A Long Way Gone

by Ishmael Beah

I used the only freedom that I had then, my thought.

The separation of our parents left marks on us that were visible to the youngest child in our town.

“If you are alive, there is hope for a better day and something good to happen. If there is nothing good left in the destiny of a person, he or she will die.”

Our innocence had been replaced by fear and we had become monsters.

ONE OF THE UNSETTLING THINGS about my journey, mentally, physically, and emotionally, was that I wasn’t sure when or where it was going to end.

“How many more times do we have to come to terms with death before we find safety?”

My squad was my family, my gun was my provider and protector, and my rule was to kill or be killed.

My childhood had gone by without my knowing, and it seemed as if my heart had frozen.

We were unhappy because we needed our guns and drugs.

I would try desperately to think about my childhood, but I couldn’t. The war memories had formed a barrier that I had to break in order to think about any moment in my life before the war.

was too drugged and traumatized to realize the danger of what had just happened.

“This isn’t your fault, you know. It really isn’t. You’ll get through this.”

“None of what happened was your fault. You were just a little boy, and anytime you want to tell me anything, I am here to listen.”

“None of these things are your fault,” she would always say sternly at the end of every conversation. Even though I had heard that phrase from every staff member—and frankly I had always hated it—I began that day to believe it. It was the genuine tone in Esther’s voice that made the phrase finally begin to sink into my mind and heart. That didn’t make me immune from the guilt that I felt for what I had done. Nonetheless, it lightened my burdensome memories and gave me strength to think about things.

I was confident that nothing could get any worse than it had been, and that thought made me smile a lot.

we had run so far away from the war, only to be caught back in it. There was nowhere to go from here.