My book description - advice?

[Heather]

I think your blurb is intriguing, but it also tells too much. haha. As with most pieces of text I edit, this one needs fewer words (less "fluff").

All roads lead to betrayal...

It is a land of warring kingdoms. Solus is six years old when the conquerors invade. Losing his parents in the chaos, Solus is left alone to fend for himself in a harsh and unkind world. When Solus reaches his loneliest and most desperate hour, Adara, a mysterious and beautiful young woman, rescues him. Along with two other orphan boys, forms a new family, and for many years they hone their warrior skills within the centuries-old Guild of Assassins, using what they learn to oppose the invaders and free their homeland.

But as Solus reaches the age of manhood, he soon discovers that his patriotic mission is not so black and white, and his family of orphans begins to splinter. Solus starts questioning his own loyalty to the cause. In search for answers, Solus ventures into the very heart of the enemy’s empire where he gets entangles with the deadly political intrigues of the Imperial City. He comes to believe he has found a better way to serve his conquered homeland by working within the enemy’s base of power than from working outside it as an assassin.

Solus vies for influence amongst military generals and royal minsters, and contends with a power hungry High Regent intent on usurping the throne. On top of it all, Solus cannot escape his obligations to the Guild of Assassins and his family. Solus’ loyalties will be stretched to the breaking point. He will find that the lives of all the people he loves and the fate of two kingdoms will depend on whom he will betray.(less)

[Harmony]

I agree with Heather, it is too wordy. I sympathise, as I always struggle with the blurb .. I find it much harder than writing the whole book: Here is my offering of a possible blurb for you ...

All roads lead to betrayal...

In a land of warring kingdoms six year old Solus loses his parents in the chaos of invasion. Solus is left alone to fend for himself. Then, along with other orphans, he forms a new family, and they begin to oppose the invaders and attempt to free their homeland.

But as Solus matures, he discovers that life is not as black and white as he had thought. He questions his own loyalty to the cause, and in search for answers, Solus ventures into the very heart of the enemy’s empire.

Solus’ loyalties will be stretched to breaking point. He will find that the lives of all the people he loves and the fate of two kingdoms will depend on whom he will betray.

I hope this helps.

Best of luck
Harmony :)

[Justin]

I agree with Heather and Harmony, it's a too long and wordy. Also you mention Solus' name a bit much as well. I like some of your descriptions on his quest and it really sounds good but I suggest you condence it to make two big paragraphs with some of your best content to tell the story rather than a ton of them. Just my suggestions, good luck to you Bill.

[Judith]

Heather wrote: "I think your blurb is intriguing, but it also tells too much. haha. As with most pieces of text I edit, this one needs fewer words (less "fluff").

All roads lead to betrayal...

It is a land of wa..."

Great editing. Less is often more.

[Kelly]

I study the blurbs to best sellers in my genre if that helps you any. Even doing that, it is the HARDEST thing to write I think.

[C.V.]

Agreed, blurbs are very hard to write.

[Trina]

I think Harmony's version is great :) it's the blurb that entices the reader. Personally when looking for a new story to read if the blurb is too long I usually skip it and move on. Good luck!

[K.L.]

I agree with Harmony that the blurb is harder to write than the actual book :)

[K.L.]

wow even harder than I thought. I was actually working on mine this evening. This is so much harder than actually writing the books!

[Patrick]

Shorter the better. You're trying only to grab the reader to make them open the book not tell the story. It took me months to get my back jacket into a few sentences and I came up with this (and I still think it might be a bit long).

Can a grown man be toppled with a straw and a newt? Has evolution made humans into big babies? Is salamander spit the newest weapon of mass destruction?

The answers lie Somewhere Upriver

​Douglas Mortimer, just beginning graduate school, is on his way to fulfilling his lifelong dream – becoming a great scientist. But when he hires an eccentric old herpetologist as a research assistant, his plans for a successful future are derailed. Douglas enters a world of toxic salamanders, quirky characters and government conspiracies, where the outlandish grows more believable.

[Judith]

I like it! The only line that tripped me up a bit was "Has evolution made humans into big babies?" I'm not sure you need it.