After Rain Falls (River of Rain, #2)

by C.E. Ricci

River. The look on his face...decimated doesn’t even begin to describe. I wouldn’t be able to put it into words if it didn’t match the feeling in my chest when I turned to find him standing there, not twenty yards from me. Chasing after me like we’re in some fucking rom-com. But doesn’t he know by now? This is nothing but a goddamn horror story.

He was here to fight for me. For us. Even when I gave him nothing left to fight for.

Because in the cold light of day, if I had to choose, I know who it would be. I wouldn’t have to think twice. It’s River. Every star in the night sky would have to burn out before it isn’t River.

He should’ve tattooed his name across every available inch of my skin in exchange for my sanity because in the end, I’ll never be anything but his. Until my dying day, I’ll belong to River Lennox.

I don’t look up, though. I don’t give in to the temptation, no matter how strong it is. Because I know the second I do…there’s a very real possibility I’ll cave. And I’ll run over to him and claim him as mine for the entire fucking world to see. And I can’t do that. Because someone is bound to see.

No, people can’t know, because if people find out, it means Ted can find out. He can’t find out about River.

You did that to him, my brain reminds me. This is what you wanted. To make him think you don’t give a fuck about him. I know it’s what I wanted. I just never thought he’d believe it.

None of it fucking matters. He’s still mine, just like I’ll always be his.

Don’t ask me how or why I know, I just fucking do. Deep in my soul, I know he’s telling me the song in his head right now, the song I’m always dying to know but no longer have the right to ask for.

All I want right now as I stand in this bar, searching and praying to find his eyes, is to not be in love with him. To be able to walk and talk and fucking breathe every day without feeling like the weight of the world is sitting on my chest. I just want the pain to end, the misery and agony of trying to live without him, gone. And Jesus, I can’t even begin to acknowledge the fact that by playing this song, he’s admitting to being in love with me too.

Except I know River. Well enough to realize if shit started to go sideways, he would be on the frontlines in an instant. He’d be right by my side instead of staying behind, no matter if I begged him to. Because he doesn’t fucking listen. And that, in this particular instance, could get him killed.

God, I need to hit something. Fuck, maybe even kill something. My past. My fucking stepfather. This bitch with her lips glued to River’s and her fingers laced in his hair. I want to put all of it six feet under at this moment.

Because falling for Rain was like breathing. Instinctual. Ingrained in my DNA. Automatic.

Yet his act of defiance proves why I know to my core he’s fucking it for me. No one else in this world makes me feel the way he does. Whether the emotions he pulls from within me are volatile or loving, that’s another matter entirely. But whichever it might be at the moment, it always seems to fit. Nothing and no one balances me the way he does, makes me content to just exist in this shitty world where people rape and abuse and murder others. Even when we are at each other’s throats.

He’s the center of my goddamn universe. And I just broke him. So no, the person I hate…it’s not Rain. Not even close. The real person I hate is myself.

My successes and accomplishments are weighed and measured at every turn, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort and heart I put into everything I do, it’s never enough. For them, it never will be.

“People only obsess over each other when things between them are left unfinished.”

The simple fact is...I need him. I don’t think there will ever be a moment in my life from this point forward where I don’t. I’m just a fucking idiot for not realizing it sooner.

I haven’t lost him entirely. Even if I can’t act on it right now, there’s still hope.

“It wasn’t a mistake, mo grá. No moment with you ever could be.”

Anything to keep my mind from remembering where we are now. What we are. An almost. Not friends, not enemies. Not exes, not lovers. Can we even be called strangers anymore when we shared some of our deepest, most vulnerable moments with each other? No, we can’t. So in my mind, we’re nothing but an almost.

“You can glare at me with only ice left in your heart every time you see me. Freeze me out as if it can make you feel less. But just know, it doesn’t stop my veins from boiling the minute I see you. Every thought of you burns my skin. And knowing my sleep is the only place I’m able to kiss you, touch you, and feel the fire you consume me in…makes me crave the nightmares.”

Yet no matter how many times I think it or try to convince myself it’s for the best, I know deep inside my bones, I can’t stay away. I can’t just give him up like I thought I could. Like I wish I could. If only to make protecting him easier.

“Well, when you’re up that high, there’s a lot less oxygen, so it’s difficult to breathe. The higher up you go, the harder and harder it gets. And if you aren’t careful, altitude sickness can set in. You’ll get nauseous. Off balance. Lightheaded. It’s not life threatening or anything, but it makes you feel like complete trash. Sometimes the effects last for hours or even a couple days, depending on the person.”

“But the thing about climbing a mountain like a fourteener is you know going into it you’re taking a calculated risk to get the reward. And for some, the reward is bragging rights or the pride to say you did it. But for me? I do it because, despite how much it drains my body to make it to the top…” I trail off, shaking my head before glancing out the window. “…the view is just worth it. And the feeling of being on top of the world? Nothing compares. So even though I know it’s dangerous, that it might not be good for me…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop wanting to reach the summit.” Biting my lip in thought for a moment, I allow my gaze to collide with hers once more. “That’s the best way I can describe how I feel about Rain. He’s a calculated risk. One I know both the consequence and the reward of.”

“Sort of. Except he’s not the mountain in this scenario. They’re the walls he hides behind. Rain himself, he’s the oxygen. Not a want or a desire, but a need. And it feels like the higher I climb, the closer I get to the top of the mountainous walls around his heart and mind, the less of him I have once I reach the top. It’s like in an effort to get more of him—from him—the more I lose in the process.” And lose yourself too. Goddammit.

“Too bad that isn’t the way the world works, mo grá. I carved my name into your heart and you branded your very essence into my soul. You can’t just forget that.”

“I can sit here and pretend. That we were just a way to pass time. That we’ve run our course. Of course I can, Rain. Or, I can stand here and tell you from the very beginning, I fucking knew. From the moment we met, something inside me said you’ll lose your heart to this one. After him, you’ll never be the same. And it was right.”

“A piece of me is missing, the piece of me that pumps the blood through my veins and allows me to fucking live. You cut my heart out that day on the tarmac and honestly?” I shake my head and swallow, a soft exhale leaving me. “Honestly, I don’t have it in me to care. I don’t even want it back.”

But he was right about one thing; that’s not how it works. Because he carved his name into my heart when he tore it from my chest. I don’t think there will ever be a day it doesn’t beat for him.

“It’s not weak to miss something. It’s weak to be too proud to admit it.” His words from our fight outside Doctor Fulton’s office ring in my ears. Haven’t we suffered enough for the sake of your pride? Yeah, Abhainn. We have. “Just know I miss you too.”

“We just royally fucked it up somewhere along the way.” He says we, but in reality, I’ll take all the blame here. Every bit of it belongs on my shoulders. My cross to bear.

“I wish we never left the cabin. Because I can’t remember a time I’ve ever been that happy.” He bites his lip and nods again, his eyes shining as he clears his throat. “Me either, baby. Me either.”

And I’m done drowning in it, letting it pull me under into a depressing cycle of sadness and despair. It’s not who I am, and it’s not who I want to be. I wanna be me again. Happy. Carefree. Wild. I wanna fucking live. And I sure as hell deserve those things just like everyone else.

I’m going after what makes me happy. Digging in and getting what I want.

And Rain… he’s all that for me. No matter how sideways things have gone for us in the past and no matter how we seem to hurt each other. He’s the oxygen. And he makes me feel alive.

“Sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of power and control seems like a lonely way to live the only life you’re given.”

“Shit, if I believed in a thing like true love, I’d say you and him are the real fucking deal. If you can manage to figure your shit out.”

“You can have whatever you want, mo grá,” I whisper against his lips. “Top, bottom. Hard, soft, fast or slow, I’ll give it to you. Just give me a chance.”

“Take what you need, Abhainn. I’m yours.” His eyes snap open and find mine the instant the words are out, probably in disbelief he heard them correctly. “I’m yours,”

“Damn fucking right you’re mine,”

“You’re everything. Fucking everything,” I whisper against his mouth. “Chuisle mo chroí.”

“Pulse of my heart.” I feel his smile against my lips as a soft laugh leaves him. “And the air you breathe?”

“You’re both, Abhainn. You’re always both,”

“Anything. You want to even the playing field? Fine. You want to cuff me to a bed and take me by force? Do it. You want me to relive one of the worst moments of my life to prove it to you? Because I will. Swear it on my fucking life, I will. Because I love you. And making sure you understand that is more important to me than anything else.”

“You fucking heard me,” he says, his voice just as hoarse as he walks up to me. “But in case it was somehow lost in translation, I’ll say it again. I love you. And all I want is you too.” Holy shit.

For the first time in my entire life, I’m speechless. But who needs words? I sure as hell don’t when I just want to fucking kiss him. So that’s what I do.

I’m his. I think I have been from the moment we met on the field that first day of practice; I just didn’t know it yet. And for the life of me, I hope this finally means he’s mine too. For real this time.

“This is gonna come out sounding stupid and fucking corny, but my world begins and ends with you. I see you, the real you. The you kept hidden from everyone else. I know who you are, baby. And despite the shit we went through and all the shit we still have to overcome, I’m undeniably in love with you.”

“I’ll give you everything, baby.” “You already have,”