Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

by Nic Sheff

“Not in my experience. It’s like that...

father whose son breaks his leg. The villagers come up and say, ‘Your son broke his leg, what bad luck.’ But the father replies, ‘Good luck, bad luck, who knows?’ Then there’s a war and all the young men in the village must fight. There is a terrible battle and most everyone is killed—except for the man’s son who couldn’t fight because he broke his leg. So the villagers come up to him and say, ‘What good luck, yo...

it.” “I’m

just saying,” he continues. “You relapsing

continues. “You relapsing seems like the most devastating thing now, but you may look back at this as absolutely essential. Nothin...

seems like the most devastating thing now, but you may look back at this as absolutely essential. Nothing hap...

“Then how do you think you got back here? What pulled you out of San Francisco?”

Recovery is strange, you know? I mean, it is so easy in a way and yet, well, so difficult.

checked into after moving here from New York, describes addiction as a disease of amnesia. I think that pretty much sums it up. It’s not hard to stay sober at first. Sure, it’s hard as hell to get sober—to pull yourself out of the cycle of getting high every day and going through the horrors of detox. But, honestly, once the drugs are out of my system it isn’t too difficult to genuinely feel like I never want to go through that shit again. Staying sober right after coming back from a relapse is no struggle. Every time I’ve come out of detox, the last thing I ever want to do is get high. This time is no different.

describes addiction as a disease of amnesia. I think that pretty much sums it up. It’s not hard to stay sober at first. Sure, it’s hard as hell to get sober—to pull yourself out of the cycle of getting high every day and going through the horrors of detox. But, honestly, once the drugs are out of my system it isn’t too difficult to genuinely feel like I never want to go through that shit again. Staying sober right after coming back from a relapse is no...

But the thing is, as the months go by, I always seem to forget why I needed to get sober in the first place. The bad shit starts to not seem really that bad. I start blaming other people, thinking they’re all just overreacting and whatever. I tell myself tha...

I swear, every time I’ve relapsed has been the same story. And, each time, I get a little closer to being dead. Things fall apart more...

swear, every time I’ve relapsed has been the same story. And, each time, I get a little closer to being dead. Things fall apart more ...

where I came from—how bad I got. But, well, the thing is, I can’t help but feeling kind of like a loser living the way I am—so simply. I mean, I just hang out with Spencer and a few people in twelve-step meetings. I have no girlfriend. I live by myself. I’m sort of embarrassed by who I am.

But I can’t help feeling like I’m just not cool anymore. I guess that’s stupid, but it’s true. When I talk to Spencer about it, he asks me how cool I was when I was prostituting and stealing. I

When I talk to Spencer about it, he asks me how cool I was when I was prostituting and stealing. I understand his point, but, you know, I still feel hopelessly inadequate about myself and my

I wonder to myself if maybe there is something chemically wrong with me. I feel so completely crazy sometimes. I don’t know which way I’m facing. All I can do is just shove all this shit to the side and try to move forward.

wonder to myself if maybe there is something chemically wrong with me. I feel so completely crazy sometimes. I don’t know which way I’m facing. All I can do is just shove all this shit

the

them, the meetings are really inspiring to me. Listening to the people who share about their experiences and how they’ve turned their lives around is amazing. They are brutally honest and introspective—not like most people you meet in the real world, outside of recovery. And everyone, it seems, agrees that if you go to these meetings and work the steps, you will stay sober. So I go to a meeting every day and I’m working the steps with Spencer.

And everyone, it seems, agrees that if you go to these meetings and work the steps, you will stay sober. So I go to a meeting every day and I’m working the steps with Spencer.

me. I have no problem admitting that I am powerless over my addictions and my life is completely unmanageable. But the second step, “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,” well,

unmanageable. But the second step, “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,” well, that’s a lot harder for me. Sure I’ve experimented with prayer, and Spencer is always pointing out to me how the Power is working in my life. He tells me that each day I’m able to stay sober is only by the grace of God. I admit that I do feel very blessed, or lucky, at times and prayer does help me clear my head and all, but my rational mind always tells me that these are only coincidences. No matter how much I want to, I can’t actually believe that there is a power guiding me. It just doesn’t make sense to me on a deep, visceral level. I

that’s a lot harde...

He tells me that each day I’m able to stay sober is only by the grace of God. I admit that I do feel very blessed, or lucky, at times and prayer does help me clear my head and all, but my rational mind always tells me that these are only coincidences. No matter how much I want to, I can’t actually believe that there is a power guiding me. It just doesn’t make sense to me on a deep, visceral level.

Honestly, that scares me. I’m worried I won’t be able to work the twelve-step program. Spencer tells me to be patient. The longer I experiment with relying on God, the more I will come to believe. So I try it. I ask God for help in every aspect of my life, even if I don’t really believe it.

Spencer tells me to be patient. The longer I experiment with relying on God, the more I will come to believe. So I try it. I ask God for help in every aspect of...

They were sweet, but lost and very, you know, insecure—like me.

her. Even today, I’m not sure what happened. I guess it was the same old story. I stopped going to meetings and working a program. I was really just trying to do it on my own. Relapsing came up on me and it was such a goddamn surprise. Emily and I went home to her mom’s house for the weekend. I had to use the

I’m not sure what happened. I guess it was the same old story. I stopped going to meetings and working a program. I was really just trying to do it on my own. Relapsing came up on me and it was such a goddamn surprise. Emily

I had a headache and what harm could one Percocet do? It was that simple. I just forgot for a second how bad things had been. A disease of amnesia, right?

had a headache and what harm could one Percocet

It was that simple. I just forgot for a second how bad things had been. A dis...

heroin. I lied to Emily and my family and somehow managed to keep up the act of being seminormal. It lasted until I went home that summer and ended up stealing the money from Jasper.

Using is such a fucking ridiculous little circle of monotony. The more I use, the more I need to kill the pain, so the more I need to keep using. Pretty soon it seems like going back, facing all my shit, well, it’s just too goddamn overwhelming. I’d rather die than go through it. But for whatever reason—some tiny bit of hope or just pure stupidity—I go through the hell of detox and start trying to stay sober one more time.

Spencer tells me to be patient, something I’ve never been very good at. He tells me I’ll have a chance to formally make things right with her when I complete the eighth step, which is “Made a list of all persons we had

harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

I want to write my message in the sky. I want to

them all, “I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.”

“No, damn it, just a call—just to say you’re all right.

thought you were dead—or’d

kidnapped—or God only kn...

How was I supposed to go to work, or take the dogs on a walk, when all I could think about was you out there on the streets? It’s not fair, Nic. It’s not, not fair.”

It’s been a hard week. I ride my bike, go to work, go to a meeting, then go to sleep. Every day it’s the same thing. I am lonely and bored. I miss the excitement of my life using. I know how terrible things got and all, but still, there is a part of me that just wants to go back to that.

but it’s like there are two different people battling inside me. I want to be good, do good, be a worker among workers, a friend among friends. But there’s also this part of me that is so dissatisfied with everything. If I’m not living on the verge of death, I feel like I’m not really living.

it’s like there are two different people battling inside me. I want to be good, do good, be a worker among workers, a friend among friends. But there’s also this part of me that is so dissatisfied with everything. If I’m not living on the verge of death, I feel like I’m not really living. I’ve even been thinking about Lauren a little bit. I know she had problems, but at least I had a girlfriend. So far I haven’t met anyone that I could possibly have a relationship with. That is a big thing for me. I’ve always felt sort of worthless if I didn’t have a girlfriend.

If I wasn’t dating someone, I was searching for someone to date. It made me feel more

It made me feel more complete. By myself I felt like I was nothing. I guess I still feel that way. Right now I have nobody. And, ironically, sometimes twelve-step meetings just make me feel worse. They remind me what a loser

complete. By myself I felt like I was nothing. I guess I still feel that way. Right now I have nobody. And, ironically, sometimes twelve-step meetings just make me ...

am.