101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

by H. Norman Wright

The Perfect Remedy for Cold Feet!

More than half of all couples who become engaged this year will never make it to the altar. Why? Leading experts believe it's because couples fail to really get to know their potential mate before getting engaged. Relationship expert and noted couples counselor Norm Wright steers potential brides and grooms through a series of soul-searching questions to discern if they've really met "the One."

Couples will be much more confident about whether or not to pursue marriage after completing these in-depth and personal questions. Norm also addresses the delicate subject of calling off the wedding if readers discover that a potential mate isn't actually meant to be a life partner.

Genres: Relationships, Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Religion, Love

146 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2004

About the author

H. Norman Wright is a well-respected Christian counselor who has helped thousands of people improve their relationships and deal with grief, tragedy, and other concerns. He helps couples bring vibrancy to their relationships through counseling, seminars, and more than 90 books, including Before You Say “I Do” and After You Say “I Do.” Norm also reveals insights for spiritual growth, great relationships, and success in devotionals that include Strong to the Core, Quiet Times for Every Parent, and Truly Devoted: What Dogs Teach Us About Life, Love, and Loyalty. www.hnormanwright.com

Reviews

[Melody · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fantastic.
When my husband was courting me (yes I use the word court, because marriage was our goal from the day we met each other and we weren't able to date in the 'normal' sense) we went over this book of 101 questions to ask each other. Covering topics like

- How we were raised, our family dynamics, our expectations of family and marriage
- Former dating/marital/sexual relationships if there were any
- Our view of the church, Jesus, denomination, doctrine, other religions etc
- Expectations of behaviour, roles in a spouse
- Habitual sin, former abuse issues
- Our views on sex, children, finances, health, aging etc
- And other simple little dating questions like preferences re leisure activities, food, books, movies, music etc

Instead of prenup agreements I rechon this book should be compulsory reading to EVERY couple who want to get a wedding licence and get married. Its great. If you go over the questions with someone you figure out pretty quickly whether things will work out in the long run or not.

My husband and I met online in September 2009. By December he arrived in New Zealand to meet me and after two weeks of that visit we fell in love with each other. During our online friendship I had already asked him questions about those sorts of topics and after his visit we knew we would pursue engagement and marriage and this book really helped us run a fine comb over our relationship since we knew we would have to spend our entire "dating" relationship apart in two different countries. That entire period was spent in pre arranging our marriage pretty much. By the time he moved to New Zealand a year later, we sat down with a older couple in our church who put us through extensive separate premarital tests and they told us we were the first case they had seen to ace it (we scored in the 90-100% margin for compatibility re agreement on issues) all thanks to this book that we read prior to our engagement.

I totally recommend it.
Even if your dating the 'normal' way and don't want to freak out the one your with with intensive questions, you can still discuss them by changing how you tone them and put them into conversation. But if they sideline these questions and refuse to answer them, run away! You have the right to know what you're getting into..

[Ineta Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book and highly recommend it for dating couples! As it is written in the book "Never marry (or get engaged) to a stranger" and what I see in some married couples life who I consider as healthy successful marriages, the key thing is to truly know each other. Very often people know each other only in a very shallow level before getting married and very often they stay on the same level in the marriage too.
This book is a great tool to open up deep conversations on spiritual, emotional, financial, physical, etc. topics. Most of these questions I hardly ever asked myself first of all! This book helped to see that I and my now fiance have much more things in common than I thought.

[Yen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book for dating or engaged couples! There’s a short introduction on marriage discernment and then it goes into 101 questions that you can go over with your significant other.

Being a Christian-based book, the questions revolve around your faith life and bring up topics such as upbringing, family dynamics, finances, values, life vision, relationship history, dating within marriage, expectations, parenting and how you both can bring your children up in the training and admonition of God. I feel like despite knowing so much about each other already, we had fun doing this book and still had new things to talk about! Some of the questions will be hard/uncomfortable (and some fun) but I do believe they allow us to know how to serve each other better and be more marriage-compatible going down the road.

p.s. he proposed! :)

[Nicole C. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am nowhere near engaged at this point in my life. I'm not even dating anyone! However, I was curious to see what sort of questions were included in this book. And there are some good ones, very thought-provoking - some of which, I'm embarrassed to say, I never thought to ask in my previous relationships.

The book is written from a Christian point of view, so bear in mind that there will be some religious questions. However, not as many as I thought.

[Dana Nield · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic book for dating couples to get to know each other better if they are starting to talk about engagement! The introduction is titled "Warning---Never Marry (or Get Engaged to) a Stranger" and invites readers to take a serious look at the relationship and make a concentrated effort to get to know the other person. Each question can range from a ten minute conversation to forty-five minutes or an hour, which is so wonderful. They open up so many conversations.

The book is presented from a Christian perspective, including questions like "Describe your spiritual journey over the past ten years, including high and low points." Another example: "Is it easy or difficult for you to pray with a person you're in a relationship with, and for what reason?"

Many of the questions are more general and important for literally anyone in relationships to talk about. "To what degree are you a saver or a spender when it comes to money?" The fourth question in this book examines how you plan to discipline your children. Question 53 literally asks what baggage you're bringing into the relationship. Ouch! The questions are challenging and awesome.

"What are five reasons a person would want to spend the rest of their life with you, and three reasons they wouldn't?" "What is there about my life and personality that concerns you at this time?" "During a conflict, a person either yields, withdraws, compromises, wins, or resolves. Which of these tends to be your style?" "What about your partner makes you proud of them?"

I definitely recommend this for dating couples who are discerning engagement. A really awesome tool to get to know someone better!

[Julius · Rating 3 out of 5]

A guy who has written 90+ books over the course of his lifetime, clearly must have something to say… right?

Unfortunately, H. Norman Wright does not only have a strictly Christian, but also utmost 'conservative' world view, so that every other question goes like this:

>> How has your relationship with Jesus Christ changed since your current relationship? <<
>> What do you think are God‘s purposes for marriage? <<
>> What do you think the Scripture means in Ephesians 5:25 and 22 when it says, “Husbands, love your wives just like Christ loved the Church,“ and “Wives, submit yourselves to your husband“? <<

In addition to each question, the author also provides short elaboration. These may go like this:

>> We would all like to have our baggage fit in the attaché case, but nowadays there are expandable cases! Baggage could be rejections, abuse, promiscuity, homosexuality, … <<

Okay…?

Apart from all that, I did find some 20 questions valuable and will take these away for meaningful conversations in the future.

That’s why, conclusively, I am giving this book 3/5 stars.

[Eliza Lemmon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do not be scared away by the seemingly daunting title of this book. This book is helpful to go through with the person you're dating, even if engagement/marriage is a far thought. If marriage is a thought at all, which I believe it should be if you're pursuing someone in dating, I would encourage you to go through this book. Wright poses questions ranging from basic to those one wouldn't think to ask. I found this book very helpful and would recommend!

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend!

[Jae · Rating 5 out of 5]

This definitely brought us closer together after a few hard discussions. I look forward to looking back at our responses as we continue to grow together.

[Ben Omer · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

#1 takeaway: questions are important to ask in any relationship

[Genevieve West · Rating 5 out of 5]

These are great conversation starters, whether you've just met, are headed to the alter, cohabit, or are in a long-distance relationship. If you don't hate each other by the end of this book, I'd say go get yourselves some pre-engagement counseling, pop the question, and get yourselves hitched!

My husband and I learned more about each other during this book than in the three years of dating prior. We discovered that we did not agree 100%, but that we valued clarity over agreement and were able to communicate and navigate through our differences.

Every couple needs this book before walking down the isle!

[Quantum · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's always amazing to be prepared before ha d for any life events. The concept of this book is to explore the vulnerabilities within oneself and talk about it to the other person in a very honest way. The outcome of the book ensures that each is well informed about the insecurities of the other and thus sets the relationship for better quality of expectations

[Travis Herring · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the questions in here seem to be for two people who have just met, not just about to get engaged. You must wade through inane and frustrating questions to get to the few that prompt any sort of engaging discussion. If two people can get through the questions in this book, then they should get engaged because they can get through anything.

[Perri · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5 stars

I'm not the target audience for this christian-centric book, but my now-fiancé and I selected questions we were interested in as conversation starters on road trips for the past several months with good success! Potential reader be warned, the author shared some very strong opinions, which made it seem like some of the questions had right and wrong answers versus just being exploratory. I found this distracting and occasionally off-putting (some of these were quite outdated perspectives on human sexuality, just a note).

Overall I would recommend this book as a guide to friends who wanted to know they've covered all the big topics (family, religion, money, career, values, etc.) when it comes to commitment.

[Trisha McHugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy, to-the-point, practical, and overall phenomenal read. Would even encourage those who are married to read!

[Christian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for conversation starters with your potential spouse.

[Omnia Mohyee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm surprised by how much we should know before making such a big step! Don't know why I read this but it was a good one.

[Kathryn Fuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

We didn't *quite* finish before jumping into premarital books. These questions were fun, and super helpful, and created space for interesting conversation.

[Bekah Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good tool to spark conversation and to understand your potential spouse better. Many of the questions we had already thought through and discussed before reading this book, but it may help other couples who have not considered those things.

[Athena Deck · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has a good number of great questions, but the set up for the book in the intro makes it sound like: You need an excuse to break up, let us help you find one. Anyone who struggles with being self-aware the least bit or putting their thoughts into words is going to get dumped by someone reading this book every time.
The ideas behind the questions are great, but I prefer something with more coaching and also one that stresses the importance of thinking about YOUR answers to the questions. It felt like a test that you had a cheat sheet to. Yes, let's talk about God's purpose for marriage, but what does testing me on that communicate to me?
I could never recommend this to anyone.

[Robert · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife and I went through this book before getting married. I'm glad we did this book. It asks questions that I would never think of asking. It also helped us sit down and think about how as husband and wife we would tackle certain issues and situations and understand each other's backgrounds better. We took one of those compatibility tests in pre-marital counseling and nailed it!!! Just an FYI - I added one more question to the book. After answering the book's last question I asked my wife to marry me.

[Sophie Colon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and went thru the questions with a friend that was very interested in me. It helps to bring out dialogue that is important yet awkward in some instances to ask. I’ve purchased it since then for several people. A must read especially if your trying to figure out deal breakers versus deal makers. Also helps to see the “red flags” up front. Definitely separates the men from the boys - a time (and life) saver!

[Jung · Rating 1 out of 5]

"101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged: Essential Inquiries for Lasting Love" by H. Norman Wright offers a comprehensive guide for couples considering marriage. Wright emphasizes the importance of delving deeply into each other’s lives, beyond the surface level of attraction and infatuation, to build a strong foundation for a lifelong partnership. The book is structured to help couples navigate through crucial discussions, uncovering vital aspects of each other's personalities, values, and expectations.

Wright draws a parallel between choosing a life partner and buying a car without knowing its history. Just as it’s unwise to purchase a car without understanding its condition, it’s similarly imprudent to marry someone without deeply understanding them. Many find themselves married to someone they barely know, which can lead to regret and dissatisfaction. Building a lasting relationship requires thorough knowledge of your partner, akin to performing due diligence before making any significant purchase.

The book stresses that marital satisfaction is closely tied to the depth and breadth of experiences shared before marriage. The longer and better you know someone, the more likely you are to have a fulfilling marriage. This acquaintanceship allows for a better understanding of your partner, recognition of mutual strengths and weaknesses, and making well-informed decisions about your future together. However, it’s not just about asking questions but asking the right ones. These questions should go beyond superficial inquiries to cover significant and sometimes uncomfortable topics, such as potential red flags, differences in values, and unresolved personal issues.

Wright emphasizes that the journey towards a lasting partnership involves engaging in deep discussions that uncover the essential aspects defining each individual. Questions like "What experiences have made you feel most open and why?" and "What apprehensions do you have about marriage and how have you addressed them?" foster an environment of trust and open communication. Reflecting on childhood experiences and discipline methods, such as "How were you disciplined growing up, and how would you want to discipline our future children?" enables couples to align their parenting philosophies. Questions like "What qualities do you think make you a good partner, and where do you see room for growth?" promote self-awareness and dialogue on strengths and areas for improvement.

This phase involves building a foundation for collective dreams, daily realities, and an overarching vision for life together. Discussions on spiritual growth, financial planning, and expectations for marriage are crucial. Questions like "How has your faith evolved, and how do you envision it playing a role in our future?" and "What are your expectations around managing finances together?" are essential for establishing mutual understanding. Parenting philosophies and individual aspirations are also important to discuss. Questions such as "What are your thoughts on parenting styles, and how many children do you picture having?" and "Where do we see ourselves in ten years?" encourage alignment on fundamental life choices.

Navigating the practicalities of daily living and handling challenges is essential for a successful marriage. Discussions on maintaining family relationships, managing household duties, and aligning on parenting are necessary. Questions like "How do we maintain strong bonds with our loved ones while setting necessary boundaries?" and "What are your financial goals, and how do we plan to manage our finances together?" help lay the groundwork for a secure future. Exploring personal space and hobbies through questions like "How do you balance personal interests with our time as a couple?" emphasizes the need for respect and understanding of individual needs.

The final phase focuses on emotional and spiritual intricacies, fostering a profound understanding and connection. How each partner deals with conflict is crucial. Questions like "When you face disagreements, do you tend to seek compromise, or do you withdraw?" help understand each other’s approaches to conflict resolution. Spiritual alignment and past experiences are also important. Questions like "Can you share a particularly meaningful church experience?" and "What are the key lessons you’ve learned from past relationships?" encourage a candid discussion on the dynamics with ex-partners and the overarching importance of honesty.

"101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" is more than a guide; it’s a transformative journey towards understanding, acceptance, and a mutual vision for the future. It reaffirms that a relationship grounded in honesty, respect, and spiritual alignment is the foundation of a fulfilling life together. Through comprehensive engagement, couples can build a robust foundation for their partnership, characterized by emotional depth, spiritual harmony, and unwavering commitment to each other’s growth and well-being. By exploring questions that probe beneath the surface, couples can foster a connection rooted in mutual understanding, respect, and a shared vision for the future. This journey promises a future where love deepens, and dreams converge into a harmonious life shared with your partner, ensuring that your relationship is built on a solid foundation, ready to face life’s challenges and embrace its joys together.

[Zuzana · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good list of conversation starters for dating couples. For eHarmony people a number of these will have been covered before you even meet the person (and that's a good thing), but it's always good to think about important issues up front.

[Allison Anderson Armstrong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Didn't entirely get through all the questions in this, but we did what we could before the big day...maybe I'll keep going with it, but I just want it off my currently reading list, lol! I'd definitely recommend this book with all its questions to anyone engaged. Brings up good stuff.

[Marcy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't tend to write reviews, but I will today!
This book I wish I had 20 years ago during my first relationship! Would have saved me a lot of heartache (maybe a lil dramatic) !! I've been dating my significate other about 8 months now and our conversations are pretty easy flowing and very open. We communicate very well. This book went over a lot of areas of our lives we already covered. Some questions were of things we never talked about and I think were crucial. Things you normally wouldn't think to ask. This book is faith based, and I'm certain some of the major keys points I took from this book is that I needed to get closer to my faith.

I do think it is a good tool to have for couples! Use this book to learn more about each other!
my significate other and myself really enjoyed this.... we did learn a lot from reading it. we also feel more confident that our values match.

If you have past trauma, be cautious! I do, and as we all like to believe were working to heal those. Some question are still a trigger.

Something special about this book that I will take with me years to come is that putting God first in any relationship is important. We take that for grated, I believe. We always think we can fix things ourselves.

Would I use this book to determine if I'm meant to be with someone or not, meh...that is a probable ..no. I did take everything mentioned and applied it to all areas of my relationship.
It did make me feel like I am ready to take the next step in my relationship.

Thank you for taking time to read my review, I hope it helps you to want to at least read it.

[Clurtle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Every Christian couple should definitely read this, though I’d say there’s a lot to offer to the non-believer as well. There’s a lot of just plain healthy advice which stands out in a dating landscape that’s all over the place. My generation is at this point foregoing marriage because no one can realistically make a bet on the future with a partner who feels they can ask to commit infidelity and considers you the toxic one for refusing their ask. In that world, committing yourself to each other under the rules that God put in place in Christianity just doesn’t seem all that bad, and that’s coming from someone who’s experienced most temptations of the flesh. This book actually renewed my faith quite a bit and set me on a journey to really focus on cleaning up my life and relationships before even bringing someone else into my life.

You should be showing a pattern of improvement in your life when you meet your partner. If you’re losing your faith, that speaks poorly for the marriage. A marriage built on faith creates a solid foundation that you and the partner can have clear communication and expectations for. So, it’s no surprise that Wright really pokes at the holes in your faith to make sure you both even have the same interpretations of faith and marital expectations which many don’t given the anecdote I gave above.

[Vampyr · Rating 5 out of 5]

There was only one way to do things in the Statton house. That one way was to do exactly what the father, Charlie, demanded. He made the decisions and everyone else followed without question. That was until today.
Out of another, I get a lovely view of the bay and a little private wharf belonging to the estate. There is a beautiful shaded lane that runs down there from the house. I always fancy I see people walking in these numerous paths and arbors, but John has cautioned me not to give way to fancy in the least. He says that with my imaginative power and habit of story-making a nervous weakness like mine is sure to lead to all manner of excited fancies and that I ought to use my will and good sense to check the tendency. So I try.
It wasn't quite yet time to panic. There was still time to salvage the situation. At least that is what she was telling himself. The reality was that it was time to panic and there wasn't time to salvage the situation, but he continued to delude himself into believing there was.

[Mobley-Carter Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I began reading this it was as if my eyes were glued to the pages. The content is vitally important to one's future. Discussing these questions with someone who wants to marry another deepens the connection, conveying a realistic perspective of areas within a relationship that need improvement, areas that need prayer, and areas of strength. Topics of discussion mentioned in this book include: relationship fears, relationship ideals, perspectives on pornography in a marriage, how each person handles discomfort, involvement in church, emotional baggage, financial issues, financial goals, educational goals, and much more. These discussion questions are appropriate for journaling about as well discussing. I have discussed questions #2, #21, #51, #78, #68, and the emotional intimacy is strengthened through this content. Thanks be to you, H. Norman Wright.

[Enjeru · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s important to delve deep into your partner’s world – uncovering their values, aspirations, and the essence of who they are – to build a relationship that stands the test of time. By exploring questions that probe beneath the surface, you can foster a connection that’s rooted in mutual understanding, respect, and a shared vision for the future. These dialogues aren’t just conversations but pathways to building a resilient bond that thrives on emotional depth and spiritual harmony. As you move forward, you’ll do so with the assurance that your relationship is built on a solid foundation, ready to face life’s challenges and embrace its joys together. This journey, filled with introspection and shared discoveries, promises a future where love deepens, and dreams converge into a harmonious life shared with your best friend – your partner.