Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

She felt he, like the church in Ephesus, had forsaken his first love (Revelation 2:4).

As the Bible teaches, “What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!” (Romans 6:15).

The Bible teaches that we need these differences. Paul discusses the various spiritual gifts God apportions to people: “If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be” (1 Corinthians 12:17-18).

Differences do not create intruder problems. Immaturity does. As spouses own their own weaknesses and issues, what used to drive them crazy often becomes a source of joy for them.

Make conflict your ally, not your enemy. It is the iron that sharpens your marriage (Proverbs 27:17).

remember that intruders are a fruit, not a root, of the real problem. Deal with the cause, and the intruder will cease to pull you apart.

We do not believe in automatically divorcing because of affairs. God simply permits, but does not demand, divorce in cases of adultery (Matthew 5:32).

The best thing that anyone can do in the face of the sin of a spouse is to demonstrate the same attitude God has toward someone who sins: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

From this point on, Reggie was a different guy. He grasped the work of therapy and recovery with a passion, seeing it as a project he must do to not fall short of the grace he had been given. I was reminded of the verse about the grace of God that tells us that it is his kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

As Paul puts it, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:1-2).

As 1 Thessalonians 5:14 tells us, “Encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

What had transpired was a familiar pattern in their relationship: One of them feels hurt The hurt person communicates as if the other has sinned against him The accused party gets defensive They “go to court” defending their innocence They end up alienated The problem never gets resolved, and they go on, “forgetting” about it the next day

use “I” statements and talk about your own feelings, making sure that you don’t sound as if you are blaming your spouse.

If you are on the other end of the hurt, show empathy for your spouse’s feelings. Know that by caring and offering empathy you are not saying that it is your “fault.” If you can identify with your spouse’s feelings, offer that as well:

They tried to find out who was “wrong.” Of course, they never could, for no one was.

Validate each other’s feelings because what your spouse is feeling is real and true for him or her.

Paul gives some great advice: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

As James tells us, we sometimes want things for wrong motives (James 4:3).

Modern psychiatry calls the ones who don’t listen to feedback and cannot observe their problems “character disorders.”

If you didn’t have conflict, one of you would be unnecessary in the relationship!

Conflict just means that two things come together that are opposed to each other and do not immediately agree. The fun part is working it through.

You cannot fix a problem that you don’t talk about. Speak honestly with each other. As Paul says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).