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Jokes, all jokes, and nothing but jokes....
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message 201:
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K.A.
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Feb 07, 2014 11:00AM
I hear it is All Your Fault...
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Yep, we totally ignored government instructions about what we could and couldn't do, and spent every penny of funding on our Christmas party.
That's what I figured. You partiers, you.
"Interviewed Mallard refuses to comment" - I probably should not be laughing as hard about that as I am.
K.A. wrote: "That's what I figured. You partiers, you."I live in Somerset, home of scrumpy (a very rough cider) so what else are supposed to do but party? Lots of excellent local real ales too :)
Mmmm. Really have to visit some time, now that I'm learning about local cuisine. Local ales, scrumpy, and mushy peas...
My local chippy does excellent cod and chips, perfect before or after a night out in my local pub. Come and stay sometime and I'll prove it to you.
Word of warning - we've not only got the... mmm... how do I describe the residents of Glastonbury?... but we have Wincanton, which is officially twinned with Ankh Morpork (I've seen the twinning documents in the Town Hall).
Hey, we could get our tent - and wellies - and get covered in mud at Glasto together!!
I've always wanted to visit Ankh Morpork!
I tried phoning the UK Environmental Agency for advice on the floods.They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
Douglas wrote: "I tried phoning the UK Environmental Agency for advice on the floods.They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises."
This bit of the joke post I made:
Investigative Report into the Environmental Agency:
Shadowy organisation blamed by many for the latest flooding turns out not to exist
is funny to those of us in the know as it's actually the Environment Agency, not the Environmental Agency.
But yours is funny too :)
I guess we'd better start watching out for unusual critters if the flooding continues much longer. Thankfully it's a bit cold for alligators.
Ah, yes, I used to work for something people often called 'the Forestry Service'. Similarly, there's no such thing; it's the US Forest Service. Strangely enough, people still think I work for the 'Forestry Service' even though now I'm a Park Ranger.
Some advice for us all...HOW TO WRITE GOOD
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. They’re old hat.
4. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5. Be more or less specific.
6. Writers should never generalize.
Seven: Be consistent!
8. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
9. Who needs rhetorical questions?
10. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
BONUS: Remember to always trust spellcheck when your righting.
What? #1 - Nooooo!Apt alliteration's artful aid!
An Austrian army, awfully arrayed,
Boldly, by battery, besieged Belgrade;
Cossack commanders cannonading come
Dealing destruction's devastating doom...
Helplessly hoping, her harlequin hovers nearby,
Awaiting a word...
Just off the top of my head (#3).
Errr... don't give up the day job.teehee!
"Seven: Be Consistent!" - I'm stealing that list!
Jay wrote: "Errr... don't give up the day job.teehee!"
I didn't come up with any of them. All of those are fairly well-known examples of alliteration in literature, poetry, and music.
The first is Charles Churchill, from 'The Prophecy of Famine: A Scots Pastoral' (1763), and is often quoted when speaking of alliteration.
The second is an entire poem done in alphabetical alliteration, called "The Siege of Belgrade", possibly written by Alaric Watts (1902). I used to know it by heart as a child.
The third - of course! - is Stephen Stills, the most contemporary example.
There's your history lesson for the day!
I am so incredibly ignorant I sometimes wonder how I get through the day. I hadn't heard of any of them!
Well, I didn't mean to imply that! To be fair, my mother was an English Lit grad from William & Mary, and I got a lot of this sort of thing as a child. I may know more than is...erm, usual...about some of this stuff. Thanks, Mom.
That explains it, the Dutch influence, they always speak perfect English, yes?
Except when they are speaking Anguish. ("Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull, hoe lift wetter murder honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist...")
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! You’re Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
''You got Male"
K.A. wrote: "What? #1 - Nooooo!Apt alliteration's artful aid!
An Austrian army, awfully arrayed,
Boldly, by battery, besieged Belgrade;
Cossack commanders cannonading come
Dealing destruction's devastating d..."
Giving Guinevere Gawain's goodbyes.
don't talk dirty Jay, that arnt the way!
Whoops... That doesn't look at all like an 'A'... Pretty special in itself!!
Not funny, but definitely amazing...Places seen from another angle:
http://themetapicture.com/famous-phot...
Interesting. I would've guessed that the Forbidden City stood off by itself somewhere, among others. Not so! I also never thought about what happens to the Great Wall when it ends...
It was the pyramids that got me. That photo has destroyed my mental picture of them in the middle of the desert.
Jay you will love this, I used to do a lot of business in Cairo and once coming into land a jewish lady sitting next to me as we crossed over the pyramids pointed at them and jabbing me in the ribs said "we built them to last in those days."
Well, she's not wrong - they lasted...I remember orange flavour ices in the shape of pyramids. We loved those Jubblies as kids, the challenge of stopping them shooting out of the paper casing onto the pavement, the sweetness of them, how long they lasted and that last melted bit you had to tip up to drink.
I'm sure you noted who built them didn't you?
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name invain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 540-yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg to the right and a hidden green... I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... but it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'
I hope contributions here continue. Personally, I've only lurked and yukked in silence...
Person 1: Knock KnockPerson 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Micromanager *before any response* Now you say, "Micromanager who?"
Mod
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Micromanager *before any response* Now you say, "Micromanager who?""
Took me a minute
Mod
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Micromanager *before any response* Now you say, "Micromanager who?""
Took me a minute"
Micromanager who?
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