MK & TCK Book Club discussion
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Third Culture Kids
The "Third Culture Kids" Book
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Chapter 12: Unresolved Grief
Our authors point out that not all TCKs deal with unresolved grief and loss, as some "managed to deal with them in basically positive ways through life". Yet there is a second group who seem to notice and begin to deal with unresolved grief as they get older. This chapter is written with this second group in mind.Unresolved grief might express itself in one of these various forms: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/depression, withdrawal, rebellion, vicarious grief and delayed grief. These were the reactions discussed in this chapter.
1. Did you find yourself reacting in one of these ways later on in life? Which one? If not, how did you react? Why do you think you reacted this particular way?
2. What helped you to ultimately get in touch with your grief?
I have always tried to remain calm as the British would have it... but I get disturbed about how ignorant Americans are - who have never left our wonderful shores for places else where - and how they react to world events, people, situations. It is one thing to simply throw up your hands when your [best] American friend has no real idea where Nepal is located... Americans are geographically inept, but it is a completely different environment when people react with stupidity and malice towards folks they have no earthly idea about. So I have found myself defending - sometimes being in the minority - folks and situations happening in other countries to my American friends here in the USA. I do get angry - internally - at lots of American reactions... not because they are not heartfelt, but because they are borne out of ignorance.
Peter wrote: "I have always tried to remain calm as the British would have it... but I get disturbed about how ignorant Americans are - who have never left our wonderful shores for places else where - and how th..."I think you said it so well what so many of us experience! I continue to be amazed at the questions or statements some of my best friends make about other parts of the world they have never seen or even know where they are located on the map. Maybe you can write a book titled, "You know you are not a TCK if you ask or say....". Thanks for your response.
As a TCK, I never knew that I was dealing with grief and loss until I was reading Third Culture Kids and I came to the question on p 252: "Did you properly say good-bye to a country you loved dearly?" It hit me like a ton of bricks and there was an overwhelming sense of grief. I am still very much grieving the country I grew up in, but also for those places, my childhood "homes" that I can never go back to. Now in my 50s, in retrospect, I think I went through some grief, as the book mentioned, in my early 20s, but it went into "remission" for a while as I transitioned into marriage and raising children. As empty nest is approaching, it seems that grief is once again emerging in me and is more intense than in my 20s. Why is that?
Gail wrote: "As a TCK, I never knew that I was dealing with grief and loss until I was reading Third Culture Kids and I came to the question on p 252: "Did you properly say good-bye to a country you loved dear..."Could it be that you are facing saying goodbye to those you love very much, once again? Even though they are your kids and you know you will see them again, your body remembers all of those goodbyes where you did not see them again, and it is getting ready to grieve again. As you move into another developmental stage for your family, you are dealing with another wave of grief. Only this time, call it what it is and talk about it with those you love, and move through it in a healthy manner of letting yourself feel the pain rather then ignore or trying to run from them. I know other TCKs who have experienced their feelings of grief all over again at various stages of life.
Thank you. You are right, new grief, can open the flood gates to older grief which has not be dealt with. It's dealing with past unresolved grief that is the bigger challenge. I would love to hear from others about how they have walked through this and worked through it well.
I agree that things can be buried only to resurface with the next onslaught of grief and loss, even if it's a completely different situation. (same with going through traumatic situations - which is why debriefing is so important; being stoic may make you feel like you sailed thru' it, no problem, but then you're caught off-guard by how strongly something else affects you later on down the road.) The thing about making time to grieve and talk about it and process it, etc, is sometimes a luxury that life doesn't give us. We don't always have months to prepare ahead of time for goodbyes and loss, and usually there's no easy way to "get off the merry-go-round" after the fact and take the time to grieve. Most of us have learned to keep going, keep functioning, keep trusting, even with the tears in our eyes, and it just doesn't seem practical or logical to call life to a halt while we take some "me time." You know what I mean?
This whole realm of "unresolved grief" is very much still a part of my life, and I just turned 50. I am still in the transient, TCK lifestyle, and "life goes on." I don't have any grand solutions for how to fit the grieving process into a busy life, but I know that I do acknowledge honestly what I'm feeling. I recognize it for what it is. I do let myself cry. But mostly I think I still just bury most of it to deal with later, at some longed-for place where I can finally take the time to do so.
I have not read the chapter yet, so I will do that now and then maybe I'll have some more to add regarding the questions that Lois posed.
Hi, I'm new to the group and I have read the book. I had to put it down and have a good cry several times before I was able to finish it. Just knowing there are other people who deal with similar things was a real comfort. I am 34 and was born in the United States but grew up in Mexico and then in Asia, in Mongolia where I currently live with my husband and 4 kids. My TCK issues run deep and are an every day thing. I grew up separated from my two oldest siblings and I grieve the childhood I never had with them. At the same time I know my life was enriched by the TCK experience. As I watch my kids interact with one another I can't help but wish I could get those years back with my family.
I am also new to the group and am an older TCK (55). I'm definitely in the second group, having had great struggles with unresolved grief. In my personal experience there was no talk about TCKs or anything like that when I moved back to the States from Brasil at the age of 12, so I struggled and processed as best I could. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that a friend introduced me to the book and the whole idea of being a TCK and for me, healing finally began. It felt incredible to find an explanation for the years of depression, constant underlying grief, confusion- I'm sure many of you can relate. And actually, facebook has been a huge help to me, giving me back friendships I thought were lost forever.I probably haven't completely worked through all my grief but the relief from finding some answers was so satisfying that I think I called it good enough and stopped for the time being. I'm so glad I ran into this book club- it'll be a great excuse to get my book out again and reread it.
to add a small story to the discussion on how new griefs can trigger old ones...This happened yesterday when, after taking several days vacation with my kids and grandkids while my sister Alice, cared for my 96 year old mom who usually lives with me, I met my sister by an interstate in Michigan to pick up mom at a halfway point between my sister's house and where we had been. AFter mom got in my car, she started to sob. Alice said, "What's the matter mom?" Mom looked up, thought a moment, and said, "OH, I guess I"m not going to Africa this time." And Alice assured our sometimes slightly confused mom that this time she would be a few hours drive away but no Ocean in between again with an expected four years apart before being reunited. At that point, mom said "Oh, guess you're right," stopped crying and was ready to go. But in that original moment of the goodbye, obviously old feelings she tried hard to hide from us when they happened were there.
I jumped into the discussions a couple of chapters ago (rootless and restless). As I read through the comments for this chapter I find I have a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes.I returned with my family from Latin America when I was 9 years old. I am in My 50's now and I realized some time ago through counseling that grief will not ever be "fixed", it is eventually managed.
I know now that I will always have moments of feeling strongly the losses I felt when we left (what I knew then as) home.
My friend, a young girl my age at the time, was killed in a car accident in front of where we had lived a short while after we left Latin America. My parents waited until after Christmas to tell us kids. I can't even describe how I felt at the time but the feeling was that I couldn't "wrap my head" around the information that she was gone.
As an adult I read the Third Culture Kid book and found myself described there. I know I couldn't come up with the description of how I felt coming into the US when I was just nine but later (after reading the book) I knew what the word was that said how I felt, LOST-I felt lost. I felt lost for a long time. Sometimes I still feel lost.
A few years ago I went through a divorce after a long marriage. Being married and raising children grounded me for many years but I am back to feeling lost in the world again now that my kids are on their own and I do life alone again.
Grief feelings come and go: The first time I went back to Latin America while I was in college (on a short term mission) I sobbed the entire way back to US. Very unexpected and surprising at the time.
I went through another bout of grief when attending my daughter's graduation ceremony from bible college in Ecuador. The professors had a session on "re-entry" which I attended. They where, of course, speaking to me as well. Fortunately I had great friends with me to help me process.
So, I know grief will return off and on. I've decided I am who I am and I wouldn't change the incredible gift my parents gave us kids by having brought us up among worlds
I appreciate the discussions and knowing I am not alone in this world of TCK's and ATCK's. I will continue to seek understanding for some of the feelings and delayed reactions I have even now years later.
Under Hidden Losses in the chapter on Unresolved Grief, it talks about Loss of their World. That is one I don't think I've ever really faced to process through from the first genuinely felt "loss of my world" when I transitioned to the U.S. from Indonesia after finishing high school to the most recent "loss of my world" when our life and ministry on a small island in PNG unexpectedly came to an end after 14 years, and even our house was being torn down around us the last few days we were there. There have been other such losses of "my world" as well, even the "loss of my Stateside world" after having made some meaningful connections with people and a lot of good memories in some place during a furlough year. But the biggest two were the loss of my childhood home and the loss of the home where I raised my children all through their school-age years. To this day, it's those two places that I have the hardest time going back to in my mind. I still avoid looking at pictures for the most part. I just can't "go there." And the ironic part about it is how guilty it makes me feel, because I LOVED those places and I LOVED those people. If ever I put down roots (emotional roots), it was there. I truly thought of those places as HOME. We always went back to the same house in the same village after furlough. Those are the only 2 places on earth that I genuinely claimed as home. And yet, I always knew it wasn't going to be home forever. Tut that became an area of denial, perhaps. So, I'm trying to think, in light of these two "losses of my world" that I know reside in the category of "unresolved grief," in what ways do I express that grief?
Denial? Not sure. If so, then I think one of the keys to that denial is what my conscious recollection of events allows me to remember and/or forget. So perhaps the denial of some things resurfaces in ways I don't recognize yet. I know that I do tend to block out stressful situations. I have the least memories of places where I know I felt a lot of stress. Also, I find myself reluctant to go back to certain places (like to revisit some of the places we lived for a shorter period of time during our years in PNG). I just don't want to go. I think it may be a form of denial, not wanting to acknowledge the pain or discomfort I felt leaving that life to begin a new life somewhere else. Or a reluctance to face again something that might trigger memories of the stress I felt in certain situations.
Depression - yes. It's easy to feel a pull into depression. I try to recognize it for what it is and not allow it to control my life. But it's there lurking in the shadow, because I internalize things so much.
Vicarious grief ... I think so. This past Sunday a visiting missionary shared a prayer request regarding their family as they have just returned to the U.S. so that their daughter can begin college, and they will be returning to the field without her. I was in tears before he'd even finished his first sentence. A week or so ago I saw a picture friends posted on FB of their family, minus the oldest child, in an airport on the way back to their field of service, and I cried. Beginning from my eldest child's senior year of highschool (2009) to this day, I find myself grieving for every other parent who is facing leaving their young adult child behind in their home country. I don't know if this is the same thing as "vicarious grief," but it seems like it.
We are Stateside at the present to help support our daughter with health issues. She's 23 and just got engaged. My son is 21 and lives in another State. So, even though I've already done the "empty nest" thing, having our daughter live with us again this past year as she was getting treatment for chronic Lyme Disease feels like it has "undone" the grieving and adjustment that I went through with her leaving home several years ago. And now that she's engaged and planning to get married in a few months, I've started having the same nightmares that I had back during her last year of highschool as I anticipating her leaving home and being separated a world apart as she stayed Stateside and we returned to the field. I had the same dreams the months leading up to saying goodbye to our son. In my dreams, they are still young children again, vulnerable and in some threatening situation where they are either out of reach of my help or I am simply helpless to help them. Last night's dream was my daughter suddenly succumbed to some terrible disease and was dying and we were in a village location and there was nothing I could do but watch her die. :( I know that the reason I dream this way is because they are leaving my care and it scares me that they'll be so far away from me.
Not sure how that all fits in, but surely it has something to do with either recurrent loss or unresolved grief.
I am one of the "lucky ones". When I was in Africa and had to say goodbye to staff of students basicly every term, someone I trusted a lot told me: You ll be tempted to just slip away, but at least shake their hand. The better you say goodbye, the easier life will be.
And being the obedient girl that I was I did just that. It was probably the best advise anyone has given me.
This was all pre-email, not much known about TCKs then, but "accidently" I learnt to do the right thing.
And maybe instinctively following that lead I also said goodbye to things and places. Some people thought me strange to walk to those beautiful flowers that I had loved so much and touch them one last time. See me sitting in my classroom alone, looking around, drinking in the way it looked etc.
I am glad I did those things. Still it hurts sometimes when I miss that place, those people. But at least I have the pictures in my head, the feel on my fingers, the sounds in my heart. That has helped me a lot.
I didn't grow up overseas, but moved to Zambia with my (Dutch) husband to do agricultural work. We lived in a remote village (10 hour canoe ride from nearest neighbors) for six years. Moved to England, Indonesia, the Netherlands. After a decade abroad, back to the U.S. I had years of grief, loss, and misunderstandings. Reading helped. My real healing began, however, with writing and journaling. It took the thoughts out of my mind and put them on paper. Today, I teach journal writing to female inmates. Grief is grief. Writing helps.
Since I'm not a TCK, I haven't experienced the loss of world that many of you are talking about. Yet, I am struck by the tension and paradox that many of you live with every day. You write about resurging grief, yet you finish with a statement that you would never trade the richness of the global life that you've lived. The tension and paradox is a tight-rope. If I acknowledge the pain and losses, am I denigrating the good parts of my life? If I celebrate the good things, am I in denial about the pain and loss?
I have often wondered if a person's parents' parenting style was the biggest factor that determined whether a person was in the first group that was able to deal with grief along the way, or in the 2nd group who starts to deal with it in their 30's. Some parents are rejecting of negative emotions, while others are accepting of negative emotions and actually coach the child in how to deal with them. My Mom was the former and my Dad the latter - and I thank God every day for my Dad who taught me how to embrace and manage my emotions.
I read the book in my 40's and was just so happy to have found my tribe there was no room for grief. I didn't really understand why everybody was talking about grief. I had a wonderful life and many lifelong friends. Sure there were some bumps in the road when I moved to the U.S. And I never felt at home there but I was living overseas at the time so I wasn't dealing with that. Then in my 50's I decided to write my memoir. As I wrote, I started to cry. I cried through the whole thing. I was surprised. All those memories that were coming to the surface. It wasn't all about grief. Sometimes I cried when thinking about the kindness of people, the poverty, the struggles of other people's lives, and sometimes I cried with joy remembering a happy event, and sometimes I cried because of a loss or lost opportunity.
Once I had finished it I felt refreshed and relieved. I felt like it was a process I needed to go through and I was glad I did it.
I still don't feel like I fit in here and often have trouble relating to people but I don't get angry, I have learned to just let it go. I know a lot more about myself now.
Cindy wrote: "Since I'm not a TCK, I haven't experienced the loss of world that many of you are talking about. Yet, I am struck by the tension and paradox that many of you live with every day. You write about ..."You are right, it is a paradox. But I think it is similar to many other good things in life. For example, children. When your children grow up and leave the home, and you grieve, you would not look back and say: I wish I had never had children. Having a child is a rich blessing, as well as a potential source of pain and difficulties. I look at being raised in multiple cultures the same way. It is a mix of joy and grief, a rich life and a life of pain. Growing up in another culture, transitions, change, grief is all part of who I am... and no, I can't imagine a different life, pain and all.
Deanne wrote: "I agree that things can be buried only to resurface with the next onslaught of grief and loss, even if it's a completely different situation. (same with going through traumatic situations - which i..."Thank you Deanne for these good thoughts.
Melanie wrote: "Hi, I'm new to the group and I have read the book. I had to put it down and have a good cry several times before I was able to finish it. Just knowing there are other people who deal with similar..."Melanie, as you said, just knowing others are dealing with a similar feeling is so comforting. It is sad that you were unable to share with your older siblings. What a loss for you and for them.
What a good discussion. I started to comment on each person's post but I can't seem to get to appear under that person's comments like it did when I first commented. So, let me summarize some of the excellent points I have gleaned from the discussion. - Grief and losses are as varied as persons and life experiences. These are really heart touching and bring a tear to my eye as I read about your experiences.
- There is comfort in knowing you are not the only one who has ever felt that way.
- Going back to visit your "heart" country or doing a "do over" i.e. returning to your home country again and or leaving your family, can trigger many tears and emotions.
- Grief comes and goes, depending on what is going on in our lives at that time and the life events or life stages we are experiencing.
- Journaling, talking, reading and finding others with the same experiences are all things that have helped in walking through the grief.
I look forward to hearing from some other readers. Great discussion!
Delayed grief...I left Kenya just turning 12 and resisted it because we were supposed to have stayed longer but didn't. To paraphrase and agree with a quote from the movie, "Stand By Me", 'You never have friends again like the friends you have when you are 12.' My experience was like that and I mourned the loss of those friends and that life but I didn't really grieve. After all, we were going to see grandparents and cousins and maybe the dog we had left behind, eat American candy again, etc. At fifteen we lost our grandpa and though I helped carry his coffin, I don't remember crying. A year later our new dog was hit by a car and killed. I was totally wrecked. Mainly I remember sobbing until I thought i would throw up and until there was just nothing left inside. Writing about it later I processed how odd it was that those other events had not hit me in the same way but that the loss of our dog seemed to bring all of it crashing out at once. There are a lot more women posting here than men, I'm wondering if any other guys had similar experiences.
Michael wrote: "Delayed grief...I left Kenya just turning 12 and resisted it because we were supposed to have stayed longer but didn't. To paraphrase and agree with a quote from the movie, "Stand By Me", 'You nev..."Michael, you describe so vividly what happens when that well of grief is finally tapped. It touched my heart to just read your story! You do bring up a good question, "Do men have similar experiences"?
I have heard the statement, "Depression among TCKs is a result of unresolved grief". How would you respond to this statement? Agree or disagree? Feel free to share an example.
Cindy wrote: "Since I'm not a TCK, I haven't experienced the loss of world that many of you are talking about. Yet, I am struck by the tension and paradox that many of you live with every day. You write about ..."Most non-TCK kids never had to go through significant losses as a child. I think the reason why losses are much more painful for us TCK's (even as adults) is that they trigger the raw pain of childhood, where we didn't know how to deal with the grief.
But like every other TCK I've ever met, I would not trade my experiences for the world because they have made me who I am. The superficiality of most Americans is so irritating to me--I could never trade a more shallow life for the depth of experiences (including the suffering) that I have lived through.
Lois wrote: "Michael wrote: "Delayed grief...I left Kenya just turning 12 and resisted it because we were supposed to have stayed longer but didn't. To paraphrase and agree with a quote from the movie, "Stand B..."Thanks Lois. As a man, I know that we don't always like to talk about our loss/grief experiences like that, however, I have found that permission to grieve, in whatever way it comes to us, can be powerful in coming to terms with those losses and enables us to move forward in a healthy way. My $.02.
I find that I don't know what my triggers are related to unresolved grief until it's too late. Last year some good friends of mine moved away to a state more than a few hours' drive away. I was devastated, so so sad. I realized that in the 10 years since I've been back in my passport country I have never had anyone leave me. I have always been the one to leave, moving with my family, then moving away from my family, moving across the country... This was the first time that someone was moving away from me and I was the one staying. It's taken several months to deal with those thoughts.
Ruth wrote: "to add a small story to the discussion on how new griefs can trigger old ones...This happened yesterday when, after taking several days vacation with my kids and grandkids while my sister Alice, ca..."This made me so sad, Ruth. When I think that when I knew your parents and sisters in Jos, they were already grieving the separation with you, and I had no idea. I also continually grieve the separation from my children that my life as a missionary made necessary. There has to be a better way.
Susan wrote: "Most non-TCK kids never had to go through significant losses as a child. I think the reason why losses are much more painful for us TCK's (even as adults) is that they trigger the raw pain of childhood, where we didn't know how to deal with the grief."YES!!!
Thank you for this book group. I haven't read through the book for several years now, but I do dip into it on occasion and it has been such a help.
Suzi wrote: "Susan wrote: "Most non-TCK kids never had to go through significant losses as a child. I think the reason why losses are much more painful for us TCK's (even as adults) is that they trigger the raw..."Susan, thanks for reminding us that many non-TCKs do not have to go through such significant losses as a child. And the fact that it kept happening over and over again on so many levels, no wonder it gets easily triggered as an adult. I still cry so easily if I have to leave (or they leave me) a close friend. All of that grief comes flooding back. I love reunions of TCKs, yet I hate them as I know that familiar old scab will be ripped off one more time. But like Cindy said, I would not want the life of the non-TCK, I loved my life as a TCK.
I am new to this group, although I commented for the first time a few days ago on this chapter. I am enjoying this discussion. I don't often talk with other TCKs. I was noticing that there are quite a number of older ATKCs who commented here. Lois, do you know of any retreats, seminars or conferences for ATKCs? Secondly, I always thought as an older TKC, I would enjoy hosting a support group for TKCs in my home. I live in a large college town that I'm sure has a lot of TCKs. Do you know of any materials that are written for TCK support group that could be helpful if I wanted to start a group like this?
Gail wrote: "I am new to this group, although I commented for the first time a few days ago on this chapter. I am enjoying this discussion. I don't often talk with other TCKs. I was noticing that there are q..."Gail, a number of years ago David Pollock held a conference every two years for adult TCKs (World Reunion), but since he died I am not aware of any conferences of this type. There have been some held by various missionary agencies for their own ATCKs, but I do not know of any cross sector conferences. Global Nomads also had a great conference just for ATCKs, but since it's founder, Norma McCaig, died it also did not happen. It was a big loss when David and Norma died so young.
The conference that is does attract a number of ATCKs is the conference held by Families in Global Transition (FIGT.org) each year. You might want to check them out. Their next two conferences will be held in the Netherlands. It was at FIGT where I was able to heal and launch into the field of helping other ATCKs.
As to your second question, I do know that there are/have been support groups for ATCKs in various larger cities and college campuses. As I have talked with some of their leadership, they each design their own activities. They might discuss a book regarding TCKs, have a special speaker, or have an open discussion on a topic. Some have a very formal program and others are very informal with an opportunity to get together and share around international food and with each other.
Can any of the rest of you answer Gail's question more fully? It is a huge need out there and I would encourage you to do it. Often it creates a place to connect for ATCKs who are adjusting to university. And if it includes post college ATCKs, it is a safe place to explore the many feelings experienced over the years of childhood. It is also an opportunity for the older ATCKs to mentor the younger TCKs. Check out Sea Change Mentoring as they have a fine program on mentoring TCKs.
maybe at the next FIGT we could have a session particularly geared for/with/by ATCKS?Lewis and Clark have a TCK/Global Nomad group as does Taylor University and many other places I know...but likelhy many I don't know about too..
Mod
Ruth wrote: "maybe at the next FIGT we could have a session particularly geared for/with/by ATCKS?Lewis and Clark have a TCK/Global Nomad group as does Taylor University and many other places I know...but lik..."
Ruth,
Having sessions geared for/with/by ATCKs sounds like a great idea! I have not been to a FIGT but would be interested if there were such sessions, especially geared towards ATCKs.
Do you know how I can find out if there are any TCK/global Nomad groups at Indiana University in Bloomington? (our home town)
Hmmm..don't know about Bloomington but I live in Indy...i do know other ATCKs who live in Bloomington as well as Indy...hmmm.. need to check..seems I recently heard of a group forming up here..maybe it could be regional...i'll try to find where that info might be.
Thanks, Ruth and Lois, for all your helpful information and suggestions.
I have had fun discussing unresolved grief with you. Now, let's end our discussion of this topic on a positive note with these two final questions.-If you did not experience unresolved grief at a later age, what did you do along the way in order to deal with grief in a positive way along your journey?
-What word of advice would you give to a young expatriate family to help them navigate the world of many losses with their young TCKs?
Lois wrote: "I have heard the statement, "Depression among TCKs is a result of unresolved grief". How would you respond to this statement? Agree or disagree? Feel free to share an example."Lois, I need to respond to this one as a mental health nurse who has also counseled a lot of MK's out of my own experience. That belief seems to me to be a good way for a TCK to get STUCK in depression.
Being a TCK is certainly one big risk factor for depression. Yet it's only one. TCK's who come to that experience may already have a list of risk factors, including predisposing emotional problems that put them at even greater risk for depression when TCK gets mixed in.
Not everything that happens to a TCK as an adult is necessarily a direct result of being a TCK. However, it's easy (and possibly short-sighted) for those of us who have had a very mobile childhood to blame everything problematic on that--depression included.
Same goes for cancer survivors. Many are always looking for something to blame the cancer on, especially something they are convinced they did to cause the disease. Most scientists will be quick to say there's seldom a single cause. Finding something to blame, of course, doesn't cure the disease. There's a strong parallel here with depression.
There may be biological factors contributing to the depression. Plus, some of the kids of TCK families would be depressed because of family dynamics, even if they'd never moved anywhere in their lives. Yet it's so interesting to see the different coping styles that may act as protective factors for some, even in the most dysfunctional of situations. This group has already given lots of evidence on this.
While I'm not sure how many would listen, I would caution any parents of TCK's to listen to their gut more than their institutional advisors--most of whom do a great sales pitch, minimizing problems and perpetuating myths about the resiliency of children under stress. Before going abroad, parents need to know where they can find mental health services as much as hospitals and clinic to take care of physical needs. Just be sure that your sending organization has this high on their priority list before you sign on for duty in the first place.
Dee wrote: "Lois wrote: "I have heard the statement, "Depression among TCKs is a result of unresolved grief". How would you respond to this statement? Agree or disagree? Feel free to share an example."Lois, ..."
Dee, this is an excellent reminder to also check out all aspects of the depression rather then automatically dumping it into the TCK category. In my book written for therapists, I tried to stress this point. We can go to the extreme in either direction, ignore TCK issues or only see their TCK issues behind every issue. Thank you for reminding us to be careful in our assessment of TCKs.
What word of advice would you give to a young expatriate family to help them navigate the world of many losses with their young TCKs?Acknowledge that the losses exist! Don't brush them away as insignificant, if to the child they are significant. Perhaps establishing rituals when they say goodbye, or helping them to hold on to what they have left somehow, whether a special collection of items, or a scrapbook: something tangible that a child or adolescent can keep with them that represents or reminds them of what was lost that they never have to lose.
Bethany wrote: "What word of advice would you give to a young expatriate family to help them navigate the world of many losses with their young TCKs?Acknowledge that the losses exist! Don't brush them away as i..."
Thank you, Bethany, for sharing these good ideas on how to help children walk through transition. I love rituals or a special collection of items which remind children of their home in another land.
Thank you for this discussion - I'm still coming to terms with the whole TCK concept, having only recently come across the term TCK a few weeks ago at age 42. I grew up in Belgium, and had a horrible time with the adjustment to New York City at age 9. It didn't help that my parents repeatedly told me to get over it, that I should be grateful and happy to be "home," and that I had to accept that America was the best country in the world - but also thought it was funny to call me "the Belgian in the family." I've dealt with depression my whole life - and fully understand that both genetics and family dynamics may have been as significant as the TCK experience in contributing to it - but I'm deeply frustrated in retrospect that friends, family and therapists over the years have simply said, "Lots of people move overseas and are fine with it, so it's not about that." As a result, I'm amazed to find people talking about feeling a sense of relief at learning of the term TCK - my strongest response is deep grief and frustration. If I'd understood 20 years ago as I do now how central the TCK experience was to my identity, I would have made a million different choices in my life, not least of them making international movement and global connection a central part of my life, instead of spending years trying to push that desire away and "get over it." As it is, I'm having an enormous amount of trouble coming to terms with the choices I've made to try to settle in the US and "get over it," and I'm honestly lost as to how to move forward.
Geoff wrote: "Thank you for this discussion - I'm still coming to terms with the whole TCK concept, having only recently come across the term TCK a few weeks ago at age 42. I grew up in Belgium, and had a horrib..."Geoff, I am so sorry to hear about your continual struggle to conquer the depression which began years ago. Can I suggest you look on the website International Therapist Directory and see if you can find a therapist who understands TCKs in your area. A therapist who understands TCKs will be able to help you walk through the unresolved grief you are currently experiencing and will be able to explore what is as a result of your past experiences, adjustment to a new culture and if any part is biological depression. If you can't find someone on that website near you, seek out a counselor who understands grief and loss and is willing to learn about your world. Thank you for sharing your feelings with the group. I know there are many in this book discussion who can relate to what you share. Learning about the world of the TCK and reading this book is a wonderful start in resolving the years of grief. I applaud you in your desire to find direction and move forward. There are many, wonderfully trained counselors who can help you in doing so.
Mod
If I could add one idea to Lois' excellent advice, it would be to connect with other TCKs if you can. Depending on what TCK community you grew up in (military, diplomat, faith/missions...), we can recommend groups on social media where you might feel at home. You can also look into TCKid.com , an online community of TCKs of all ages, with local chapters as well.
And of course, please join us for the rest of our book club if you can. :)
mkPLANET wrote: "Lois, you said it much better than I could have! Geoff, here's the link for the therapist directory Lois mentioned: http://internationaltherapistdirector...
. Thank you for sharing your story..."
Wonderful suggestions!
i know im a bit late to this chapter but i would like to share. i definately fall in the latter category ... of ongoing unresolved grief. but im not sure that the grief was ever hidden or went into remission. i totally identify with so much of what has been posted here. i returned to the uk at five. i started getting symptoms of anxiety and distress before we even landed in the uk (we travelled back by boat), according to my mother i cried for two years and was taken to the doctors who diagnosed "nerves" .. it was 1968 ... and tbh it has been one thing or another since then. i identify with others stories of being told to "pull my socks up" not make such a fuss, that everyone missed malaysia i was no different etc etc. i identify with all the emotions and reactions listed - rage, despair, sadness/depression, anxiety and anxiety disorders and blind fear.
i actually spent half my life thinking it wasnt all about the move and half thinking it was. as i did more and more work on myself trying many things to find peace i eventually decided it was about malaysia and i started planning a trip back for this year. it was as i started planning and researching that i discovered the whole tck universe. words cannot describe the relief i felt. i consumed the literature. i identify so much with what others share in these pages and elsewhere. as i type this im on my second trip back to malaysia where i am trying to age my relationship with the country.
since my first trip i have been doing some "lifestory work" with a tck named rachel cason who is helping me come to terms with my tck past. ive journeyed so far in such a short period of time, i feel such gratitude to you all. gill
Gill wrote: "i know im a bit late to this chapter but i would like to share. i definately fall in the latter category ... of ongoing unresolved grief. but im not sure that the grief was ever hidden or went into..."Gill, I love your story. It is so similar to many of us TCKs. You are right on target in how you are working through your grief and figuring out what happened to you and integrating it into your life today. Your journeys back to Malaysia are called "Journeys of Clarification". What a wonderful way to work through your grief and reconnect with your former life. Keep moving forward. I am glad that you found your tribe, the TCK community. Welcome home!
Hi Lois ... like TCK itself I like the fact there is a name for it. Can you say anymore about "Journeys of Clarification" ... any thoughts or advice? Gill
Lois Bushong, M.S. is a licensed counselor at and owner of Quiet Streams Counseling in Fishers, Indiana; adjunct professor at Indiana Wesleyan University in the Graduate Counseling Department; published author; and international speaker. She has a Masters of Arts in
Religion from the Anderson School of Theology; a Masters of Science in Community Counseling from Georgia State University; and is a graduate of Richmont Graduate University (formerly
Psychological Studies Institute) in Atlanta, Georgia.
Lois is a Third Culture Kid who grew up in Latin America. As a child, she had to learn the customs and culture of her parents' home culture like any foreigner who has come to live in the United States. After her parents repatriated to the United States, Lois returned to Latin America and worked with an international agency for ten years. Upon her return to the United States, she worked with an international agency before she returned to graduate school to be able to effectively counsel individuals, couples, and families. Lois’ clients include internationals, Third Culture Kids, multicultural couples, and those who have not traveled outside of the state.