Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

I call this approach “empathogenic communication” because it instantly fosters empathy among people who’ve previously only known antipathy or even outright hatred. Think of it as the Empathy Jolt. ■

So by taking people out of anger and shifting them into an empathic behavior, the Empathy Jolt moves them from the motor brain to the sensory brain.

The Empathy Jolt is a powerful intervention to use when two people in your life are beating on each other brutally instead of communicating—or when at least one person is more interested in attacking than in listening. Use it at the first sign that a conflict is getting out of control. Here’s an example: MANAGER OF A SOFTWARE TEAM: We’ve targeted this release for next week, but I hear there’s a problem. SIMON: Yeah, there’s a problem. Kim didn’t give me enough time to work on it. Her targets aren’t realistic. Nobody could get this done in time. KIM (FURIOUS): Simon could if he did what I ask of him. We’re late because he spent three extra days adding a bunch of graphics bells and whistles that nobody cares about. We have to sell this product but instead we have a bunch of worthless features and no product to sell. Don’t blame me for this mess. SOFTWARE MANAGER: Okay. Before we talk about what’s going on with the release, I’d like to do something first. I know that both of you are extraordinarily good at what you do. In fact, you’re two of the strongest performers I’ve ever worked with. And I also know that it’s very hard for you to work together. So I’d like to ask each of you a question, with the goal of seeing if we can make this situation work better for both of you. KIM AND SIMON (BOTH DEFENSIVELY): Okay. SOFTWARE MANAGER: Let’s start with you, Kim. Here’s the question: If I were to ask Simon what frustrates him most about working with you, what would he say? KIM (SURP...

dont do this dont but in

1. First, tell the person that you’d like to get together for ten minutes. Set a time when you can have the person’s undivided attention; if the person wants to meet with you immediately, respectfully say, “No, you’re in the middle of something and it isn’t a life-or-death matter. It’ll wait until you’re not distracted by anything else.” 2. Prepare yourself for the meeting by thinking of three specific, legitimate ways in which the other person may be disappointed or frustrated with you. For instance: Tina thinks I always give her the least interesting projects. She’s probably frustrated because I didn’t give her a big enough budget to get the equipment she’d like. And she’s probably mad because she inherited lots of problems created by the last person in her job, and sometimes I blame her for them. It doesn’t matter how frustrated or disappointed you are; set all of your own issues to one side, and think like the other person. 3. When the time for your meeting arrives, the other person will be expecting you to criticize or be confrontational. Instead, say, “You’re probably waiting for me to lay out a list of complaints, like I usually do. However, I was thinking about the reasons why you might be disappointed in me. You’re probably afraid to tell me about these things, because you figure I’ll get defensive. I think these things are. . . .” Then lay out the three things that you suspect disappoint the person most about you. 4. End with, “Is that true? If not, what are the ...

But do the unexpected by apologizing yourself, and something very different occurs: you shift a person instantly out of defensive mode and cause the individual to mirror your humility and concern. Taking responsibility for your actions and committing to correct your faults in the future also demonstrates tremendous graciousness, generosity and poise, and turns you into a person worthy of respect.

Think of someone who’s disappointing you and invite the person to lunch or dinner. Before you go, rate your disappointment with the person on a 1-to-5 scale (with 5 being “extremely disappointed”). During your meeting, use the Reverse Play to apologize for anything you’ve done that might have annoyed, upset, or offended the other person. One month after your lunch, think about the person’s behavior since your meeting and rate your level of disappointment with the person. Is it significantly lower? Then your approach worked. Is it the same or higher? If so, think about easing that person out of your life—because you’re probably dealing with a narcissist who’ll cause you nothing but problems in the future.

“Do you really believe that?”

causes most people who use hyperbole or exaggeration to recant and restate their position. Typically, they backpedal by saying something like, “Well, not really, but I am very frustrated about things.” Then you can respond, “I understand that, but I need to know what the truth is, because if what you say is totally true then we have a serious problem and need to address it.” By this time, they’re in retreat and the power has shifted to you.

Because “hmmm. . . .” can turn a person from enemy from ally so quickly, you’re also likely to find it extraordinarily effective in your personal life—especially in those tinderbox encounters where one wrong word can

Move a person from hostility to mild confusion and already you’ve moved one step in the right direction.

Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst. —MARCUS VALERIUS MARTIAL, ROMAN POET

Usable Insight Show poise by openly expressing the misgivings people have about you, and they’ll be more likely to give you their positive and undivided attention.

The key to crafting a transformational question is simple: Ask yourself, “What single question will show this person that I’m interested in his or her ideas, interests, future success, or life?” Then ask it. Here are some examples.

Let your client fill in the blanks, and you’ll have the right answers.

DANA: I appreciate it, and I’ll make sure we’re done on time. To start, I’m hoping to get a little information: You’re thinking of buying our software, or a product like it, because (gesturing invitingly with her hand) _________________. SANDHYA: Well . . . because our current software isn’t doing the job for us. It drives us crazy because it crashes too often—and it’s way too slow. In fact, it’s one of the reasons we’re in such a panic about meeting this deadline now. DANA: And by changing to our software or someone else’s, you’re hoping to accomplish __________________________________. SANDHYA: More work! We need to be doing more in less time, and we can’t do that if the system crashes once or twice a week. That’s just unacceptable.

Usable Insight Direct questions make people think you’re talking at them. Let them fill in the blanks, and they’ll feel you’re talking with them.

Instead, take a breath and then, as earnestly as possible, say something like this: “I either pushed too hard or failed to address something that was important to you, didn’t I?”

Usable Insight Until someone says “no” to you, you’re not asking for enough.

Here’s my favorite version of the Power Thank You. It was inspired by Heidi Wall, filmmaker and co-founder of the Flash Forward Institute, and it has three parts: Part 1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.) Part 2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.” Part 3: Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you. Here’s an example of the Power Thank You in action. DONNA, A MANAGER, SPEAKING TO A SUBORDINATE: Larry, do you have a sec? LARRY: Sure. What’s up? DONNA: Nothing. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for handling the Bennett account so well when I was out of the office for my emergency surgery. LARRY: Hey, no problem. I was glad to help. DONNA: Actually, I’m sure it did create some problems for you. I know you were counting on taking your kids to the soccer semi-finals and I heard from your coworkers that instead you spent the whole weekend in the office boning up on the details of the account. I don’t think many people would have rearranged their schedules so willingly—and I doubt that most people could carry off a meeting with Bennett as brilliantly as you did. LARRY: Well, thanks. I was a little worried about it all, but I’m glad we pulled it off. DONNA: Don’t kid yourself. You pulled ...

A Power Apology consists of what I call the “4 Rs.” They are: Remorse: Demonstrate to the other person that you know you caused harm and you are truly sorry. For example: “I know I made you look bad in front of the boss by failing to bring the documentation you needed to make your case for the new computers. It was my fault he turned down your request and everyone has to use the old computers for another year.” When you’re doing this, allow the other person to vent and don’t become defensive even if the person is over the top. When you encourage people who are furious to get their anger off their chests, it speeds the healing process. Restitution: Find some way to make amends, at least partially. For example: “I know the whole team is pissed off about not getting the computers, and they blame you. I’m going to go to each team member and explain that it’s my fault. I can’t undo the damage, but at least I can take the blame off your shoulders.” Rehabilitation: Demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learned your lesson. If a mistake occurred because you didn’t do your job right or you shot off your mouth without thinking, do whatever it takes to avoid making the same mistake in the future. Requesting forgiveness: Don’t do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are. At this point—and not before—go back to the person you’ve hurt and say, “Are you ab...

Usable Insight The more often you say and sincerely mean “thank you,” the less you need to pay your people. The more often you say and sincerely mean “I’m sorry,” the quicker your people will get back to work.

Start on Day 1 by using the question I mention in Chapter 19: “What are the three things I should always do and the three things I should never do to do well in this job?” Immediately, you’ll stand out from the crowd.

At annual reviews, make it clear that you’re invested not just in your own success but also in the success of your company and your boss. For instance, if your boss asks if you have questions, say something like this: “I want you to imagine we are meeting for my next review and you tell me, ‘You exceeded our expectations with regard to your results, your attitude, and even with some innovative solutions that really helped our company and me.’ What can I do to make that scenario occur?” When opportunities arise, ask transformational questions that will deepen your relationship with your boss. For instance, ask, “How do you see the company changing as a result of technological advances?” or “What do you see as our most important goals and obstacles?” Questions like these tell your boss that you see him or her as more than just a person with a bigger paycheck than you.

” This approach will bring your narcissist to a halt, because it’s no longer you versus. him. Instead, it’s his former self versus. his current self. When he can’t create a win-lose situation in which you

You can also use the Fill-in-the-Blanks technique by saying, “You’re unhappy with this design because you imagined it being more _______________.” By making your client feel felt and understood, these approaches can lead to a quick resolution.

Say, “Tell me what happened.” Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response). The person’s screaming or yelling will upset you, but it’s far less dangerous than the threat of physical violence—so let it happen. 2. Say, “I need to make sure that I heard exactly what you said, so I don’t go off in some wrong direction. If I heard you right, what you said is. . . .” Then repeat exactly what the person said, calmly and with no angry or sarcastic inflection in your voice, and say, “Is that correct?” When you do this, you mirror the person—that powerful connecting technique I talk about in Chapter 2. You also cause the person to move from venting to

listening, which slows the brain down so the person can think more intelligently. 3. Wait until the person says “Yes.” The simple act of saying “Yes” causes the person to move in the direction of agreement rather than hostility. “Yes” also indicates a willingness to pull away from acting out. If the person corrects what you’ve said in any way, repeat the information you’re given. 4. Now say, “And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/ disappointed/upset or what exactly. . . .” Pick the word you think best describes what the person feels. If the person corrects you, ask the person to say what the actual feeling is and repeat it back and get another “Yes.” Remember that when someone attaches a word to a feeling, it lowers agitation. That’s critical.

Don’t find fault. Find a remedy. —HENRY FORD, INVENTOR

■ Set specific targets. I tell clients to write a step-by-step plan. Like plotting waypoints on a GPS before a trip, this helps you visualize the road you need to follow. ■ Put your goal in writing. Describe exactly what you need to start doing and what you need to stop doing in order to succeed. Putting your words on paper strengthens your commitment to achieve your goal. ■ Tell someone about your goal. Call a person you respect, explain the change you want to make in your life and ask the person to either call or e-mail you every two weeks to see how you’re doing. Your desire to keep this person’s respect will be a powerful motivator to keep your commitments. If you do this, remember to give your helper a Power Thank You for assisting you, and also find a way to return the favor. ■ Keep toxic people from stopping your progress. Review Chapter 11 and identify any problem people who lower your resolve or weaken your confidence. If possible, avoid them as you work toward your goal.

1. Practice physical awareness. Identify sensations like tension, a pounding heart, a craving, or lightheadedness. Pinpoint them and give them a name. This will help you control them. 2. Practice emotional awareness. Attach an emotion to the sensations you’re feeling. For instance, say to yourself, “I’m very angry” or “I’m desperate.” Naming your feeling will help prevent the amygdala hijack I talk about in Chapter 2. 3. Practice impulse awareness. Say to yourself, “This feeling makes me want to ____________.” Being aware of your impulse will help you resist it. 4. Practice consequence awareness. Answer this question: “If I follow through with this urge, what is likely to happen?” 5. Practice solution awareness. Complete this sentence: “A better thing to do would be. . . .” 6. Practice benefit awareness. Say to yourself, “If I do that better thing the benefits will be. . . .” By the time you get through these six steps, you’ll know what you need to do to stay on course and avoid a potentially disastrous meltdown—and you’ll be calm enough to listen to your own advice.

During tough times, say unto yourself what those who care about you would say unto you . . . and then believe it. Otherwise, you are dishonoring the love they feel for you.

Inside the most untouchable VIP who’s wary of being “hit on” is a person who’s aching to be touched in just the right way.