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Kindle Notes & Highlights
We must identify the variables that are within our control and work on them, but also identify the constants—things that are beyond our control—and understand they will never change. The feelings of unreasonable guilt caused by them are irrational and we should use this realization to aid our healing from them.
Barrie Sueskind, a therapist from Los Angeles, has written about ‘toxic behaviour traits’: self-absorption or self-centredness manipulation and other emotional abuse dishonesty and deceit difficulty in offering compassion to others a tendency to create drama or conflict1
With every person in our life, we have to know where to set our boundaries. How close are we to this person? How much do we share with them? How much time do we want to spend with them? These are three important questions to answer that are dependent on our personal goals and aspirations.
To say no, we have to take charge of our emotions and reclaim our priorities. There will always be something in our lives that will make us feel compelled to say yes, but if it leaves us miserable and repeatedly strains our mental well-being, then it is not worth it. We have to step out of the passenger seat and learn to get into the driver’s seat for our own lives, which means taking responsibility and accountability for our own actions.
A deeper aspect of dealing with toxicity is ‘vibrating higher’. The best compliment we can give someone is, ‘You have such great energy!’ Beyond what they say, their accomplishments or how they look, this is a great compliment as it suggests that we appreciate them as a whole. The energy at which they vibrate is attractive.
However, if we can learn to change our frequency, to vibrate higher than them, then we can be less affected.
I recommend three things:
When we focus on our priorities, we don’t have the time to see all the drama around us.
We all need to move on and clear our heart of vestiges of unwanted negativity so we can move on, if not for anyone but our own sake. But with the heart, must come the intelligence of the brain. I made sure I kept a safe emotional distance; as mentioned earlier, sometimes we have to say ‘no’ and walk away.
We must take the control back in our hands. Taking control back doesn’t mean that we become stoic, emotionally uninvolved or that we stop interacting with others. It just means that we slowly minimize our dependence on others for how we feel. In a world where we seek so much validation from others to make us feel good, we can feel devastated when it doesn’t come or we get the opposite of it. It comes back to the duality of the world: if we cannot control our emotions when we are happy, we will be overwhelmed when we are sad because our mind gets conditioned to react to emotions in an extreme
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We all make mistakes in life. In the spiritual tradition I follow, a highly spiritual person is not one who does not make mistakes, but one who rectifies and learns from their mistakes. There are countless ancient anecdotes that tell the story of highly elevated spiritualists who make grave errors but learn from them and grow.
What we tell ourselves is more important than what others tell us. To release and recover from negative memories, we should first understand and tell ourselves that we cannot change people.
Everyone has an opinion and a suggestion. However, even with the best of intentions, this can be overwhelming. Listening to everyone really means we are listening to no one. We may even forget what we were inspired to do in the first place. We need to ignore the opinions of people whom we do not trust, who do not love us or who we have not approached for advice. We should be respectful to people, but that does not mean we accept their opinion as gospel.
There are many things we can do to deal with memories from the past: Repeat and refine Rectify and reflect using the Gibbs Model of Reflection Recall and relive Release and recover We need to ignore the opinions of people whom we do not trust, who do not love us or who we have not approached for advice.
The word educare, from which the English word ‘education’ is derived, means to bring out the virtues and qualities that are inherent within us.
At that moment, Thomas grabbed a pencil and wrote another line underneath, ‘Thomas was indeed a dunce, but he was made into one of the greatest inventors of the century by his hero, his mother.’ His mother was not charismatic, nor a leader in society, nor was she wealthy. However, she had great character, which influenced the life of her son.
They may not have been the smartest person in the room, but their sincerity to help you left an impact on your life. When the riches of what is inside of us are expressed to the world, that is what can make a difference.
Similarly, when we begin to focus on what is important, we should allow the small things that disturb us to pass by. We shouldn’t be distracted by the little things such as petty arguments, small health issues or mishaps in our day-to-day life. We must focus on what is important.
The Srimad Bhagavatam, an ancient spiritual text, states that anyone can be our teacher regardless of their age, status, position and even species. We can learn from anyone, so it is important to listen to what people say as it may be an impetus to help us grow.
when we are criticized for our work or behaviour, we should be open-minded to see if there is anything we can learn.
Lessons from a pencil: What is truly important lies within you. Unless what is within you comes out, you cannot make an impact. Sometimes, we have to go through the pain of being sharpened for the best in us to come out.
When we write, we will make mistakes, but we can always correct them. We can truly serve our purpose when we are in the hands of an expert.
‘Grief is like the ocean; it comes on in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.’
In the same way, our pain from grief will also pass. The Bhagavad Gita mentions that just as summer turns to winter and winter turns to summer, our happiness and distress also change. We can try to suppress the pain we are feeling from grief, but it will be expressed sooner or later. If we want to heal, we have to acknowledge the pain, otherwise we can risk becoming clinically depressed, or dependent on harmful substances, or have other health issues.
‘The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because that is a portion of your life that you will never get back.’
We are called humankind. Therefore, the core, the essence, of being human, is being kind. Just as our mind chatters, goes through periods of sadness, depression and anxiety, feels guilt and brings us down, the mind of every other person is doing the same thing to them as well.
It is said that being kind is akin to being a lamp post. It does not necessarily shorten the distance, but it lights up the path and makes the journey a little easier for others.
Who we are today is the sum total of all our experiences. Showing empathy means to understand this and to not jump to conclusions from first impressions without knowing more. As the famous phrase goes, ‘It’s taken a lifetime to write this story of mine, will you read me just in a day?’ I waited for my new, super-cool friend to share more.
Humans are not rational beings; we are irrational.
