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So dark and stormy, in fact, that the aliens couldn't see the field. The pilot thought they were two storeys off the ground: a moment later, they crashed into it.
Their MoonBucks lattes spilled in every direction. The sound of crumbling metal filled their ears...
The captain emerged from the bathroom, zipping up his fly and shouting at the pilot."What the hell, Dave? That's the third time this month..."
"Uhh, Cap'in?" George the navigator pointed at Dave who was impaled on the gear stick. "We have a problem, he was the only one who new how to fix this thing."
Suddenly, a klaxon rang out around the bridge. The captain spun around to George, fury in his eyes."Dammit, George. I thought we turned off the that's-what-she-said-alarm?"
Meanwhile a farmer scratched at his matted beard in bed. He was certain he was woken by some kind of boom.
He ran back for the bird which had a key tied to its foot. Without time to separate the two, the farmer ran to the large cupboard in the corner of the room.
The parrot flapped and protested as he opened the door. Light shone out as what was inside glistened...
...fiercly, blinding the old farmer for a moment. Throwing the bird across the room and reaching down the his fingers clasped over....
A hairy spider who had made his home with his precious things! He shrieked and the parrot gave a shrill laugh..
It's legs got tangled up and it fell over into a ball. The farmer watched the spider struggle until...
Meanwhile, the aliens had left their ship. The captain was scratching his head in dismay."Listen up crew, I think we're in real trouble this time..."
"Have you forgotten our meeting at Galactic Command?"No one answered the captain. The only sound was the deep moo from the cow they had narrowly missed in the crash.
The farmer appeared at the doorway, gun in hand. He squinted at the smoking pile of debris in the distance.
'Holy cow,' he cursed under his breath. 'And my labourer is out for another week! Poor cows - all that stink...'
"Um, Captain?" said George. "Look at the chronometer. 21 days have passed since we said anything. The Stasis Whosits Whatsis has zapped us with suspended animation again!"
'Run naked through the undergrowth eat dirt, bird droppings and worms.'
'The paint peeling on the ceilings not peeling on our ceiling.'
"Not that freakin old song again." The captain said, a scowl on his face. Red light strobed through the cockpit then, as the fire brigade arrived.
blinked, then threw his joint out of the window.
"Medical reasons my fluffy butt." Sparky grumbled.
"Medical reasons my fluffy butt." Sparky grumbled.
Meanwhile, the tap dancing spider had reached the alien ship. The captain squealed like a girl when he saw it: "I hate spiders." He said, as he leapt into George's lap.
"Oh come off it. Its no where near as frightning as the firebreathing fluttermoths of Venuscenturi Seven." George said shoving him onto the floor.
"But he's got the scariest, flappiest clown hands I've ever seen," gasped The Captain as he hit the floor and squealed like a girl. Again.
The cockpit was quite crowded by now, with the pilots, the firemen, the farmer, sparky and the spider all standing around."So much for a stealth landing." Grumbled Steven from the floor, eyeing the spider and its clown hands suspiciously.
The spider, who had up until this moment remained silent, cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but if you would all please step away from the controls, I'll land this old rust bucket with no problem!" And with a flap of his enormous clown hands, he felw across the crowded cockpit and landed on the pilot's seat.
The spider flipped a switch, causing a bright UV light to fill the room. Suddenly, Sparky started to convulse.
"He's transforming!" The fireman cried, realising he had left the anti transformation serum in the truck.
"He's transforming!" The fireman cried, realising he had left the anti transformation serum in the truck.
Everyone watched from between their fingers, tentacles and massive clown hands as Sparky slowly oozed across the floor, before dripping through a poorly soldered floor panel."Damn!" Cursed the spider. "That's going to play merry hell with renewing the 'Interstellar Personal Accident Insurance' next month!"





It was a dark and stormy night...