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The Story That Ends & Begins Again (no word limit)
The above is a false confession. It was the M4. The roadway has curved every so slightly every ¼ km so that the line of traffic forms an antenna broadcasting relays of signals it picks up from satellites carrying Internet signals overseas. The system was originally set up by the M1 long ago to send exceedingly polite but almost firm warning letters to speeders but the celebrity magazines acquired it in an information swap with the M6 in order to pick up secrets of the stars for inclusion in exploitative, sensational headlines.
Perhaps the best kept secret of all time (excluding perhaps the British capture of an Enigma machine during the early days of WWII, although the Americans claimed the same coup in a Hollywood movie version of the story)is the secret code the security services built into the British road system. You see the M1 roughly followed the path of the A1 trunk road; the M2 followed A2; M3 followed A3… but then came deviation. The M5 is nowhere remotely close to the route of A5; the M40 deviates considerably from the A40, though it adheres to its path in several spots. And while the M4 is so on top of the A4 they could be mistaken for lovers, there never was an A25 for the M25 London rotary system to follow.What, I hear you ask, does all this mean?
It's a secret code… so obviously you can't know what it means. Only the heads of CIA, MI5, MI6, and GCHQ actually know how to utilise the power of this secret code, and if any of them told you, they'd have to kill you.
All the potholes which have recently appeared in the A and M roads appear to be a cyber infiltration by spies for the People's Republic of China, a sort of Trojan Horse virus, and a secret code all of its own. The British Highways Agency has been trying to fill them in, but the Chinese keep making new holes.
David Cammeron and Barracks Alabama are discussing the problem.
The secret that shouldn't be secret is that a gay man, Alan Turing, was largely instrumental in solving the enigma machine code. He was found in a car with another man and arrested for being gay and was chemically castrated. His brilliant mind was shattered by the experience and later he was found dead according to the coroner suicide according to his biographer accidental. His was grated a royal pardon like that helped a dead man. On his 100th birthday the wife of the PM at the time Turning was convicted in 1952 proclaimed "Happy 100 Birthday Alan Turing." Alan Turing did not reply. Read more at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/history/wo...The end
Once Upon A Time there was a woodcutter called Simon Trunk. Simon was very good at hugging the trees he intended to cut down, to comfort them in their last minutes. Just down the track lived his best friends, Jack Lumber and Justin Timberlake. Jack was a lumberjack and he was all right but people in the nearby hamlet didn't approve of two men living in the same hovel in the woods. This never bothered Simon Trunk, so when Mrs. Whodunnit happened to pass by, he tackled her.She was furious, and when she'd picked herself up from the forest floor, she lashed out at him with her parasol, cursing him for a fool.
"But I only want to know why you disapprove of Jack Lumber and Justin Timberlake sharing a hovel?"
"It just ain't nat'ral," she snapped back. "One of ’em will be putting' on wimmin's clothing before you can say 'Tiiiimmmmbeeerrrr!' And wot do you think you are doing with that tree?"
"Hugging it, Mrs. Whodunnit."
"Oooh, you woodsmen are a funny lot." And off she hobbled, bent double with laughter.
Sure enough Mrs. Whodunnit was right. Justin started wearing eyeliner and eyeshadow with a good foundation of course. But that wasn't the worst of it. He wore a flowery bonnet and carried a purse. Actually they were quite nice in matching yellow flower patterns. He even trimmed his beard to better show off his orange lipgloss. I hated that Mrs. Whodunnit was right but even more I hated Justin for acting so feminine. It made us normal gay guys look bad like thoes horrible gay pride parades where you see all the fems and even bears in drag. It gives us wholesome straight acting gays a bad name. So as we were were working that day I 'forgot' to yell "Timber!" and Justin was squashed by the fallen tree. He was perverse to the end leaving instructions to be buried in his simple black dress with a single strand of pearls.
They way I see it the only way to get along is to fit in. Just like generations of immigrants.
Mrs. Whodunnit was on the case in a flash. She examined the crime scene and saw the fallen tree and the word balloon of "Timber!" hanging there unspoken. In a nonce she knew it was me. That very same day she saw that justice was done. "Good work" she said to me and shook my hand. You may be gay but at least your a man about it. You did the right thing using your gay homophobia to eradicate the misfit before he infected our children. "Well done."
Simon Trunk was a tad take aback at this, to put it mildly (he only ever steeped his teabag for a timed second). He understood that Mrs. Whodunnit had missed the point. It was the pearls Justin always wore Simon couldn't stand. Oh well, he sighed. better to fit in than be a victim of fashion.
Since I spoke with a lisp and was slight and effeminate I figured I better get away from there before the straight-acting homosexuals had another attack of gay man's homophobia and gay bashed me. So I went to the Log Cabin where the gay Log Cabin Republicans hung out.I heard a really cute gay republican say "We have got to get Congress and the states to pass a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage before the Supreme Court makes it legal everywhere."
"Here, here!" [applause] "It's like I said in my toast at Howard and Chris's wedding, marriage should be only as God created it in the Bible, between a man and a woman."
I said, "If it was a gay wedding why did you give an antigay wedding toast?'
"What gay wedding, Howard and Christine had been dating for years while she was his beard but now he has to step up and be a man and have children like God intended."
I was mad. "What do you mean marriage like God intended? Adam and Eve never got married. They lived out of wedlock. And as for the Old Testament early patriarchs had multiple wives and they were expected to impregnate their brother's wives if he died like it was with Onan. Scripture has many forms of marriage that you say is evil today.
Christians said that homosexuals were too promiscuous but now when we want to marry they and you gay homophobes say no they can't do that because it will ruin our marriages. With a 50 percent divorce rate for straight people's marriages they are saying their marriages would be perfect if gay marriage didn't ruin them?
All the Log Cabin republican put on their hoods and got their torches and pitchforks and the crowd was roused to a fever pitch and that was the last thing I remember before I arrived in Heaven which has this really great gay discotheque called Paradise."
Outside it was like a James Whale movie, the great unwashed mob of aroused villagers, worked up at the thought that the gay republicans were going to ban gay marriage. What would all their dear homosexual gay sons do? Pitchforks and scythes at the ready, the furious villagers attacked Paradise, intent on dragging out every last gay republican and burning him or her at the stake.Like most James Whale movies, it was beautifully lit and shot, but a tad confusing in the plot.
"Cut!" he shouted. It just wasn't working. "Underling!" he shouted to get a assistant director of some level he did much care whether it was a first or a second or or a fifth. (Everything I know about assistant directors I learned from Boys of Vice City) "Get me all the villagers with pitchforks and torches from the old Frankenstein movie then burn the set down."
"Perfect! That''s a wrap"
But sir, "What is the story?"
"Story? I don't need no stinking story. That's for the boys in publicity to figure out."
As it was a very chilly day, the wrap came in handy for the fourth assistant director, and coiled about his neck he felt much warmer. There was no time to attend the wrap party because the fourth assistant director, Clark Kent by name, was secretly the movie editor. Fortunately, there was a handy telephone booth on the corner of the New York City street lot, so in a flash he changed from the fourth assistant director to Super Editor. He knew he's need all his super powers on this one, because James Whale never bothered with stories, so he'd have to make the material work in a way the audience might understand.
Super Editor titled the film, "Nobody Ever Expects The Spanish Inquisition". That did it. The public flocked to the film in droves. It was another smash for the great director James Whale. But in Mr. Whale's office men in red robes had James naked on the rack. As they turned the wheel to give just a tad more exquisite pain, James thought "I really do have to give my seventh assistant director a raise, he finds such sexy pleasures to help me relax after filming."
The grand inquisitor asked him again, "Do you believe in one catholic and apostolic church?" As they stretched further on the rack James was in ecstasy and in a burst of sexual pleasure he screamed, "Yes, oh yes, more please, Yes!"
And the men in the red robes left feeling they had completed another job well done. Poor James was inconsolable.
Inconsolable in Scarlet. It came to him in a flash, and in a trice the script was written. The only headache was a suitable location, but that solved itself when he saw a Youtube filmette about Wolverhampton. And that's where they went a crew of over 100 and a thousand extras all descended on the home of the Wolves.
They police came and investigated. "You guys aren't those retro gamers are you?""No Officer."
"That's okay then. Go ahead. Those retro gamers are a wild bunch. Look at all these pixels laying around zapping people all over."
"Pixels? Oh, no! That's it everybody we have to find another location. There's enough pixels ricocheting around here to Zap! 64 times for each of you. It's not fit for man nor beast here."
SID was a chip off the old block and he was afraid of nothing, least of all some random pixels peeking and pokeing among the wind-swept buildings of Wolverhampton. He brandished his sound phaser and began vacuuming up square pixels and those with an uneven ratio. SID was as spritely as they come, and in no time every last pixel was swept up and deposited safely in the retro recycling bin.The inhabitants of Wolverhampton sighed in relief. Saved again for another year. The crew returned to their posts and shooting of Inconsolable in Scarlet resumed.
First he wrote the novel so he could get the first rights on Inconsolable in Scarlet. The fact that the novel would have no relationship to the final film would only make it more authentic. Next he wrote the screen play which introduced the beautiful ingénue as Scarlet. He was called Scarlet because of all his scars obtained a leader of the most feared motorcycle gang in all of Wolverhampton.
"Okay guys let go rumble!" were the first words in the script and they would soon be seen on the silver screen in every theater in Wolverhampton.
The movie's famous climax takes place in the iconic Wolverhampton Bus Station, when Scarlet loses his bestie in a clash with the town's next most feared motorcycle gang, which leaves him Inconsolable, but also very very angry. He challenges the leader of Wolverhampton's second most feared motorcycle gang to play "Chicken."Most of the two turns out to watch the spectacle as the two hunky motorcycle gang leaders face up and dare each other to see who is the bravest when it comes to some nifty mouth work.
"I thought they was gonna do the race of death at each other," complained one onlooker.
"No, that's plain Chicken, but this Gay Chicken," he is told.
Of course, the two arch-enemies discover affection for each other during the trial they undergo, and the movie closes with the two gangs riding off into the sunset over Wolverhampton bis station.
Riding on top of the bus was Scarlet who had hijacked it to go from Wolverhampton to Luglow where the gang's hero Bike Boy lives. At a rest stop they painted the bus silver so no one would notice them since all silver buses are highly ignorable. Still, Scarlet couldn't help but immediately on leaving the rest stop call out to Bike Boy. "My son. My Son."
What's this? Scarlet was Bike Boy's father?
Ever onward they drove to see their beloved Bike Boy tearing uyp the gravel on the hills of Luglow.
There he was! Roaring along, kicking up gravel in his wake. But even Scarlet couldn't warn him in time of the sneaky speed camera hidden behind a hedge from the oncoming Bike Boy.Varrooom… he tore through the measuring zone at a staggering 38 mph. Alas, unknown to Bike Boy he was riding in a 30 mph area. Diasaster!
Scarlet was just totally Inconsolable again, and James Whale had to go back to his Smith Corona typewriter to restructure the script.
It was a simple decision really. All Bike Boy had to do was go to a driver safety class for a few hours or have points put on his license and be fined. So he exchanged clothes with Scarlet got on the roof of the bus and left his father Scarlet with his bike to take the blame. "No. that's not it." thought James Whale and he went back to his black Smith Corona manual typewriter with gold lettering for the logo and rewrote the scene again.
It was a simple decision really. Bike Boy went to the Luglow Traffic Court and raped the Judge. The Judge had only been in love with Rogue before for similar reasons but now Bike Boy had won his heart so he arranged for a trial.
"Bike Boy my beloved how do you Plead?"
"Not guilty your honor."
"Dearest sweetheart please state your case." said the Judge.
Bike Boy asked, "When was the last time that speedo-trap camera was adjusted?"
The police officer duly sworn in on a stack of bibles testified, "Yesterday."
Bike Boy stated his defense. "I thought so your honor. Obviously neglecting contrapulation of the device caused an error."
"Not Guilty. Case dismissed!" said the lovelorn member of the Luglow judiciary.
The incident sparked off an idea in Bike Boy's fertile mind, and he hastened to see the curator of the Luglow museum and art gallery, and in association with the National Center for Crafts and Design, mounted an exhibition of speedo-camera photographs. This was a huge success because everyone who had been caught speeding on a camera was desperate to see their photo(s). Many pictures were very artistic, especially those taken against the rising or the setting sun.
It was this exhibition that revealed to the police that a certain legendary fellow James Tell (brother of the Swiss government's classified secrets leaker Will Tell) was not actually driving when he pled nolo contendere to speeding in Luglow and actually it was the infamous scofflaw Ima Rainbow at the wheel.The Luglow Police gave Bike Boy a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card as a thank you for uncovering this insidious crime of making a false statement on a police affidavit (said traffic ticket) which ended up with said legendary fellow being incarcerated in the cell next to Cliff Richard said Bike Boys publicist.
It was a fact that Bike Boy gave the Luglow police a bit more than information leading to the uncovering of an insidious crime, however they managed to keep that out of the South Salopian Journal.Meanwhile, down the local nick, the walls were a-rockin' and a-reelin' with the sounds of Cliff Richard giving an extempore concert, with James Tell on backing vocals.
Let's rock; everybody, let's rock
Everybody in the whole cell block
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock
I went to a party at the local county jail;
All the cons were dancing, and the band began to wail.
But the guys were indiscreet;
They were brawling in the street.
At the local dance; at the local county jail.
The Luglow Jail never had it so good.
Salop is another name for Shropshire and was the official name of the county from 1974 to 1980. Hence the name South Salopian Journal for the southern area of Shropshire.Scallop is an edible bivalve mollusk.
The two are often confused.
You can easily tell the difference however because the paper can stay out in the sun for a week and not stink.
Salop scallops are most delicious when allowed to ferment in the sun for several weeks and can then be bottled and a few drops sprinkled on almost any dish to make it perfect. It was an intrepid Salopian who in the 17th century traveled to Thailand (Siam then) and taught the Siamese how to make fish sauce for which they are now famed. At some point before the 3rd century BC a Celtic Salopian took the secret of fermented Salop scallops to Rome, where the exquisite sauce became a firm favorite, although they called it either liquamen or garum because being Roman they couldn't make up their minds. It must have done them a power of good, though, because next year they set out to conquer the known world.
Of course the Romans added Anchovies because they were
One man's Anchovy is another man's clambake, this according to that gourmet chef Sir Roget de Keanu, Rieve of Salop, who based many of his most famous and exquisite receipts on the poems of Salop and Luglow's own pet poet, Alfred Edward Haussmann Boulevard, a writer renowned for his dead straight lines. Boul, as he was known to his many jolly friends ("so gay!" the maidens used to say of their glittering apparel), was partial to a finely diced anchovy scattered across his salad of thinly sliced cucumber and mint in vinegar (malted with only the finest Hereford hops). Boul, in fact, authored that greatest of all histories of the Roman world The Complete Chronicle of the Way the Emperor's of Rome Related to Anchovies and other Fish, Including Crustaceans of "Our Sea" which was a bestseller among the Amazons of Colchis.
Will Tell got on his phone and called his famed but top secret brother James Tell 007. "Helllo James? This is your brother Will. I'm locked up with that gourmet chef Sir Roget de Keanu, Rieve of Salop and Bike Boy's Publicist. I don't like the way you said that James. What have you done this time, well that could be taken as an insult. Oh, okay. I paid a traffic ticket. You can? You will? Yes you're right I'm Will. I Will, do ask you James will you do it? You will? Let's not go through that again. Thank you top secret brother James 007."That gourmet chef Sir Roget de Keanu, Rieve of Salop asked, "He will what Will?"
Will tell just looked at him thinking he is supposed to be a top chef but he can't even form a sentence? 'will what will' I bet he hadn't even gone to public school.
Bike Boy's agent asked "Is your brother going to break us out of here?"
"Well no. But he's going to use his top secret, super secret unticketpayer to unpay the ticket I paid so I can get out of here."
The jailer came along and opened the cell and told Will Tell he could leave. "You're all unpaid up. Go."
Bike Boy offered Will Tell and Sir Roget de Keanu, Rieve of Salop, a lift on his bike, but Will said, "Oh, no thank you. The minute you ride out of here you'll become involved—very much against your will, I realize, or even against my Will come to that—with some slinky number after your ass, or may be a totally innocent Emo boy who, as luck and coincidence would have it, is celebrating his 18th birthday, which makes him fair game in the eyes of notaries and German book publishers, especially as while he's rejecting your advances, he is in reality absolutely gagging for adventure and excitement in his paltry suburban life, the kind of thing that shocks him rigid, very rigid, when he peers through a window in the hut of the typical forest ranger, who just happens along at the convenient moment you have run out of gas for the bike, which of course innocent Emo boy thinks is just a corny old cliché pick-up line—he's right, of course, but doesn't understand that in this case it happens to be the truth and you're so embarrassed you have to go with said Forest Ranger and show him the good time which so shocks Emo into running off in a blind panic, right into the arms of Kiefer Sutherland and a bunch of gay vampire boys on the beach…"Sir Roget climbed up behind Bike Boy and off they VARRROOOMED into the sunset.
Will Tell was inspired to do a cartoon of an emo boy running off in a blind panic, right into the arms of Kiefer Sutherland and a bunch of gay vampire boys on the beach,"Who wants to play volleyball?" shouted Kiefer. Instantly teams lined on each side of the spider net and began volleying the ball. This left Kiefer alone with the innocent emo boy. "My name is Kiefer. What's your name?'
"Emile but my friends call me Emo."
"Well Emo it looks like there is just the two of us." We need to find some entertainment. Have you ever read Hot For Boys: The Sexy Adventures Of Rogue?"
"Um, no."
"It's okay. I'll act out the story with you so you can get the feel of it. In seconds flat Emo was in his birthday suit which was appropriate because it was Emo's eighteenth birthday."
Kiefer acted out the part of Rogue using Emo to play the part of a virginal emo boy on his eighteenth birthday.
♥♥♥♥♥
Emo was in love. Kiefer had led him to discover his prostate and he fell instantly in love with his prostate vowing to put it to good use because Emo was a very good little emo.
Completely satiated by helping Emo discover his prostate, Kiefer fell into a deep sleep and when he woke he exclaimed, "That's why I knew I knew you. I saw this film about you, you were swimming around with a regal tang called Dory and trying to escape the clutches of a wicked shark called Bruce, and you were trying to find someone called Sidney Harbor… or was that a Michael Bay movie?""Don't be silly!" Emo cried. "That was Finding Nemo, a 2003 American computer-animated comedy-drama adventure film written and directed by Andrew Stanton, released by Walt Disney Pictures, and the fifth film produced by Pixar Animation Studios. It tells the story of the overprotective clownfish named Marlin who, along with a regal tang named Dory—you were right about that— searches for his abducted son Nemo all the way to Sydney Harbor. Along the way, Marlin learns to take risks and let Nemo take care of himself.
"I loved that movie! But now I must go and rescue Bike Boy from that awful Forest Ranger, who had him on his back in his forest shack… hey! That rhymes. I should go and join one of the Complaint Department pome games. I love a good pome."
And with that, Emo scampered off the sandy beach, leaving Kieffer with his little vampire friends.
Kiefer called out to Dr. Caligari. "Caligari put that cabinet down for a minute and come over here.""Yes Mr. Sutherland, are you feeling comfortable here at the asylum?"
"Yeah, the asylum is great. Nobody will every find us here and we can go out every night and find lovely maidens to ravish and take our sustenance. In fact my vampire friends and I were going out to pick up some women and have 'drinks'. You want the somnambulist to come along so he can feel bad about the ladies as he rips off their clothes and kills them for that movie you been making?"
"Mr. Sutherland, that is so kind of you to ask. I wouldn't be able to shoot the film because you and the other vampires would roaming all over the set."
"But Doctor, you know we don't show up in film any more than we can be seen in a mirror."
"Ah yes Mr. Sutherland, so good of you to ask but tonight is our Benny Hill Festival and poor Benny has been looking forward to it for so long."
"Okay Doc. Give my best to Benny."
Kiefier went and turned up the radio, which was tuned to BBC Radio 2, and at that very moment the DJ played Benny Hill's latest hit:You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Which gave Mr. Cabinet a great idea. If he used some of Ernie's milk and splashed it all over the vampires on the set, they would then show up on film. Obviously, they would all come out white, but he got around that by rewriting the script to include an army of ghosts.
The next scene called for a giant nest, in which nestled the starlet of the movie, got up as a large cuckoo. As they were about to start shooting, one flew over the cuckoo's nest, and made the all very mad.
Cesare, the somnambulist in the cabinet who had been asleep for a thousand years upon hearing the plot about milk awakened. He knew ghosts in the first true horror film ever made would spoil The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari: A Film,.Cersare spoke to Dr. Caligari who said, "Go back to sleep and don't worry. Benny Hill has been sent to 20th Century England to drive them insane (it won't be a long drive since they are almost there now.) We are filming in Germany in 1920 so do not cry over spilt milk."
Cesare went back to his cabinet and slept dreaming of his boyfriend Lurch of the Addams Family.
They sat ready toasted each other with glasses of Ernie's milk when Lurch started playing romantic love songs from Gold diggers of 1929 and at the first notes of Tip Toe Through the Tulips Cesare went wild and actually opened an eye. Lurch groaned and Uncle Fester (can you believe that sweet boy Jackie Coogan grew up to be Uncle Fester?) passed by placing a light bulb in his mouth which illuminated the whole scene ruining the who romantic atmosphere when Lurch saw Cesare was wearing Disney's Little Mermaid boxer shorts.
It was something of a lurch to see the cute little boxer shorts and Dr. Caligari was inspired by the sight. His muse was fellow Doctor Mabuse, master of disguise and a man with Mesmerism in his little finger. Sweet boy Jackie Coogan cracked on with the script but by the time he'd completed his first draft he had aged terribly into Uncle Fester and the film was going to run to four hours without an intermission to sell ice creams and cokes and popcorn."We need Fritz," exclaimed Dr. Mabuse, "Fritz Bang-a-Lang. He'll cut it down and make it ship shape and Hansa fashion. The biggest budget problem is that every scene calls for torrential rain."
"No problem," Fritz said. "We'll shoot all the scenes in England, where it is always raining. I hear there are local council incentives as well, in a town called Vulvahempten (it was the way he pronounced it)."
And so it transpired that the biggest German box-office success of its time was not filmed at Universum Film AG (U.F.A.) but at the Joe Bloggs Documentary Facility (J.B.D.F.) in Wolverhampton.
Cheers went up then das Orchester sang der Doktor Mabuse musik: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7nN0...Cesar went on to become a highly successful underwear model in Milan, Paris and Wolverhampton.
Lurch tried to use a dating service called Y'all Date. Within seconds it produced an eight hour film submitted by his first potential date.
The first bachelor was Andy Warhol and the film showed his previous boyfriend Fritz Lang lying still for the whole 8 hours not like Fritz had much of a choice. And the guy lives with his mother and is a virgin. Lurch thought it was based on one of Alexa Lang's fantasy books.
Doktor Mabuse's "Propaganda" musik was very popular with the Proto-Emo-Gothik boys, who liked the fact that the girl in the long olive gown only had one arm but still seemed to keep the rhythm. The song was like an extended gif, long before anyone had thought of gifs, and it went on for 16 hours, though a lot more interestingly that Andy Warhol's masterpiece "Fritz Lang Lying Extremely Still for a Very Long Time" (and much longer than Fellini's pitifully small 8½)Then he had a much better idea, an 8⅚-hour movie of the Empire State Building, with Lou Reed singing that popular Germanic song Neun und neunzig Luftballons (99⅔ Red Balloons In England), which was very lustig, so much so in fact, that the ballons lufted up, up and away.
The beautiful balloons lufted up, up and away! Lou Reed entered the Fifth Dimension and was transformed singing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5akEg....But Ziggy Stardust had a song that bursted their balloons with the shocking
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyEV4...
No one new which way to turn because the beetles had broken up. So every teenage male started a garage band so the world could find a new group and become centered again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDYwI... It was no use. Ziggy just went from decade to decade ruling the world. Stardust had fallen from the sky and landed all around us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIE6U...
It was all very moving and everyone sat down on the lawn to listen to the grass grow https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7oUw.... But the group just wasn't up to date with their smart comms: be.com/watch?v=ELRHD4UCo74. So they missed out on the skinhead revolution and their hair grew and grew until someone called out the fire brigade. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b42ck.... After this disaster, money became very tight and a change of band didn't help, because he was so badly off his footwear needed serious attention. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a77yH...
It was very hard for the audience to sing along with the Traffic song Hole in My Shoe because is hard to understand the lyrics and follow the beat so to keep the crowd happy and in synch with the music they needed to follow the bouncing ball. But nobody had a bouncing ball. They consulted TC Terms and Conditions who volunteered to give up his diving instructor Tom Dawes at the Thunderbird Swim Club in Guilderland, NY where TC spent his Summer days. Through TC's generosity Dawes cofounded the band the Rhondels managed by Brian Epstein. John Lennon suggested a name change for the band to The Cyrkle and gave it the unique spelling. The Cyrkle opened for the Beatles on tour.
Paul Simon who was in England at the time needed money so he wrote a songs to sell. He sold the song Red Rubber Ball to the Cyrkle who recorded it and sold 890,000 copies. More importantly a red rubber ball was exactly what was needed to follow the bouncing ball so the crowd cheered and forgot all about Traffic's shoe problem. They just sang along with Red Rubber Ball
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbDKN...
Tommy Dawes was 8 years older than TC which didn't pose all that much of a problem since their were plenty of 14 and 22 year-old couples but the real problem was Dawes was straight. This put quite a big wrinkle in their romance so it made much easier for TC to let Dawes out of his agreed on Terms and Conditions. Skinny TC was never that good at sports but he loved swimming and learned to love diving, partly because he was very good at it and partly because it made him feel warm to think of kind and gentle sweet Tommy Dawes.
During a time where long hair on rock band members was in Tommy Dawes still liked to dive and swim so he kept his hair cut short like a swimmer should but rocker shouldn't. It is not known whether Dawes' short hair doomed the band or if all bands, other than the Rolling Stones, are doomed eventually so they just followed the route for musicians which has always been eventual obscurity or sudden death from a life of alcohol, drugs and girl cooties.
***
Dawes took another route. He started writing ad jingles for TV advertisements. He thought and he thought and he sang 7up is the Uncola which pleased the 7up people so much they played Tommy Dawes' Uncola ad song on television and radio.
Tommy was getting the hang of this advertising jingle thing so he thought and he thought and came up with Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz, Oh what a relief it is. The AlkaSeltzer people were all kerplunked by the Plop it became one of the best known ad campaigns. Dawes had married another Jingle writer and he and his wife became a team until 2007 at the age of 64 when he had a coronary related to surgery. Not the kind of surgery where you go see the doctor about your ailments but the kind of surgery where doctors cut you open and try to repair things inside. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It didn't for Tommy Dawes but every time TC looks through his Terms and Conditions he remembers waiving them to allow Tommy to go on to greater glory in that Red Rubber Ball and in ad jingles still which remain earworms in the minds of baby boomers.
There's been a problem with baby boomers lately. Some of them have gone BOOM! and that's all she wrote. But too many boomers are stubbornly living and living longer. This has put a strain on Social Security payments to retirees and health care costs through Medicare.
So the US Congress has sent a message to those born during the baby boom and that message is, "Drop dead."
Cesar went on to become a highly successful underwear model in Milan, Paris and Wolverhampton. In fact, all over the world, kids were using their Leggo™ or Meccano™ sets to make models of Cesar both in and out of his underwear, abandoning their iPhones, Samsung Galaxies, iPads, laptops and computers for the new craze. Eventually—as it usually does—big business cashed in by arranging international Cesar model contests to see who could build the biggest Cesar underwear model.Among the Inner Cyrkle of Cesarists, there was a little boy who did not speak, but only made a single simple sound: Wheee!. Everyone thought he was simple, the the real Cesarists saw method in his madness. He used bits of Leggo™ and Meccano™ but also scraps of metal rubbish others had thrown out. After months of hard, confusing work, the little boy had constructed a vast thing which resembled on the ancient Greek mythological creatures that defeated the Titans called a Hecatoncheires, only no one watching knew that.
"I suppose, if you half close your eyes," said one onlooker, "it does kinda resemble Cesar the underwear model."
"Yeah, but otherwise it's useless, just joined up trash and garbage. What's it supposed to mean, or do?
At that point the little boy sat back from his creation, and with shining eyes fixed on what he had made, he said, "Wheee!"
And to everyone's utter astonishment, the vast creation rose silently into the air and hovered at about ten feet above the ground. After two days of staring up at it, the little boy said, "Whoooo!", and the massive thing landed softly without a sound. The by now vast audience was spellbound as they watched the little boy carefully take everything apart, just in reverse of how he had built it.
That was when Cesar decided to retire from the fashion runway.
However Lady Julianna Rufia took the little boy from the Cyrkle of Caesarists and outfitted him a with simple but elegant synthesis created by the great designer Catalyst, and attached the boy to the Hectatonbcheires and lifted him as if flying like a god before the Senate who pronounced him Emperor, Caesar and Historian. Of all of these titles Caeasar Hectatonbcheires valued Historian best because he who writes the history books wins. This was upsetting to Roger because he had to amend all the editions his book The Complete Chronicle Of The Emperors Of Rome to include Caeasar Hectatonbcheires.
Roger, Count of Ridge Mount, Master of the Horse and Leader of the Imperial Comitatenses and Senior Silentarius of the Imperial Bedchamber, announced in the Bookseller that work on revising the great tome had begun. Unfortunately Olivierus Freyus will not be able to recreate in drawn form either the bust or known coins of said Caeasar Hectatonbcheires because they were all stored in the British Museum, and in a parallel timeline, that august institution was set alight and burned to the ground fro the lack of ten buckets of water.Caeasar Hectatonbcheires, as an historian, proved that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword.
Caeasar Hectatonbcheires and Lady Julianna Rufia were great friends. Whenever Caesar spoke to the Senate she presented him godlike floating in the air and in bright lights giving him a shimmery golden glow. The Senators were convinced Caesar was a god but couldn't declare him one as only Caesar himself could do that. He wasn't willing to settle for the title god because there were so many of them and they did so little, so becoming a god was a step down from being Caesar the Almighty as he delighted in the name the Senate had given him. Lady Julianna had made him appear before the Senate in puffs of smoke, in bursts of flame, and floating cross legged on a cloud. He and Julianna were best of friends, chatting constantly and always joking. She and her son Roofie and the patrician Peer Quint were the only ones who knew Caesar was just an ordinary boy, well young man now.
Today Roofie and Peer Quint and Lady Julianna gathered together with Caesar and his boyfriend Scorpie to celebrate Quint's birthday. Roofie had given his boyfriend a box that told the location of the planets, dates of eclipses, a GPS unit and major league baseball scores plus matching cufflinks.
Julianna had given Peer Quint lifetime supply of his favorite lube imported from Greece, called Ode to a Greasy Urn and matching handcuffs. Casear called in the Imperial Orchestra and gave Quint new music composed in honor of his birthday called the Peer Quint Suite.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2gDFJWhXp8 and matching cufflinks.
Scorpie had fixed several chariot races for Peer Quint but his big present was a BJ and matching cufflinks.
Julianna, who suffered from a mild form of spoonerism, often called the patrician Queer Pint, which had the others rolling on the floor laughing, or R.O.F.L. in the original Latin. For his part, Quint took it in good part, for he was a good and unassuming lad, and anyway, he already knew the matching cufflinks would be a great present for his favorite little "friend" Crispin, who was studying to be be a civil servant at the Imperial Paedagogium opposite the Ringling Brothers' Circus Max. Quint knew Crispin would happily discard his tunic for a matching cufflink or two.Tongues loosened by a tad too much unwatered Infalernium, Caeasar Hectatonbcheires accused Scorpie of sneaking off with 'the Other Man.' He couldn't bring himself to use the man's name, and always called him 'the Other Man.'
Scorpie was scandalized and pointed out 'the Other Men' were always of patrician status, like Queer— Peer Quint, because chariot driver he might be, but he had his standards, you know.
"Why are you standing there with your mouth agape?" Roofie asked the Geek genius Agapathus. It turned out he also had a present for the birthday boy and would have handed over the large wooden horse with wheels on its four legs but Caesar spoke up: "Beware of geeks bearing gifts!"
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Books mentioned in this topic
Lassie Come-Home (other topics)A Life Apart (other topics)
Wrath of Seth (other topics)
Wife to Mr. Milton (other topics)
The White Goddess: A Historical Grammar of Poetic Myth (other topics)
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Authors mentioned in this topic
Zack (other topics)Roger Kean (other topics)
Oliver Frey (other topics)
James George Frazer (other topics)
Italo Calvino (other topics)
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'S'all I gotter say.
…till yer start on me b…