Onset of Darkness at the End of the Day - Another Twilight Parody

[Clara]

This is probably a little undignified, so apologies for the self-promotion but I've recently joined the ranks of Twilight parody authors and, though I'm having a bit of fun, I'd also like to share with the world and thought there might be some people browsing this group who would be interested.

So, behold the book description. It's short and hopefully diverting in some strange way...!


***
"Irma Goose's life sucks. It sucks so much she can't keep it to herself. Let's hope that moving to Spoons to live with her dad (who buys her nice cars and doesn't give her mashed potatoes for dinner) helps make her life suck a little less. Maybe meeting Joe the Jock who looks good without his shirt will help ease the pain of life? Or perhaps she'll bond with the mysterious Count Frederick over Biology? He is, after all, really quite beautiful.

“He was beautiful. I’m not just talking beautiful in that he was handsome, or nice, or a good looking boy, or had decent facial features, a nice jaw, chin, mouth, nose, eyes and a smart clean haircut. I’m saying that he was beautiful, as in really beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Really, really really beautiful. That is, beautiful. Really, really, really, really beautiful. One could not look at him without acknowledging his beauty not once but a thousand times. Not a thousand times but a million times. Not a million times but a million trillion times. He was in all respects, beautiful. So, so, so, so, so beautiful. Wipe your mind of all conceptions of beauty you ever had before you laid eyes on Freddy Smith because after looking at Freddy there is no other kind of beauty, there is simply just Freddy. Oh, Freddy. Oh you are beautiful. Really beautiful. He was like a Grecian statue only a lot more beautiful than that. White alabaster skin chiselled out of marble by God to form features so perfect, so smooth, clean and pure that one would go to any lengths to be able to gaze on just them and nothing else for all of eternity. No, longer. I can only repeat at this point that he was beautiful. His beauty was inversely proportionate to the amount that my life sucked. It was as if everything that vacuum cleaner of life had sucked up was being blown back out into my face again. I couldn’t believe the amazing day I was having, being able to sit next to a boy so unspeakably beautiful. Honestly, I could never put it into words. You’re just going to have to trust me “

Behold the first instalment of this great asexual Vampire saga in which no taboo is approached, nothing happens and nobody gets the come-uppance that they so rightly deserve. Thrill as Irma complains about dinner, whines at her dad, drools over potential boyfriends and most importantly, doesn't have sex with Count Frederick.

“It's not the best book I've ever written. Actually I've only written two short stories. This isn't necessarily the best one. It's not the most erotic either.” - Clara Brooks.

“The good thing about marketing this short story is that readers will know exactly what they're getting. It's an easy sell. It doesn't even need to have a proper ending.” - The publisher.

“This is the funniest parody I've read since Hamlet” - a reviewer who probably hasn't read Hamlet."