Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

They had what are called major boundary conflicts, in which one person crosses the lines of responsibility and respect with another.

Marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. It is the mystery of living as one flesh with another human being (Ephesians 5:31-32).

“Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Boundaries in Marriage is fundamentally about love. It is about promoting it, growing it, developing it, and repairing it.

As the Bible teaches, make the most of today, for the days are evil (Ephesians 5:16).

The solution is learning self-control, one of the nine fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23).

It is more about taking ownership of your own life so that you are protected and you can love and protect your spouse without enabling or rescuing him or her.

In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning and end of something.

“The serpent deceived me, and I ate,” Eve replied. Eve’s behavior and disobedience get explained away on account of the serpent. “If it weren’t for the serpent….”

So the first way in which clarifying boundaries helps us is to know where one person ends and the other begins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me?

Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit” (Proverbs 25:28 NASB).

Each spouse must take responsibility for the following things: Feelings Attitudes Behaviors Choices Limits Desires Thoughts Values Talents Love

“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1 NASB).

Boundaries help us to know just where someone’s control begins and ends.

It violates the basic law of freedom God established in the universe. For love to work, each spouse has to realize his or her freedom.

Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.

God created us free. He gave us responsibility for our freedom. And as responsible free agents, we are told to love him and each other.

This is why a couple who has been married for fifty or more years can say that the marriage gets better and better as time goes on. They become more free to be themselves as a result of being loved, and the love relationship deepens.

Remember, where there is no freedom, there is slavery, and where there is slavery, there will be rebellion. Also, where there is no responsibility, there is bondage. Where we do not take ownership and do what we are supposed to do with our own stuff, we will be stuck at a certain level of relationship, and we will not be able to go deeper.

As Jesus said, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6).

Boundaries are basically about self-control.

I went on to explain that boundaries are not something you “set on” another person. Boundaries are about yourself.

Here are some examples of words being used as boundaries: No, I don’t want to do that. No, I won’t participate in that. Yes, I want to do that. I will. I like that. I don’t like that. Your words, or lack of them, define you to another person.

Here are some truths that help define the structure of how we are to relate: Do not lie. Do not commit adultery. Do not covet. Give to others. Love one another. Be compassionate. Forgive.

As Paul says, “Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

If we are not being truthful with each other, our real relationship goes into hiding. Then, instead of one real relationship, we have two relationships: the outside relationship, which is false; and the inside, hidden relationship, which is true. Intimacy is lost, and so is love. Love and truth must exist together.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

As Proverbs tells us, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (Proverbs 27:12).

Stephanie first figured out where she ended and where Steve began. When she did, she found that there was really very little of her at all in the marriage. She had adapted to him and had complied with his wishes so much that she barely existed at all.

Boundaries are only built and established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the first step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all.

The missing ingredient all along had been a deep sense of intimacy, something the Bible refers to as “knowing” someone.

We have, therefore, included this section on the laws of boundaries, not as practical strategies, but as principles by which to structure your marriage.

When you sow mistreatment of people, you should reap people’s not wanting to be around you.

God designed marriage to be a place not only of love, but of growth. One pathway to growth is learning that actions have consequences.

The Law of Responsibility is this: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.

The Bible teaches it this way: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” and “each one should carry his own load” (Galatians 6:2, 5). The word burden (verse 2) indicates a back-breaking boulder, such as a financial, health, or emotional crisis. Spouses actively support each other when one is carrying an overwhelming burden. The term load (verse 5), however, indicates one’s daily responsibilities of life. This includes one’s feelings, attitudes, values, and handling of life’s everyday difficulties.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12).

We have no power over the attitudes and actions of other people. We can’t make our spouse grow up. We can’t stop our spouse from exhibiting a troublesome habit or character flaw. We can’t force our spouse to come home on time for dinner, to refrain from yelling at us, or to initiate conversations with us. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, not other-control (Galatians 5:23). God himself does not exercise such power over us, even though he could (2 Peter 3:9).

You have the power to confess, submit, and repent of your own hurtful ways in your marriage. You can identify these hurtful ways, ask God for his help to overcome them, and be willing to change.

You have the power to start identifying ways you are actively or passively contributing to the problem, and you have the power to change over time. Jesus called this process taking the plank out of our eye first (Matthew 7:1-5).

What you do can affect your spouse.

The Law of Respect states that if we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.

Many times a spouse will automatically expect that the love in the marriage means that her spouse will always see things her way.

The Law of Motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. No one can actually love another if he feels he doesn’t have a choice not to. Giving your time, love, or vulnerability to your spouse requires that you make your own choice based on your values, not out of fear.

Having to do anything is a sign that someone is afraid.

Fear always works against love. The “have to” destroys the “choose to.” Conversely, love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).

For example, I know a couple in which the husband had an affair. The experience was devastating to his wife. She had every right to leave the marriage, and no one would have faulted her. Yet she stayed in it and suffered greatly as she worked through the betrayal with him. It was neither comfortable nor what she felt like doing at times. At the same time, however, she wasn’t staying in the marriage out of fear of isolation, financial security, or anything else. She knew she was free to leave. Yet she loved her husband and God, and she wanted to do the right thing.

It is unloving to set limits with a spouse to harm him. This is revenge, which is in God’s hands, not ours (Romans 12:19). But it can be just as unloving to avoid setting a limit with your spouse because you don’t want him to be uncomfortable.

I love you, but I won’t subject myself to this treatment. I want you to work on this issue with me so that it doesn’t happen again.” This approach is proactive rather than reactive.

Adam and Eve felt envy when they ate of the only tree in the garden forbidden to them. They had everything else but this one fruit, and they weren’t satisfied until they had it.