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Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them. —PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR, NATURAL CAPITALISM
love this framing for what 'good mgmt' looks like
In fact, as you’ll find out, you have a lot in common with hostage negotiators when it comes to reaching the people who don’t want to listen to you.
The secret lay in saying the words that Frank was thinking but not saying.
Almost all communication is an effort to get through to people and cause them to do something different than they were doing before.
James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente in their Transtheoretical Model of Change
Miller and Stephen Rollnick in their creation of Motivational Interviewing.
What happens when two people talk? That is really the basic question here, because that’s the basic context in which all persuasion takes place. —MALCOLM GLADWELL, AUTHOR, THE TIPPING POINT
If you’re talking to a boss, a customer, a spouse, or a child whose lower brain or midbrain is in control, you’re talking to a cornered snake or, at best, a hysterical rabbit.
That’s why your body gives the amygdala the power to throw a switch, either directing impulses to or diverting impulses from the frontal cortex.
Goleman no doubt was keen on this concept because when you undergo an amygdala hijack, your emotional intelligence goes out the window.
Understanding a person’s hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you’ll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.
Mastering the art of controlling yourself will change your life, because it’ll keep you from being your own worst enemy when it comes to reaching other people in stressful situations.
short, you need to move almost instantly from your reptile to your mammal to your human brain. That sounds impossible, but it’s not. In fact, with practice, you can do it in about two minutes. And when you do you’ll have the advantage over everyone else in the room, because you’ll be the only person who’s actually thinking straight.
■ “Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase): This is a disaster, I’m screwed, what the hell just happened, I can’t fix this, it’s all over. “Oh God” (The Release Phase): Oh my God, this is a huge mess and I’m going to get stuck with cleaning it up. Sh#%—this stuff always happens to me. “Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase): Alright, I can fix this. But it’s not going to be fun. “Oh Well” (The Refocus Stage): I’m not going to let this ruin my life/my career/my day/this relationship, and here is what I need to do right now to make it better. “OK” (The Reengage Phase): I’m ready to fix this. Now, here’s the
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Jim liked this
He spoke passionately of his gratitude for his family, childhood, and friends. And he exhorted us all to “do well by doing good.”
And he didn’t cry, like Senator Muskie. Instead, he went from “Oh F#@& to OK” faster than I’ve ever seen anyone do it.
That’s poise under pressure. And if you can achieve that same poise, it’ll get you successfully through any stressful, high-stakes encounters that life hands you.
What you did is what we all do. You gathered some data from your early interactions with that person, jumped to conclusions, and formed perceptions that became hard-wired with words such as: ‘lazy,’ ‘sloppy,’ ‘lousy work ethic,’ and ‘loser.’ Those words became a filter through which you heard without listening.”
In a moment of humility, Hank replied, “Just like a zebra can’t change his stripes, neither can an asshole.”
You might think, “Mark, this is all easy for you to say or do. You’re a psychiatrist with thirty years experience.” My response is, “Don’t kid yourself. You don’t need a medical degree to do something this simple.” Here’s all you need to do. 1. Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.” 2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s—————. . .” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you. 3. Then say, “How frustrated
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Usable Insight Inside every person—no matter how important or famous—is a real person who needs to “feel felt.” Satisfy that need, and you’ll transform yourself from a face in the crowd to a friend or an ally.
Boredom is what happens when I fail to make someone interesting. —WARREN BENNIS, FOUNDING CHAIRMAN, USC LEADERSHIP INSTITUTE
What wise men like Warren Bennis (and no doubt Dale Carnegie) instinctively know, and what “smarter than wise”“ younger, ambitious people like Jim Collins and yours truly are still learning, is that the way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them.
Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can. Go into the conversation knowing that there is something very interesting about the person, and be determined to discover it. When you do this, your expectation will show in your eyes and
The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.
“You have a reason for being here. You have a reason for getting out of bed every morning and doing everything you do. You have a reason for being a part of this family, this company, this world. It makes a difference that you’re here.”
Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths. —ETTY HILLESUM,
Stress isn’t bad. It causes us to focus, become determined, and test our mettle. It’s when stress crosses over into distress that we lose sight of our important long-term goals and instead look for what will relieve us now. At that point, we’re too busy looking for an emergency exit from our pain to be either rational or reachable.
Do graph of stress
say, “I need you to mark, in 1-2-3 order, the top three ways I might rub people the wrong way.” Here are the traits you can list:
Passion is about the vision of the company. People
want to believe that they’re doing an important job that makes a difference to their customers and clients, and puts a smile on their faces. ■ Enthusiasm is about execution. Even with a great vision, people lose their enthusiasm and fail to accomplish what they’re capable of doing if their leaders are dropping the ball. ■ Pride is about ethics, because few people feel proud if their company is doing something dishonest. It’s also about doing something meaningful, because as people grow older, leaving the world better than they found it becomes more important.
For instance, say, “I’ve read up on your culture and the differences between both of our cultures, and yet I am certain I will say and do things that may not fit. I’m not planning to, but it may happen—and the last thing I would want to do is embarrass you in front of your peers by making you have to explain my offensive behavior. If you tell me the most common things my culture does or doesn’t do that offend your culture, I will try my very best to not act in those ways.”
To paraphrase Warren Bennis, “When you really get where people are coming from—and they get that you get them—they’re more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.”
Action Step The next time you start sliding into an argument (especially if it’s one of those chronic, simmering arguments that crops up constantly), stop and say to the other person, “Right now I feel like you’re attacking me, and I’m guessing you feel like I’m attacking you. But in reality I think we’re both defending ourselves. So I want you to know that I don’t want to hurt you—and I know you don’t want to hurt me. If we can start fresh with that agreement in place, I bet we can solve this problem together.” When you do this, you’ll replace your mutual dissonance (“this person is being a
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Don’t be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you accessible. Know that your vulnerability can be your strength. —KEITH FERRAZZI, AUTHOR, WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK
Usable Insight When you’re cornered and everything inside you makes you feel like baring your teeth, reach deeper into yourself, feel your fear, and bare your neck instead.
Action Step The next time you’re afraid or in distress, don’t pretend that you’re not. Instead, identify the people you’re trying to hide your emotions from—and then tell them the truth. The next time you suspect that someone else is afraid or in distress, encourage the person to tell you about it. Then let the person know you respect him or her for having the guts to say “I’m scared” or “I made a mistake.”
A toxic person robs you of your self-esteem and dignity and poisons the essence of who you are. —LILIAN GLASS, PSYCHOLOGIST
“I’m getting close to avoiding you, because almost every time I ask you about something you haven’t done you make an excuse or blame someone else. And almost every time I confront you about ways in which you need to improve, you either act hurt, start to cry, or get angry. All of us feel disappointed, hurt, or upset from time to time, but if you get angry or emotional each time, it’s too exhausting to be around. You have the right to react in any way you choose, but I have the right to excuse myself or avoid you—which is what I will do And that’s not going to help our relationship. So I hope
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The lesson is simple: Bullies come after you because they think you’re easy prey. Refuse to follow their script, and they’ll usually give up and seek an easier target.
If you’re hesitant to say “No,” you may be neurotic. If you’re truly afraid to say “No,” you’re probably dealing with a toxic person. And if nobody ever says “No” to you, that toxic person could be you.
Action Step Make a list of the people who play a key role in your life. Beside each name, answer these questions: Can I count on this person to provide me with practical assistance? Emotional support? Financial support? Prompt and willing help when I’m in trouble? Wherever you see lots of “no” answers, think about expecting more from that person—or about easing the person out of your life. Now, for the hard part: Make a list of the people who count on you and answer these same questions: Do you provide these people with practical assistance? Emotional support? Financial support? Prompt and
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Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done. —LOUIS D. BRANDEIS, 20TH-CENTURY SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
Here’s how it works. YOU: What’s something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, would dramatically increase your success? OTHER PERSON: If I could just do ____ , but that’s impossible. YOU: Okay. What would make it possible?
Usable Insight Invite people to tell you what they think is impossible, and they’ll lower their guard to consider what’s possible.
Ask someone at home or work to name an impossible goal the person would like to accomplish or achieve. Respond with, “I agree with you. That sounds impossible, so what would make it possible?” Then help the person brainstorm the steps to turn the goal into a reality.
Magic Paradox, mom creates a cascade of “yes” that ratchets Lizzie’s emotional level down to the degree at which she’s willing to declare a truce.
If you want people to do the unexpected, you go first.
Usable Insight When you start a conversation by saying “No” for another person, it opens the door for them to say “Yes.”
Action Step Select someone at work who’s resistant to cooperating with you and either makes excuses for not doing something or responds with a “Yes, but.” (Be sure the person is actually capable of doing the job and has enough time and resources to accomplish it.) 1. Say to the person: “I’ll bet you feel that there is no way you’re going to be able to do what it is that I’m asking you to do, isn’t that true?” If you’re on track the person will nod, and be puzzled and slightly disarmed by your understanding. 2. Follow that with: “And I’ll bet you’re hesitant to tell me straight out that you
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