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‘The choices we make in life define our journey. Most things are out of our control, but how we react is always in our control.’
In life, we are sometimes trained to respond only in a certain way. This is called social conditioning, where an individual responds to a situation in a manner generally approved of by society in general.
We are not a race of Sophias. We are humans that cry when we lose a loved one, smile when we achieve an accomplishment, laugh when someone tells us a joke, blush when we are embarrassed, burn when we are infuriated and even jump when we are surprised. However, the first step is that we must understand and accept what we are feeling.
This story, as ridiculous as it sounds, demonstrates two things: we must first correctly identify the cause of our problems and secondly, come up with a solution. Identifying our emotions is the first step; dealing with them appropriately is the second step.
Returning to Dr Susan David, she recommends that once we have labelled our emotions, we should also rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. This helps us understand how deeply we are feeling that emotion and if actionable steps need to be taken about it.
This story is not to say that forgiveness cannot heal, but it takes time for that to happen. If we have the emotional agility and intelligence to avoid hurting others, that is the ideal situation. As the famous quote goes, ‘Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.’
He also discovered that those who wrote about their emotions over time began to have deeper insights into what those emotions meant, helping them gain a better perspective on their life events.
Identify how you feel and then write it down. For example: I feel angry, sad, upset, irritated, etc. Next, try and understand why you feel the way you do and write it down. This will help you determine the cause behind your emotion and thus deal with it. For example: I am angry because my partner shouted at me/I am sad because my boss was not happy with my work, etc. Finally, identify potential ways in which you may heal from those emotions and write those ways down. For example: Journaling, meditation, speaking to a friend, being with nature, etc. Try the methods you have listed to check what
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To improve our mental metabolism, we must take that first step of labelling our emotions, dealing with our problems and healing our underlying issues.
The need for comfort is dependent on our position, purpose and work. However, if the focus is on what we don’t have, it takes away value from what we do have. Happiness is not just about having more, but also about focusing more on what we do have. This mindset is the key to crafting joy; the opposite of that is comparison, which is the thief of joy.
It’s natural to compare ourselves and seek inspiration from others, but unnatural to lose our own identity to be like them. Unfortunately, comparison is a sly creature and moves insidiously. We may not even realize that we are doing it subconsciously and over time, this builds up to a compulsive habit.
‘To become satisfied, we don’t have to increase the things we have; we need to increase the focus on the things we do have.’
Then he began looking at each person’s cups. With compassion, he added, ‘Our life is like the coffee. Everything else, our jobs, our money and our position in society, are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. While you pursue the fine cups, be sure to keep your focus on enjoying the coffee!’
You cannot have it all: learn to be present Another principle of not succumbing to the fear of missing out is understanding that you cannot have it all. If there was one word that defines the world we live in—it’s ‘scarce’. Resources are scarce, relationships can be scarce and importantly, time is scarce. Because time is scarce, it is important to learn its value and realize that it’s a fact of life: we cannot have it all. When we choose to attend one event, we give up going to another. That is why it is important to learn how to be present.
Exercise: Gratitude meditation Think of three things that you are grateful for: A person who has done something selflessly for you. An experience that has enabled you to grow internally, even if the experience may have been difficult at the time. A place that gave you a positive and uplifting experience and thus memories.
Neen James, a motivational coach based in Florida, USA, in her book Attention Pays: How to Drive Profitability, Productivity, and Accountability, wrote a list of things we feel are helping us focus our mind, but may be doing the opposite. These include: Believing that connecting with friends and family through social media creates authentic, meaningful connections Thinking that survival by multitasking is our only option Trying to be all things to all people Feeling we must be accessible to everyone all the time Creating never-ending to-do lists Trying new fancy planners Downloading the latest
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Regulating the mind is a practice that must be mastered. It takes time to do so, but there are some methods we can employ when the mind goes astray, to prevent it from going astray in the first place.
The types of behaviour we can ignore are whining, crying and throwing tantrums when there is nothing obviously wrong. In the same way, we have to learn when to ignore the mind and when to give it attention. This is also an active process that at first requires conscious competence. But over time, as we get used to ignoring the mind’s childish requests, it is less of a struggle and becomes unconsciously competent. It may feel odd ignoring the mind as so much of our being is caught up with what the voice in our head says. However, if we can understand that we are not our mind but something
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When we are trying to focus the mind and it brings up an urgent situation, a technique I use when trying to sleep is to have a small notepad and pen next to me to write down things it brings up.
The mind is very focused on the future, chattering away about what could be. However, if we can give it an immediate reward or convince it to, ‘Focus now, play later’, we can gain its cooperation.
The key is to make sure the balance is always in favour of our objective and our indulgence does not lead to jeopardizing our objective, i.e., there is no point exercising six days a week in return for eating a day of cake. A
However, the first step for any thought is just being a neutral observer.
We are not our mind. I then consciously asked myself a question: ‘Is this situation so significant that it deserves my reaction?’ Remember, the mind wants to be the hero and get involved with everything. It wants to analyse, judge and assign meaning to everything that is going on as it loves to chatter.
Scientific literature and spiritual texts align on this point: the more we can master the state of being, the more we can empower our actions when we are doing.
neglect, note it down, negotiate and become a neutral observer the next time you hear your mind talking too loudly.
My mind began to understand the rationale but needed me to repeat this multiple times so it was reinforced. The thoughts that we repeat not only are likely to become our action but also our emotions. If we can repeat our reasoning rationales, we are more likely to calm the chattering mind. Before I drifted off to sleep, I asked my mind, ‘Why are you anxious?’ My mind replied, ‘I am not actually anxious or nervous, I am excited.’
She conducted an experiment in which she made a group of people do the exact same terrifying tasks: some were doing public speaking, others were doing math problems and the rest singing their hearts out on karaoke. The results were astounding. In every task, the group that was taught to reframe their emotions of apprehension to enthusiasm had a better performance.3
Although being anxious and being excited have the same physiological symptoms, the mindset differs. They both imply an uncertain future, but anxiety suggests the future should be feared, while excitement suggests it should be looked forward to. It’s a state of mind that needs to be practised by reasoning with your mind the next time you have a situation that fills you with dread: ‘I am not anxious, I am excited; this is an opportunity, not a threat.’
Busying ourselves with work, even if it is charity or spiritual work, will not cover up our deep, underlying emotional needs.
Distracting ourselves can give us relief for some time, but it usually does not heal us.
Spiritual practices are meant to awaken our deeper self. They are not there to deal with our physical or mental ailments, although they may have that after-effect and can complement
The common responses are fright, flight or fight.
The human mind is like our software. It can malfunction regardless of what the outer shell of gender, religion, nationality or socio-economic status is made up of.
How would it look for me now to approach him with my issues? Was this not a self-defeating action? I returned to the first lesson we learn as monks: humility. In fact, we pray for humility daily in our prayers: tri nad api sunicena. We should have a humble state of mind so that we can perfect our meditative state. Just as a blade of grass gets stepped on and bounces back, we should be humble enough to bow down so that we can gain wisdom. My prayers were definitely working as approaching Dr Patel, my former student, would humble me. However, it was a good thing and an irrational hang-up. Just
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He stuffed the jackal into his large coat as the officer approached. ‘Who are you?’ the officer demanded. ‘I am a local hunter. Sorry, I am lost! Ouch . . .’ The jackal was still alive! However, instead of telling the officer what he had done, he kept hiding the jackal inside his coat and allowed it to bite him multiple times. This analogical story represents mental health. The jackal is our anxiety, and the coat is our external appearance. Hiding our anxiety without dealing with it only causes pain. Letting the jackal out of our coats and admitting that we have a problem brings relief from
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I told him that certain fears and anxieties come from imagined problems, but others come from real issues that take a deeper insight and longer time to solve. It’s important for us to tell the difference.
If rational reasoning does not work and the ‘what ifs’ get the better of us, there are other simple physiological things we can do to help ourselves, namely, exercise and stopping smoking and drinking alcohol.
It is believed that the reason depression and sadness are closely linked is that depression is sadness where the cause has been unconsciously forgotten to protect you from overwhelming feelings of loss and pain.
It could be trauma from their childhood—the lack of care from a parent, trauma from their relationships—problems with their marriage or trauma from their career. The list goes on and a psychotherapist wants to uncover what that trauma is.
They may not feel they need to expand their self-awareness to help themselves.
This plays into the theory that people become depressed without a cause, propagating the erroneous notion that only m...
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People who are sad are generally upset about something that has happened to them and can specifically point it out. They do not feel a lack of self-worth.
‘Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the difference. Words are energy and cast spells; that’s why it’s called a spelling. Change the way you speak to yourself, and you can change your life. What you’re not changing, you are also choosing.’
The burden of being the person helping is sometimes greater than the one who needs help. We have to make sure that we are giving our best to those who seek our help.
Would you trust someone who broke their word repeatedly? It would be hard to trust them. Similarly, when we break our own commitments and our actions do not match our ideals, we lose trust in ourselves. At times it is easier to forgive someone else for breaking our trust, than to forgive ourselves for our own inadequacies. However, we must learn to deal positively with the emotion of guilt to help our mental well-being.
Reasonable guilt is the feeling of regret we have when we have actually wronged someone or ourselves, whereas unreasonable guilt is the negative feeling when we are not at fault and yet we go through regret and remorse.
‘Repentance is passive rectification. But rectification is active repentance.’
It may be hard at first, but being unconditional in our apology is the best way to say sorry even if it may have been their fault. This is the most we can do. If a person does not accept a genuine apology, at least we can rest knowing that we did the right thing and hopefully, someday, they will be able to forgive us.
Self-forgiveness is foundational in moving on and rising above those negative feelings. We cannot forgive ourselves if we are wallowing in guilt.
Rather than only regretting our action, let us learn lessons from our experiences and avoid making the same mistake again.
