Weekly Short Stories Contest and Company! discussion
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In the words of Gavin
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Gavin
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Aug 27, 2013 06:08PM

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There are a few sentences that are quite wordy, but I found the story utterly riveting and the composition certainly didn't get in the way of my reading. While I'm sure you could cut and shorten if you chose, I actually enjoyed the language you've used and the way you've constructed the piece. To me, the narrator seems to be bursting with enthusiasm and excited to be conveying his experience. So, in this instance, the longer and wordier sentences seemed to fit the narrator's voice and add to its truthfulness.
To me, the ultimate test is always the story itself. All the other parts contribute in smaller ways but if the story is not there, no amount of grammatical correctness will sell it. And your story is most certainly there, Gavin. As I've already said, I found myself holding my breath as I read. I loved it!