Michele > Michele's Quotes

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
― Groucho Marx

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
― Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
― Groucho Marx

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”
― Groucho Marx

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”
― Groucho Marx

“My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”
― Groucho Marx

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
― Groucho Marx

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.”
― Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
― Groucho Marx

“Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer”
― Groucho Marx

“You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!”
― Groucho Marx

“Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.”
― Groucho Marx

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
― Groucho Marx

“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”
― Groucho Marx

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy”
― Groucho Marx

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”
― Groucho Marx

“In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table.

“There goes George,” observed an onlooker. “When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad.”

“That’s the way-it-goes,” nodded Elly Kleinman. “Time wounds all heels.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
― Groucho Marx

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
― Groucho Marx

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
― Groucho Marx

“Humor is reason gone mad.”
― Groucho Marx

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
― Groucho Marx

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”
― Groucho Marx

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”
― Groucho Marx

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
― Groucho Marx

“If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”
― Groucho Marx

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho marx

“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”
― Groucho Marx