Does reading Romance influence your perception of real-life relationships?

[Lyn]

I often read romance novels based on soul-mate bonds, etc. And it's so appealing - the fantasy of a sexy alpha male who only wants to pleasure/possess/conquer you (maybe boss you around sometimes too LOL).
Daydreaming is fun of course, but do you always manage to separate dreams from reality? Or do those dreams influence your perception, and maybe even mess things up with a real boyfriend/husband?

Or maybe it helps to keep the flames going strong? I mean after the Fifty Shades of Grey, sex shops had an increase in their sales, so it probably helped quite a few couples to spice it up.

[Emma]

Its fantasy, and you have to bear that in mind, but I do know some people that happily live that lifestyle, not me I hasten to add, but chatting to them does provide useful book inspiration.

If a couple have wildly differing expectations, then yes it would be a problem. but for the vast majority of people the sub/dom thing, if they indulge at all would be an occasional play type thing, not a lifestyle choice.

[Lilo]

This is an interesting question. However, you missed it's biggest impact romance books have for me.

I've been very busy the last year writing my first book and decided not to try to date. But occasionally, to fill that gap, I feel a great need to read some romance books. I did this mostly while my book was in the review process in my editors hands. I used romances when I needed a reminder of the softer side of relationships. I guess that many women use romance books for this. Perhaps they are in a relationship that doesn't completely fulfill them. Perhaps they are in no relationship at all.

Taking this a step further, I think that women could use Romance Books to an extreme, as a crutch, so they avoid having to go out and seek relationships. When it that okay? Like in my case where I am deciding to focus my life on my writing? I consider it a positive.

When is it not okay? When someone has a little social anxiety and doesn't want the stress of having to do the dating thing? Perhaps in that case it is a detriment.

Take that a step further. What if someone is so plagued with social anxiety that they will never go out and develop a relationship, even if romance books were not available. They are just crippled with it. Then in that case the Romance Books may fill a need that they could never fill otherwise.

So I think when they help you achieve a goal, or meet a need, without being a detriment, they are positive.

[Emma]

Oh I agree, reality is usually by definition, pretty boring most of the time.

I'm not so sure that having access to romances etc for someone that is painfully shy is detrimental. It might well help them see how others in their situation have got passed the problem.
Wanting to read about fantasy relationships doesn't mean your own life is lacking in any way, whether you have a partner, want one, or are happy being single. Personally I can't see any downside to reading, that is if you don't have a clinical mental condition. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't comment.

[Lilo]

Well, in certain cases it, like anything else (excessive video gaming for instance at the expense making health meals and cleaning your house and having real relationships) it can be a crutch. Reading itself isn't intrinsically detrimental, but how you use it might be.

At the same time I have to say that if you are a person who would have a tendency to use a crutch, if one option for that crutch wasn't available, you would likely just find another.

[Lyn]

Wonderful points :)
No, just because someone likes to read romance, it doesn't mean their life is boring, or lacking. Though I've heard people being judged by what they read. I've been judged myself. It's like if you are not reading War and Peace, you are probably some dumb blonde who doesn't have a man in her life.
Well, I'm a blonde LOL, hopefully not dumb and I do have a loving husband and two little boys :) But the thing is, I have friends who (also) like romance novels and they approach relationships with such an interesting vision of what it should be...
Too much expectation for a man to be perfect, and when he is not...

Just saying.

And crutches could both help and harm, depending on the situation.

[Kyra]

I'm actually kind of the opposite - I have definite ideas about how relationships should be in real life (fortunately, my marriage pretty much fits this ideal!) and I get impatient with romance novels that go too far astray from those ideas. Especially, I have no tolerance for relationships in romance novels that involve any resemblance of abuse. Unfortunately, abuse seems to be common in romances featuring the dominating alpha-male type of hero.

I like my romance heroes manly, of course, but I also prefer heroes with more subtlety and nuance to them. Two of my all-time favorite romances are Deception by Amanda Quick and Flowers From the Storm by Laura Kinsale. The heroes in these books are unarguably masculine, but the hero of Deception is really very mild-mannered, and the hero of Flowers from the Storm is partially disabled from a stroke/brain aneurysm and very dependent on the heroine (his nurse). They both have their moments of being jerks - all guys do, they're only human - but the jerkishness isn't presented as being part of what's desirable about them; it's their good qualities that the heroines are attracted to.

So I guess I'm a little concerned that in some strains of romance, abusive, jerkwad men are being presented as desirable, and some women who aren't as sure of what they want as I am might be influenced to think that sort of thing is ok in a relationship when it totally is not.

(shameless blog promotion: I actually did a four-part blog series on heroes in romance; the Billionaires, Bad Boys, and Bondage series, which has probably gotten the most views of anything I've ever posted (a lot of them from people Googling "bondage boys" O.o) It starts here, if you're interested: http://www.kyrahalland.com/1/post/201...)

[Marlowe]

Kyra wrote: "I'm actually kind of the opposite - I have definite ideas about how relationships should be in real life (fortunately, my marriage pretty much fits this ideal!) and I get impatient with romance nov..."

I'd say that some form of BDSM happens even in some real-life relationships, although it is rare in real life, and may not be as deep and drastic as some romance novels make it out to be. That said, I'd say that only a fool would confuse fiction with real-life. :D

[Emma]

Abuse is only abuse if the person on the receiving end doesn't like it, or wants it to stop.
I know people that are in the BDSM scene that are very happy with their lives and none of them are 'jerkwads'. The submissive partners certainly aren't being abused from their point of view.
Its not my thing, but I'm not going to say its wrong, any more than any other sort of consensual relationship between adults.

[Marlowe]

E. wrote: "Abuse is only abuse if the person on the receiving end doesn't like it, or wants it to stop.
I know people that are in the BDSM scene that are very happy with their lives and none of them are 'jerk..."

Agreed.

[Lilo]

Lyn wrote: "Wonderful points :)
No, just because someone likes to read romance, it doesn't mean their life is boring, or lacking. Though I've heard people being judged by what they read. I've been judged mysel..."

Sometimes the need that is being fulfilled is simply a relaxing escape. This is what I imagine the majority of women use romance novels for. And if their life is overall satisfying outside of books, this is a wonderful place to be.

[Lyn]

E. wrote: "Abuse is only abuse if the person on the receiving end doesn't like it, or wants it to stop.
I know people that are in the BDSM scene that are very happy with their lives and none of them are 'jerk..."

You are right. No matter what kind of stuff characters, or real-life people are into, it's all about free will and consent.
But it is true that a lot of books show abusive behavior as a healthy part of relationship. If there's abuse, it should be shown as such.

Lilo wrote: "Sometimes the need that is being fulfilled is simply a relaxing escape. This is what I imagine the majority of women use romance novels for. And if their life is overall satisfying outside of books, this is a wonderful place to be. "

You are right, Lilo. That's exactly how it should be. A relaxing escape. Unfortunately, I have seen examples were women, after reading about some uber-sexy alpha male, start to expect the same from their own men. And I know at least one example where it rocked the marriage.

[Lilo]

That is too bad that the person you knew was comparing their man to the men in fiction books. That is never a wise choice.

[Lyn]

Lilo wrote: "That is too bad that the person you knew was comparing their man to the men in fiction books. That is never a wise choice."

Definitely not a wise choice.

[Marcy]

I don't read romance books, but I know just what you're talking about. I remember one time, I was really young so that's my excuse, when my boyfriend was sick, and I was taking care of him. At some point I went out to the movies and saw The Way We Were. It wasn't the first time I'd seen it, but you know how romantic it is (until the end that is) and how gorgeous Redford was in that....well, when I got back to the house I looked at my poor guy lying sick in bed with a red nose and I just wanted to barf. I have to say, I was very dissatisfied with him for a few days, but I didn't let on...

Also, I think one of the problems with male-created porn is they show men being so unrealistic sexually, you know, with humungous schlongs, lasting forever, and my favorite thing, women just adoring having come all over their faces! And I think people are affected by that stuff, especially since it's about the only sex education that exists in our culture.

[Emma]

The vast majority of 'erotica' including M/M authors are female, and in a fantasy world, an enormous 'schlong' would be much more fun than a peanut LOL!

To be honest, people that can't distinguish fantasy from reality have a problem anyway, and unless a book says non-fiction or 'biography' its made up. That goes for horror, thrillers and yes romances and erotica as well.
People don't think their boyfriend is Thor after watching Avengers Assemble, so why should they think their partner should be a fictional alpha male with a huge schlong out of a book?

Romance isn't any more real than any other form of fiction, its for entertainment purposes, that's all.

[Lyn]

Humungous schlongs and peanuts... Still can't stop laughing.

This reminded me of a joke I've heard once:
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of course a donkey to pay her bills!!!