Crucial Conversations Skills (Crucial Conversations & Crucial Accountability)

by Kerry Patterson

Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.

In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position.

the ability to master high-stakes discussions is a key to a healthier and longer life?

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age.

“How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”

When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.

In a very real sense, the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ. The larger the shared pool, the smarter the decisions.

When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things.

Meaning didn’t flow freely because people were afraid to speak up.

people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power.

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

when they sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision.

The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.

whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—whoever makes the choice.

We have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. And when we do, our lives change.

Our problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do—

So the first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.

the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”

More often than not, we do something to contribute to the problems we’re experiencing.

the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.

It’s the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills. As is often the case, the rich get richer.

Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.

First, they’re steely eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them.

Second, skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices (either/or choices). Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that ...

We’re so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.

ask yourself what you really want.

Also, as the conversation unfolds and you find yourself starting to, say, defer to the boss or give your spouse the cold shoulder, pay attention to what’s happening to your objectives. Are you starting to change your goal to save face, avoid embarrassment, win, be right, or punish others? Here’s the tricky part. Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part. When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide.

Once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart, you can make conscious choices to change them.

What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?

When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight. Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.

“What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?”

First, clarify what you really want. You’ve got a head start if you’ve already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice.

Second, clarify what you really don’t want. This is the key to framing the and question.

Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence.

Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

“What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”

pay heed to the fact that you’re about to enter the danger zone.

To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a crucial conversation.

Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough.

When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)—either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool—they immediately turn their attention to whether or not others feel safe.

That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk.

You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person.

if you don’t feel safe, you can’t take any feedback.

When you don’t feel safe, even well-intended comments are suspect.

when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you.