The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

by Bell Hooks

Patriarchal mores teach a form of emotional stoicism to men that says they are more manly if they do not feel, but if by chance they should feel and the feelings hurt, the manly response is to stuff them down, to forget about them, to hope they go away.

If the intention behind the work is to seek recognition and power—“hey, look at me, I’m special, I’m important, I’m worthy of your love and respect”—then you are setting yourself apart from others as a way of trying to feel connected to them. Setting yourself apart from others as a way of trying to feel connected to them: It seems so clear why this is self-defeating, and yet it is often the norm in our culture.…

To offer men a different way of being, we must first replace the dominator model with a partnership model that sees interbeing and interdependency as the organic relationship of all living beings.

Workaholism is the most common addiction in men because it is usually rewarded and not taken seriously as detrimental to their emotional well-being. Work is often the space where men detach from feelings. Zukav and Francis describe workaholism as a flight from emotions: “It is a drug that is as effective as the most powerful anesthetic.… Workaholism is a deep sleep. It is a self-induced trance that temporarily keeps painful emotions away from your awareness.”

Men need to mourn the old self and create the space for a new self to be born if they are to change and be wholly transformed.

When men learn to affirm themselves and others, giving this soul care, then they are on the path to wholeness. When men are able to do little acts of mercy, they can be in communion with others without the need to dominate. No longer separate, no longer apart, they bring a wholeness that can be joined with the wholeness of others. This is interbeing. As whole people they can experience joy. Unlike happiness, joy is a lasting state that can be sustained even when everything is not the way we want it to be.