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Can you take a look at this blurb?
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Kelly wrote: "I'd love any suggestions on the blurb if you guys have time. This is the part that is really hard for me. Any and all suggestions welcome!Return to Tent City: The Reckoning
Locusts. Blood fille..."
I have to say I love it. But...the bit 'to save Jack from General Burke - to - keeping her promise to Jack.' is maybe a bit confusing to those who don't know the story. It's probably really important, but it's introducing quite a few characters that no-one knows about, in a short space.
Hope this helps. It does sound like a really great book.
Thank you Elaine. It is a sequel to a book, so maybe that's why I was taking liberties with information.
Kelly wrote: "Thank you Elaine. It is a sequel to a book, so maybe that's why I was taking liberties with information."Ah. Well, that makes more sense. You should definitely keep it in then.
I agree with Elaine, though I am also far from expert at writing blurbs, synopsis or marketing descriptions; here are my thoughts about your blurb. The first sentence is a great hook and the first part of the next paragraph continues to draw. The part that Elaine mentioned is, as she said confusing and, I think, fails to connect with this:
"As Dani tries to figure out a plan to save both Brody and Jack, her world is turned upside down by devastating events." There are worse things than those listed in the first sentence?
"Unable to cope, she finds herself in a situation she never expected." I don't know... redundant? The aforementioned efforts were expected and easily handled?
Finally, "Will she learn to move on or will be enough to break her?" I'm sorry, but... "huh?".
Writing the blurb or product description for a sequel is, I believe, especially difficult. I thought I had it licked when I dug up the blurbs for The Hunger Games three novels and sort of used that as a model. Later, I hooked up with a professional marketing agency and saw how it really should be done... lol.
Looking back at what I've written, it seems a bit short... my apologies, not my intent; I'm really only trying to help... ;o).
I haven't read the first book and the only things that bug me are these two in the same sentence: new-found freedom and save Jack...I know new-found freedom has no capitals so it's not a place, but then, if it is freedom, how come Jack is prisoner? When I think of embarking on a journey to new-found freedom, I think of liberty, of a place free of tyrant etc., and then right after that, I hear Jack is prisoner.
I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense to you...
Aside from that I love it and as you stated, it's a sequel so people who have read it must certainly understand that part.
Thanks guys. I'm still working on it. I appreciate all the feedback!
Lex wrote: "I agree with Elaine, though I am also far from expert at writing blurbs, synopsis or marketing descriptions; here are my thoughts about your blurb. The first sentence is a great hook and the fir..."
I write in the same genre as The Hunger Games. Did you find looking at series' helpful at all? I don't have the other feedback.
Kelly - I did, in fact, check out several series and how they handled their sequel blurbs, etc. But, as mentioned, I thought I'd done a pretty bang-up job until a pro looked it over and said, "Good but...not good enough, try this one." Hers was so much better.My genre is not that of Hunger Games and perhaps therein lay my lack of success. In your case, it may work out much better. It certainly wouldn't hurt to check out several dystopian series... ;o)
Kelly, you are a brave woman putting your work out there to be critiqued, particularly when it's something you describe as a weakness of yours. I think the plot sounds really enticing and many readers will get sucked in by that.Call me bloodthirsty, but I think you want to write it so that you can't really tell it's a sequel. That way some readers may stumble upon it and think it either stands alone or it's the first book in the series and they will buy it, possibly getting duped, but they won't blame you, hopefully they'll just buy the first book too. Also if you include some kind of synopsis of the first volume in the beginning of the second book you might be able to get away with it as well.
That said, I marked up your blurb in Microsoft Word and I have my suggestions for you on there ready to go. Most of them just have to do with clarifying the plot for people who didn't read book 1. I know you have received a lot of suggestions already so the draft I edited is probably out of date. If you want the edits, PM me your email address so I can email them to you as an attachment.
Your book sounds good, I hope you sell a million of em.
F.F. Sound advice and really the most appropriate way to address Kelly's concerns... PM a Word edit/ critique. I wish I'd thought of that myself... ;o).
Snappy and effective blurb. My own suggestion is to change the first sentence to:These are just a few things that 17-year-old Dani Campbell has to worry about as she makes her journey back to the Black Hills of South Dakota
The commas around "17-year-old" make the sentence a bit clunky and less easy to read.
You guys are all amazing. I love the writing community and support on Goodreads. I'm really humbled that you guys would take time out of your day to respond to my question in such a helpful way.
TAKE TWOLocusts. Blood filled rivers. Rabies infested animals. Pestilence. Death of firstborn. These are just a few things 17-year-old Dani Campbell has to worry about as she embarks on a new journey with her family back to the Black Hills of South Dakota.
Against the odds, Dani Campbell and her brother Brody, who is “marked” to be the world’s next prophet, have survived the first plague of locusts and the starvation that followed. She has managed to avoid capture by the country’s cult-like leader General Burke and The Council, but she had to sacrifice Jack along the way.
Her salvation comes in the form of Bentley, Jack’s brother, who promises to help her rescue Jack from the Council. She’s not sure if she can trust Bentley, but she is willing to take the chance if it means saving Jack.
But then everything changes. Dani learns of The Council’s plan to either kill or capture Brody who is everything she holds dear. She is torn between her need to protect Brody and the promise she made to Jack.
To add to the eeriness of the world, Dani is discovering those around her are developing superpowers called “advancements” and tries to deny the existence of her own. She fights insecurity as she lives with incredible people she has dubbed “The Great Flash”, “The Super Healer”, “The Martyr”, and “The Golden Child.” Will she figure out what her mysterious power is before it’s too late?
In Return to Tent City: The Reckoning, the second book in the Tent City series, Kelly Van Hull continues the story of Dani Campbell, a small-town girl being tested in big-city ways. Will she have what it takes not only to survive, but also find a way to find peace in a world where only death seems to thrive?
After a lot of work and stress, and some more work and some more stress and me hassling my writer friends, here is what we came up with. Return to Tent City
No one knows Brody’s secret and Dani plans to keep it that way.
It's been seven years since the first plague. Things seem safe - until the river runs red and the blood-filled waters set off a series of catastrophic events. Seeking refuge once again, Dani and her group make their way back to Tent City, unsure of what the future holds.
Can Dani keep Brody safe long enough to fulfill the prophecy? Who can she trust? Will she be able to bring down The Council before they destroy what she holds most dear? With the plagues looming, is there a bigger threat than just The Council?
In the midst of chaos, Dani finds love, but is forced to choose between two brothers - the one who can’t live without her and the one she has promised herself to – knowing the decision could destroy their relationship forever.
Return to Tent City is the second book in the Tent City series. It is a young adult dystopian novel of biblical proportions set in the Black Hills of South Dakota.
I'd say the work and stress has paid off. I love this new one!
I just started working on rewriting the blurbs for my novels; a task I really dislike. I found following your journey through the process has helped me realize what I need to do. Your final result (message 15) is fantastic! It cleared up any confusion from the earlier write-ups and does make me want to read the book. I hope your sales soar.
Richard, it's amazing how important a blurb really is. It is probably my least favorite thing to do, but something that is absolutely necessary to get it right. Good luck!
I've only just come across this thread and it's wow! With each draft I can see how it gets better. Thanks for sharing this.
Return to Tent City: The Reckoning
Locusts. Blood filled rivers. Rabies infested animals. Pestilence. Death of firstborn.
These are just a few things, 17-year-old, Dani Campbell has to worry about as she makes her journey back to the Black Hills of South Dakota. Her plan is a simple one: Travel with her new friend Bentley to get her family to safety and then embark on a journey to new-found freedom to save Jack from General Burke and The Council. All those plans come to a halt when Dani learns The Golden Child is to be assassinated. Dani is caught between protecting her brother and keeping her promise to Jack. As Dani tries to figure out a plan to save both Brody and Jack, her world is turned upside down by devastating events. Unable to cope, she finds herself in a situation she never expected. Will she learn to move on or will be enough to break her?