Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

by Nic Sheff

The days that I don’t work are even harder. All this free time makes me go crazy. I have all this anxious energy in me that I just can’t release. This morning I got up and rode my bike for eighty miles. I pedaled up the PCH to Trancas Canyon. It takes over an hour to ride out there, then the climb to the top is another hour, then I have to ride back. As I stood in the shower after the long ride, I felt a r...

All this free time makes me go crazy. I have all this anxious energy in me th...

I felt a rare clarity in my head. It was like my thoughts had finally turned off; I was literally too tired to think. But now I’ve drunk a cup of coffee and eaten some cereal and my mind is just going again.

San Francisco’s weather has a lot more personality, even right now, in the middle of summer. I wonder what I’m doing in Los Angeles anyway. I mean, it’s not like I’d have to start using again if I moved back to San Francisco. I could live with Lauren. At

I wonder what I’m doing in Los Angeles anyway. I mean, it’s not like I’d have to start using again if I moved back to San Francisco. I could live with Lauren. At least I’d have a girlfriend.

“Nic, I’ve missed you so much.” “I’ve missed you, too. I think I might come back to San Francisco.” “Oh, yes, please. I have an apartment, you can stay with me.” “Okay. Yeah, I’d like that.”

I hang up. I’m shaking and sweating now. What the fuck am I doing? It’s like I’m running on automatic pilot or something. It feels like I have my foot on the gas and I’m going fast and out of control, but I just can’t stop. I try to focus on the road.

grass. I ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me? I have so much and I always want to throw it away. Why am I this way? John Lennon says that “living is easy with eyes closed.” I want to close my eyes. I want to close my eyes so badly.

I ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me? I have so much and I always want to throw it away. Why am I this way? John Lennon says that “living is easy with eyes closed.” I want to close my eyes. I want to close my eyes so

badly. I know I’m going to go get high now. I want to. It doesn’t seem like there’s any real reason to live. I’m going to go be with Lauren and use until it kills me ...

I know I’m going to go get high now. I want to. It doesn’t seem like there’s any real reason to live. I’m going to go be with Lauren and use until it kills me an...

The impulse seems to have hit me fairly abruptly, but I know I’m...

I almost felt like crying a minute ago, but now things seem all right again. I have some purpose suddenly—get money, get high.

almost felt like crying a minute ago, but now things seem all right again. I have some purpose suddenly—get money, get high.

A piece of me thinks about calling Spencer. In twelve-step programs they tell you to pick up the phone if you feel like using. But what’ll Spencer tell me? He’ll probably say I shoul...

“All right, fuck. God, please, if you are there, then, well, could you help me? I don’t even know what’s happening.” God doesn’t answer either. I get down on the floor with the dogs. I lie on my back and they start licking my face. I laugh. “What do I do?” They keep licking me. I pull the phone out of my pocket and dial Spencer’s number. I don’t press send. I just stare at the screen. The dogs are whimpering like they need to be let outside. Fuck. I call Spencer.

He picks up after a second. I hear his voice and I start crying. The dogs are licking my tears. “Spencer, I want to die. I mean, really, I just want to go back to San Francisco and use and then die. I’m sick of trying. It’s just too hard.” I hear Spencer laugh. “Congratulations,” he says. “Welcome to the real world. I’m glad you made it.” “But I don’t want to live in the real world.” “Yes you do. You do. You called me, didn’t you?” “Yeah.” “Well then, you want to live. Look, I know how hard it is. When you’ve got nothing it seems like you’ll never pull yourself out. Give it time, Nic. You have such a beautiful future ahead of you. Just stay sober.”

“Spencer, I want to die. I mean, really, I just want to go back to San Francisco and use and then die. I’m sick...

“Congratulations,” he says. “Welcome to the real world. I’m glad you made it.” “But I don’t want to live in the real world.” “Yes you do. You do. You called me, didn’t you?” “Yeah.” “Well then, you want to live. Look, I know how hard it is. When you’ve got nothing it seems like you’ll never pull yourself out. G...

I don’t believe him. I don’t believe I have a beautiful future ahead of me. I want to...

“Spencer, it’s just no use. I know I’m gonna fail.” “Bullshit. That’s your disease talking, man. That’s your disease wanting you to get high again. Your disease wants to isolate you, to get you all alone so it can kill you. That’s what it wants, but that’s not what you want.” “Spencer, I don’t have a disease. This is not like fucking cancer. This is my choice.” “You’re right,” he says. “Right now, what you do is up to you. Once you get high, though, th...

“You’re right,” he says. “Right now, what you do is up to you. Once you get high, though, then you’ve got no more choices. You get high and you lose everything. But you have a real shot at building a great life for yourself and your family. Look, if you fail in ten, twenty years, whatever, then deal with it then. But if you stay sober, I guarantee tha...

for yourself and your family. Look, if you fail in ten, twenty years, whatever, then deal with it then. But if you stay sober, I guarantee that you will learn to love your life and you ...

corner. I feel exhausted, like I just fought a goddamn war or something.

I feel exhausted, like I just fought a goddamn war or something. I let the dogs drag me.

“It’s all right, Nic. This is all part of the process. There are no mistakes in God’s world.” I try to just feel him hugging me. “It’s crazy how fast my moods change,” I say. “It’s like from moment to moment I never know what I’m gonna feel. I just wanted to die, you know, but now I feel so grateful to be alive. I’m so grateful for you, Spencer. Thank you for helping me.”

This is all part of the process. There are no mistakes in God’s world.”

“It’s like from moment to moment I never know what I’m gonna feel. I just wanted to die, you know, but now I feel so grateful to be alive.

Writing gives me a purpose. I think in some ways it has helped keep me alive. Without it I’m not sure I would ever have enough hope to get sober—to make that decision to live.

make that decision to live.

Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre. The main character is this man, struggling with his existence. He can’t find any reason for living and...

Finally he decides that the reason life is worth living is for art—to c...

Of course, Spencer would tell me that the only reason for living is helping other people. That’s ...

Spencer would tell me that the only reason for living is he...

That’s what gives his lif...

experimenting with Spencer’s idea of how to work the second step, which is “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.”

Spencer’s idea of how to work the second step, which is “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.” Spencer has told me that I need to experiment with asking the Higher Power for guidance throughout the day. That way, he says, like a scientist doing research, I will collect examples of how my life changes once I start developing a relationship with God.

experiment with asking the Higher Power for guidance t...

That way, he says, like a scientist doing research, I will collect examples of how my life changes once I start de...

Spencer tells me that I need to find my own interpretation...

So at work each day I ask God to be with me as I fold the towels, or answer the phones, or even just talk with the girls.

pray in the affirmative,

as though the prayer has already b...

“Thank you, God, for helping me be kind and patient.” As opposed to, “Please, God, help me be patient.” Affirmative prayer reinforces that you have already received the guidance, therefore you are able to focus on the solution. Saying that ...

“God, thank you for being with me as I wash these brushes. Thank you, God, for the perfection of my life.” They’re like positive affirmations. And, really, they do seem to work. My head clears some an...

It keeps me very in the moment, but it is a struggle to keep focusing on the prayers—driving out all other thoughts. My head sort of hurts physi...

I feel very safe there.

“You know,” I say, “I think I’m starting to get this talking to God thing. But I swear, man, my head hurts from trying to control my thoughts all day.” Spencer laughs. “It shouldn’t hurt, Nic. Just let go, it’ll come naturally. It really does become effortless.”

“I think I’m starting to get this talking to God thing. But I swear, man, my head hurts from trying to control my thoughts all day.”

“It shouldn’t hurt, Nic. Just let go, it’ll come naturally. It really do...