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The Game of Life and Death
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Raevyn
(new)
Sep 17, 2013 01:26PM
![Raevyn "Lucia" [I'm in it for the books] (raevynstar) | 46 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1374959527p1/18721584.jpg)
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
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I loved the concept!!! It's a Hunger Games-esque world, with the Board and everything. I'm so curious about what the game actually is and what happens to Pisces!One thing I would suggest is that you pile it up on the details. Add more about what the bus looks like, besides the colors (this is your oppurtunity to suggest dystopian elements of the society if you are planning to make it futuristic... for instance, the bus can be a hovering vehicle without wheels or something). Also, if you're planning on adding a romance between the girl with sea-green eyes and Pisces, I would suggest adding more first impressions and dialogue between them, just to show the reader that they have character chemistry and also to introduce a bit more out of both of them.
You could also add more about the emotions of the main character. As they approach the hole, is he feeling fear? desperation? Does he have second thoughts? What does the scenery around the hole look like?
I'm really want to read more... this is such an interesting idea and an awesome start! :D
This idea is exactly the kind of story I love! I mean you've written such a small amount and I'm hooked, I really want to know more.It reminds me a lot of a mixture of The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins(i.e The Games aspect of it aha) and Divergent Veronica Roth(With the whole jumping thing) and so far I don't see how your story is much more unique. So perhaps work your own spin on things like the characters? The people that take Pisces away?
Have you ever heard of a story which follows a linear structure of going from background (other wise known as equilibrium) so in your case Pre-games life for Pisces; who is his family? Where is this set? Does he have many friends? Is he poor? So on... Then there is the problem, so in Pisces cases this would be finding out what the games are really like and then over coming all sorts of things within The Games which so far I obviously don't know about. Then comes the solution, of course I know nothing about that yet. Lastly, the evaluation; Pisces returning to normal. It might not be the same normal as the background but he will once again return to equilibrium.
I'm telling you about this because although I can see your structure clearly, and that's great, I think you need to consider the fact the audience has just read the background and some of the major problem and it's so small.
Perhaps work on prolonging these things in the way Ali suggested with descriptions and so on.
I agree with Ali and can't wait to read more, seriously! Please keep me updated, if I don't respond to it then don't hesitate to email me and ask me to read your new editions.
I hope I've helped in someway, I really like this story!:D
If you put a romance in it, it'd become my favourite genre ever. (Just saying.. ahaha)
x
And by the way Lucia, I just wanted to thank you for putting so many awesome story prompts :)
You're welcome, I hope it helped and I wasn't mean:) x
Ali wrote: "And by the way Lucia, I just wanted to thank you for putting so many awesome story prompts :)"You're welcome. :)
Amy wrote: "You're welcome, I hope it helped and I wasn't mean:) x"
You weren't mean at all, don't worry.
Oh, exciting! I love the Player aspect to it and the different coloured floor - I can now see your own take on the story, which makes me love it even more! I'm now feeling a bit more scared for the characters, but I'm still confused by the story. I think that maybe your writing will explain itself? And if it does then your manipulative writing to make the audience a little confused is really great!
Keep going, I'm waaaay too intrigued for you to stop now!
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...I'm trying to make it fit, but I want to include so many elements and I'm afraid I'll leave out too much detail again! :(
What do you mean by make it fit?This is really good. You're really great at giving us the element of surprise. I think you could still add some more detail here and there, but mainly some back ground info? I just got a little confused about the "she ever got was a biscuit" part.
I can't wait to read more about Emmett/Pisces and why he was a wreck or more importantly why he has wings. :D
Great addition again. Hm, okay. I'm not going to lie but I'm completely confused. I can't see the straight storyline. Can you tell me in brief what's happened so far? Because it all seems to e a little muddled.
I'm not even sure how to describe it, actually. All I can tell you is that I'll try to clear up some of the details in the next few chapters. D:
Okay, so I reread it and I have a suggestion. Why don't you go back to the first chapter and add the detail that Ali and I have you at the beginning? It'd help future readers.The sexist part where the boy has been alters seems like a good idea - the lying. But I feel like you wrote that and then decided against it and so just added "Oh, that was just to confuse you.".
Also, I'm not sure about Pisces past? And I think that for character development we need more information and back ground rather than just action.
I still love what you're doing by the way, which is why I'm trying to help you because I'd love to read all of this story and to understand it all. Which is what you as the author want to do too.
:)
https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...This chapter is a little shorter, but I hope it's not as confusing. ;)
