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The Story That Ends & Begins Again (no word limit)
message 251:
by
Roger
(new)
Sep 11, 2013 12:56AM
"…when you get back, darling," said Jack, "can you pop into Tesco and get me some Wall's Cumberland Porker Sausages, the ones in the blue pack." Which wasn't quite the toast Davey was expecting, especially as he preferred own-brand peanut butter on his.
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So Davey called Tesco HQ (and as their largest shareholder) told them to remove all the Cumberland Porker Sausages from all stores and replace them with candy and flowers with peanut butter until Jack brought him the sweets and the flowers not forgetting the peanut butter and an apology.
Jack, who was, after all, only a common and garden tar (or common and backyard tar), had never seen or tasted peanut butter before,but when he read the word "butter" he remembered how to use it, for he had once seen Last Tango in Paris when he was at art school.
[gardens are planted inside people's yards which also may contain a well-kept lawn and trees not to mention swimming pools]Moving right along so as not to offend the kiddies, Jack only needed just a taste of this nut butter which blew him away! Next to the flowers and chocolates in a heart shaped red box was a display of Bertolucci's Peanut Butter but it was the chunky kind which Jack thought was a BDSM brand so he skipped it and just went home where Davey saw there was no candy, no flowers and worst of all no peanut butter so in a rage he shot Jack fifty-three times in the heart which made his accidental discharge defense a hard sell to the jury as he sat in court listening to the prosecutor saying very bad things about Davey.
By his side as a character witness was Billy Two Shoes. It was time for Billy to take the stand and testify to Davey's good moral character and largess in sharing his peanut butter with really smoking hot hunky guys.
ADA Alan Snickerson the jurors saying "This man who shot his lover in a fit of peanut butter rage is a complete psychopath who will kill again and again until you, the jury, put him away for good or show him the value of a good commercial lube. It is up to you ladies and gentlemen. What will be life in prison without parole or Wet Platinum?Wet Platinum brand lubricant, from their premium line is also long lasting and latex free. This is a guaranteed hit for your intimate needs and unlike the silicone-based Eros which can stain bedding, Wet Platinum is water-based."
1⅜ of an hour of deliberation later, the Jury returned to the box and the clerk handed the verdict to the judge and then returned it to the foreman who read it to the courtroom. "We the Jury find that Wet Platinum was not enough to rehabilitate this man because he has a wee bit of a temper without the right lube. Since the inferior Wet Platium and life in prison were the only options we were given we find in need a of a little life in prison even though we are told they use soap in prison and that can dry your skin.
May God have mercy on your soul and stock some moisturizer in the prison commissary.
We considered that Liquid Silk is creamy and long-lasting! What more can you ask for? Liquid Silk is also lightweight for a natural feeling.
But no. The Snickmeister prosecutor is sticking hard and fast to the gooey Platinum instead of our lightweight nonstick preference of Liquid Silk.
So send Davey Eastern our message if you don't have the right lube you get life behind bars, not in the dark alleys between bars where you always see that Rogue fellow who we feel is really such a nice young man and thrifty too—if spit don't work then just screw it.
Davey knew all about Liquid Silk which he sold in specially marked jars of peanut butter next to the chocolate candy in heart shaped boxes along with flowers in Tesco.
Being prepared for this outcome Davey turned on the time machine and jumped to 2013 to the bakery at Tesco where he had time warped Jack some time ago. He and Jack hugged and kissed passionately as Dave poured some Liquid Silk out of the specially marked jar of peanut butter.
Davey Eastern never wanted to kill Jack so he time machined him to the future in the bakery while Davey took out his frustration with shooting a gun full of water. He had some ideas on how to really use that squirt gun on Jack Tar later that evening but for now it was all celebrating with Champagne and polenta.
[ Where did Macky come from…? ]Such is the beauty of a fully working Time Machine—any dreadful act entered into may be erased at the flick of a switch, or the twitch of a mouse. Which is when Davey's sister Enema… no Emena… no, no, Emma, sailed into the room and took charge of the squirt gun.
No one new she was into water sports unit she filled the squirt gun.
Emma smiled sweetly as she went about tiding the house and redecorating day in and day out. She rearranged the furniture and changed the decor so frequently that Davey kept thinking he was a visitor in in a succession of houses.
Which actually, he was, because sweet overworked Emma had figured out the time machine's workings and had been flipping Davey in and out of time a bit to get him out of the way of her Dyson vacuum cleaner with its unique Vorticist Sterile Rotary-Vertical cleaning action.
So that's the way it went for 17 hours when a Jehovah's Witness knocked on the door and talked to Emma for 17 hours before she sent him back to the turn of the century — from 1 BC to 1 AD so he could find out about Jehovah and Emmanuel for himself.
Which raised that thorny question again—whatever happened to 0 BC, or AD 0? For this, Emma decided she needed to travel back in time and place to Bern and the trams and find good old Alfred Einstein (she had no time for his older brother).Poor Davey, came around to find his time machine vanished and in this alternate reality, it appeared that Wicked Wallmart had acquired Tesco and wiped out his shares. The whole business had the Cohen brothers turning in their Highgate Cemetery mausoleums.
After the Coen Brothers built Mausoleum Mansion Manor Estates on the old deconsecrated cemetery land and turned a humungous profit the bothers produced a hugely financially successful movie that starred their former co-shareholder Davey with his hair dyed and and slicked back and looking scruffy but sexy with a mustache (looking a lot like George Clooney) in a blockbuster called O Brother Where Art Thou? Davey sang the international hit song I am a Man of Constant Sorrow. Listen/see at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08e9k-...In this parallel world it seems Davey made a lot of money acting under the name of that Clooney feller as down the road he drove in his Astin Martin V12 Coupe he sadly sang,
"For six long years I've been in troubleIndeed on this earth that wasn't his earth by some warp thingie, he had not friends. He tried to make friends on Goodreads in the Complaint Department but all the cool kids were playing this story game and he couldn't make head or tail of it so he didn't know how to jump in and grab a GR friend. He had been pressing the friend button on his Kindle but to no avail.
No pleasure here on Earth I found
For in this world I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now
He sat down and cried.
Aaww, that's so sad.He cried a long time, until he noticed another small button which had escaped his attention. It read, EAT ME. Davey prized it free and popped it in his mouth. His Kindle expanded and expanded until it grew in to a full-sized iPad, then a laptop (Pro or Air, he couldn't tell), and then into a 27-inch desktop Mac which swallowed him up into a changing world of white, yellow, blue, pink, green, all the sicky colors of the new iPone 5. And that's when he thought he heard the sounds of a jolly tea party… and saw a Mad Hatter seated at the head of a table groaning with jolly food.
"Been here before, i think," Davey said to himself.
"Wasn't that in the Everwendind Story No Word Limit I saw on Goodreads when I was trying to make friends in the Complaint Department?" he pondered. "I think I should avoid that one since I'm perfectly happy with with the size I am… well, I could use…you know."Nobody knew because he was all alone in a puddle of tears.
He decided to build another time machine.
Davey Eastern's new machine was the Rolls Royce of time machines, the Lincoln Townhouse of a brute, with the strength of a Hummer in the hands of Arnold Smarmynegger, Bruce Willies, Chuck It Up Norris, Brussels with Mussels, God van Damn and Slimey Stallion all rolled into one – not forgetting Kurt Russell, Bruce Lee, Dollop von Lundgren, The Stath (a nasty throat you get from that), and Jet Li.He knew it would take some handling, this one, but Davey was man enough for the job. He sure was…
ready to roll because in that instant he used the time machine to go to...
2001, where the local Pan-Am spaceliner was departing for Moonbase-1 from J.F.K. As an expert on weird technology (I mean, just check out the new Tesco tablet, set to knock Apple off its branch and turn Google into an android – to be announced later this week: Watch The Space), Davey's been asked to check out the strange goings on in a crater near the base, where some giant ape has thrown a bone, which has turned into an obsidian block which no one can drill into without it emitting a high-pitched squeal.Davey's nervous, and with good reason, he was only just the other day reading a novel by Arthur C. Clarke…
"An obelisk?" His name was really Zoroaster and his friends called him Zo. He wrote the Yasna Haptanghaiti and the Gathas but he failed to get copyrights so poor Zo was really poor. He was so poor that as a kid his mother couldn't afford toys so she just gave Zo rocks to play with. He use to pretend his favorite rock, the real flat one, was a thousand feet tall.
He was going to write the another book More Gathas but he mother made him write thanks you notes to all his relatives who sent him rocks for his birthday. Poor Zarathustra stuck in his room all day writing thank you notes on the computer Davey Eastern gave him one day when he stopped by on his time machine.
When he finished his thank you letters, Zo started to write down his thoughts in seven chapters but it ended up being a book for all and a book for none, which was confusing to say the least, and his mother, who was so poor, told him it was a load of Kant anyway.
But surprisingly it turned out that Kant was quite popular so Zo sent a draft to Smashingsuperwords an up and coming publishers who realised the potential of a book that was a load of Kant and when It became a best seller, having sold a grand total of 13 they sold the rights to Metro Goldwyn Mayer who made it into a blockbuster starring David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. Zo had a supporting roll playing himself which pleased his mother a lot because he gave her 10% of the box office takings which amounted to the grand total of twenty five quid so she wasn't quite as poor anymore.
Zo's mom nipped down to Tesco quick as a flash, loaded now with philosophical royalties, telling all who'd listen that she no longer needed to worry about whether this BOGOF was better value than the BOGTSAHP (buy one get the second at half price). But little did she realise, she was only boosting Tesco profits and making Davey Eastern a tidy sum to spend on his Temporal Displacement Vehicle Mk III.
The use of the word vehicle cause the registration people in Swansea shout in loud wails that they had no registration forms for time machines so it took them three months to design and print the form and another three to process it. Davey couldn't take possession of his Temporal Displacement Vehicle Mk III until the TDV Mark IV had been on sale in Time Machine Showrooms throughout The Isle of Man. THe Lord of Mann had ordered a vehicle for herself so she could go back to the time when she used to work on Jeeps during the war. She was happy as a mechanic and thought fondly and often of that sexy, greasy sergeant in the motor pool.
But when the vehicle arrived and she took her much anticipated trip back in time she sadly found that her memories of the sexy, greasy seargent in the motor pool were not quite as she remembered. He was in fact not half as sexy as she had thought or quite greasy enough as her fetish for all things slick had increased over the years to the point where she liked her men to be so greasy that you couldn't see anything but a walking grease pole so she decided to trade in her Temporal Displacement Vehicle MK III for a Mini Cooper where she met Ron Thistlethwaite the greasiest mechanic she'd ever come across and it was love at first slippy handshake. The time Machine was snatched up by Professor Donall McClachlan who wanted to go back in time to prove his theory that man did not evolve from the ape but had in fact evolved from the lesser spotted ten toed tree sloth a creature that was reputed to very slowly walk the earth or just hang about in trees watching the prehistoric world go by in the Cenozoic Era, he based this theory on the fact that too many of modern day man had become couch potatoes but really he just had a secret liking for Sloths.
Since the Queen holds the title Lord of the Isle of Mann per agreement with the Isle of Man and the Crown it caused quite a stir when she lingered while shaking hands with Ron Thistlethwaite the greatest mechanic she'd ever come across but that was nothing compared to the hubbub cause by her driving a Mini Cooper which mussed her hair so BMC gave her a more regal vehicle, the 1964 Wolseley 6/110 series 2. Professor Donall McClachan was beaten senseless by a great ape 66 million years ago and died in the loving arms of a spotted ten toed tree sloth.
The time machine had a "Find my iPhone" app on it and thus was retrieved by Davey Eastern the longest running guest star in two Everwending Stories and main character in this particular and peculiar incarnation of The Story That Ends & Begins Again.
He used it to return to the bakery department at Tesco in Ludlow at a time before the Time Machine was invented and got so immersed in his work he forgot all about time and indeed did live..
there was a...
…a somewhat grim brother who wrote fairy tales for a living, but somehow he never got very far because no one bought into his fantasy world. His older brother was equally grim, to be honest, quite a bit grimmer actually, and he spotted the problem. The younger Grim's tales were universally gloomy, unhappy things in which children were regularly turned into Cornish Pasties in a meat grinder by some ugly witch; or little girls on their way ill-advisedly through the dark woods at night, got eaten up by a wolf (or was it a werewolf?)."What you need," said Grim the Elder, "is a… er… HEA ending."
Younger Grim had no idea what this could possibly be. "And they all lived happily ever after, you dolt," said bigger Grim, which surprised the younger, since he preferred endings like… …and the last they saw of little Jimmy Cricket was his left sneaker, still with his foot in it, disappearing down the giant's gaping gullet." (Fond of alliteration, as well).
As we all know, Older Grim had his way with his younger brother (who was dressed in a twinset), and so they multiplied their names and became the Brothers Grimm.
But that was just the start…
by Richbecause it was a pleasant evening. One had expected a dark and stormy night.
How many feet would he travel before the night was through? Right or left feets. Two left feet, very strong. Feat of strength all night long.
His strange plan had been to travel
then his plan began to unravel .....when
They chanced upon Rumpelstiltskin who told them about spinning straw into gold for the young woman and how he almost got her firstborn child but she outwitted him and guessed his name. The Brothers thought this was odd thing so that night they wrote the event in a diary. The next day they took their usual postprandial walk and they saw a woman with long golden hair. Her hair was so long she needed twelve handmaidens to carry it behind her. She told them about being locked in a tower and letting down her hair so the prince could climb up to rescue her and make her his wife. That night they wrote what Rapunzel had told them. The next day they met Cinderella and the day after they talked to Sleeping Beauty.
Every time they met someone they wrote down their encounter in the diary. Soon they had a diary full of all the interesting people they met.
They were delighted to know so many fascinating events that happened to the friends they made on their walks but they didn't have any luck writing fairy tales . "Alas, if only people would buy stories about real people we could write stories about our friends" said the younger brother. The the older brother mumbled something about consent forms and releases, contracts and copyrights so they were never able to write a book.
Many years later...
.. the Brothers Grimm met Hands Cripin Wanderson a travelling tale teller like themselves who kept nattering on about a duckling who was a bit fugly and a kid who had a small thumb or something on those lines which got those Grimm brothers a wee bit hot under their Grimm collars because they'd written a story about a little guy called Tom, who was about the size of a thumb.. The younger Grimm wanted that story to end with Tom suffocating inside a giant rampaging glove that belonged to a wicked witch who hated thumb sized people with a passion but bigger Grimm rolled his eyes and gave it a HEA by having Tom marry the cute little guy who lived inside the pinky finger of the rampaging glove. They sued Hands Crispin Wanderson for copyrite theft and won. Hands learned his lesson and wrote a best seller about a mattress, a small green veg and some picky whinging prince who had to resort to sticking said green veg under said mattress to find a woman who would put up with him. Younger Grimm secretly wanted to rewrite it so that a group of marauding Zombie witches stormed the castle and ate everyone's brains with a purée made from the said green vegetable but bigger Grimm just rolled his eyes again and they carried on their journey through the deep dark forest till they arrived at...
the gingerbread house. A witch had just put some children in the oven and offered the brothers tea. They thanked her and ate everything she placed before them. The old witch said, "You two are such big eaters you'll eat me out of house and home." Still hungry the younger brother Wilhelm went to the oven to get the children for by now they should be well roasted and ready to eat. But the older Grimm brother, Jacob had long ago freed the boy and girl, gave them the witches treasure and sent them home in a fine horse and sleigh.
So Wilhelm started munching on the gingerbread house along with all it edible furnishings. The old witch was indeed eaten out of house and home and it wasn't long before she died of starvation.
Back at the Grimm residence the brothers wrote this event too in their diary but they did not want to appear gluttonous, so they changed the story slightly so that the children tricked the witch into the oven then escaped with her treasure.
Wilhelm said to Jacob, what happened to our sister Macky Grimm? Jacob said she had written stories in a very strange place in a far off land. He couldn't pronounce the name but it was called: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/1...
Grimmm (raised to the Power of Three (a Brandon Fox short story waiting to happen)) is a terrible force — worse than a cyclonic hurricane or a typhonic typhoon, more terrifying and awe-inspiring than a Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich disaster movie, more impenetrable than anything Jean-Luc Gaoddard ever filmed, more enigmatic than Antonionionioni's Blow Up, blacker, bleaker, and prettier than a Pier Paolo Pasolini poem of pusillanimity — in short, worrying…
So worrisome in fact, that all the evil factions got together and formed O.G.R.E ( Off All Grimmms And Reclaim Evil ) which obviously should have been O.A.G.A.R.E but that sounded stupid, didn't scan and wasn't snappy enough! O.G.R.E sent their most evil operative... Crumpledskinflint (Rumples second cousin, thrice removed ) and his poisoned knitting needles on which he was presently knitting a balaclava that when worn would not only be extremely Toxic but would also axphysiate the unlucky recipient!
The power of three Grimmms had to be dissolved or evil was in danger of .....HAPPY EVER AFTER OVERKILL!!!!
Meanwhile back at the Grimmm residence ....
The phone rang. It was Mother Goose's agent wanting to negotiate rights to Wee Willie Winkie Wither Will I Wander on a deal to turn the nursery rhyme into a fairytale. Wilhelm wanted to keep the line "upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber" but Jacob insisted on editing that part out.
His reasoning was that it sounded too nice, too chintzy-cosy, and not at all the kind of thing to get up O.G.R.E.'s snit. Jacob insisted on including: "There I met an old man, Who wouldn't say his prayers, So I took him by his left leg And threw him down the stairs. The stairs went crack, He nearly broke his back. And all the little ducks went, 'Quack, quack, quack'!"It turned out that Mother Goose's agent was quite happy about this, since she knew her client loathed ducklings, unless slow-roasted on a spit with a marinade of lemon and thyme and served with a side order of Simon and Gerfinkel.
Crumpledskinflint came knocking at the Grimm's door looking natty in a balaclava. Wilhem opened the door and saw a little wrinkled man and thought he was a traveling salesman selling knitting needles so he tried to slam the door but Crumpledskinflint had his foot in it. His foot was now very crumpled and he went hobbling away silently vowing to return.
... With a high powered poisonous knitting machine and a face and body lift. By hook or by crook he would infiltrate the Grimm inner sanctum even if he had to bring backup in the shape of his estranged twin brothers Pimplefilledskin and Stumpyshinsplint who were trained in the art of poison filled ballon modelling and poison arrow blowpipe the tail on the donkey. So he set off back to O.G.R.E. Headquarters to report back to the most famous poisoner of them all..... Grizzle-elda Beeeatch aka The Wicked Queen from Snow White who wouldn't except failure from anyone, even though her apple trick had failed miserably, but no one was brave enough to bring that up for fear of finding one of her toffee apples in their O.G.R.E. lunch boxes
Or, indeed, a nice plumptious apple turnover. The last time anyone saw Rumpledbaileyfoot, he was trotting along the woodland path happily munchkin on one of the Wicked Queen's apple turnovers, when the puff pasty wrapping fluffed up, opened out and gobbled Rumpledbaileyfoot in one go. While many saw him come, only one witnessed his going… and Mother Goose wasn't telling.
Which was a shame because Jacob had another brilliant kick ass, blood guts and glory story about that in his head but shelved it it when Wilhelm wanted to make the end of the story into one of his HEA's, which would go like this:Apple Turnover spits Rumpledbaileyfoot out who then kisses the ravenous puff pastry monstrosity in gratitude.
Kiss breaks a spell and evil pastry turns into previously enchanted handsome prince who in turn kisses the evil out of our Rumpled little goblin, sends him for a complete body makeover including full facial transplant, nips tucks and veneers and then proceeds to woo the new and improved Notsorumpledbaileyfoot till he agrees to marry him.... And they all live Happily Ever bah blah blah
After miming sticking his fingers down the back of his throat behind Wilhelms back, this was enough to make the younger Grimm turn his thoughts towards joining O.G.R.E.
Jacob was now solidly a HAE advocate will Wilhelm was an OGRE agent. Needless to say this caused a rift between the brothers. It was a large rift about 50 yards wide and seemingly bottomless (both Grimm brothers were tops.) Unfortunately that was the day the Pied Piper led the Children out of Hamlin. Even more unfortunately the road out of Hamlin passes through the Grimm Bros. property where the entire swarm of children was swallowed up by the rift. Jacob laughed to see them all tripping and flopping over each other and go tumbling oven into the abyss which made Wilhelm think his brother my be a real Grimm after all thus closing the rift.
Edward and Wilhelm read this and never wrote another fairy tale:http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/2013...
Ulysses truly loves Penelopebut he's sick and needs a colostomy
when they looked inside a huge cavern
with a shop, a bank and a tavern
laying around a batch of movie props
including a giant inflatable Cyclops
Preston wrote: "So Philip Pullman wrote them instead.http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainme..."
I so love our BBC. The link gives me this:
"BBC Worldwide (International Site)
We're sorry but this site is not accessible from the UK as it is part of our international service and is not funded by the licence fee. It is run commercially by BBC Worldwide, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the BBC, the profits made from it go back to BBC programme-makers to help fund great new BBC programmes. You can find out more about BBC Worldwide and its digital activities at www.bbcworldwide.com"
We apologise for this disruption, normal service will be resumed as soon as possible…
Jacob and Wilhelm (the brother at the helm, as in… "A brand new epic, Jack and the Beanstalk is helmed by block-busting W. Grimm who brought us box-office-record-breaking Thor Loves Loki…) had never heard of Penelope let alone the unpronounceable Ul– Uly – Says, something, although Jacob did confess to using a giant inflatable Cyclops for something unmentionable, which had led to the poor thing letting off a lot of air, which he'd usefully used to power his organ, which had given the Pied Piper the idea of leading all those poor innocents to their gruesome end in the rift."I suppose," Wilhelm (the brother at the helm, as in… "A brand new epic, The Princess and the Pea is helmed by block-busting W. Grimm who brought us box-office-record-breaking Thor Divorces Loki…) said with evident reluctance, "we could always turn to the Greeks for a myth or two, you know? Give the Nordo-teutonics a rest for a bit, switch from the dark, gloomy, dire forests of the North to the wide, sunny wine-colored sea islands?"
"You can do that, Wil… (No, I'm not doing the movie plug again)… if you want, but me, I'm off down the Elven Pub for a gin and teutonic, thanks."
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