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Hi, Yaagneshwaran - Okay, I'm going to step out of 'author' and into my 'English Teacher' alter-ego here! I think you've made a real effort to create an atmosphere of tension and fear, but there are many grammatical, spelling and syntax errors in this short excerpt, and some of the expressions are too commonly used to have the impact I think you're after. The issues that jump out at me on a first reading are listed below:
i)'Wait a minute' needs a full stop within the speech marks, and 'I mean' needs a comma after it.
ii) 'It sent me jitters' doesn't make sense at the moment - 'It gave me jitters and a chill ran down my spine' works better, but this is still a little cliched
iii)'Anybody in?' doesn't need a comma as well - one punctuation mark per quote!
iv)Who's saying 'now what?'
v) 'Moved towards' or 'stepped into'?
vi) 'There was no one there' rather than 'there was no one'
vii)Not sure if legs going numb is the best indicator of terror
viii) 'As my heart pounded heavily' doesn't work so well - 'fear made my heart pound' might be better, but again, this is a bit of a cliche
ix) Not sure how you can 'steadily' expect the worst?
x) Starting a sentence with 'also' isn't good grammar. You might be able to put a comma after it, but you have to have a good reason, stylistically
xi) Who's saying, 'should I call the police?' If this is your narrator, you don't need speech marks. Italics would work here. Not entirely sure why you've started a new paragraph here, either
xii) 'Call them and tell them what?...' again, if this is inner dialogue, you don't need speech marks, and it's confusing for the reader
xiii)The sentence beginning 'I remembered having locked...' doesn't make sense - you need to rephrase. 'I remembered locking my door. I had been doing this for so long that I did it without thinking' as a suggestion?
xiv) 'stared' not 'starred'
xv) 'all around' is clunky. 'I peered through the darkness' maybe?
xvi) 'If at all I had some sort of sensibleness left in me...' The entire sentence reads as though English is the narrator's second language
xvii) 'Horrible things' is too vague - be specific: you're the author here, and in charge of what those horrible things are!
xviii)'I felt someone walked by' should be 'I felt someone walk by'. How did they feel this? Did they sense it, or was it a physical brushing against?
xiv) 'Just like a flash' - again, this is clunky. Was it a flash, or wasn't it? And 'flash' makes it sound like it's light-related
xx)'That let me shivering'? 'That left me shivering'? And is this meant to flow on from the first sentence?
xxi) 'before I was about to turn...' Again, this whole sentence doesn't read well in English ('Who it was' rather than 'Who that was' for a start)
xxii) 'I was held from behind tightly' should perhaps be, 'I was grabbed tightly from behind'?
I would recommend finding a beta reader who has a strong grasp of English grammar and punctuation, and also make sure you are 100% confident with punctuation too (especially for dialogue). This might mean delaying the launch of your book, but it will save you a lot of negative reviews, and ensure it's edited to near-perfection!
Hope this is helpful - please feel free to discuss any queries about the above notes! This is quite a quick response, so I hope it makes sense to you.
Warm regards,
Tabitha McGowan
As an English major and wannabe English teacher, I second Tabitha's post here. While some readers may not care as much about grammar, there are those of us who won't read something that has a lot of errors. You can find beta readers at websites like scribophile.com.
Tabitha, if your husband ever runs off with a bear or a wolf, will you marry me?I'm so glad I didn't have to post what you did. If you hadn't, I would've been tempted.
In Yaag's defense though, I think English *is* his second language and so my advice would be to write the book in your native language, then hire a very good translator.
Whatever the case may be, this book is not ready for prime time.
The time to publish is not one second after typing, "The End."
Thanks a lot Tabitha, Judy and Edward. I have hired a professional proof-reader and a copy editor for making the corrections. But whatever you have mentioned is awesome, really happy to have things brought to attention in prime time.
That's great, Yaag. I'm glad you're taking the helpful, constructive criticism and running with it.I hope you'll let us know when it's ready for a new look.
Sure I'll let you know the moment it's up on Amazon. I would love to hear what you guys feel abt the book as a whole!!
Edward wrote: "Tabitha, if your husband ever runs off with a bear or a wolf, will you marry me?I'm so glad I didn't have to post what you did. If you hadn't, I would've been tempted.
In Yaag's defense though, ..."
I'd be happy to! :D
After the grammar and punctuation are cleaned you have a good story. Less is more when it comes to words. Don't use extra words when one will do. " I panicked" is enough. Please make your sentences more lean and bold.Good luck, it took me years to learn the craft of writing. You can learn it!
Nancy
Robert, Its not nice to hi-jack another members thread...
Nick wrote: "Robert, Its not nice to hi-jack another members thread..."
Sorry, I thought I was posting in the right place. Where should I post?
Nick wrote: "Robert, Its not nice to hi-jack another members thread..."
I deleted the post. My mistake. I thought this was a thread for general feedback on member's work.
“Wait a minute”, the door wasn’t locked. I mean I could see the lights in my room. I had put off the lights when I left in the evening. It sent me jitters and my spine felt a chill. Someone had to be at home but I couldn’t guess who.
“Anybody in?”, I called out as I slowly turned the knob of the main door.
Now what?
The door opened easily and I slowly moved towards my room. There was no one and my computer was switched on. Seeing this made my legs go numb. As my heart pounded heavily I crouched into the room steadily expecting the worst.
Also I was debating within. “Should I call the police?”
Something within told me that I was panicking for no reason and maybe I had forgotten to lock the doors and to shut down my system.
“Call them and tell what? That I forgot to lock the doors?”
But no. I remembered having locked and the activity had almost become involuntary.
I starred all around, totally lost. If at all I had some sort of sensibleness left in me, it completely vanished and all I could think was only horrible things.
As I was convincing myself, I felt someone walked by. It was just like a flash. That let me shivering and before I was about to turn to see who that was, I was held from behind tightly.