The Art of Seduction

by Robert Greene

seductive. Falling in love is a matter not of magic but of psychology. Once you understand your target’s psychology, and strategize to suit it, you will be better able to cast a “magical” spell. A seducer sees love not as sacred but as warfare, where all is fair.

First, self-absorption is a sign of insecurity; it is anti-seductive. Everyone has insecurities, but seducers manage to ignore them, finding therapy for moments of self-doubt by being absorbed in the world. This gives them a buoyant spirit—we want to be around them. Second, getting into someone’s skin, imagining what it is like to be them, helps the seducer gather valuable information, learn what makes that person tick, what will make them lose their ability to think straight and fall into a trap.

Getting into the targets’ skin is the first important tactical move in the war of penetration.

Every seduction has two elements that you must analyze and understand: first, yourself and what is seductive about you; and second, your target and the actions that will penetrate their defenses and create surrender.

The royal road to seduction is to play up your vulnerability and helplessness.

Do not proclaim yourself a victim or underdog, but reveal it in your manner, in your confusion. A display of “natural” weakness will make you instantly lovable, both lowering people’s defenses and making them feel delightfully superior to you.

Put yourself in situations that make you seem weak, in which someone else has the advantage; they are the bully, you are the innocent lamb.

The consequence was that, like a child, she never felt she had to try to please. It was Cora’s powerful air of independence that made men want to possess her, tame her.

Since their spirit and natural energy were never tamed by a disciplining parent, as adults they are adventurous and bold, and often impish or brazen.

People are drawn to those who expect a lot out of life, whereas they tend to disrespect those who are fearful and undemanding.

Wild independence has a provocative effect on us: it appeals to us, while also presenting us with a challenge—we want to be the one to tame it, to make the spirited person dependent on us. Half of seduction is stirring such competitive desires.

Remember: the role you were given in life is not the role you have to accept. You can always live out a role of your own creation, a role that fits your fantasy. Learn to play with your image, never taking it too seriously. The key is to infuse your play with the conviction and feeling of a child, making it seem natural. The more absorbed you seem in your own joy-filled world, the more seductive you become.

Self-esteem is critical in seduction. (Your attitude toward yourself is read by the other person in subtle and unconscious ways.) Low self-esteem repels, confidence and self-sufficiency attract. The less you seem to need other people, the more likely others will be drawn to you.

Experiencing a pleasure once, we yearn to repeat it; so the Coquette gives us pleasure, then withdraws it.

Sadness of any sort is also seductive, particularly if it seems deep-rooted, even spiritual, rather than needy or pathetic—it makes people come to you.

Learn to cast the Charmer’s spell by aiming at people’s primary weaknesses: vanity and self-esteem.

Make them the star of the show and they will become addicted to you and grow dependent on you.

“Of all the flowers, the one that retains its beauty longest, is sweet primrose.”

Our personalities are often molded by how we are treated: if a parent or spouse is defensive or argumentative in dealing with us, we tend to respond the same way.

Never mistake people’s exterior characteristics for reality, for the character they show on the surface may be merely a reflection of the people with whom they have been most in contact, or a front disguising its own opposite.

Charmers may appear to be weaker than their targets but in the end they are the more powerful side because they have stolen the ability to resist.

There should be a little bit of tension—the victim may fear you a little, even slightly dislike you.

All of these show that you are having an effect on a person who is open to your influence.

People who are outwardly distant or shy are often better targets than extroverts. They are dying to be drawn out, and still waters run deep.

What if they think they are in control? That is the power of indirection and no seducer can work his or her magic without it.

If, in the opening stages, you can make your targets think that they are the ones making the first approach, you have won the game.

Worst of all, it gives your targets no room for imagination. Take a step back; let the thoughts you are provoking come to them as if they were their own. This is doubly important if you are dealing with someone who has a deep effect on you.

Learn to disguise your feelings and let people figure out what is happening for themselves.

Display too much of one quality—even if it is a noble one, like knowledge or efficiency—and people will feel that you lack humanity. We are all complex and ambiguous, full of contradictory impulses; if you show only one side, even if it is your good side, you will wear on people’s nerves.

Everything depends on your target: do not bother creating depth for people who are insensitive to it, or who may even be put off or disturbed by it. You can recognize such types by their preference for the simpler pleasures in life, their lack of patience for a more nuanced story. With them, keep it simple.

Desire is both imitative (we like what others like) and competitive (we want to take away from others what they have).

Make people compete for your attention, make them see you as sought after by everyone else.

By placing himself in the middle but keeping himself aloof from it all, he made everyone compete for his attention. He stirred people’s desire to possess him by holding back.

According to Stendhal, if there is a woman you are interested in, pay attention to her sister. That will stir a triangular desire.

Your own reputation may not be so alluring, but you must find a way to suggest to your victim that others, many others, have found you desirable.

The desire to have someone fill up our emptiness is the weakness on which all seducers prey.

What you want is a wound, an insecurity you can expand a little, an anxiety that can best be relieved by involvement with another person, namely you.

People who are riddled with insecurities may require the gentler variety. Once they feel comfortable with you, aim your arrows.

Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adapt yourself to their moods. In doing so you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses.

When you mirror people, you focus intense attention on them. They will sense the effort you are making, and will find it flattering. Obviously you have chosen them, separating them out from the rest. There seems to be nothing else in your life but them—their moods, their tastes, their spirit. The more you focus on them, the deeper the spell you produce, and the intoxicating effect you have on their vanity.

Promises and flattery are music to anyone’s ears. This is language designed to move people and lower their resistance. It is language designed for them, not directed at them.

Flattery is seductive language in its purest form. Its purpose is not to express a truth or a real feeling, but only to create an effect on the recipient.

Disraeli used a different tactic: he stayed calm. When the time came to reply to an attack, he would slowly make his way to the speaker’s table, pause, then utter a humorous or sarcastic retort.

Everyone would laugh. Now that he had warmed people up, he would proceed to refute his enemy, still mixing in amusing comments; or perhaps he would simply move on to another subject, as if he were above it all. His humor took out the sting of any attack on him. Laughter and applause have a domino effect: once your listeners have laughed, they are more likely to laugh again. In this lighthearted mood they are also more apt to listen. A subtle touch and a bit of irony give you room to persuade them, move them to your side, mock your enemies. That is the seductive form of argument.

use silence to cultivate an enigmatic presence.

In phase one, you are cautious and indirect. It is often best to disguise your intentions, to put your target at ease with deliberately neutral words. Your conversation should be harmless, even a bit bland. In this second phase, you turn more to the attack; this is the time for seductive language. Now when you envelop them in your seductive words and letters, it comes as a pleasant surprise. It gives them the immensely pleasing feeling that they are the ones to suddenly inspire you with such poetry and intoxicating words.

The key to distracting people (seduction is distraction) is to fill their eyes and ears with details, little rituals, colorful objects.

It is a childish weakness of ours: we prefer to focus on the pleasant little details rather than on the larger picture.

You sense when they are defensive and retreat. You also sense when they are giving in, and move forward. In between, the details you set up—gifts, entertainments, the clothes you wear, the flowers you choose—are aimed precisely at their tastes and predilections.

She danced to perfection, wrote songs in his honor that she sang magnificently, had a way of looking at him that made his blood boil with desire. She quickly became his favorite.