Need help with a blurb

[G.G.]

I don't know if it is the right place to post this.

I need help with a blurb. I believe my original one is kind of bland and doesn't tell much about the story. I tried to re-write it to the norms of Smashwords which is below 70 words. (Short description) That doesn't leave much room.

I am seeking opinions as to know if the new one sounds better or if I should stick with the original one. Thank you for any input. (I'll need to work on the extended description too)

This is my old blurb:
When an untimely accident brings Alex back to Earth, he discovers a different kind of being he never knew existed. Widely similar to his own species, they have one thing that sets them apart—they feed on human blood. During his quest to repair his ship and return to his own world, he will come to realize that his unfortunate fate might not be a coincidence after all.

And this would be my new one:
When an untimely accident brings Alex back to Earth, a planet he visited in the past, he discovers a different kind of being. Widely similar to his species, one thing sets them apart—they feed on human blood. After a betrayal lands him in the hands of the humans, he escapes with a group of vampires. Soon, they realize only they stand against aliens set on Earth's annihilation.

[Patricia]

Hmm. Granted, I don't know your story. But what about something like the following:

Alex has never held much love for humans. When an untimely accident brings him back to Earth, he discovers that the humans are not the only inhabitants. This new race calls themselves vampire and they feed on human blood. When Alex finds himself captured by the humans, he must trust this new vampire race in order to save himself and the Earth itself.


I made the changes because you want to build tension surrounding the story (IMHO) as opposed to just the characters. I don't think you need to keep the part about the vampires being similar to Alex. That can be told by the story.

[G.G.]

Thank you Patricia.
That helped. It gives me something to work with.
I think by the time I get this right, I won't have hair left on my head. :p

[G.G.]

Is this any better?

When an untimely accident brings Alex back to Earth, the last thing he expected was to fall in love. The survival rules are strict; do not fraternize with the natives. After a betrayal lands him in the hands of the military, he escapes and frees the vampires held captive with him. Now, can they put aside their grudge against humankind to save the planet from annihilation?

[Patricia]

Okay, I like that one better, but can you tie in the "fall in love" with the "vampires held captive with him"? I feel like those are two completely different story lines. Or at least they seem like they are. If you can relate them, that might help.

Also, I understand. I hate writing blurbs.

[K.R.]

Yours for reference:
When an untimely accident brings Alex back to Earth, a planet he visited in the past, he discovers a different kind of being. Widely similar to his species, one thing sets them apart—they feed on human blood. After a betrayal lands him in the hands of the humans, he escapes with a group of vampires. Soon, they realize only they stand against aliens set on Earth's annihilation.


My suggestion:
They live on the planet below. They look human, act human, talk human but to these creatures, the humans are the prey. Alex has to join them to survive though with each new choice finds himself wrapped up in a plot to end life on Earth as it's known. Will he stand with his vampire companions, or will he jump planet and leave the Earth to its fate?

[G.G.]

@ K.R. I like your idea, the way you start the blurb. I almost feel like changing my story to make it work with it :P

@ Patricia. I don't think I can relate them in so few words, but on amazon there is no such restriction and I am thinking about going with this one:(my original one didn't say much about the story at all.)

When an untimely accident brings Alex back to Earth, the last thing he expected was to fall in love. The survival rules are strict; do not fraternize with the natives. After a betrayal lands him in the hands of the military, he discovers he is not the only one held captive. They are experimenting on vampires. Afraid that his love might be among them, he frees them all as he escapes. Meanwhile, mysterious storms are devastating big cities. Soon, they will learn of their origin. Can they put aside their grudge against humankind to save the planet from certain annihilation?