How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose something positive about the person you're talking with.

Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence.

"Youre much too young to remember..." "If i were as fit as you..."

A Killer Compliment is not "I like your tie" or "You're a very nice person." (The first is not personal enough and the second is not specific enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like "What exquisite eyes you have," (very specific) or "You have a wonderful air of honesty about you," (very personal).

Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipient in private.

Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible.

Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half year on each recipient.

Let them know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like "Nice job!" "Well done!" "Cool!"

Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment they finish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction say, "You were terrific!" Don't worry that they won't believe you. The euphoria of the moment has a strangely numbing effect on the achiever's objective judgment.

She says, "I like those shoes." You say, "Oh I'm so happy you told me. I just got them."

Your colleague asks, "How was your vacation in Hawaii?" You answer, "Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great, thanks."

Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on the shiner.

THE TOMBSTONE GAME Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don't mention it again. Then, when the moment is right to say "I appreciate you" or "I love you," fill the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier.

NAME SHOWER People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention. Your caller's name re-creates the eye contact, the caress, you might give in person. Saying someone's name repeatedly when face-to-face sounds pandering. But because there is physical distance between you on the phone—sometimes you're a continent apart—you can spray your conversation with it.

"I HEAR YOUR OTHER LINE" When you hear a phone in the background, stop speaking—in midsentence, if necessary—and say "I hear your other line," (or your dog barking, your baby crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has to attend to it. Whether she does or not, she'll know you're a top communicator for asking.

Politicians have expert under-rug vision to spot the host's real agenda. They will, of course, never discuss it at the party. However, the insight elevates them to a shared state of higher consciousness with other heavy hitters at the bash. Their knowledge also makes them valuable agents for the party giver.

"What kind of people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about?" Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a little doc-talk.

RUBBERNECK THE ROOM When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.

Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open position—especially your arms and hands. People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists seductively arranged in the "come hither" position. They shy away from knuckles in the "get lost or I'll punch you" position. Use your wrists and palms to say "I have nothing to hide," "I accept you and what you're saying," or "I find you sexy."

TRACKING Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners' lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy. When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone's life, it confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero around whom the world revolves. And people love you for recognizing their stardom.

Right after you've talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favorite restaurant, sport, movie, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or maybe a joke he told. In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, drink, hometown, high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the

At that instant, I realized big boys and big girls see no bloopers, hear no bloopers. They never say "Butterfingers" or "Whoops" or even "Uh-oh." They ignore their colleagues' boners. They simply don't notice their comrades' minor spills, slips, fumbles, and blunders. Thus, the technique "See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers" was born.

Be deaf to her sneeze, cough, or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your "gesundheit," "whoops," or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded of their own human frailty.

SEE NO BLOOPERS, HEAR NO BLOOPERS Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological functions. They simply don't notice their comrades' minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas. They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never gape at another's gaffes.

Whenever someone's story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces of china. Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, "Now please get back to your story." Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, "So what happened after the . . ." (and fill in the last few words).

DINNER'S FOR DINING The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While eating, they know it's OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough business.

CHANCE ENCOUNTERS ARE FOR CHITCHAT If you're selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into your swan song with Big Winner.

ECHO THE EMO Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people about an emotional situation, let them emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only way to calm their emotional storm.

MY GOOF, YOUR GAIN Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim benefits. It's not enough to correct your mistake. Ask yourself, "What could I do for this suffering soul so he or she will be delighted I made the flub?" Then do it, fast! In that way, your goof will become your gain.

LEAVE AN ESCAPE HATCH Whenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, or deceiving, don't confront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is your responsibility to catch or correct the culprit—or unless you are saving other innocent victims by doing so—let the transgressor out of your trap with his tricky puss in one piece. Then resolve never to gaze upon it again.

any other worker you want special attention from in the future? The surefire way to make them care enough to give you their very best is send a buttercup to their boss.

LEAD THE LISTENERS No matter how prominent the big cat behind the podium is, crouched inside is a little scaredy-cat who is anxious about the crowd's acceptance. Big winners recognize you're a fellow big winner when they see you leading their listeners in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud or publicly commend the man or woman you agree with (or want favors from).

THE GREAT SCORECARD IN THE SKY Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player with lower score pays deference to player with higher score. The penalty for not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.

Remember, repeating an action makes a habit. Your habits create your character. And your character is your destiny. May success be your destiny.