong to me, but whatever you're into.
So anyways, my other friend in homestuck said I should consider hating this demon spawn officially, in a relationship. I said hell no at first, but then...like, I don't know. It made sense.
But alas, she's too tied up in herself to love me OR hate me. So its just this weird relationship where she assumes that she's being a good friend and keeping things platonic, even when she decides to make out with me. Fine by me frankly.
Fucking devil satan spawn. Urgh I hate her so much sometimes.
Sorry for the rant, just trying to make it into sense in my mind, and hopefully, yours.
-Confused unrequited kismesis.
June 22, 2014 My goodness this journal has gotten personal. I changed the title so it could be a little more descriptive and elaborate-hopefully so that people like myself can ignore it a little more.
I mean seriously-nobody really knows/cares about your title about being depressed or no one loving you or your secret nickname because no one here really knows you quite in real life. So...whats the point of making your title elaborate except to get attention? Think about it
Either way, ironically, i myself have made my title longer, about exploring high school and fandoms-which is what this journal has done, hasn't it? I decided to sum it all up as best and as mockingly dramatic as I could. I also changed my title's name to Merlin Sandhill W.S.C because why the hell not be a Winchester-Strider-Captor? Only problem is the mouthful.
I might change my name to that, for the sake of matching the title. Ah the depressing bouts of my existence online.
-Merlin Sandhill WSCwhatever
psa I'm changing it back its too obnoxious to be ironic. Something less will be perfect
July 14, 2015 I love my journal...it's gold, and no one can convince me otherwise. Just read through it all the way through for the....what, first time? And man, if I could high five my past self repeatedly and endlessly, I would.
Actually, maybe not, my hand would hurt.
Anyways, to the real subject of my life- INJURIES! Something that no one in the end really wants to hear about but they're forced to listen through obligation to fulfill curiosity. Anyways, I really have been 'through the wringer' both mentally and emotionally, and it's time I just made a list cuz if you know me, I'm all about lists.
1: Concussion/resulting six-months of rehab from migraine problem
2: The heifer 'B' is a 'B' and ruined my life, ultimately
3: I sprained my right ring finger
4: Two days after the finger thing I sprained my thumb and got nasty road burn up my entire right calf (roller skiing...it's hell on wheels.)
5: I got Influenza B (currently) which has kept me from a really fun bike race, and from going on a youth group trip to Detroit.
In other words, I'm pretty disappointed in the year. Cursing the heavens and throwing and angry fist to the sky in contempt.
Only, there is something good coming out of the year- my best friend is coming back from her exile to Hawaii. Okay, not exile, she was mentally unstable, but still, she's returning. Also, I have another love interest, a good good friend of mine whose name is Mia because I don't give a single care about the code names and stuff anymore.She nice, and I would post more about her, but our relationship so far is a little complex for the timeframe I have to explain anything.
-Sick Skeletor's Busy.
August sixth, 2015 About time I updated!
Alright, So Mia apparently has a....not-boyfriend who's like a boyfriend and who she treats like a boyfriend and stuff. So in the chess game of potential relationships, she's off limits, out of reach, whatever. Ariweather, who I'm not sure if I posted about, is also distant. Still a potential bae.
I'll go ahead and retell the ariweather story-
A..."aaron" is this great guy going to my church, who I've had my eye on for EVER. I've pursued him from the shadows for a very long time, but never have I come from the metaphorical bushes to tell him what's up. Instead, I've only stared at him and looked away blushing.
In one embarrassing instance, I was looking at him across from a bonfire, making a s'more for myself while on a church camping trip. He noticed me, and gave me a weird look right as I bit into my s'more-and due to my embarrassment, I got the thing all over my face and in my hair and had to run for cover in a cabin. It was by far the most romantic-comedy moment of my life.
Anywayyys. Another story about "Aaron" regards the comparison of a group of him and two of his friend to the Lewis and Clark expedition. They were in a canoe, okay! Give me creative credit, here.
Anywas, there was Trenta-jawea, Lewker, and Ariweather.
So now, "Aaron" is "Ariweather"
But, back to potential baes, a new player has joined the game. I'll just call them (bigendered) Kyle.
Kyle and I are going on a date on Saturday, as they asked me out. Last week, we went to a Japanese fest, and just...I was so flustered to see them since we met at Pride-Prom. I haven't seen them since then, so seeing them at Jap-Fest was...flustering!
I got a kiss on the cheek.
-Being-flustered-for-Baes-goes-against-the-purpose-of-courting-them-Maggie
I'm using the goodreads app, so no idea how to do any sort of pictures and italics as usualBut
It's the 25th of August, 18 days since my last post. I'll try to updat as well as I can
I have a significant other! A non-binary bro of the romantic type, who lives a good sixty miles away from me. It's awkward but alright-we text and send videos and sound bites. There's a bus to my town from theirs so we see each other when we can, and it's good.
I've gotten into gravity falls, and watched all of over the garden wall. Well, I haven't gotten I to gravity fall, per say, but I've gotten more interested in it, with the second season and all. I ship billdip, and actually some dirt cuz I'm a gay shipping hoe. Been reading fanfic lately cuz idk. Johndave is good stuff.
Weirdly, I have a polyamorous relationship sort of with some of my friends-it's almost weird but okay-we kiss and snuggle and it's good. On the side almost, as just a bromance thing kind of.
Idk how I feel about it. Or if I should tell significant other (spoilers-it's Kai from aforementioned posts!!!)
I have an iPod now so being non attentive is so much easier.
Speaking of non attentive, I gotta bounce out and read more dirt shipping (dipper and wiry, it's weird don't ask)
-mags the dirty player
