101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

by H. Norman Wright

“If you’re thinking of committing your life to someone for the rest of your life, identify the nonnegotiables. Don’t do this after the fact. Consider these nonnegotiables: —If your partner hurts you physically, don’t proceed. It won’t get better. —Emotional abuse is more difficult to identify but it can involve lack of respect, controlling, etc. —Does the other person put you before their parents’ wishes or are they controlled by their parents? The scriptural teaching of ‘leave their mother and father’ includes emotional as well as physical. —Don’t plan on a marriage fixing your current problems. It compounds them. Work on fixing them now, but if you can’t repair them… —If you feel inhibited in what you talk about and can’t bring up your needs and concerns now, it won’t improve. Try new approaches now. —If you find yourself saying ‘I love him or her, but…’ why would you think of proceeding?” Remember, a wedding is exciting but it lasts for just one day. Is this the person you want across the breakfast table from you every morning?4

Don’t marry just for sex. Physical intimacy alone won’t keep a marriage together. You need the emotional, social, spiritual, intellectual, and recreational intimacy as well. How do you feel if you spend a day with your partner just hanging out and talking? If it’s intolerable, why are you together? If you haven’t recovered from a previous relationship, you’re not ready for a new one. If your partner has an addiction and isn’t in a recovery program, you’re not their therapist. And promises to reform aren’t a basis for marriage. If the two of you are totally opposite, what delights you now will probably be a pain in the neck later.

Every relationship can be a learning experience. For some it makes them wiser, while for others it makes them wary. Note whether the responses are basically blaming the other person. Did your partner learn more about the opposite sex or about themselves in these previous relationships? What would they do differently in your relationship?

We hear a lot today about compatibility. What does this mean to you? Compatibility means being capable of living together harmoniously, or getting along well together. It means to be in agreement, to combine well. It also means blending together so a relationship enhances, instead of interferes with, each partner’s capabilities. A couple needs to work on compatibility in all areas of their relationship. Those who become compatible have certain characteristics or skills that help them develop compatibility: They flex, stretch, adapt, and change. There’s no other way.

Remember this too: Partial compatibility doesn’t work very well. It only leads to holes in the relationship. Becoming compatible is a developmental process, but if someone doesn’t know what compatibility is, how can it grow?