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Jokes, all jokes, and nothing but jokes....
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Jay
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Jan 12, 2013 10:12AM
Shall we play the nighttime/daytime game?
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Wassat? Everyone tries to guess what time zone the other people are in?
Following the horse meat in Tesco burgers kerfuffle, the jokesters have been busy:http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/artic...
A minister was completing a temperance sermon and with great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
See you at the river!
PS: Bring your own glass!
The young minister was telling a member of his congregation that someone had stolen his bicycle. The member suggested that on Sunday he should give a sermon on the Ten Commandments and stress the commandment, "Thy shall not steal". Thinking that it was an outstanding suggestion, he prepared his sermon and on Sunday he started to preach on each of the commandments but failed to finish before church was over. Later the member approached the minister and asked him why he didn't finish the Ten Commandments. The minister replied, "Well, when I came to the commandment,Thy shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle."
How many volunteered for renewing their baptismal?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
Jay wrote: "Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is es..."
I had to Google "Homepride." But once I did, it was very funny.
(hums) "I want a man who brings me Bisquick..."
And Kathy makes Jay turn to Google as a payback for Homepride ;)
Out of curiosity, I looked them both up to see what comes up. I hit on a Betty Crocker site that nearly blew my eyeballs out first thing in the morning with its obnoxious yellow background. Sorry.
oo dip in the lake db yes I'm paying attention
qp Now was not the time to bring up my mother
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
A pert young blond was musing how guilt by hair color was ruining her reputation. She became so agitated that she went for a drive in the country. Just as she was regaining her composure, she rounded a curve and on her left was a plowed field. In the middle of the field sat a rowboat with a blond women inside steadily rowing. She became so belligerent that she turned around, went back to the field, and pulled to the side of the road. "It's blonds like you that give all of us a bad reputation." she shouted. The women in the boat placed her oars carefully in the boat, gave the agitated blond the one finger salute and calmly started rowing again. The agitated blond could contain her anger no more and shouted, "It's a good thing for you that I can't swim, otherwise I would come out there and kick your ass."
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I think we should incorporate that principle into our new Physical Security Plan!
Yeah, I do that on my chastity belt lol!
How did I just notice this thread? I've been reading this instead of working for the last 40 minutes!
I am absolutely NOT checking Goodreads while at work. No sirree.
Jason wrote: "How did I just notice this thread? I've been reading this instead of working for the last 40 minutes!"So spend a few more minutes and give us a new joke.
My jokes are either corny and old:Q: Why don't worms have any balls?
A: Cuz they can't dance.
Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
A: Nice belt.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Or, they're worse... much worse. K.A. read my book. She can vouch for my moderately-to-outright offensive sense of humor.
And, Jason, your book was the first place where I encountered the word "sharted". So I learned something.
Jay wrote: "Yeah, I do that on my chastity belt lol!"Which is why a woman always knows what a man never does.
Sharted... what an excellent word! My son and I often make up words to finish off crosswords. I should have written many of them down as they sounded like really good, descriptive words that fitted the clues well.
I bet there are a whole series of those that could go here...
Yeah, if the word is in the Urban Dictionary, I count it as real.And Jay, you make up words to finish crossword puzzles? For some reason, that strikes me as funnier than most of the jokes here!
I just hate seeing those last blank spaces when I get stuck... What a sad, hopeless case I am!
Three clergy are gathered together, as was their wont, once a week at a local pub to discuss being clergy. Today's topic was the collection plate.The first clergy offers, "I draw a line on the ground. I throw up the collection, and what falls on my side of the line goes to me. The rest goes to the church and God.
The second clergy says, " Well, I do something similar. I draw a circle, and stand in the middle of it, and throw up the offering. Whatever lands in the circle is mine, and whatever lands outside the circle is God's"
The third clergy was laughing all the way through this and between chuckles, admitted, "I throw the offering up in the air. I figure God can grab what he wants while its up there."
Are you ready to groan?Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."
HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat it, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thank it."
Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No, No!" replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."
Well, it is nearly the w/e, which is always silly season for me ;)
So how many people am I about to offend, I wonder? The Jewish grandmother
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
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Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
______________________________________________________________________________-
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
________________________________________________________________________________
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
Just found this thread. Love it! The jokes are great fun!
Official groan registered for the Burns one.
..... but all men...are men! Sure! Pick on the chromosome.
Did a non scientific survey once. Asked twenty five men that I know: if a four hundred pound woman, ugly as homemade sin, was lying naked behind the building would you go look? By the narrowest margin of twenty four to one, they said yes. The blind guy would have but wasn't sure he could find his way.
Mark wrote: "..... but all men...are men! Sure! Pick on the chromosome.
Did a non scientific survey once. Asked twenty five men that I know: if a four hundred pound woman, ugly as homemade sin, was lying nake..."
Make that 26 surveyed, 25 to 1
Hmmm. If it was a man, I'd advance with eyes averted & holding up a sheet.
K.A. wrote: "Hmmm. If it was a man, I'd advance with eyes averted & holding up a sheet."If it was a man, I'd still go look. Why is someone naked behind a building? I would have to know.
I'd need to know if any critters had got squished underneath. And it would be great entertainment watching a 400lb woman try to find something large enough to cover her modesty. And the story behind it all could well be turned into a short...
Three crickets and one unwieldy earthworm were dented but not killed. You see from the responses that men would go because we have to. It's in our DNA. The women added qualifiers. Men are not that refined. I'm laughing as I write this because for all the knowledge acquired and manners taught to us, we still just want to see something naked. Except the blind guy, he wants to feel something naked.
If he doesn't get lost on the way...Have you ever watched someone who's blind? They pick up all kinds of stuff that we shut our senses to to prevent stimuli overload. I reckon the blind guy would have got there, had sex and be back at the bar with another beer before the other fellas had even worked out what was going down.
blind guy would have got there, had sex and be back at the bar with another beerDearest Jay,
Bringing up that someone might be quick on the trigger is only complimentary if he's a gunslinger.lol
Gebra doesn't look all that thrilled about the whole thing...
I want to know how many illegal parking tickets they expect to issue here:http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-...
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
(I know - it's awful!)
Failed to grok, had to look that one up: "What do British/English serve with Fish & Chips?" Got it. Gotta say, mushy bees almost sounds better.
I prefer mine al dente, but my brother and I are planning a trip to the British Isles next year, and I promise I'll try some when we're there!
If you're anywhere near Somerset I'll cook you some :)
I'll let you know! I planned the trip to Germany & the Czech Republic last year; brother gets to plan this one. I know he wants to go to Scotland (which city???) & London...but he's also interested in Croatia...so you never know where we'll end up...
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