Trying to understand my own reasoning

[Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous!]

I realized something yesterday that leaves me puzzled by my own reasoning. I am finding that while I am proud of myself for my recent accomplishments (see Trying to be healthy) I also find myself being ashamed at being proud of myself. I don't understand the reasoning behind my own reasoning for this as there is no good reason not to be proud of myself, but yet I feel ashamed.

I think it comes from being taught that pride is a sin. Yet self esteem is not a sin,but self pride, which falls under that geas, can trip the line into the sinful side, if you will, by becoming too braggy. I guess that is where I am trying to find a line here, a balance of what is "acceptable" and what crosses into that taboo area of not fine. I'm not sure how to find it, but I will, because I need to find a balance.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of oneself when it is deserved and I have earned my pride. I am a good person who is doing good things, and doing good for myself. I am proud to be who I am and others are allowed pride in who they are as well. What I am not entitled to is shame of that pride as I have done nothing wrong!

Or maybe I do need to feel ashamed. After all, tooting ones own horn is not a good thing and pride goeth before a fall and all that.

On the other hand, pride that is all consuming and self centered in not o.k., but having faith in yourself is just fine.

So either I am justified or I'm going to fall harder than Humpty Dumpty.....


Let's hope for a soft landing.

[Narzain]

You are completely justified in being proud of yourself. I think the tricky borderline between "ok proud" and "too proud" involves how, and how much, one brags on it. Saying "yay me" to your friends when you accomplish something (say, 3/4 miles in the pool) is perfectly fine. Going on and on and on about trivial accomplishments (which, by the way, you do NOT do, so let's not go there) is edging toward the border.

Of course, I could just be making this all up as I go...

[Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous!]

That makes sense. I guess that there is not a clear distinction made about what self esteem really is versus being self centered. There in lies the balance I seeking. I feel that there is no one way to do so, and each of us must find that balance in our own way. It is too easy to let ourselves be browbeaten into falling into the "I'm not important trap" or "what I do doesn't matter" to allow ourselves pride in what we do that deserves the pride to be felt. The traps are what I am trying to shed and the relatively equal ground I am striving to reach.

[Narzain]

Sadly, a great many important facets of life fall into the "don't ask for a definition, just do it right" category. This is one of them. Life would be so much simpler with an instruction manual...

And, just because it bears repeating, you are important, and what you do does matter. And that goes for everyone reading this, too!

[Sophia]

IMO, it's okay as you get the hang of building up your self-esteem to swing a little farther to the extreme of pride and bragging. You'll find a balance.

It sounds to me that you have the same problem a lot of us have. On some level you can't accept happiness or have pride in your accomplishments because you believe that what goes up must come down, and the happier you are, the worse the backlash will be.

For what it's worth, that's not actually how things work. In my experience, you can be happy and proud of yourself even during times of hardship. It's all about focus. I'm not advocating Pollyanna saccharine ignoring of the bad. It's important to acknowledge the bad. Then, though, you turn your focus from the bad to the good. For instance, I have recently been very annoyed with myself because I'm missing my mother (the same one who gave me such a hard time this summer I went through a minor depression). I think my relationship with her is pretty typical of abusive relationships that people seem to have such a hard time extricating themselves from. So, I acknowledge that. But I'm going to focus on the fact that it's a good thing I'm not feeling so heartbroken anymore. I'm going to take care of myself and not let myself in for the same treatment again, and in the mean time, missing her makes having to chat with her on the phone when she calls a lot easier. :)

See how I made that about me? :D Sorry, not my intention. But in any case, I just wanted to let you know I don't think you're the type to suddenly become totally self-centered, vain, and terrible. Go ahead and be proud. Acknowledge flaws and bad things in your life, but focus on the good. That's the path to happiness.

[Narzain]

^ What she said (and said very well).

And, Sophia, it's only natural to miss your mother in spite of all the horrible; she is, after all, your mother. That's another case of trying to find the balance, and accepting that feelings other than the majority are going to slip in there, and that's okay too.

I don't really think that citing an example from your own life is "making it about you." At least I hope not, 'cause I'd be guilty a lot. :)

[Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous!]

Sophia you make a good point. Are you in my brain? Because you nailed me exactly on the whole backlash thing. (Psst, please watch the short hand. I managed to figure out what you meant,but I don't speak text/chat acronyms :( sorry.)

I also agree with Narz here on the not "all about you" thing. As you so wisely pointed out to me in another thread, that if we weren't here, you wouldn't have had support to get through your situation. My dad died 12 years ago (this year) on New Year's Eve. To say that my dad and I had a tumultuous relationship would be the tip of the iceberg. I too have many issues with him to this day, but I have worked out many of them by being able to forgive what I can and trying to understand the rest. My mom and I can go 10 rounds sometimes with our words and since I live with her, they can be doozies. (Narz has been there for 1 or 2 over the last 8 years, so he can tell you.)

Does any of this mean that I love my parents any less, well maybe there were times, but I do love my mother in a fashion and did love my dad despite being in fear of him most of my life, including my adult life. I completely understand where you are coming from and how you got there. Mayhap we will meet each other on the road...

After the recent bout of "I'm an idiot. I'm not good for this group", "I'm (insert insult of choice)" garbage I just went through, it makes it harder to grasp the concept that I am worthwhile and what I am trying to accomplish here is worthwhile. Telling people that they matter is easy, but believing that YOU matter as well, aye, there's the rub. I have no problem being the cheerleader for others, perhaps it comes from my nature to want to take care of others, hence the whole child care career, or perhaps it comes from the career itself. I have no problem believing in my kids or supporting them, but I cannot for the life of me get my head around the idea that I, me, your fatabuous moderator and cheerleader is worthwhile, that I a matter and that what I do matters.

I know it is because I have let old ideas hold me back,old arguments keep a strong grip on me, and that I let meta messages keep me down. I know that I am important by gum! I am worthwhile carnsarn it! I am making a difference dadgumit! I am channeling Gabby Hayes! Seriously, WE are ALL in this together, and WE are ALL here for each other. It is about ALL of us, as individuals and as a group, so if somebody needs to make it "all about me" every once in a while, then so be it. That is allowed. I can say that. I'm the moderator and I make the rules, and I say it is o.k. to have a thread be all about you every once in a while. If you don't talk about what's bothering you, how can you get help to help yourself?

Hang in there gang. We'll get there.

[Paul]

Wonderful insights, Sophia. And Kim and Narzain as well :) . We DO have the right to be proud of accomplishments. That's because we have worked at them. And please remember there is a HUGE difference between being proud of an accomplishment and sharing it with friends... and being vain and boastful. That would mean waving it around to everyone you come across, and I see NONE of that going on. Hugs all around :)

[Narzain]

We're in it for the long haul, with all the bumps along the road.