The Story That Ends & Begins Again (no word limit)

[Roger]

Pegasus was also clever as gee-gees go and kept well away from water; however, in the unlikely event of a landing on water he always kept a life raft buckled in his harness, because he knew that Fish Called Wanda had a-wandering gone and fetched up with the lead in http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464154/ and he didn't fancy being turned into horse burger.

[Preston, Moderator]

michael-pale-in the-face looked on and said, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!"

[Preston, Moderator]

[Preston, Moderator]

The first ones to come before the Grand Inquisitor were the Ham brothers Terry and Gil.

[Roger]

After playing Savonarollerball with the Hams for a few jolly hours, and feeling particularly inquisitive, michael-pale-in the-face leaned forward and said: "When did you last see your father".

[Preston, Moderator]

Little Lord Fauntleroy replied, "Which one? my father, Farther Wilhelm at church, my stepfather, or our Father in Heaven? Oh heaven's these questions are so grueling and you haven't offered me anything to eat not even gruel. This is so cruel. If you continue to torture me like this I'll shall hold my breath until I turn blue and then won't you be sorry when I'm blue. You don't want to see me blue do you?"

[Roger]

The Inquisitor General turned to his aide de camp and muttered, "Didn't the Spanish painter peasant Pick-ass have a blue period?"

"Indeed he did, my Quisling, and I'm sure Little Lord Fauntleroy who stands now before you, was coloured by his brush."

In the end, it was the loud weeping of the maid standing behind the boy which drove the gentlemen of the Inquisition to despair, while Little Lord Fauntleroy, his breath held for so long he'd turned Cubist, fainted quite away.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

When he came to the Grand Inquisitor said bless you my child you are now perfect in the eyes of the church.

[Preston, Moderator]

So Blue Boy (formerly Little Lord Fauntleroy) went home having escaped torture by the Spanish Inquisition which if the truth be known he had never expected.

Once he reached his family's estate he was very happy to be home until he got to the Fauntleroy Mansion where he was promptly defenestrated and told next time they will call the Spanish Inquisition if he returns. No one recognized him in his cubist form. He decided to go to Spain and get this Pick Ass fellow to repaint him the way he was before, Gainsborough style. He hitched a ride with the Grand Inquisitor who was returning to Madrid pick up a few more instruments of torture holy truth-telling.

[Preston, Moderator]

So Blue boy went to the pick ass o fellow and demanded to be restored to to his previous Gainsborough glory which was promptly accomplished:



Up to a point then before the artist had time to finish clothing Blue Boy, the Spanish Inquisition arrived–unexpectedly.

[Roger]

Very much due to Monty Python's Flying Circus reunion plans which were advertised on TV with the "Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition" sketch, which Preston so percipiently prophesied. It was great fortune, then, that the Spanish nobleman Don Calvinus Klein was to hand with some handy and fashionable under-breeches for Blue Boy's modesty.

[Preston, Moderator]

Perhaps, as rumor had it, Preston prophesied the Spanish Inquisition sketch but he never expected it.

What to do? What to? Poor Blue Boy in CK briefs so new stood there while the Grand Inquisitor's army approached with cartloads of BDSM paraphernalia. Suddenly who should come to the rescue but Who?



Also completely unexpected.

[Roger]

And the god Doctor called upon the Angels of Mercy and Goodness to call forth the celestial Pythonesque heralds, who let free with a great trumpet blast and blew Blue Boy into the sky, safe from the grasping hands of the BDSM men of the unexpected Spanish Inquisition.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

The trumpet call heard by one and all reverberated through the improbability zone and was heard by Zaphod Beddlebrox, President of the Universe cum master criminal for the theft of the Heart of Gold.

It being so highly improbable that the Pythonesque heralds' toots would interact with the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy it became a certainly that the Heart of Gold's Infinite Improbability Drive would send a rocket (formerly owned by Vander Rocketfella of the two-line poem game) to pick up Blue Boy.

[Preston, Moderator]

Zaphod's two heads confused Blue Boy, Marvin the robot depressed him and Ford, well, Ford was British.

The Infinite Improbability Drive had strange effects on Blue Boy.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

Because it is highly improbable to meet the love of your life in outer space suddenly Blue Boy saw Pink Boy appear and it was love at first sight.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

BlueBoy was a very happy young man because after traveling the universe he finally found his perfect bott… let's just call it his HEA.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

[Roger]

[Preston, Moderator]

he tripped and fell.

[Roger]

And fell and fell, down into the deep dark underworld.

[Preston, Moderator]

It was Macy's bargain basement when everything was on sale for a fraction of the original price. Several herds of shoppers almost trampled him to death but he managed to stand right next to the two for one sale on refrigerators. Frank thought, "Why would anyone need two refrigerations?"

[Roger]

A quick check in with his memory buffer pointed out that his friend Billy had two shoes, so what was so wrong with having two refrigerators? That's when he noticed something a bit strange about the second of the two white-goods appliances (although in point of fact, both were a tasteful shade of puce, but that wasn't what was strange, and in any case is not relevant to the story). No, it was the way the computer screen on the second one kept subliminally interrupting its collating shopping list to flash "Open Me".

Since Frank knew the Ghost Rider was getting away, and there was no chance of escaping Macy's bargain basement, he decided the beckoning refrigerator was the obvious choice. Making sure no bargain hunter was watching, he pulled the door open and stepped inside…

[Preston, Moderator]

It was cold.

[Roger]

Until he pushed through the back, which opened into a thick bush and some trees, and it was hot. A strange faun-like creature straightened up from chewing some gewgerry leaves. "Hallo," it said.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

"Hi" he replied. "Have you seen a salesperson? or do you know if this runs on regular 110 volts or 220?"

[Preston, Moderator]

The goat headed man said, "naaaaaaw, but whatever you do don't let them sell you a service contract. Those things are a rip off. If there is something wrong in here it's the satyr wots probably did it" and he returned to ruminating.

[Roger]

Frank didn't want to be ripped off, he was Hardup already, but cloven-hoofed ruminants, even English-speaking ones, ought to be of more help, he reasoned. Looking around, he addressed the faun again. "This seems to be the kind of strange land which has a wicked witch somewhere."

The creature instantly ceased its gewgerry chewing, its doe-like eyes went as round as flying saucers, its delicate lips quivered. "Th-th-that will be the Ice Queen, T-T-T-T-Tilda Swine Tone."

And with a dainty leap of terror, the fawning faun disappeared with a final little bob of its fluffy tail.

Well, thought Frank, I suppose that's what you get for hiding far from the madding crowd in a Macy's refrigerator. Unfortunately, the bush through which he had earlier emerged no longer had the back of the refrigerator in it. There was nothing for it. He would have to push on in hopes of finding Ice Queen Tilda Swine Tone, or maybe Arselane the Leaping Leopard.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

Leaping leopards! It's Little Orphan Annie thought Frank. "Hey Annie, have you seen Arselene the Leaping Leopard?"

[Preston, Moderator]

Annie talked very low and slowly, "Have you seen my eyes? They are all white with no iris, no eyes! How in the name of Daddy Warbucks would I see Arselene the Leaping Leopard?"

Frank replied, "But in the comics you can see."

If Annie had eyes she would have rolled them. "Get real Frank. That's in the funny pages, this is real life!"

[Roger]

Frank, however, did have eyes—we should not forget, dear reader, that he started out chasing the ghost rider, and needed his eyes for that—so he rolled his eyes (ROFL) and rolled on the sandy floor laughing, and hoping against hope that at least Annie might offer him a frappaccino at Daddy Starbucks.

[Preston, Moderator]

A large hand reached towards him coming seemingly from nowhere and he heard a voice, "Is this self-defrosting and does it come with an ice-cube maker?" He frantically darted about try to avoid getting cut up by the monstrously long, sharp red fingernails.

[Roger]

"Pulminating pumas, Batman!" Frank thought frantically, as he dodged and ducked and downsized to avoid those wicked claws. He wished Little Orphan Annie would get her gun and deal with the Macy's bargain basement monster.

"I like my white goods—even when they're a tasteful shade of puce—to be self-regulating," came that grating voice again.

"Perhaps if modem would allow me to show her the latest Westinghouse…"

"Phew!" Frank slumped down beside a rather large talking sheep. "That was a close shave, Sean."

"Keep your sheep shearers to yerself," Sean came back snappily. "You'll need them now. Look who's coming down the path front the forest."

[Preston, Moderator]

I never would have it expected it but it's the Spanish Inquisition

Why it's Robin Hood and his Married Men! Have they gotten that domestic that they're shopping for household appliances?

[Roger]

In many respects, Frank thought to himself (well, no one else was paying attention), the Spanish Inquisition Maid Marianne Faithful would have been preferable to this rowdy bunch o' drunk marrieds looking for a refrigerator to store their frothy mead, but the good Maid was getting laid, which is to say a serving girl in the Sherif's castle was teaching her how to get a nice fire going.

Sean the talking sheep was sniffily dismissive of the Married Men's rough humor, as they kept shouting out "Mint sauce!" at him. Frank resigned himself to a cold evening spent around a warming fire, with the good cheer of a horn of mead. After a deep quaff, Robin Hood said: "Eee bah gum, that's good!"

[Preston, Moderator]

Upon hearing the shouts of mint sauce, shopper Matthew Zinfandell was suddenly drawn to the 2 for 1 Refrigerator Sale but Crashed into the fridge's door and got Zapped 64 times by a short circuit in the appliance. The light bulb in the fridge had fried its electrical wiring while trying to remember whether it was door open light off or door open light on. It wasn't the brightest bulb off the assembly line.

[Roger]

In fact, it was several sparks short of an LED, but fortunately for Mr. Zinfandell Robin's rubber hood—against which he had fallen after the first Zzap—insulated him from the worst of the effects of the short circuit. The dim light bulb had not only zzapped the fridge's wiring, it had totally fried the whole of Macy's bargain basement, leaving thousands of bargain hunters milling and moaning in the dark.

From inside the fridge, Robin Hood & his Married Men, Sean the talking sheep, Frank Hardup fastest gun in the west, and a slightly doozy Matthew Zinfandell, could distantly hear the one voice of sanity singing, "I am a lineman for the county / And I drive the main road / Searchin' in the dark for another overload."

"My God," Matthew breathed, "It's the Wichita Lineman, and he's still on the line."

[Preston, Moderator]

Wichita Lineman was an antique 1985 vintage computing game where the object was to chop down telephone poles before the lineman could complete stringing the wire. Matt grabbed the joystick and began feverishly whacking poles while Robin, the husbands, Sean, and Frank gathered round all demanding a chance to play. Each began clawing their way to the console trying to wrench the joystick from Matthew's frantic hands. Frank was particularly Hardup for the joystick.

[Roger]

So engrossed were they all in either the game or trying to get a good grip on Matthew's joystick that no one noticed the Super Marios slide into the game from the side, one in a red cap, his brother in a green one. Only Matthew—who was wearing those old-fashioned red-green 3D glasses—bring them into sufficient focus to Zzap them both.

GAME OVER shouted the gathered mob in glee. But Frank Hardup hardly heard them. Mad as hatters, he muttered, and slunk away into the impenetrable darkness that lay in the opposite direction to the gaping fridge door (which was still in darkness after dim light bulb blew its stack).

Frank wanted to find the Wicked Wizard of the West. He would know something.

[Preston, Moderator]

So he went west.

[Boyd, Hunk of hunky burning passion]

Until he came to castle with flying monkeys guarding it and he couldn't get past the vile, evil simians.

[Roger]

Nor could Frank abide their grating voices all chanting:

Now I'm the king of the swingers
Oh, the jungle VIP
I've reached the top and had to stop
And that's what botherin' me
I wanna be a man, mancub
And stroll right into town
And be just like the other men
I'm tired of monkeyin' around!

Oh, oobee doo
I wanna be like you
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see it's true
An ape like me
Can learn to be humen too…

"Horrible, just too horrible," Frank cried, as he strained to find a way through.

[Preston, Moderator]

The Lollipop Kids so very, very short but brave and compassionate relieved his auditory distress by stashing an iPod in Frank's pocket and sticking earphones on his head then scooting away as quickly as they had appeared. The song the iPod was playing was Herman's Hermits singing I'm Henry The Eighth. The lyrics "…second verse same as the first, just a little but louder and a little bit worse…" soothed Frank's way into the castle.

[Roger]

Unhindered at the gatehouse, Frank stumbled into the outer bailey and even through his earbuds he could hear the agonised voice and recognised it as belonging to rapper T.I.

Everyone thinks that I have it all / But it's so empty living behind these castle walls / These castle walls

If I should tumble, if I should fall / Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls? / There's no one here at all / Behind these castle walls.

"Oh dear," Frank said to himself (no one was still paying any attention), "it goes to show, no matter how bad you think things are, someone is always worse off."

[Preston, Moderator]

It sounded more like worse offfffffff…..as he fell down the trap door fell down the chute and landed in the dark on stone floor of a very cold and dank place. Frank reached out trying to find anything to give him a clue where he was but without light it was hopeless.

[Roger]

Very cold and very dank, drip, drip dripping… and that's when it came to him, in a moment of circularity, he was back in the purple refrigerator in the basement of Macy's. With the power fried, the ice in the icebox above was melting. Well, this is another fine mess you got me into, Oli, he thought.

[Preston, Moderator]

Sean the talking sheep said, "Baaaaaa." Wait Sean wasn't talking. Frank was startled. Little Orphan Annie had irises. The flying monkeys hung from trees by their tails while eating bananas but they had no wings. Super Mario had stopped manipulating Matthew Zinfendell's joystick and was just pixels on a video game screen.

Something was very wrong thought Frank.

"Or very right" said the not so Wicked Wizard of the West as he opened the refrigerator door, waved a hand saying, "After you Frank."

[Roger]

The relief of being back in the sane world of Macy's bargain basement proved to be short-lived, however. Frank had forgotten just how dangerous fanatic bargain hunters could be. He was barely through the fridge door when an oversized woman grabbed his arms and screamed, "I'll have this one!", and dragged him toward the sales counter.

"Would like like it gift-wrapped, madam?" the sales person asked.

"Nooo, nooo," Frank moaned, wondering what had happened to reduce a fearsome gunslinger like himself to a cheap commodity. Deep down inside, he really blamed Stephen King.

[Preston, Moderator]

Frankly Frank was Hardup.