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The Story That Ends & Begins Again (no word limit)
message 201:
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Preston, Moderator
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Aug 04, 2013 04:13PM
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Once upon a time machine...Davey Eastern woke up at the usual time, for his life ran like clockwork, and noticed there was a time machine in his bedroom. He would have liked to investigate it but if he didn't stick to his strict schedule he would be late for his job at the bakery.
It was a dilemma—knead some dough and bake some bread or take his life in his kneading hands and travel to… where? Bread, of course, is important, but really the decision was a forgone conclusion—the almond slices and Viennese whirls would have to wait until he got back… but from where?
To 1619 in Ludlow where the King was about to pound a nail into the inn called Feathers. Davey followed His Royal Highness inside to lunch to see what bread was fit for royalty. Satisfied he moved ahead in time to 1919 to a market stall in London where he bought a half share of the company Jack Cohen was about to create called Tesco. Back to the present, now quite rich with all his shares of Tesco. Still he went to work and recreated King James the 1st's majestic bread exactly the way he saw prepared in 1619.So he named it King James Bread and the crusty bread redolent with yeast and flax seed oil was an instant hit. "Good job Davey" said the store manager and added that there would be something extra in his paycheck. Once payday came he opened his pay envelope and found a little something extra. A condom and a phone number.
It took a while to find out what the phone number meant, for he'd never seen its like until he remembered once watching an ancient Hitchcock movie called Dial M for Murder where someone (he thought) dialed WHItehall 2514. So this gave him a sort of timeframe—1950s London. A city of pea-souper fogs and men smoking fags and presumably lacking in personal protection, that other something "extra". A time too, he knew from his reading, when no one knew how to make proper bread, as all the bakers used the Chorleywood Process.Was it time for a change?
Yes it was time for a change of time. So he went to 1969 attended an antiwar rally, went to a Jimi Hendrix concert, and became part of the student strike.
But the time machine mafunctioned and suddenly he was flung back in time to the 1940's where he was transformed into Private Dick Preston " Pretty Boy " Boyd ... Man of action, master of disguise and lover extroidinaire and it was film noire time.......It was night and the shadows played across the walls of my shabby office. I'd never seen shadows playing Monopoly, but theres a first time for everything. I'd just put my last case to bed, it was a kingsize and he was sleeping when I left and was celebrating with my nightly Dirty martini ( One of these days I was going to wash my glass )When the door swung open and he walked into my life. Six foot four inches of sizzle. They say don't touch anything too hot but I wanted to burn my fingers bad on this hot tamale!
" Hey Toots, I hear you're a Dick for hire" his voice was like maple syrup on a slice of bacon with hash browns on the side, grits and two eggs over easy. I was suddenly hungry and sausages flashed into my head. Mmmmmmm nothing like a thick link!
He poured himself into my chair like a tall drink of Sex On The Beach. My favourite cocktail. I was a goner. This guy was dangerous for my health and my insurance had lapsed but I wanted to breathe him in like an airborne virus... He was giving me a fever and the only cure was a love injection.
" I need your help and I need it now. My names Phillip Mc'Cracken but you can call me Phil."
I just wanted to call him mine but times were hard and I needed the moolah!
" Okay Phil, I'm interested" I stretched my legs out in front of me and balanced them on the corner of my desk. " What's buzzin' cousin. "
" Ya gotta help me Pretty Boy. I'm an escort at " The Twilight lounge Lizard " and some wise guy has glommed the clubs mascot, ' The Maltese Budgie ' a 24 carat gold trophy that's due to be presented in two weeks time at the juke joints annual ball. They're pointing the finga at me and makin' me the patsy. I swear on the lap of Errol Flynn I ain't guilty. "
It was no good he, flashed these baby blues and I knew I was taking on this case. He was innocent, nobody could jerk my chain without me knowing. I had the intuition to match my looks... Sharp and finely honed. This was it I was officially on the trail of The Maltese Budgie....
[@ Macky – I said help out, not blow out!]It was night, because in Noir it's always night – who needs day to blow the cobwebs away? Anyway, the night was blacker than the inside of the Eighth Avenue Line between Washington and 14th when there's a power outage, when who should I slam into but none other than the famous writer Dashing Hammer.
"Hey, Pretty, I hear you're on the trail of some bird what escaped a cruel soon on an island in the Me- Medi- some s••t sea over Europe way."
"You know what this town's like, Dash. Word's out soon as a budgie outta the cage."
Dash taps the side of his long nose in that irritatingly knowing way he has, bit like a chandler outta his rope shop, leans in so last night's garlic snails tickle my buds. "Pretty," he says, ever knowingly, "you do yourself a favor. Go see the Fat Man."
And off into the sty- styg- very dark night he goes. The Fat Man, I muse. He must mean the mean Sidney "Leafy" Greenroad. Boy, I could do with a time machine to solve this mess of a case.
Blowing hard, I set off myself. Little did I know what lay in store.
( @Roger..,sorry got carried away ) It was still night, was it ever day in noir? I took a powder and set off to find the fat man. I wondered how fat he was going to be and my stomach churned I'd heard rumours about this guy and they weren't Pretty! I was, I was very pretty. That's why they called me Pretty boy. If I'd been ugly I'da been called Ugly boy but I wasn't... However, I digress.
The fat man! I hadda find this Chrome dome ( he was bald and fat! ) and the only place I could think to go first was Charlie The weasels pawn shop on Hitchcock lane. This got me musing again, I was a good muser. If I was Pretty, and the fat man was fat.... Did that make Charlie a real weasel, could weasels talk? How was I gonna make a weasel tell me were the fat man was? I was worried ...
I needed answers and I needed them fast. If I had a time machine I could have this case finished in the blink of an eye and be back in the office with my tall drink of sexy water... But wait that would mean I was just going to end up starting the case again.
My brain was hurting, I was getting into the realms of space time continuums and paradox's. I needed to cool down and ease up.
I peered through the darkness and saw the street sign " Hitchcock lane " I was here and I could see The weasels balls hanging outside the pawnshop... They were big. I guess this weasel ain't a small furry animal. I pushed the door open and the bell rung.
" Hey gumshoe, shut the door ya big galoop! This ain't a barn! "
I was on alert. He called me gumshoe, it was a trap! Someone had flapped his lips and thrown me in the lions den. Dang nabbit! This was bad business and I needed to know who the Weasel was in cahoots with so I made like a dumb broad and played it cool. Something about this case was shadier than I thought and it was darker than the blackness of the noir. I had to think fast.......
[you two keep up this level of glorious writing and we will have to move it to both Mistress Macky and Roger Kean and his Books... I can't play becuz I'm outta my league with you two composing detailed geniusosity ]
Preston wrote: "[you two keep up this level of glorious writing and we will have to move it to both Mistress Macky and Roger Kean and his Books... I can't play becuz I'm outta my league with you two composing deta..."Aww I don't want to stop you playing P... I'm just googling 40's sang! Lol. ;)
Mistress Macky just has so much Mucky pouring from her febrile imagination, Preston, and < loud aside > I'm sure she will reign in the pouring of her geniusosity to let some of the less brainy time travelers get a word in sideways, < another loud aside: won't she? > :-))… I had to think fast, but in the blink of an eye, I was no longer Private Dick Preston " Pretty Boy" Boyd because I had been whisked back to the third-person…
Davey Eastern woke up at the usual time, for his life ran like clockwork, and noticed there was a time machine in his bedroom. A faint drift of noirish black mist dribbled from partly open door before disseminating in the fresh breeze coming from his open window. And with that came the delicious scent of baking bread. "My goodness," Davey thought, "I'm late for work."
He threw on his clothes (a business that always reminded him of Wallace in The Wrong Trousers) and tried to dash out. But at that moment, the time machine burped loudly. Davey stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly, and saw emerging from the contraption a…
Davey screamed!
Lol! < course she will > It was a giant spider wearing a top hat and eight back and white patent Spatz shoes on the end its its eight long bendy legs! Arrrrgh! He hated spiders but before he could turn and run the spider started to tap dance and sing " Dancing Cheek To Cheek " .....
Fred and Ginge waltzed slowly out from the time machine's portal and to Davey's huge relief (for he was a terrible arachnophobe) three-stepped the tap-dancing spider under the soles of their terpsichorean pumps.Now he was very late for work at the bakery, but as Fred sang mellifluously "I'm in heaven and my heart beats so fast I can hardly speak…" Davey realized he had the answer. Of course! He nipped through the portal, spun the levers, dials, and rubber tit things. It took him about ten minutes to configure the damned controls, but which time Fred outside was discussing the difference between tomahto and tomayto, but then he was done. He touched the GO control and spun himself fifteen minutes into the past. But shock horror, that just took him back where he started.
He jumped out of the way, as the tap-dancing spider materialized and shot out into the room. Quick as a flash, Davey reset the controls for half an hour earlier and so made it to work on time!
Wasn't Davey Eastern a clever lad?
Then he realized he was a billionaire who owned half of Tesco's stock thanks to the time machine so he quit work and returned home only to find...
Tesco's You Shop, We Drop grocery van was pulled up outside with a bundle of ready-made frozen Doctor Oetker pizzas for him. Sponsor's note: Other makes of pizza are available.) The poor man could hardly cope with carrying them in, and when he had placed the boxes on Davey's kitchen counter, the poor Tesco online shopping delivery man had turned to a block of ice.Even a billionaire has to eat junk food sometimes, but what on earth was he to do with a frozen employee?
Davey E. decided to crate him up and ship him to Hawaii for a nice long holiday. Lent was longish so he sent him on 40 days right before the Easter holiday. By the time the deliveryman enjoyed life in the sun, beachside buffet, happy hour, and a complimentary breakfast, he would forget all about having been frozen thus holding down costs for a Workers Compensation claims despite the poor guy having lost his toes and nose to frostbite.Once back the deliveryman considered applying for workers comp but kept on thinking back of that complimentary breakfast. "My look you a bit of alright today" said the eggs. The bacon added,"Yes his nubs, I mean his nibs, is looking quite fit. Finer that frogs hair he is." So he forgot all about filing a claim against Tresco.
Sighing with relief at his beloved grocery store's narrow escape (it should be noted that Tesco sells just about everything in selected stores and basically owns Thailand, though not such a success in the United States of Americy) at the hands of a comp claim — commercial break for "We Are Injury Lawyers 4 You" — Davey E. climbed wearily through the time machine's portal again, settled back on the Victoria-stitch couch and pondered on where to travel next.It was the unmistakeable tap-tap-tapping of the tap-dancing arachnid that decided him. He punched the button and…
"Yes Mr. Eastern?" came the cheery chirp of his secretary on the intercom. "You buzzed sir?" "Yes I buzzed. Then you answered the intercom then asked, "You buzzed sir." I don't mind telling you I have had a few drinks but I'm definitely not buzzed. Not enough anyway. Get me...
…Templemead 3456, and make it snappy.The other end rang twice, like the postman's knocks, and then the other party picked up. "Good morning, this is the party of the first part and I presume you are the party of the second part?"
This pretty much threw Davey, who decided his secertery had put him through to the wrong exchange. "Which part of which party are you referring to, sir?"
"Well, not the party if the third part… brrrrr
Davey fling the phone down in disgust and though to himself how useful it would be to scoot into a future where they had mobile type phones. Now that's an idea, he thought. After all I have billions of Tesco shares to fund it…
So into the future he on his time machine and back towing along several million cell phones. Now all he had to do was reverse engineer the cell phones, build cell towers throughout England, distribute the phone then figure out how to call someone without a telephone book. So back to the future he went to figure out how everyone was calling each others without phonebooks which is when he found out about the Internet. He asked around who was the best person to talk to about this strange technology. Everyone said Al Gore. So Al Gore got on the Time machine and Davey took him back in time to his two-door house where he and Gore settled on Victoria-stitch couch and they invented the Internet. To this day Al talks about inventing the Internet but he never mentions it was with the help of a wealthy Tesco investor/baker and a time machine.
Hello this is Captain Jean Luc Picard. I'm not in this story but I thought I remind you that the reason Starfleet has the Prime Directive is to prevent catastrophic results from interfering with the timeline of a civilization so don't go around mixing up the timing of inventions or you could end up not being born or in my case have your show cancelled and replaced by a mere woman. Oh yes, their was a good reason I never had a girlfriend on Startrek the Next Generation, no I was a not pervert like so many of you people but a simple misogynist. Some empath. Counselor Troy never guessed how much I hated her being on the bridge.
Davey turned they cell phones into kid's toys (walkie talkies) and gave them away. With the cell towers he set up his own radio broadcast station and WEAT Food Radio where he entertained the audience with endless recitations of baked goods' recipes. He rather enjoyed life as a radio personality and considered making a career of it.
It kind of shows just how empty a life can be when you are the owner of so many Tesco shares that Davey Eastern (when he wasn't being David Western in the Newsfield Years) should want to fill his empty days with being a radio personality, when he cold have been popping back in time to prevent things like world wars, local conflicts, the Thirty Years War, the Hundred Years War, the burning of the Salem Witches (and Stephen King thinking up other horrid things to happen in Salem). On the other hand, just think what that might mean for the global population…Good Davey. Radio sleb.
Fame is fleeting so the by the sixteenth time he had given out the recipe for hardtack his listenership dropped to one. Miles Burgher von Hardtack was in love with that recipe and the radio host who recited it so often.
Miles, one of the infamous Höhenstauffen ßchleswig Holstein Hardtckens, loved his Hamburghers, and indeed had, back in the late 19th century, invented the first patty of ground cured pork meat—the famous ham burger. It broke his heart when his fellow Hamburgers rejected the flavor because they wasn't "Lovin' It" enough, and instead the egregious Ludwig von Beefhofen, in between composing various airs for the bass fiddle, switched the ham content for his favorite ground beef, and this is the version he took with him to the U.S. of A. when he was asked to perform at NY's terribly famous Carniverous Hall.This was the kind of real history Davey loved when he flitted to and fro in his General Motors V8 Time Machine.
Davey took a spin in his General Motors V8 Time Machine to August 31st in 2013 and deleted the terribly brilliant next part of the story Preston had posted as message #228 and replaced it with this:"Davey Wuz Here."
Which famous Swiss thinker, writer, archeologist, and all-around good guy Erich von Däniken mistook for a message from the Gods. The book he subsequently wrote had Davey completely fooled, and for several weeks Davey kept on confusing his Tesco check-out £5 off your next shop coupons for extraterrestrial communications.
[Recent report on CNN say scientists claim life started on Mars and fell to Earth.]Davey was always missing Tesco board meetings and shareholders meetings because he was using the Mayan calendar.
This cost him several birthday cakes and parties and presents because his leap year February 29th birthdate was not on the Mayan calendar. Well it wasn't on the calendar Pope Gregory had Dennis the Lesser create either. Dennis flunked arithmetic because he ha no concept of zero.
Davey did, though (probs because of all those Tesco board meetings he did make before adopting the Mayan calendar), but he had a problem with when the 21st century really began. Was it at the stroke of midnight (GMT, natch) 1999/2000, or was it really the same but a year later? All the other shareholders insisted it was on the dawn of 2000, but Davey then said that meant the big J.C. was a year old when he was born, and that gave them a headache thinking about it.
Davey wanted to see the Mayan calendar in person so he bought a ticket to fly to Maya. Later he frequently warned people about buying plane tickets from street vendors.
A man came up and asked him, "Who put the Yukka in Yucatán?" Davey realized he was faced with an unusually tricky riddle and began to wish he hadn't bought a cheap stand-by airline ticket to Mayaland. He bid a fond farewell to Chichén Itzá and dashed to Cancun for a rest.
Everyone said it was for the best. They still remember when he had a yen for hot and spicy hispanic food so he bought a ticket to Chile.
Which threw him a curved ball from the outfield (or something) when this woman rushed up and asked him "Honey, chile?"
I'm no child. I'm… of legal age. Regardless I don't want honey on my chillies.
Besides, sweet and hot and all that Mayan mojo stuff'd give him a fit of the willies.
I ain't mentioned no willies now you keep it clean mister.
Or I'll have to have a word with your sister.
Davey grew tired of the Mayan calendar since it lack his holidays,
Davey was relieved to fall back in the comfortable Snoozeezee™ first-class bed-seat in the Time Machine and accept a glass of champagne before taxiing. He waved bye bye to the pyramids of Chichén Itzá and Uxmal (pronounced Ushmaal). No longer did he need to worry about who put the Yukka in Yucatán, nor Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?He enjoyed the Platters of fresh shellfish and idly wondered where the fangled machine would take him next…
It took him It took him aboard ship where Felix appeared to be losing a greased pole contest.
The greasy pole was very greasy and slippery indeed, and it throbbed between his gripping thighs with the jerky movements of his approaching opponent. Grease wasn't exactly the way Davey was feeling, but as Olivia Neutron Bomb's voice pealed sirenly above the screams of the watching crowd, Davey took a wild wing. His fellow greasy poler ducked and the next second Davey was falling, falling…
into the pool below where suddenly three horny, hunky pool boys came to assist him with his...
But instead they toweled him off rather intimately he thought and so made a mental note to stop by their cabin. Davie made a mental note to visit Felix's cabin.Meanwhile he noticed a sailor had been eying him so he asked him the time. The reply was something about bells. Someone called the seaman Jack Tar so Davey asked Jack to show him the bells. And the moment he did the ship entered the swells.
When the swells rocked the boat Davey fell into the arms of the sailor and the passion he felt left him hearing wedding bells.
But it was only the ship's officer of the watch sounding eight bells, which pretty much marked the opening of the stateroom bar, so Jack and Davey wove their unsteady way to prop up the bar (which was having a hard time staying still on the rocking vessel). Olivia Neutron Bomb was there, knocking back a gin and tonic and muttering about how she was "Hopelessly Devoted To You" and "Look At Me," she cried, "I'm Sandra Dee." (This was probably a snide cross-reference to R. Kean's Which Book? question in message 287).
Olivia decide to return Down Under which made Sydney uncomfortable.The idle rich swells on board counteracted the oceanic swells and the bar settled down so Jack Tar and Davey and made a toast saying, "...
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