The Story That Ends & Begins Again (no word limit)

[Roger]

Which was still a mite better than being hard on… hard on what? Ah yes, he remembered, hard on the trail of the Gunslinger. "Tally Ho!"

[Preston, Moderator]

Frank rode the refrigerator in the direction of Tally Ho, a small town where there were many brothels. If Frank knew anything he knew professional sex workers the Gunslinger would head to a bordello. Either way Frank had the situation well in hand as he hung onto the door handle spurred his Macy's refrigerator and galloped off into the Canyon of Ill Repute.

[Roger]

Beside the Canyon of Ill Repute stood the Vale of Wicked Intention next to the Corner of Collapsed Virtue. It was at this intersection that Fridge pulled up with a loud snort and a series whickers, and refused to put a hoof in front of another. The purple-colored palomino wouldn't budge, his huge eyelashes flickered with fear. And then, as Frank—feeling about as hard up as he ever had—slipped to the dust with a tinkle of spurs, the form emerged from the brightly lit interior of the Bar of Butch Butchers, a mere silhouette against the light.

"Howdy, Frank," the disembodied voice growled.

[Preston, Moderator]

"Hi mom."

[Roger]

>party pooper :-) <

"Wow, mom," said Frank, "what large eyes you have."

"All the better to see you," mom growled back.

"And what large teeth you have."

"All the better to eat you with!"

And mom leapt out from the doorway.

[Preston, Moderator]

Wearing a red cape with a little red hood.

[Roger]

"Blimey, mom," Fred exclaimed (with a put-on English accent). "You frightened the life half out of me, I thought you was the Boyz from the Hood."

[Preston, Moderator]

"Sure and begorrah, 'tis a grand day to be alive!" his mom replied with a French accent.

[Roger]

Frank scratched his head and sucked on the finger which took the splinter. "Look, I know we're being overrun by Bulgarians and Romanians this week, but could you at least speak Polish so I can understand you?"

[Preston, Moderator]

Mógłbym użyć Google przekładając.

[Roger]

Everyone stood around google-eyed as mother and son began frantically tapping away at their phones. In the end Frank said, "I give up. Every time I type something into the first window of google Translate, it crashes my Safari." *

* It really does, started three weeks ago…

[Preston, Moderator]

"Keep your phone under your pith helmet when you're on safari. It will keep jungle creatures from hacking into Google Translate"

"But why would jungle creatures need to translate?"

"I don't know, ask the US National Security Administration, they have been monitoring everything."

[Roger]

While down in the depths of Cheltenham, England, GCHQ, in a dungeon far below ground, experts worked on the U.S. secret spies, Julian Anguish and Edward Snowedin, desperate to discover why the U.S. Army wanted jungle creatures to be able to translate.

Frank said, in an aside to his mother, that he didn't have a helmet to pith in.

[Preston, Moderator]

Later that night with the retelling of that pithy conversation laughter is heard in the secret spy bar as the Yanks and Brits take a break from work and relax over a pint. "I say old chap that was a good one." said Snowedin. "You bet your ass." replied the dapper SIGINT agent from GCHQ through his stiff upper lip.

[Roger]

For a moment SIGINT looked worried. "I say, old chap, do think David Cummerbund will keep our financing going, what with the recession and all, and the fact that since you and Anguish over there, gave everything to the Russians, there's nothing really left to gather, intelligence-wise, that is."

"Well, actually, there is some advice I can offer, my old pedal bin, and that's never smile at a Frenchman unless you know him. They don't like it, y'know."

[Preston, Moderator]

Anguish feeling most wretched agonized over the thought and finally said you know you could go into the tourist guide business.

The British agent went on to reveal, "Do not smile at a Russian. They don't have smiles in their country so the Ruskies think you poking fun at them by making a silly face."

Agent Anguish slunk away in agony and distress to take his desolate soul to isolation in his hotel room where he emailed the Kremlin and reported that the British had discovered the smile thing which of course was intercepted by the SIGINT agents from GCHQ. The next day the British press was full of news Snowedin had secret papers revealing the UK was monitoring top Russian officials who were now caught in a Smilies scandal.



Englishman David John Moore Cornwell, under the code name John le Carré was a master spy for the Americans and soon made a tidy profit from the affair with book sales and movie rights. As customary per their agreement part of that money went into the NSA coffee club fund.

[Preston, Moderator]

Agent "Z" of the Complaint Department has just received a coded message from the Spy Department.



As can be seen in this closeup the message was signed by Edward Snowedin himself.



"Z" has relayed two key factors that he can reveal to us.

1) The Spy Department requests the Complaint Department to stop revealing its secrets pointing out the the Interdepartmental Department's Department Cooperative Agreement prohibits revealing another department's departmentalized stuff.

2) "Z" wants a box of dog biscuits.

As gesture of goodwill the Spy Department has exchanged the Macy's refrigerator for a real horse for Frank Hardup.

Naturally we are cooperating fully so this the final word on this subject:

Frank Hardup got on his horse and rode off into the sunset.

[Preston, Moderator]

Frank retired to the Old Softies Retirement Home where Billy Two Shoes had just been hired to be the Activities Director.

Billy's first activity for the retirees was...

[Roger]

…to make a nice cuppa tea and bring out the Rich Tea biscuits (Buy One Get One at Half price, TESCO promotion). Then he roused the inmates to play a game of Monopoly and there was an argument over who got the "London" board and who the "Manhattan" board, whether you could build hotels on Piccadilly or Madison Ave.

Frank, may have retired, but he had a simple way of settling any arguments, with his trusty ol' 45.

BANG!

[Preston, Moderator]

After many long years of hard work Bob the Builder and his retirement came to a quick end with a bullet lodged in his brain.

Next, Billy organized a game of charades. Despite the high potential for disagreement there were no arguments.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

Frank was bored with the activities at the Old Softies Retirement Home. He was looking for the kind of activities more befitting his surname. He might be getting on in years but he was no old softie.

[Roger]

So Frank—Hardup by name and nature—set himself up as a professional escort. He'd read in a magazine of dubious intentions that this could be a very exciting occupation, and so it proved, though he was alarmed to find himself all at sea, escorting a petroleum tanker through the Somali pirate-infested seas off the Horn of Africa. He was just dreaming of the days when life was simpler, chasing baddies as a gunslinger, when a speedboat came roaring alongside, all guns blazing.

[Preston, Moderator]

The party boys were back from shore leave.

[Roger]

Frank grinned down and said, "Is that an AK47 in your pockets, boys, or are you just pleased to see me?"

[Preston, Moderator]

"We have packages for you."

[Roger]

These Somali pirates are very to the point, Frank thought. But he always loved a good package, the pleasure of unwrapping it to discover what lay hidden within… and so many packages too!

[Preston, Moderator]

Somali Some Oli drawings illustrated packages

[Roger]

Ben Ali Sam-Oli, who was an oily oligarch, examined the proffered packages with all the eagerness of a teenager in hormonal extremis, so you can imagine his sheer horror when he unwrapped the first package and…

[Preston, Moderator]

Zap! 64 teenage dancers came out but alas the boys weren't virgins.

[Roger]

Though they all avowed that Virgin Games were among the best and then started fighting among themselves as to which was the very best.

[Preston, Moderator]

So they used Virgin Mobile to call some golfer who wrote a column about gaming when a Virgin Atlantic airline Crashed into Newsfields HQ which the boys then acclaimed to be the best flight simulator game of all time.

[Roger]

Frank Hardup was first on the scene of the virtual disaster, scenting that his quarry was near, probably pouring through the wreckage of the flight simulation, no doubt relieving the Newsfield Virgin boys of their cherry sodas. It had been a long time since Frank had last ridden a horse and when the town mayor's ceremonial Dobbin clopped up he sighed but clambered up its vast Shire flanks and rode up to the doors of the Feathers Inn.

[Preston, Moderator]

The Feathers Inn was two door style and he couldn't decide which door to go in so he just rode around the Bull Ring until...

[Roger]

…he ran into a group from the Royal Shakespeare Company who were filming The Merchant of Venice and had been badly misinformed that the town (given all the recent rain sent over from America's left over snow) was afloat in canals, when in fact it was built on a hill.

[Preston, Moderator]

So he ate some gorgonzola then hopped into a gondola with a long Pole, Thaddeus Kosciusko, who poled along the River Heme into the Severn then through estuary and crossing into the Bristol Channel and out into the Celtic Sea ending up in the Atlantic.

From there they sailed to America as Kosciusko was wont do looking for a little action up the Hudson River. Thaddeus was devastated that the American Revolution, his main occupation, was over and died of consumption as river pollution consumed the gondola leaving Frank hard up on the Riverbank alone.

This wouldn't have been so hard on Frank but he left his River Bank ATM card in his other gondola so he was broke.

There wasn't a horse in sight but there was a Macy's at Colonie Center and a Sears. Frank had bad luck luck at Macy's in the past so he though he'd try Sears instead. He couldn't help but notice the display of Refrigerators which reminded him of Fridge his trusty old horse.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

And who should Frank Hardup run into in the Sears tool department but Bob da Builder!

[Roger]

This was an extraordinarily lucky meeting for Frank because he'd always wanted (when he wasn't slinging guns and chasing baddies for the bounty money) to erect something with Leggo™.

"What kind of erection do you have in mind?" Bob asked Frank.

Frank thought for a moment, while gently rubbing Fridge's velvety nose, and then smiled brightly. "I want to build a tall tower. It'll be the biggest damned erection anyone's ever seen.

[Preston, Moderator]

Bob said, Gee Frank every time somebody builds a taller tower the Sultan of Brunei just adds another Leggo™ set on top of his erection so he can claim to have the biggest.

[Roger]

"But Bob, you just don't geddit, do you?" Frank snapped back. "The double-damned Sultan of Bruno might well have the biggest erection around, but he don't get to see the movie before we do!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ_JOB...

[Preston, Moderator]

Just then Batman flew out of movie and said "Erection? I'll show you an erection!" Then he whipped out…

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-ne...

Then he shared 10 (count them ten!) erections with Bob da Builder and Frank Hardup saying "There's no XXXL Magnum prophylactic or enough lube to cover these hardups, er sorry Frank, I mean hard ons.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-ne...
Batman whispered, "My favorite is the Agbar Tower in Barcelona. Viva El Pene!"

[names of buildings in upper right.]

[Roger]

"That's a beauty," Batman exclaimed, and jumped up into Bob da Builder's capacious arms in his excitement at seeing the erection in Barcelona. Frank, who enjoyed a good dill pickle, preferred London City's Gherkin. "It's nicely ribbed," he pointed out.

Bruno the Sultan of Swing, just muttered to himself, a bit p.o.'ed at their enthusiasm for erections other than his own, and left in a high dudgeon for Dire Straits.

[Preston, Moderator]

So Bruno ended up at a concert. Lead singer Mark Knopfler took him back stage to his dressing room and he was brutally subjected to having 70s rock music nostalgia forced upon him. Bruno was dying to get his rocks off but all he got was rock talk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Pa9x9...

[Roger]

Check out Guitar George, he knows all those fancy chords.

A band is blowin' Dixie double four time, and Bruno can see how much he's enjoyin' it, sat on a double dime.

[Preston, Moderator]

Bruno couldn't hear himself think so he did what he always did when he needed to swing, he went to the playground in the park. It was dark but Bruno saw his way to the swing set with its long chains attached to a bar with leather seats and started zooming forward and back. He didn't see the sign, "Danger Sexual Predators Prowling For Swingers after Dark" when suddenly someone startled rattling his chains.

He heard a voice query "So your into leather and chains I see."

[Roger]

But thank God it was only Elton John, looking for someone to give him a push on the roundabout. "I don't feel very pushy," Bruno said glumly, then brightened. "But I'll give you a good seeing to on the teeter-totter.

[Preston, Moderator]

They teetered and they tottered and they teetered and they tottered and they teetered and they tottered some more until David came by and Furnished them with a slide and a sand box and Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John, Elijah Joseph Daniel Furnish-John who immediately took over the teeter totter relegating Elton to the sand box Bruno to the slide. Then David Furnished nannies and body guards. Bruno suddenly felt his innocent urge to be a swinger had ended up badly and he soon went home and complained about to Teddy, his bear.

[Roger]

"Oh Teddy, dear Teddy, why are you always so bare?" Bruno exclaimed in anguish.

But Teddy, of course, was only a piece of stuffed taxidermy, a masterpiece of the art, to be sure, but still incapable of responding with the warmth and affection Bruno craved after having had his chains rattled in the park and being rebuffed by Elton John. Besides, Teddy didn't have a clue what an guish was.

[Preston, Moderator]

Teddy said, "Not tonight Bruno, I have a headache."

[Roger]

That was when Elton stuck his head around the door. "Hey Bruno! Just as well you aren't really into bears."

[Preston, Moderator]

"No thanks i don't feel like going out for a few beers."

Elton look annoyed at Bruno and said, "Well then you won't want to check out the bar where they are having the Mr. Bear Fur and Paw Pageant 2014 and they're getting ready to do the swimsuit contest judging."