David Estes Fans and YA Book Lovers Unite! discussion
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Pitch rewrite for YA book, please tell me what you think
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I guess I sort of have a unique perspective since I've read your book (which is AWESOME by the way if anyone who reads this hasn't read it yet) and I don't think the pitch quite does it justice.
A couple thoughts:
-first two lines are awesome, great hook!
-Although I love the second paragraph, I think you might be better served talking about Nick and the painting competition first, that's what the book's really about. The bullies and Nick's tricks are more a result of the competition, I think.
-The fourth paragraph gets a bit redundant, combine that with the bullying stuff. And the stuff about his parents not entering is too much information, not needed for a concise pitch.
-I like the 5th and the 6th paragraphs, although you have a slight typo at the end of the 5th one "his dreams" rather than just "dreams"
-Depending on what this is for, I'd kill the last paragraph, it sounds very billboardy or advertisy. Not something you'd usually want in a query letter or pitch.
Hope this helps and let me know if you have any questions about this feedback. Whatever it is you're working on, best of luck because your book DESERVES to be recognized for the AMAZING story that it is.
Wow, thanks for the feedback and encouragement, David. Much appreciated! The pitch is for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. I'm a bit late, the deadline to enter is today :P I'll definitely make some changes and give it another shot.
Mod
Here's a rewrite. Way too late, but I figured I ought to at least go through with this exercise to learn to write better blurbs. Better? Worse?----------
The Marsh King was the most controversial and dreaded man in all the Lands of Yod. But long before he destroyed cities, he was a painter...
At sixteen Nick’s pictures can make passersby forget where they were going. He creates paintbrushes that obey his commands and practices with them every day until they break, all for one goal.
The Briturant. The most prestigious arts contest in the world, it’s the lifeblood of the village, annually drawing thousands of spectators, competitors, and traders. But Valley Spirit’s winning grip is waning. If the village loses this year, bigger cities will get it all moved away.
Nick’s so driven to enter the contest that it cost him his best friend two years ago and sets him at odds with nearly everyone in the village. Endless bullies want his bones broken. He can’t fight well, but years of being targeted have taught him enough forest tricks to send them home limping. Cursed eggs whiz through the air. Poisonous plants erupt from the ground, whipping thorny stems like tentacles, grabbing whoever’s close.
When his best friend finally visits him again amidst the madness a week before the contest, his feelings for her soar past 'friend.' If he has to choose between painting and her, he very well might give up his goal.
Dreams, village or each other? Their adventure of trying to decide what's most important in life will take Nick to frightening places he’s never been and pit him against people and creatures he dreads. He'll find many surprises, but few easy answers. Deep behind it all, violent storms are stirring, and Nick's infamous destiny far surpasses painting.
Spirit, action, humor and touches of fantasy add to the depth of this unique, making-of-a-legend adventure.
Mod
Only thought was to maybe reword the part about his feelings for his old best friend going way past friend. It seems to give it away a little bit. Maybe being it back a notch, to blossoming feelings (about cliche) or some other way of saying that things start to change between them. Just my opinion though :)
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Tales from Yod: Nick the Lolt
The silver-haired Marsh King was the most controversial and dreaded man in all the Lands of Yod.
But before he destroyed cities, he was a painter...
Endless bullies chase Nick. He's only sixteen and can't fight well, but years of being targeted have taught him enough tricks to send them home limping. Cursed eggs whiz through the air. Eye-burning vapors tinge the air. Poisonous plants erupt from the ground, whipping thorny stems like tentacles, grabbing whoever’s close. All over a painting competition!
But it's no ordinary contest. It's the Briturant – lifeblood of the village, drawing thousands of spectators, competitors, and traders. If Valley Spirit loses this year, bigger cities will get it all moved away.
As the day approaches, desperate people try anything to make Nick quit, knowing he'll lose. His adopted parents could win, only they don’t compete when he’s entered.
Nick's best friend Cha could convince him to stand down. But she hasn't spoken to him in two years, since that awful day that he chose painting over her. When she finally visits him again a week before the contest, his feelings for her soar past 'friend.' For her, he very well might give up dreams.
Dreams, village or each other? Their adventure of trying to decide what's most important in life will take Nick up frightening heights of a great hemothic tree. It will pit him against people and creatures he dreads, like merciless Cienagans and giant firebrat bugs.
He'll find many surprises, but few easy answers. Deep behind it all, violent storms are stirring, and Nick's infamous destiny far surpasses painting.
Spirit, action, humor and touches of fantasy add to the depth of this unique, making-of-a-legend adventure. In a world with enchanted waterfalls and living glaciers, the vibrant beginning of a saga not to be missed!