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The "First Sentence Hook."
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Edward
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Jul 24, 2015 07:30AM
Good point. That would be showing, not telling.
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I think it's impossible not to have your character wake up a few times during the book! Unless your character never sleeps, in which case you run into being jerked awake without realizing they fell asleep, ha ha. Which makes for fun scenes where they think things are really happening that turn out to be nightmares. I just know in faster-paced fiction, you're supposed to start as close as you can to an action-scene, and waking up first thing doesn't *usually* work as well for this (not saying it can't be done). In slower-paced stuff, it might be easier to get away with. But as someone said earlier, just because it's done a lot doesn't mean there aren't new awesome ways to do it. It's just important to consider how them waking up first thing kicks off the story, plot-wise, and not just have the book start that way because your day starts that way. (Shrug)
Mod
Yes! Totally agree."
Ceiling Mirror. Problem solved!
Whatever you write can be written in ways that reveal more about the character. In "The Mourning After" we have a nine-year-old boy with such insistent and detailed past life memories of war and romance and death that, waking or sleeping, he can't separate one life/reality from another. And hence we have:“Hey, little soldier,” Mom’s soft nudging, like caresses, reached in and found me, dusting back dreams and gently coaxing me away from my friends. I dodged slowly in and out of the Realm of Eyes and Sorrows where they were still watching me with squandered expectations, but I was letting go of them, finding my way back into my bedroom.
“I feel like a nice cheesy omelet today, Tiger. How ’bout yourself?”
The bed was cool, fresh and inviting. The sheets had been straightened and petted neat all around me. I looked up at her and smiled; it wasn’t Mom’s face yet.
As the one she’d borrowed from my dreams distorted and faded, I tried to burrow back into my bedding.
“Come on, big fella,” she said. “We have ourselves a day to take on.”
An obnoxious clanging yanked me back harshly between worlds. Mom held still for a moment, inviting me silently, then turned and trotted down the hall for the phone.
I tried to crawl back in, but doors were closing too quickly.
Then Kelly jumped on my face.
It startled me but I took a while to react. I’d left part of me behind with my friends. In their world joy was fleeting, while heavy spirits lingered, solid, and dependable. But in this world, I had a puppy.
- As we move further into the story his nightmares grow more horrific and yet enticing until they ultimately tear him apart.
So yes - for this one story at least I needed some waking up scenes of one kind or another.
Christina wrote: "I'm pretty sure mirror gazing is okay as long as you aren't starting with: I look in the mirror at my 5'6" body of an average weight. My brassy blonde hair with two inches of root growth falls to m..."Ooh those annoy me to no end and I try to avoid that. (Ok I did it in SIGNET on purpose because I meant it to be pulpy and hella trope filled. It was lost on most people that I was writing SF satire...) There is mirror gazing in my novels sure but different info appears depending on character and the book.
In The Agency you get Erik's skin, hair, and eye color on the 4th page and vague mention of his build (a clearer though still vague mention of his build is mentioned 174 pages later). Vague mention of his height comes 41 pages into the book. Hell his blood type is mentioned on page 284. His actual height and weight don't appear until the second book 97 pages in..
Devil Hunter Isawa is 3rd omniscient objective so depending on situation elements are mentioned. (1st page you know his hair color, eye color is mentioned 100 pages later. Vague mention of his height 44 pages in. Mention of his frame and build appear after page 160. His actual vital stats don't appear until page 371 (or 21st page in second book). Weight is never mentioned. Lots of mirror gazing for Chaka only because he's slowly becoming corrupted by demonic possession and it is physically changing him.
At this rate I should be okay eh? Sprinkle info throughout right? As long as its not obvious....
Mod
*Giggle* That actually might work.
I hate when folks who haven't read the rest of the book start giving me advice on how I should write this or that scene.But since YOU don't seem to mind, here's another suggestion:
How 'bout he wakes up INSIDE the mirror and sees himself sleeping in bed?
K.P. wrote: "Ooh those annoy me to no end and I try to avoid that. (Ok I did it in SIGNET on purpose because I meant it to be pulpy and hella trope filled. It was lost on most people that I was writing SF satire."I did something similar once. It wasn't an in the mirror inventory of doll parts, but I mentioned the MC's looks early on to show that she was an average sort of pretty despite her own self esteem issues that mar the description. I figured it was YA, so self esteem issues, including 'I'm so ugly, gosh!' were a given. :)
Edward wrote: "I hate when folks who haven't read the rest of the book start giving me advice on how I should write this or that scene.But since YOU don't seem to mind, here's another suggestion:
How 'bout he w..."
Beat you to it! Wrote a story like that 18 years ago never published. But in this case the mirror was a portal to another dimension where characters were opposite of each other. The protagonist is threatened by his reflection that is jealous of his life and is willing to kill him for it. The reader isn't sure if the MC is actually crazy (or actually has another personality) and with the weird trips of drugs thrown into the mix it was a big mess. I eventually will clean it up but its not any time soon. (It was my first story that had folks definately questioning my sanity. Why would a question of the reality of self be that frightening? :/ meh) yeah I was a weird kid with an overactive imagination
@Christina : I guess that what turned me off from YA because that trope is done so much. The worst offenders I remember were Girl Talk and Teen Witch ( yeah showing my age :p ). In regards to SIGNET. In 33 chapters James wakes up total 18 times.
From exhaustion 9 times
From getting jiggy 2 times
From knockout 3 times
From power drain 2 times
And once from shock and a nightmare.
James also drinks a lot if caffeine though it mentions he has coffee 7 times and cola 3 times. During the 12 weeks the story covers James don't get much in the way of sleep since pure adrenaline keeps him up half the time.
Damn I need to start treating my characters better. Maybe they be less dickish
@CB ceiling mirror ... That is interesting
Mirror, mirror on the wall, describe me to the readers one and all. Yeah, I've done the mirror thing. It's just... it's so convenient! *whines* But like all tropes, even the cliches, it still has merit if you can make it... well... not a cliche (like the story you described, K.P. The idea sounds brilliant).
When describing someone's looks, if it's the POV character at the time I'll usually do it in bits and pieces and try to do it in a way that sums up as much about the character's looks as possible (she tossed back her iron-gray braid that came all the way down to her thick waist - that kind of thing). Describing the non-POV character is wonderful, since I can do the describing all at once through the POV character.
Thanks Melissa! I might go ahead and dust it off while waiting for my others to get back from editors. The working title was called "Mirror on the wall" but might call it something else....
Melissa wrote: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, describe me to the readers one and all..."What about a scene like this:
"My heart stopped beating for a moment when I saw that guy in the mirror pointing his gun in my direction. Then I realized that this ugly character was me..."
Heck, I just made it up, but it might give me an idea for a book!
Christina wrote: "Owen wrote: "So in comparison, we probably are a little gentle with her -- except for killing her, that is. ;-) "Dammit Owen! Spoilers!!!"
Yes, but what you don't know is what happened next... ;-)
Christina wrote: "I'm pretty sure mirror gazing is okay as long as you aren't starting with: I look in the mirror at my 5'6" body of an average weight. My brassy blonde hair with two inches of root growth falls to m..."
Really? But I was just getting interested! Is she (it is a 'she', right) gonna go for the purple tank top? (Not the Nikes though... gotta do better than that...)
Owen wrote: "Really? But I was just getting interested! Is she (it is a 'she', right) gonna go for the purple tank top? (Not the Nikes though... gotta do better than that...)"Well, given that aside from the short height and lack of spotty face, that was a spot on description of what I looked like in the summer between junior high and high school, so here's the most likely scenario of what happened next: She caught the bus downtown and went to the record store, agonizing over the fact that she didn't have enough money to get both the new Def Leppard album and the batteries she would need if she wanted to listen to it immediately on her walkman. Life was totally unfair.
;p
A few bits of advice I've had are to try to get a moment of transition, and to ask a question. McCaffrey's Dragonflight opens with "Lessa woke up cold." I've been told that's wrong, but the book got both the Hugo and the Nebula.Some of mine:
"Lieutenant Jane Gould pressed the button firmly and the stars began to go out. They faded first from the aft edge of the flight deck window, reddening and dwindling away as the field took hold." Run from the Stars
Cinnamon Jones looked the slave trader in the eye before lying to him. Imperatrix Galactica
If you are reading this I am almost certainly dead, bound and slaughtered like an animal. I shall have paid with my life for my crimes, and Josephine Abigail Greene is no more. The thirteenth commandment
Regina Catesby, having run out of options, pointed the nose of the shuttle at the exact centre of the interstellar liner's aft airlock and fired the main engines. Star Knight
Go in the boys' toilets at Church Road primary school, the downstairs ones, next to the art room, and count the cubicles. Are there five or six? And if there are six is the one at the left hand end, by the window, ever working? Or (when there are six) does it always have an "Out Of Order" sign taped on the door, and the lock nobbled so that you can't get in? Thomas Twine's Terrific Time-Travelling Toilet
All of these are supposed to produce the reaction, "What? I need to keep reading to find out what's going on."
I'm a firm believer in knowing the rules before you break them.
In my first two books, I tried to make sure I had a good opening sentence and paragraph. However, in my third book "The Second Shooter", I tried to build the suspense in the first chapter (which is only three pages long) and ended the chapter with the following sentence:He did not realize the sequence of events he had just started with a simple click of his mouse.
I'm hoping that entices the reader to keep going to find out what happens.
I think a good first sentence is important. Maybe not essential, but important. If the first paragraph bores me, I will put down the book (unless I've already paid for it, in which case I give it a couple pages).My first sentence is, "He hated them."
Mod
Ramon wrote: "Melissa wrote: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, describe me to the readers one and all..."What about a scene like this:
"My heart stopped beating for a moment when I saw that guy in the mirror point..."
His existential crisis just got real!
First sentence that hooks and a chance to do some physical descriptions - we need to invent an award of this kind of thing.
Melissa wrote: "First sentence that hooks and a chance to do some physical descriptions - we need to invent an award of this kind of thing. "Oh! This could be fun! Like the Bulworth Lytton contest!
They say gentlemen prefer blondes, but the gun pointed at my head told a different story.
From the skin that was almost as blue as the eyes Agent Jenkins raked over it, it was clear the body was dead.
Frank ran his hand over his stubbled chin and muttered a string of curses at the glowing red eyes that reflected in the grimey bathroom mirror.
Upon awakening, I made note of the way the sheet tented over my crotch and realized I was spending yet another day as Stan.
Something had gone horribly wrong at my birth, so my father would never have his little soldier, Mom would never have her home filled with tiny scampering joy, and we each clutched our guilt very privately.Some guarded their children when they saw me, as though congenital defects and loneliness were contagious, even at a distance and through glass.
It is so hard to think “was” about your mom.
Sunlight gauzed down through gold lace as nostalgia sifted gently in transient wisps of longing.
Grief is a closing that leads to an opening, right exactly when we really don’t want one.
It was a dense, moldering night, smelling of damp old basements and times best left unstirred.
Folks in my family don’t always stay dead.
I’d gone out into the world, intricately lacing distractions and busywork around the long-gnawing emptiness, only to find I’d merely embellished rather than hidden it.
We were all lost spirits, neighbors in need, afraid to knock, lingering just along the fuzzy edges of each other’s most intimate buried memories.
These are more than one line, and I think they would lose something if I tried to fuse them together:
You can’t seal up long-held anxieties, or squandered loves, in battered cardboard, with masking tape.
They will each find a way to seep through.
“I lived for the love, and then I lived for the pain, and they took even that away from me.”
Mod
Mod
“It’s not that I don’t believe in ghosts,” my friend Mike told me when we got an apartment together. “I do. I just don’t want anything to do with them. Don’t tell me about them. If you just keep them away from me, we’ll be fine.”
Edward wrote: "Something had gone horribly wrong at my birth, so my father would never have his little soldier, Mom would never have her home filled with tiny scampering joy, and we each clutched our guilt very p..."Perfect, Dwayne. I realize I never read genre fiction, but I hesitate commenting on these writers of such when they post excerpts wherein their hearts are racing, an idea hits them like a lightning bolt, focusing them in like a laser beam on ...
I hate cliches, but realize they may be acceptable, even welcome, in genre mysteries, romances, and such, so I just keep my mouth shut.
One I forgot: The thermometer only stopped rising when it smashed into the ceiling. I could see we were in for another bad gravity day.
"It was the morning of the twenty-fifth of December, twenty twenty-nine.White bedding, soft pillow, and still mattress were aglow with azure lambency. The double-pane windows and the wavy nature of the linen turned the blue beacon from its true course. Junhuan disabled the glare reduction system, his quiescent mind wanted to be able to witness the first light and immersed in the dewiness of the morning sky.
Bridled Tern and Spoon-billed Sandpiper twittered, trilled a heartfelt melody, flapped their wings into the frozen air, and flew to the north. On the opposite side of the lucid glass, a young boy opened his eyes and muttered with his hand resting at the side of his head, “Vent open.”
The small skylights near the ceiling slid open. Scentless breeze came rushing toward his cheeks, neck, and lower arms. He inhaled and looked outside the biological architecture. Pastoral fog had concealed the contour of the modern city. The agrestic simplicity around the pied-a-terre featured a high-rise garden adorned with rosemary and white carnation, primrose and plum blossom, ambrosia and arborvitae, jasmine and lily of the valley."
I think we are free to create any style regarding our first sentences. We are to make it possible for the readers to engage in the story.
"I had to learn from experience that death was only temporary."As a small boy, frail in body and spirit, I reached so far beyond the world of the living I didn’t bring all of me back."
-And one I read with the rest of its scene at a reading gig in England last night:
"Here I was with my first naked woman ever, not a stitch on her, she kept squirming closer, and I kept jabbing paint into her eyes."
"I was at my own funeral, staring into the empty grave, when Bridget Waters killed me for the third time." The trouble with Bridget Waters. I never finished this one, but it turned into an episode in one of the Jane novels.
Dwayne wrote: "But, seriously folks, speaking of opening paragraphs, does this work for anyone? It's the opening of a project I've been working on for a while that is getting close to being done:“It’s not that ..."
I like it! It makes me wonder if the narrator is ghost obsessed or is some kind of actual ghost magnet.
Dwayne wrote: "It's a dark and stormy night..."It was a dark and stormy ni...
--too cliche, uh, hmm--
It was a stark and dormy night...
--what the Hades does dormy mean?--
It was a stark night when...
--nah--
It was a stark knight who roamed the dormitory...
--bit pervy...Let's run with it and just call it erotica.
Mod
Isn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?
Mod
A little bit of both, actually.
Dwayne wrote: "R. wrote: "The trouble with Bridget Waters."Isn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?"
heh heh.
Dwayne wrote: "But, seriously folks, speaking of opening paragraphs, does this work for anyone? It's the opening of a project I've been working on for a while that is getting close to being done:“It’s not that ..."
Works for me.
Matt wrote: "Dwayne wrote: "R. wrote: "The trouble with Bridget Waters."Isn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?"
heh heh."
You have it in one. I'd listened to the BOTW album several times, and slowly it morphed into "The trouble with Bridget Waters". The same thing happened with "At the Zoo" and "Wednesday Morning, 3am" which gave me a poem:
Regent's Park, 3 a.m.
Have you wondered what they do,
At 3am, down at the zoo?
Do pandas pander to the chimps?
Or penguins gorge on rum-soaked shrimps?
Could alligators, and the crocs,
Sneak out and raid the shops for chocs?
Do adders, and those blind cave worms,
Play blackjack with the pachyderms?
While wildebeest and kangaroo,
Watch naughty films, eat popcorn too.
They might, because they know the joke,
Is us. They call us window folk.
For we queue up, and even pay-
We do it almost every day,
So we can crowd around the glass,
While they lie flat out on the grass.
(It goes on for lots of verses. I did win a competition with it once.)
Dwayne wrote: "But, seriously folks, speaking of opening paragraphs, does this work for anyone? It's the opening of a project I've been working on for a while that is getting close to being done:“It’s not that ..."
That's interesting.
How do I start a new topic thread? This whole "Great first line" thing has been done to death. As artists we are always seeking something new.How about "Great closing lines" (of chapters and books)?
How would I open a new thread for discussing that?
Mod
https://www.goodreads.com/topic/list_...
Go here and near the top right you'll see, in green, the words "new topic". Click that and it will allow you to start a new topic.
Micah wrote: "Now...for myself, I don't particularly subscribe to the religion of the first sentence hook. So many people make such a big deal out of it, yet I've noticed that a lot of books I've really liked ha..."I agree. A first sentence would have to be pretty bad to make me stop reading. I mean, several misspellings, wrong tense, what the hell is he talking about bad. By the same token, I can't honestly imagine a first sentence so wonderful that I HAVE to read this book. If I've bought the book, I'm usually committed for the first 100 pages or so.
Edward wrote: "Knowing as the world does, that the opening can be everything, why trust an author who can't even get that part right to get his act together further along?"Previous comment deleted due to quoted line. This is in no way constructive, supportive, or on topic. Please be mindful of negativity, which we do not allow.
Mod
Calling the works of Indie authors "melodramatic", "cheesy" and then claiming you know what is going through the author's mind is not helpful to anyone. Nor is listing off a lot of books you find better than the ones you are bashing - that are all traditionally published.
Support for Indie authors is not just the name of the group. It is the philosophy.
Andreas wrote: ""It was the morning of the twenty-fifth of December, twenty twenty-nine.White bedding, soft pillow, and still mattress were aglow with azure lambency. The double-pane windows and the wavy..."
Classic purple. Love it ^_^
Edward wrote: "Something had gone horribly wrong at my birth, so my father would never have his little soldier, Mom would never have her home filled with tiny scampering joy, and we each clutched our guilt very p..."
Ooh :3
Christina wrote: "Melissa wrote: "First sentence that hooks and a chance to do some physical descriptions - we need to invent an award of this kind of thing. "
Oh! This could be fun! Like the Bulworth Lytton contest..."
Dies laughing
I'm a fan of it to a degree. Some opening lines you can tell were written purely for the SAKE of being a "hook," and those go overboard, in my opinion. What I try to do is to write a line that intrigues curiosity, and pulls the reader to the second line. I think that's a good balance.
For example, the beginning line to my most recent ebook is: "Everyone who reads a comic book wants one of those powers."
Does that first line inspire enough curiosity to keep reading (if you were reading the ebook itself)? That's up to you to decide.
Mod
This is why I don't put a lot of power in just that first line. I try, and probably sometimes fail, to draw the reader along with every line.
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