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Gingerlily - The Full Wild | 36808 comments This is for anyone who feels a bit down and needs a cuddle. Tell us what your woes are and get some sympathy :)

message 2: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments I so need a bear like that! Thanks, GL :)

I'm just finding things really difficult at the moment.

My grandma has been poorly for the past two months (sepsis, septic arthritis and a broken hip). For a while, we didn't think she would make it. She is now home from hospital but is requiring 24hr care, which is something that we just cannot do. We are doing are best, but she keeps telling us that it isn't good enough.

She's also being quite nasty to us when we are there. I know that it's just because she's in pain and I try to ignore it, but when it's everything she says, it's really quite difficult. I went over to see her earlier because she wasn't answering her phone and I was worried, and she said that I shouldn't have bothered because she has to get used to being on her own. I was close to tears when I left.

I'm supposed to be moving away at the end of the month to start my teaching course, but I don't feel that I can go if grandma is still requiring so much help. I have one brother going back to university and one starting a college course, so they aren't able to help out, which means that everything will be down to my mum. Currently we are having to go over to grandma's three times a day (7.30am - 12am, 2am-5pm, 9.30pm-11pm) and she won't be able to do that on her own. I've been working towards being a teacher since I was 16 and I don't want to give that up, but I don't want to leave everything to my mum either. Grandma makes us feel really guilty when we mention carers so that isn't an option either.

Because we've been doing so much with grandma, I haven't done nearly enough of my pre-assessment essay for my teaching course and I'm worried that I won't get it done. I also haven't got anything packed. Whenever I say that I need to go home and do my essay or get things packed, she makes me feel really guilty about it.

I've had messages from family members about deferring a year, and grandma has asked me to put off my course until she's better (even offering to pay me).I just don't know what to do. It feels really selfish to go...

message 3: by Gingerlily - The Full Wild (last edited Aug 18, 2015 12:08PM) (new)

Gingerlily - The Full Wild | 36808 comments Oh I'm so sorry to hear that Katy. Its a very difficult situation. No wonder you feel like you need a cuddle.

Maybe someone who knows more about how things work in your area might have some suggestions.

message 4: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, GL.

The doctor phoned earlier and said that she needs to take some iron tablets and she might have to go back into hospital tomorrow, but she's said no then phoned us to shout at us for interfering (we asked them to take bloods because she's being sick and has a temperature). We phoned the doctors and said we need help, because we didn't know what else to do. They're going to refer the case to social services and see what help we can get. Grandma has said that she won't have anyone in her house, though.

The worst part is that she's constantly telling us that the things we do aren't good enough and that she'll have to reevaluate her will because of it...

Desley (Cat fosterer) (booktigger) | 11094 comments What a difficult situation Katy. Could you defer your course?

message 6: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments I haven't spoken to them about it, but I'm sure they would let me if I explained the situation. If not, I guess I would just have to reapply and re-interview when I'm ready

Gingerlily - The Full Wild | 36808 comments Katy, this must be all very difficult and painful for you, but it really sounds like she might have to accept some help, even if she hates the thought of it. I don't blame her for that, but she is making things more difficult for herself and everyone around her. Probably because she is in pain and afraid and having to face up to her mortality.

I sympathise as my parents are heading in that direction too, and I am really hoping it doesn't get that bad for them.

Desley (Cat fosterer) (booktigger) | 11094 comments Katy wrote: "I haven't spoken to them about it, but I'm sure they would let me if I explained the situation. If not, I guess I would just have to reapply and re-interview when I'm ready"

I just think that with everything going on, you might struggle with the course so deferring might give you a better chance in the long term

message 9: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments GL, it is difficult. She's only 67 and she was so active earlier in the year with her gardening.

Desley, I think I might have to.. it kills me to admit it, though. I've been so looking forward to it

Rosemary (grooving with the Picts) (nosemanny) | 9081 comments This has been a very hard time for you Katy so I offer you a big hug from me too *squeeze*
Remember that older people who have infections often have some effect on their personality from them xx

message 11: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Rosemary :)

She's always been a bit like this, but she's never discussed her will before. It's quite hurtful that she thinks she has to bribe us when we're doing all we can for free anyway. We thought it was the urine infection to begin with, but that's been gone a few weeks now

I feel so awful for complaining because she's been through so much but it's getting to the point where I don't want to be around her anymore because she's being so hurtful..

message 12: by ✿Claire✿ (new)

✿Claire✿ (clairelm) | 3055 comments Massive hugs for you and your family Katy.

I know you've said the urine infections's gone but it might be worth getting it double checked, they're prone to hanging around when you think they're gone and can make the nicest person act nastily (I had a 100 year old lady give me a barrage of verbal abuse one day, because of an infection). Other sorts of infection can do similar things and a temperature is one of the indicators for some form of infection.

You might find she comes round to the idea of carers once she meets them, especially if they come in to do certain things at certain times.

Just make sure you do the right thing for you with the course, and fingers crossed they will defer if you choose to, you've worked so hard to get there.


message 13: by David (new)

David Staniforth (davidstaniforth) | 7939 comments As much as I feel for your grandma, Katy, I feel you have your life to live and you should go ahead and start your course. There is help out there for people that need it, and hopefully your parents will be on hand when needed. The only reason I can see for deferring is if the distraction would effect your studying.

I feel for you, but do what is right for you.

Desley (Cat fosterer) (booktigger) | 11094 comments I agree about getting a urine sample checked, they can be tricky blighters to get rid of. Does she drink cranberry juice at all?

Don't feel awful for complaining, this is a crucial part of your life. Things like this don't just affect the ill person.

message 15: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Claire. She has an appointment with the fracture clinic tomorrow so we're definitely going to mention it.

We also need to query the fractured hip. We have been told that her other hip was fractured, then it wasn't, then her arm was broken, then it wasn't, then her arm was broken in two places, then it wasn't. Now the other hip is fractured? it's all so confusing and frustrating.

I've just mentioned to my mum and my fiance and my aunt and uncle (who I would be moving in with in September) about deferring my course for a year and they weren't very impressed. They said that I need to do something for me, as I have practically been a second parent to my brothers for the past 10 years or so.

It's all just so confusing...

message 16: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, David. I just feel like I should be able to fix everything. I always have done!

Desley, she used to drink cranberry juice. At the moment, she isn't able to keep any food down or anything to drink except water

message 17: by ✿Claire✿ (new)

✿Claire✿ (clairelm) | 3055 comments In that case she might be either dehydrated or hypoglycaemic (low blood sugar) which can make people agitated and not their normal selves as well. That sounds odd with the fractures, definitely need to find out what's really broken!

I would agree with your family and David, you need to do things for you as well as fixing everything else :) But only if you're not going to spend your whole time worrying about your Grandma.

message 18: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Claire! I'll definitely ask about those tomorrow. Could anaemia cause this too?

It just feels like we're drowning and no one is able to give us any help or any answers

message 19: by G J (Gaff to my friends) (last edited Aug 18, 2015 01:42PM) (new)

G J (Gaff to my friends) Reilly | 1901 comments Hi Katy, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Would you mind if I play devil's advocate a moment? If you'd rather not, don't read on (spoiler alert).

I know you feel like you should defer, and that you feel guilty for going to college, but I don't see you writing that either of your brothers are doing the same, so why should you? I know that you feel terrible, and you want to be there to help your mother, but there are services available if she does require the near constant care she seems to. Sadly, nobody likes to hear that, so, if you made it this far, I hope you're not offended.

Your going to college is about you, not about what you're leaving behind. If you defer this year at the request of others, what's to say that they won't ask the same of you next year?

Like I said at the beginning, I'm only throwing it out there. I can't offer advice on what you should do, it wouldn't be right. Just keep your chin up, and make sure you know all your options before you decide. Bigs hugs, K, I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

message 20: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Gaff :) I'm not offended.

I've always done as much as I can so that my brother's didn't have to. I had to grow up earlier than I would have liked, so I've always done everything I can to make sure that they don't have to. I hope that makes sense?

We haven't been able to find much information about who is available to help us. The hospital didn't give us any information. They didn't even check if grandma had anyone at home to care for her before she was discharged.

I'm doing everything I can to have everything sorted so I can start my course in September. I really don't want to defer :)

message 21: by Lynne (Tigger's Mum) (last edited Aug 18, 2015 01:52PM) (new)

Lynne (Tigger's Mum) | 5862 comments Oh Katy. I do feel for you. Firstly you've got to be clear what exactly is going on with grandma. As the others have said water infections can have very odd reactions. My mother in law was really odd when she had one. We thought she had dementia but it wasn't and her mind became clearer as she got better.but she was 95 not your grandmas age. If she needs 24 hour care it should be arranged by the GP or hospital on discharge. Can someone ask exactly at the clinic what fractures they have been treating. Don't give up hope for your course. She may be just feeling very poorly and worried that she will be without your help and visits when you go away. I'm not far off grandmas age and there's no way I'd try to stop you achieving your ambition. If carers are available but grandma prefers you that's understandable but not kind to you. Sometimes you have to be firm and fair to yourself too, in a dilemma like this.

message 22: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Lynne :) we will definitely be demanding answers and help tomorrow!

I'm feeling more like I should go for me, rather than let grandma guilt me into staying. It's been so nice to be able to talk to the group and get outside perspectives :) I can't tell you all how much I appreciate this.

message 23: by Lynne (Tigger's Mum) (last edited Aug 18, 2015 02:18PM) (new)

Lynne (Tigger's Mum) | 5862 comments I remember a similar situation when we were just married and going to Zambia on a three year contract. My mother in law was in her 60's and told us flatly that we'd never see her again as she be dead before we came back. yes, that mother in law I mentioned earlier who was 95. I do hope your Grandma gets better quickly and I'm pleased you can see what's happening. Big hugs

message 24: by ✿Claire✿ (new)

✿Claire✿ (clairelm) | 3055 comments I believe anaemia can Katy, it can certainly cause fatigue and lethargy.
Keep talking to us as much as you need to :) x

message 25: by Kath (last edited Aug 18, 2015 02:35PM) (new)

Kath Middleton | 25061 comments Katy - think of yourself. If your gran was in her right mind she'd encourage you and be massively proud of you. My mum died about 3 years back and, like your gran, wasn't keen to have carers in. I used to go twice a day and my sister, who worked part time, live with het. There's no way on earth that we'd have a!lowed the younger family members to give up their chances. My mum eventually asked for residential care.

message 26: by Jim (new)

Jim | 21872 comments I'm with Kath on this one.
Let us be blunt about this. You cannot be her carer. You haven't the training, the experience or the stamina to cope.
Not only that but in twelve months she could well be worse and need even more care, and by that time everybody will be expecting you to defer it again!

I'm sorry that I think some of your family seem happy to dump everything onto you and your mum and are a bit slower and coming forward and doing something themselves. Why doesn't one of your brothers take a year out?

My advice, for what it's worth, is do not let anybody 'guilt' you into deferring. You and your mother cannot cope and it would probably end up ruining your mother's health.
Get carers in, for your mothers sake.

message 27: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Kath and Jim :)

Jim, you are right. People have always been happy to dump everything on me and my mum. My aunty lives 10 minutes away from my grandma and works part time, but insists that she can't visit Monday to Thursday because she's too busy with work and home life. Her daughter hasn't helped at all since grandma has been ill because she needs 'a summer to relax before starting university'.

My mum's health is already becoming a problem which is why I wanted to defer. She's lost just over a stone in weight since grandma got ill.

Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor and get some help. Get some numbers of carers and things.

Thank you so much everyone. Talking to you all has really helped. I feel like I may actually sleep tonight :) xx

Geoff (G. Robbins) (merda constat variat altitudo) (snibborg) | 9052 comments There's been a lot of advice here, Katy. I'm on the side of the do not defer argument. Your family will let you and your mum do all the work and then blame you when you wear yourselves down.

Your mum is the sort of person who will blame herself if you defer. That's not fair to either of you. It's time your relatives stepped up and took responsibility for your grandma's wellbeing. I don't mean helping with her care, but her future, in concert with you grandma. If you all make a decision make sure it's unanimous.

Lack of fluids allows bladder infections to come back. Broad spectrum antibiotics do not often get rid of bladder infections, your grandma needs a sample taking and treating the infection with a specific antibiotic for that infection.

Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Well, I'm gonna be blunt, too.

I'm shocked and appalled that the family has allowed you to shoulder so much of this that you're even considering deferring. That should NOT be an option. Nor should it be up to you to sort out your grandmother's care.
Sounds like your aunt has plenty of time to ring around. I'm sure she'd take on the task if it was thrust upon her.
I'm sorry your gramma is so poorly but you can't allow her to manipulate you. For her sake, as well as your's. Once she's herself again, she'll feel overwhelming guilt.
Be strong, Katy.
This is something that is affecting your whole family. It's not up to you to sort it out.
Get that essay written!

message 30: by Jim (new)

Jim | 21872 comments what Patti said

message 31: by Jud (new)

Jud (judibud) | 18537 comments I've just skimmed through everyone's replies Katy so sorry if I am repeating previous advice.

This sounds so hard Katy, your Gran sounds a bit like mine, nothing is ever good enough - she told my mum once that she wished I had never turned up for dinner on mother's day because she didn't like the coat I had on! Is it just since she was ill that she has been like this? She is possibly just feeling horrid and fed up and is taking it out on her family, her only outlet. I could sit and type a hundred excuses for the hurtful things she says but I know that it won't help. Have a big huge cuddle.

Do not defer your course, your mum wouldn't want you too and if your Gran was in her usual frame of mind I'm sure she wouldn't either. Please re read Patti's post because that is pretty much everything else I would now type.

You better be writing that essay.

Have some more hugs, as lovely as they are families can be a real pain in the bum.

message 32: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Patti and Jud.

I stepped up because my mum was pretty much at breaking point. It doesn't matter how much we ask my aunt for help, it doesn't make a difference. Before we knew it was septic arthritis, we were taking it in turns to stay at her house to help her, and my aunt did 1 night. Every time she's there she bursts into tears and says she can't deal with it.

Jud, she's always been like this, but never so bluntly before. She told my 16 year old brother that she's writing him out of the will because he wasn't staying at her house and doing work on the farm (as in machinery not animals)!

I'm going to start my essay now. Thanks, everyone :) I just didn't know who else to turn to. My mum would rather run herself into the ground then have me give up my course. She cried at my graduation because she was so proud and she's been to every interview with me

Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Frankly, I could slap your aunt.

message 34: by Jim (new)

Jim | 21872 comments If there's one lesson here it's never be the tough competent one. Carry smelling salts, be emotional and delicate.
Otherwise people dump the muck on you because you're the one who can shift it.

But seriously, you're right, get on with that essay and get on with the course.

message 35: by Kath (new)

Kath Middleton | 25061 comments Look at getting help for your mum's sake. What you are all doing isn't good enough for your gran so it might as well be carers that are getting the flak.
Big (((hugs)))

message 36: by Katy (last edited Aug 19, 2015 04:35AM) (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, everyone.

Mum has just phoned from grandma's appointment. Her hip isn't fractured! I wish someone would give us a straight answer!

They are trying to admit her back into hospital because she is very anaemic and they don't know why, but grandma is refusing. Grandma has had a blood test and they are waiting in A&E for a doctor to come and see them with the results.

Sorry, I'm completely taking over this thread

Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments It's your thread, Katy.

Why is your mum refusing? Sounds sensible for her to be in hospital at this point, if only to get exactly what's wrong sorted out. Usually you'd have to fight to get someone admitted.

message 38: by Katy (last edited Aug 19, 2015 04:37AM) (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Oops, typed that wrong! Grandma is refusing and mum is trying to persuade her into staying! Sorry

I typed it when I was on the phone to mum, and she said 'mum is refusing to stay in' so that's what I typed!

Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Ah.

Well, I hope your mum puts her foot down.

message 40: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments She's trying. She's even phoned my uncle and begged him to come and try to reason with her because grandma usually listens to him (he's 3 hours away).

The doctor phoned yesterday and said that the hospital will probably try to admit her because she's anaemic and grandma told the doctor that she'll walk out if they try. The doctor said she'll try and work with grandma if she co-operates too, so hopefully we'll get grandma sorted this time.

It's crazy. This will be her third time admitted in 10 weeks

Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Not an easy situation, at all.

I hope your gramma sees reason or she'll just get worse instead of better.

We went through much the same with my mil not all that long ago, so I can sympathise.

message 42: by Anna (last edited Aug 19, 2015 05:04AM) (new)

Anna Faversham (annafaversham) | 1700 comments Katy, this thread was created for you! Just when you needed it, along came Gingerlily!

From an outsider's point of view, it looks like your Grandma is very selfish, or she has the beginnings of a long term disease and is very frightened.

It is impossible for you to do all that she wants.

You are obviously a very caring person and with that in mind I think you need to think about your future. You need to be strong to keep going forwards towards creating a life for yourself in which you will be able to help others. You cannot help others when you are being drained of your strength and your prospects. You can help others (lots of others) if you keep going towards the goal that provides you with what you need to do that.

You can take an equal share in looking after your Grandma once you have extricated yourself from under her thumb and others (including professional carers) are taking the strain off you and your mother.

No guilt - hear that? No guilt. As an outsider I see it being loaded onto you when it shouldn't be.

Keep smiling, tell Grandma you'll visit her in hospital (twice a week, no more).

Yes, smile - there's a lot of us here supporting you.

message 43: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Anna and Patti :)

Hospital is definitely the best place for her. I hope she sees that soon. They're talking about doing another blood transfusion, which I know scares her because her sister had to have blood transfusions in the last stages of her life (we lost her to cancer in april)

Desley (Cat fosterer) (booktigger) | 11094 comments I suppose it is good news that her hip isn't fractured, but not so good if she is anaemic and won't be admitted to find out what is wrong and for them to treat it, as things might be completely different in that case.

message 45: by Anita (new)

Anita | 3758 comments Oh Katy, sweetheart what a lot you have on your shoulders right now. I send you a very BIG ((((((HUG)))))) and as has been said earlier we are always here to support and help where ever you need it.
It sounds to me like your Grandma needs much more help than you or your family can give her, none of you are qualified to do that. Your Mum should go and see her doctor and tell him that she can't cope and he should be able to put her in touch with the right people who can help your Grandma therefore help your Mum too.
You must NOT give up your course or even defer it for a year, this is your time Katy and it sounds to me that there is a lot of emotional blackmail going on here and you must not give into it. I'm sure your Grandma is not well and most likely very frightened but she has no right to stop you following your dream, I'm sure once she feels better that she will see things differently and be pleased that you carried on.
Don't waste all your hard work sweetheart, you go ahead and do your course and like Anna said, no guilt, no guilt at all because you have nothing at all to feel guilty about, it sounds like you have already done things above and beyond what could be expected of you.
What an awful time you are having right now, if you take all the love and good wishes from us all think how strong that make you, be strong and stay on that course and qualify to be a teacher, you can do it, Katy your really
can. X x x x

message 46: by Pat () (new)

Pat ()  | 29 comments Katy wrote: "I so need a bear like that! Thanks, GL :)

I'm just finding things really difficult at the moment.

My grandma has been poorly for the past two months (sepsis, septic arthritis and a broken hip). F..."

Oh Katy! and I thought I had it bad. So sorry to hear this. It is so hurtful to be doing your best and be told it not enough. Do please get some help before you or your mum get ill. It does take a big toll on you both. Sending love and hugs to you all.

Geoff (G. Robbins) (merda constat variat altitudo) (snibborg) | 9052 comments And a big hug to you, Pat. There are more than enough to go round.

message 48: by Kath (new)

Kath Middleton | 25061 comments Yep - I agree Geoff - I think Pat comes into the hug category too, just at the moment.

message 49: by Katy (new)

Katy | 3414 comments Thanks, Anita :)

Pat, no body has it worse than anyone else! Everyone is affected by the stuff they are going through. Get over here and join in the group cuddle! :) I'm so sorry to hear about all the stuff that you're going through *hugs*

Kay (Golden Girl) | 2286 comments Big hugs being sent to Pat and Katy .
Katy I agree with all thats being said here , you must not defer doing your course and hope your Grandma gets the proper treatment and agrees to go into hospital . Will say no more as its all been said on here.
Sending lots of love to you and your Mum xxxxx

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