Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

by John C. Maxwell

EXTRA EFFORT—people go the extra mile UNSOLICITED APPRECIATION—they say positive things UNGUARDED OPENNESS—they demonstrate trust INCREASED COMMUNICATION—they express themselves more readily ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCES—they feel good about what they’re doing EMOTIONAL BONDEDNESS—they display a connection on an emotional level POSITIVE ENERGY—their emotional “batteries” are charged by being together GROWING SYNERGY—their effectiveness is greater than the sum of the contributions UNCONDITIONAL LOVE—they are accepting without reservation

how can you make your words count?

Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.

Because the ability to communicate and connect with others is a major determining factor in reaching your potential.

“To connect is to join, but to make a connection there has to be rapport,”

“people want to be made to feel connected and a part of something.”

When I was a kid, I wanted to connect with my parents, not just because I loved them but also because I suspected that if I had a good connection with my mother, it might keep me from getting a spanking when I misbehaved.

Have you ever experienced similar things? Maybe you are the most skilled person in an area at work, yet you never get promoted. Or you work hard and produce, but others don’t seem to appreciate what you do. Or maybe you desire to build relationships with people around you, but they don’t seem to listen to you the way they do to others. Or you want to create an effective team—or just become part of a good team—but you are made to feel like an outsider. What’s the problem? It’s connection.

To succeed with other people, you need to be able to connect.

When you connect with others, you position yourself to make the most of your skills and talents.

People whom I saw connect with others had better relationships, experienced less conflict, and got more things done than those who didn’t connect.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Late one afternoon, one of these Rangers saw Rodriguez slipping across the border back into Mexico and trailed him at a discreet distance. He watched as the outlaw returned to his home village and mingled with the people in the square. When Rodriquez went into his favorite cantina to relax, the Ranger slipped in and managed to get the drop on him. With a pistol to the bank robber’s head, the lawman said, “Jorge Rodriguez, I know who you are. I’ve come to get back all the money that you have stolen from the banks in Texas. Unless you give it to me, I am going to blow your brains out.” Rodriguez could see the man’s badge and could discern his hostile intent. But there was a problem. He didn’t speak English. He began speaking rapidly in Spanish. But the Ranger couldn’t understand what he said, because he didn’t speak Spanish. Just then a young boy came up and said in English, “I can help. I speak English and Spanish. Do you want me to be your translator?” The Ranger nodded. The boy quickly explained everything the Ranger had said. Nervously, Rodriguez answered, “Tell the big Texas Ranger that I have not spent a cent of the money. If he will go to the town well, face north, and count down five stones, he will find a loose one there. Pull it out, and all the money is behind there. Please tell him quickly.” The boy looked back at the Ranger and said, “Señor, Jorge Rodriguez is a brave man. He says he is ready to die.”

The ability to connect with others begins with understanding the value of people.

He connected. He let people know he cared about them,

Yes, people are people. And wherever you find them, they desire to connect with others!

Focusing on others Expanding your connecting vocabulary beyond just words Marshalling your energy for connecting Gaining insight in how great connectors connect. Then I’ll help you acquire the practical skills of connection: Finding common ground Making your communication simple Capturing people’s interest Inspiring them, and Being authentic.

I believe that almost everything we become and all that we accomplish in life are the result of our interaction with others.

CONNECTING PRINCIPLE: Connecting increases your influence in every situation. KEY CONCEPT: The smaller the group, the more important it is to connect.

Talk more about the other person and less about yourself. Prepare two or three questions you can ask someone before a meeting or social gathering.

Bring something of value, such as a helpful quote, story, book, or CD, to give to someone when you get together.

At the close of a conversation, ask if there is anything you can do to help them and then follow through. Acts of servanthood have a resound...

Look for ways to compliment people in the group for their ideas and actions. • Look for ways to add value to people in the group and what they’re doing. • Don’t take credit when the group succeeds, and don’t cast blame when it fails. • Find ways to help the group celebrate successes together.

Let your listeners know that you are excited to be with them. • Communicate that you desire to add value to them. • Let them know how they or their organization add value to you. Tell them that your time with them is your highest priority that day.

“If you will first help people get what they want, they will help you get what you want.”

I walked away from that seminar with two resolutions. First, I would study good communicators, which is something I have done ever since. Second, I would try to connect with others by focusing on them and their needs instead of my own.

only mature people who are focused on others are capable of truly connecting with others.

During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. “Absolutely,” the professor said. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello.” I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.8

“You can talk till you are blue in the face, but people know in their gut if you really care about them.”

“You have to have a service heart. You have to be prepared to serve the needs of those people you come into contact with. At all times it is to look at what it is the customer wants. It’s not what I want, or what Peter wants, it’s the person paying the dollars who is keeping us all going.”

“You can’t make the other fellow feel important in your presence if you secretly feel that he is a nobody.”

“If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.”

“Can this person help me?”

Do you care for me? Can you help me? Can I trust you?

“Business goes where it wants to, but it stays where it’s appreciated.”

You can connect with others if you’re willing to get off your own agenda, to think about others, and to try to understand who they are and what they want.

Connecting begins when the other person feels valued.

Know what they value by being a good listener when you are with them. • Find out why they value those things by asking questions. • Share your own values that are similar to theirs. • Build your relationship on those common values.

people respond to others based not merely according to the words that are used but on the connection they experience with that person.

face-to-face communication can be broken down into three components: words, tone of voice, and body language.

What we say accounts for only 7 percent of what is believed. The way we say it accounts for 38 percent. What others see accounts for 55 percent.

all communication has three essential components: the intellectual, the emotional, and the volitional.

Thought: something we know Emotion: something we feel Action: something we do

Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.

Any message you try to convey must contain a piece of you. You can’t just deliver words. You can’t merely convey information. You need to be more than just a messenger. You must be the message you want to deliver. Otherwise, you won’t have credibility and you won’t connect.

As important as it is for a message to be heartfelt and genuine, that of course isn’t enough. Your message must also be more than just a message. It must have value. It must deliver on the promise it offers to its audience. It must have the potential to change other people’s lives.

My goal is never to simply deliver a speech. I want to add value to people. And to have a chance to do that, what I say and do must be within the context of the bigger picture of the organization’s purpose, mission, and goals. I always spend time tailoring what I’m going to say to fit what they need.

INTEGRITY—Did I do my best? EXPECTATION—Did I please my sponsor? RELEVANCE—Did I understand and relate to the audience? VALUE—Did I add value to the people? APPLICATION—Did I give people a game plan? CHANGE—Did I make a difference?

“As a species, we remember 85 to 90 percent of what we see but less than 15 percent of what we hear. That means that if you want me to learn and remember, you must also support your words by showing your ideas to me. . . . You now need to use the power of the visual to help sustain your audience’s interest and bring it to new levels of understanding.”

People expect any kind of communication to be a visual experience.