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carnivorous little corkscrews
male ducks' sexual appendages are shaped like little corkscrews
To give an idea of the maturity of my illustrations for this book, here is my picture of an asshole:
The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to show off their useless education, which consisted of the study of hocus-pocus from ancient times. They were bum poets as well.
Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.
Heliogabalus would have a human being put into the bull through the door, and the door would be locked. Any sounds the human being made in there would come out of the mouth of the bull. Heliogabalus would have guests in for a nice party, with plenty of food and wine and beautiful women and pretty boys—and Heliogabalus would have a servant light kindling. The kindling was under dry firewood—which was under the bull.
oh! wie süß!
Trout did another thing which some people might have considered eccentric: he called mirrors leaks. It amused him to pretend that mirrors were holes between two universes. If he saw a child near a mirror, he might wag his finger at a child warningly, and say with great solemnity, “Don’t get too near that leak. You wouldn’t want to wind up in the other universe, would you?” Sometimes somebody would say in his presence, “Excuse me, I have to take a leak.” This was a way of saying that the speaker intended to drain liquid wastes from his body through a valve in his lower abdomen. And Trout would
...more
ok, this one is rather funny
The illustrations for this book were murky photographs of several white women giving blow jobs to the same black man, who, for some reason, wore a Mexican sombrero.
.....what...?...
im finding it difficult to not highlight everything. im under a giggle fit in the middle of my italian class
It was somehow decided that wide-open beavers, which were ten thousand times as common as real beavers, should be the most massively defended secret under law.
“So now we can build an unselfish society by devoting to unselfishness the frenzy we once devoted to gold and to underpants.”
“They even had a saying about the futility of ideas: ‘If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.’
“That’s the most intelligent use of three wishes I ever heard of,” he told the bird. “You made sure you’d still have something worth wishing for—to get out of the cage.”
Harry LeSabre might have weathered all this with only minor damage, if only Harry hadn’t been a secret transvestite. On weekends he liked to dress up in women’s clothing, and not drab clothing, either. Harry and his wife would pull down the window blinds, and Harry would turn into a bird of paradise.
oh my god
Trout had also bought a packaged ensemble consisting of a cumberbund, a boutonnière, and a bow tie. They were all the color of tangerines.
fit check!
Here was the plot: A flying saucer creature named Zog arrived on Earth to explain how wars could be prevented and how cancer could be cured. He brought the information from Margo, a planet where the natives conversed by means of farts and tap dancing. Zog landed at night in Connecticut. He had no sooner touched down than he saw a house on fire. He rushed into the house, farting and tap dancing, warning the people about the terrible danger they were in. The head of the house brained Zog with a golfclub.
they were accosted by humanoid whores, who offered them eggs and oranges and milk and butter and peanuts and so on. The whores couldn’t actually deliver these goodies, of course.
Like all Earthlings at the point of death, Mary Young sent faint reminders of herself to those who had known her. She released a small cloud of telepathic butterflies, and one of these brushed the cheek of Dwayne Hoover, nine miles away.
Sometimes they even stuffed bad chemicals up their assholes. Their assholes looked like this: •
The white farmers down there weren’t using machines made out of meat anymore, though, because machines made out of metal were cheaper and more reliable, and required simpler homes.
It was as though they had surrendered themselves to Jesus, for instance, so they could live unselfishly and trustingly—except that they had surrendered to a pimp instead.
The planet was being destroyed by manufacturing processes, and what was being manufactured was lousy, by and large.
‘Up your ass with Mobil gas,’ ”
anticonservation story
“Excuse me,” said the truck driver to Trout, “I’ve got to take a leak.” “Back where I come from,” said Trout, “that means you’re going to steal a mirror. We call mirrors leaks.”
i cant wait to use this one. it's so good
Behind his mask was a young man in the terminal stages of nostalgia and lover’s nuts.
Because of the peculiar laws in that part of the planet, Rockefeller was allowed to own vast areas of Earth’s surface, and the petroleum and other valuable minerals underneath the surface, as well. He owned or controlled more of the planet than many nations. This had been his destiny since infancy. He had been born into that cockamamie proprietorship.
“Them bubbles is halfway up to the Cathedral now,” said Lyle. “The way they’re coming, they’ll be up to Moby Dick in a week or two.”
i wonder what prof. annika would have to say about this book
An apple was a popular fruit which looked like this:
Im eating an apple right now!
he gets me.
When the employee went away, Wayne would drift back to the used cars, keeping the boiled eggs of his eyes peeled for the real Dwayne Hoover.
so. good.
The women all had big minds because they were big animals, but they did not use them much for this reason: unusual ideas could make enemies, and the women, if they were going to achieve any sort of comfort and safety, needed all the friends they could get. So, in the interests of survival, they trained themselves to be agreeing machines instead of thinking machines. All their minds had to do was to discover what other people were thinking, and then they thought that, too.
the clitoris, a tiny meat cylinder which was right above the hole in women where men were supposed to stick their much larger cylinders.
They abandoned their husbands or lovers for him, in Trout’s story, and Ralston Valentine became President of the United States, thanks to the votes of women.
so all joe needed to do was sandpaper his fingers?
His great wang lay across his thigh like a salami. It slumbered now.
“You know what I keep thinking?” said Francine. Dwayne snuffled. “This would be a very good location for a Colonel Sanders Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise.”
or perhaps a parking lot, a boutique, or just a swingin hot spot!
Another animal invented by the Creator of the Universe was a Mexican beetle which could make a blank-cartridge gun out of its rear end. It could detonate its own farts and knock over other bugs with shock waves. Word of Honor—I read about it in an article on strange animals in Diners’ Club Magazine.
dad was right; vonnegut is hilarious
“I’ve got to talk to somebody,” said Dwayne. “You can talk to Mommy, if you want,” said Francine. She meant that she was Mommy.
oh my god
Trout wrote a novel one time which he called How You Doin’? and it was about national averages for this and that. An advertising agency on another planet had a successful campaign for the local equivalent of Earthling peanut butter.
the inter-stellar john harvey kellog
The ad went on to say that superior and inferior people alike ate such and such brand of peanut butter. Except that it wasn’t really peanut butter on that planet. It was Shazzbutter
(put on your sneakmers because this sentence is about to run, and you've gotta chase it!)
i'm making a (not my own) case that america is the main representative for the earth due to the fact that a peanutbutter prototype is the quintessential food in the advertising scheme of a non-existent planet in a non-existent book in a fictional novel by kurt vonnegut.
And then the Earthling armored space ships came in and discovered the planet.
'discovered'
they're the new pirates
The bear was attempting to get a line on why The Man did what he did. He would ask, for instance, “Why did you yell, ‘Cheese’?” And The Man would tell him mockingly, “Because I felt like it, you stupid machine.”
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, in exchange for a new handkerchief, a piece of fruit, a bunch of flowers, and thirty-five dollars, taught Bunny to close his eyes, and to say this euphonious nonsense word to himself over and over again: “Aye-eeeeem, aye-eeeeem, aye-eeeeem.”
the perfect exchange
an excellent song
Bunny was sent away to military school, an institution devoted to homicide and absolutely humorless obedience, when he was only ten years old.
its quicker and easier to eat your young
I had bought a pair of sunglasses at a Holiday Inn outside of Ashtabula, Ohio, where I spent the night before. I wore them in the darkness now. They looked like this:
familiar...
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.
Trout trudged onward, a stranger in a strange land.
he is a foreign man. he is surrounded by the sound
victory, janus, chronos, and gaea
giulio romano
I put the first most decorated veteran in Midland City on the other end. He had a penis eight hundred miles long and two hundred and ten miles in diameter, but practically all of it was in the fourth dimension. He got his medals in the war in Viet Nam. He had also fought yellow robots who ran on rice.
We had tortured circles until they coughed up this symbol of their secret lives:
The Temptation of Saint Anthony.
Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.
a glass of which by any other name, including yeast excrement, would still taste as sweet
