Jillian Allen answers “I find Esther's descent into insanity a...”

Maddie asked this question about The Bell Jar:

I find Esther's descent into insanity a little rushed or hasty, but I have never experienced mental trauma like hers. Is it relatable to anyone else? Has anyone gone through what Esther is experiencing and could shed some light on this?

Jillian Allen I am going through the recovery process of a mental breakdown because of clinical depression and anxiety, and I can tell you it is very much like this…moreI am going through the recovery process of a mental breakdown because of clinical depression and anxiety, and I can tell you it is very much like this.

The smallest, most seemingly-unimportant thing can push you right over the edge because you are always so close to the edge. You feel so empty that it's like a hollowness residing in your chest; you don't know what to do with it, you don't know what to do with anything.

A rejection (like Esther receives) can really push you over the edge of "handling it" into "crumbling". I describe clinical depression as feeling like you're stuck in quick sand. You're slowly sinking until you no longer really care enough to struggle against the inevitability you're facing, so you give up. You aren't worried for your own life (you don't see anything to be worried about) because you don't value your own life enough to panic, and no one else can value it for you.

You start to succumb to it all because you can't focus on anything, you can't eat, can't sleep, you cry for what seems like no reason (and it isn't out of sadness). You don't want to bathe, you can't focus on anything you know you need to do. All responsibility goes out the window because nothing really matters to you anymore, and you are just so exhausted all the time. You feel as though you just want to crawl into the chest of every person you meet and go to sleep there for a very long time, like maybe they can do the living for you.

It is terrifying in hindsight, but you aren't terrified as you're going through it because all you are feeling is a very vivid emptiness. It's emptiness, but it let's you know it's there. You can feel the hollowness inside of you, it almost feels like you're already dead, like you're a zombie.

This book chronicles this remarkably well because Sylvia Plath suffered from the same issues she wrote about. It may seem illogical how quickly Esther breaks down but that is only because she was pushed over an edge where she could no longer handle the depression, but it had always been there. That is how it happens. You are drowning in the quick sand, but you aren't fully drowned, you aren't completely under until the last second. You're coping, then you're not.(less)

flag

About Goodreads Q&A

Ask and answer questions about books!

You can pose questions to the Goodreads community with Reader Q&A, or ask your favorite author a question with Ask the Author.

See Featured Authors Answering Questions

Learn more