How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

"Just give 'em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze." It's the ideal image for somebody who's a Somebody.

The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible."

HELLO OLD FRIEND

LIMIT THE FIDGET

MAKE A MOOD MATCH

How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar.

Ascent from Banality

No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you

Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant.

ALWAYS WEAR A WHATZIT

Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.

Do humanity and yourself a favor. Never, ever, give just a one-sentence response to the question, "Where are you from?" Give the asker some fuel for his tank, some fodder for his trough. Give the hungry communicator something to conversationally nibble on. All it takes is an extra sentence or two about your city—some interesting fact, some witty observation—to hook the asker into the conversation.

Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on.

NEVER THE NAKED JOB

It is important to help "newlymets" through their first nervous moments.

NEVER THE NAKED INTRODUCTION

BE A WORD DETECTIVE

THE SWIVELING SPOTLIGHT When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you.

Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says.

"ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive."

The best way to ensure you're conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave.

A sure sign you're a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, "What do you do?"

"How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . . of . . . your . . . time?"

Suppose you've been at a party and it was wonderful. Don't tell the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party. Hug the hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time, a remarkable time, a glorious time.

"Kill the Quick 'Me, Too!'"

Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger.

"Comm-YOU-nication."

When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.

DON'T TOUCH A CLICHè WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE

TRASH THE TEASING A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease.

Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.

Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice.

Very simply, never let the phrase thank you stand naked and alone. Always make it thank you for something.

NEVER THE NAKED THANK YOU

Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and participating in an activity you'd never think of indulging in. Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern.

LEARN A LITTLE JOBBLEDYGOOK

BARING THEIR HOT BUTTON Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.

BE A COPYCLASS

Just keep your ears open and echo their word after they say it.

ECHOING Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker's arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives—and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences.

Echoing Is Politically Correct Insurance

Evoke your listener's interests or lifestyle and weave images around it. To give your points more power and punch, use analogies from your listener's world, not your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you think like them and hints you share their interests.

EMPLOY EMPATHIZERS Don't be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like "I see what you mean." Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like "That's a lovely thing to say." Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT EMPATHIZERS

The word we fosters togetherness. It makes the listener feel connected. It gives a subliminal feeling of "you and me against the cold, cold world." When you prematurely say we or us, even to strangers, it subconsciously brings them closer. It subliminally hints you are already friends. At a party, you might say to someone standing behind you at the buffet line, "Hey, this looks great. They really laid out a nice spread for us." Or, "Uh-oh, we're going to get fat if we let ourselves enjoy all of this."

THE PREMATURE WE

Part One helped us make a dynamic, confident, and charismatic first impression with body language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and big girls so we're contenders for life's big league. Part Four rescued us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very little in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.

GRAPEVINE GLORY A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend.

Nevertheless, you can remember the kudo and verbally carry it to the person who will get the most pleasure—the person who was complimented. Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other.

Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carrier pigeon of news items that might interest the recipient. Call, mail, or E-mail people with information they might find interesting.